Chapter 9

Back in my small apartment, I found myself staring at my mobile phone. Without much conscious thought, I pressed the ‘Dial’-button.

“Will ... Will, is that you?”

“Yeah, Caryn, it’s me ... Sorry, I shouldn’t have called you at this late hour. I hope I didn’t wake Judy.”

“That’s alright - but ... Will, are you drunk?”

“As a skunk, actually.”

For some reason, some stupid part of me found that funny and I giggled a bit. Then it hit me that she might see the reason of my laughter a quite bit differently and I sobered quite a lot.

“I’m sorry, Caryn, I wasn’t laughing at you or at the situation ... Look... , I need to, no... , I’d like to talk to you. Would it be okay if I come to see you tomorrow afternoon?”

“This is your home. You can come any time you want. You can come in the morning if you want.”

Thinking about the next morning got another laugh out of me, but this was a bitter one.

“Caryn, tomorrow morning I’ll be sick and bitter and should be declared hazardous waste. But if it’s okay with you, I’ll come to see you in the afternoon.”

“Of course that’s okay.”

“Thank you, Caryn, I’ve missed you.”

Just where in hell did that come from? I could hear Caryn gasping for breath - before there was a whisper.

“I’ve missed you, too.”

The following morning, I woke up with uneasy feeling in my stomach, and a jackhammer pounding on a solid wall inside my head. For almost half a minute, I imagined that maybe my stomach would be able to keep its contents. That half a minute was just enough time for me to find my way to the toilet. Just enough.

For the next three quarters of an hour, I tried to drink some water and some Advil, but after a few minutes, I was again worshiping the porcelain goddess. Once that worshiping started, I repeated it several times, until there was absolutely nothing left to give. After that seemed to be over, I took a shower to wash away the sweat that had poured out during those worshiping sessions. After my shower, I forced myself to dress, and headed down to work - a fashionable fifteen minutes late.

I was quite sure that Mrs. Bonner and the ladies were laughing at me when I was sitting there alone in my darkened office, but I felt too miserable to care. After two hours, my stomach tolerated small amounts of water, and after another half an hour, I dared to try a few Advils. I must have dozed off in my chair, since I hadn’t noticed that Mrs. Bonner was standing there, looking at me.

“My God, you look even worse than my poor Moses. You aren’t even in shape to grieve.”

She was having way too much fun with this, to my taste. Way too much.

“It’s genetic. My father used to be just like that. But I’m sure that Moses finds the hangover better than being beaten to a pulp.”

She gasped and paled.

“Denice, Moses is not an idiot, and he loves you and your daughters very much. But he’s also a very proud man and even a thought of you having a mixed blood baby was devastating to him.”

Suddenly, she paled even more and sat down on my sofa, which had now been covered with a blanket. I closed my eyes for a moment, since I still felt like my head was killing me. I forced my eyes back open, even though all this thinking and talking had made my head hurt even more - if that was possible.

“Look, Denice, you don’t need to worry about me. I had a vasectomy before I moved down here - but you really need to talk with Moses. Now, if you’d please have mercy on me, try to find a few more Advils, since right now, there is a small possibility that they might even stay down.”

Then I just closed my eyes and did my best to feel miserable, until the Advils Denice had brought me, started to take effect. After that, I even managed to get some work done before I decided to call it a day in the middle of the afternoon. I made one more quick call before leaving. Suddenly, I felt very nervous while I was picking up some Chinese food from a place Caryn at least used to like.

As soon as I made my appearance at my old home the old widow who was Caryn’s hired help was out the door, but not before staring daggers in my direction. Like that wasn’t enough, Judy selected the exact moment to fill her diaper. I picked her up from Caryn and headed to the bathroom. Since my left hand now only had a light cast, washing her and changing her diaper was a whole lot easier. Only when I was finished did I notice that Caryn had followed me the whole while. She was about to say something, but I interrupted her.

“Please, Caryn, can we eat something first? There is a whole lot I need to say to you, but I have not been able to eat anything, yet.”

“Sure, Will.”

She took Judy from me, and put her in a baby rocker. Then, we ate some of the Chinese I had brought with me. Somehow, our late lunch together felt like the most natural thing to do. Listening to Judy make happy gurgling sounds in her rocker made me smile before I had time to really think about it. A bit later, she let out the cutest snore when she fell asleep. We finished our meal and put the dishes in the washer before moving to the living room.

I looked directly into those dark blue eyes when I started.

“First of all, I want to apologize to you, my little fairy.”

“But, you didn’t do anything wrong...”

“Please, Caryn, my fairy. Please let me tell you my story. I know that once we agreed that our pasts don’t matter, but that wasn’t at all fair, since I already knew almost everything about you. Plus, quite a lot of what’s happened here, was a result of my past.”

She was about to protest again but remained silent when I lifted my finger and waved it at her. I also tried to smile, but she certainly saw the sadness in my smile, as her face turned more serious.

It took me more than an hour to tell her everything. Everything. I started with telling about my high school years, continued with college, and was very blunt about my affairs. Then, I told her about Emilie. I told about both our families being well-off, our engagement and wedding plans - and how she and my mother disappeared when my father was found dead, feds assuming suicide. How my father was unofficially blamed, how I swore to find the persons responsible, and how I found my way down here, after careful investigation. I explained how I was sure that it was Sean, but there was no easy way to really prove it. When I mentioned my vasectomy, I felt too ashamed to look into her eyes, so I mostly stared at the table between us. Only when I was finished, I lifted my gaze to meet her eyes, but I couldn’t see her clearly because of the damned moisture in my eyes. But I could see that she was looking at me, before she rose and went back to the kitchen. I closed my eyes and leaned back.

I heard some noise from the kitchen, and when I opened my eyes I just looked at sleeping Judy. I hoped that she’d never need to face anything like this. Never.

“I put some coffee on. I know that you like to have some dark-roasted coffee after your lunch, and now you don’t have any.”

I looked at Caryn and for once I couldn’t read her at all.

“Thank you, Caryn. You are treating me much better than I deserve after all those lies I told you.”

Suddenly, there were tears in her eyes when she looked at me.

“So, Will, this is goodbye, then? Don’t worry, I’ll not come after you and I’ll not ask anything from you. You have already suffered enough.”

I rushed to the other side of the table, and suddenly, I was on my knees in front of her.

“No, no, no, my fairy. I came here to apologize you, to ask your forgiveness. Yesterday, I finally understood that I love you and Judy, and I really don’t want to divorce you. Before I came here, I called my lawyer and asked her to put the divorce proceedings on hold.”

She looked at me like I had just grown another head.

“However, Caryn, I do understand if you now want to divorce me! I just want you to know that I liked you since the beginning of our relationship, but it wasn’t until now that I was sure that I really, really love you - and Judy, too.”

I could feel her eyes on me.

“You never said that you love me, before. Now you have said it twice.”

“I know. I can only hope that it isn’t too late yet. But I can’t really blame you if you hate me, now.”

“I could never hate you, Will.”

“Even if I tricked you to marry me?”

She actually giggled a bit for that and only then I realized how much I had missed that.

“Will, those were the happiest days of my life. You didn’t have to trick me at all. I loved you already, then. I hoped that my love alone would be enough for both of us.”

“But, I started to love you. Even if I wasn’t supposed to. Even if I tried not to fall in love with you - and Judy.”

My voice was low and soft at that point. I felt an almost physical pain admitting that.

“How can you love Judy, when it was Sean who...”

“My fairy, if it’s up to me, Judy will never hear a single word about Sean. In fact, I don’t want to ever hear about Sean again!”

“But everybody around here knows about Sean - and me.”

“Why do you think that I wanted you to leave the area? What prevents us from leaving this area as a family, and even changing our names? Personally, I’d like to return to being John Farris - unless you have something against it, Mrs. Hart?”

“Are you proposing to me, Mr. Farris?”

“In a way I am, yes. Since Mr. Hart - that idiot husband of yours - didn’t seem to understand your true value, I’d like to take you away from here to some place where we could have a fresh start, as a family.”

Again she giggled a bit, but this time there was something else also in her eyes. Happiness? I certainly hoped so.

“I don’t know, Mr. Farris. My husband was a very talented man and I’m not sure you can match his skills.”

Now, there clearly was some mirth in her eyes, but little Judy decided that we had had enough fun already. Caryn picked up Judy from her rocker, and Judy immediately started searching for her source of food. After a while, I moved to my chair, but I just couldn’t stop looking at Caryn feeding little Judy. They just looked so beautiful together, that I couldn’t take my gaze away from them. It took Caryn a moment to notice me looking at them - and smiling like an idiot.

“Sorry, Caryn, but you two just look so beautiful together.”

She blinked a couple of times before answering me. “You really mean that, don’t you?”

Instead of answering her, I placed a tender kiss on her cheek and another one on Judy’s cheek. The rest of the evening was quite silent while we both took turns taking care of Judy. Somehow, the almost playful feeling we’d had at the end of our discussion was lost, and we both were feeling the uneasy silence. When it was time to put Judy to sleep for the night, I turned to Caryn.

“Caryn, do you want me to leave, or can I stay the night?” “This is your home, too, Will.”

“I didn’t ask that, Caryn. My fairy, I’ll leave if you want me to leave, but I’d like to stay.”

Caryn put Judy carefully into her cradle before looking at me. I could see the tears in her eyes when she turned back to me. Silently, we walked out of the nursery and sat down on our bed.

“Will, I have just learned to accept that I’d be alone with Judy. Now you come back telling me that, after all what has happened, you still love me and Judy. I believe you - I want to believe you, but all this is almost too much.”

I took her in my arms and just held her there, while she sobbed silently. I held her there while sorting my own feelings, and I couldn’t really blame her. Just why should she accept me back into their lives, after my nasty breakup?. When I started talking, I wasn’t sure if I was talking to her or to myself.

“My little fairy, I can’t blame you. What I did to you wasn’t at all nice, and now, I feel deeply ashamed because of it. But I was so focused on catching Sean, that nothing else really mattered to me. Everything else was expendable: you, Judy, my own health - everything. Suddenly, when it was over, there was nothing left in my life but an empty shell. It was like I had lost all the reasons to live, to exist.”

“You must have loved her very much. Was she pretty?”

Her voice was so low, it was barely audible. Somehow, I got a feeling that this discussion would be crucial to my future. Whatever she would decide, there would be no more lies. I sighed and took her hand in mine before speaking again.

“Yes I did - and yes, I think she was. But back then, it wasn’t her beauty that attracted me In fact, she was the one who picked me up at a party, and she didn’t take no from me for an answer. You need to understand that I was a sort of a bad boy, back then. I did what I had to in order to keep up with my studies, and concentrated on partying and girls. In my defense, I can only say that I didn’t use any of the girls, and I never touched somebody’s girlfriend or fiancée. But once Emilie got me hooked, it was all over.”

I remembered that it had been a bit more complicated than that. Sure, the sparks did fly when I met Emilie for the first time, and for a while, both of us tried to avoid admitting what the others around us already saw. After that Friday evening, we avoided each other for a whole day - Saturday - but we met again Sunday morning and missed our morning classes on Monday. Those brief, good memories were soon replaced by more recent and darker ones inside my head.

“Her parents didn’t like me in the beginning, since my family wasn’t rich enough or ‘good’ enough; but Emilie couldn’t have cared less, and she let them know that. I guess they got their revenge when they made sure that I couldn’t get to her funeral. It’s like I had never existed in her life. What’s more is that now, when I dare to think about her again, I sometimes have had problems remembering her. It’s like she’s slipping away. Of course I still remember what she looked like, and things like that, but things like the smell of her hair, the sound of her laughter...”

At that point, I felt that Caryn tried to pull her hand away but instead of letting it go, I just held it a bit tighter and continued.

“One of the reasons for that happening is that you, my fairy, have more or less replaced her in my dreams. I tried to fight it, since it wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you, and you weren’t supposed to get hurt. It took me some time, and one really bad hangover, to sort out my thoughts.”

I took a deep breath.

“I’ve liked you since the first time we met. You are so different when compared to all my previous girlfriends - and to Emilie. They all were usually outgoing, while you were silent. Most of them were curvaceous, while you are not - and yet I can’t say that I would have loved Emilie more than I love you, now. Of course, I can’t and I won’t force you into anything - so if you want me to go, I’ll do it. I just hope that I can stay and prove my love to you and Judy.”

I looked directly into those dark blue eyes. I could almost feel her eyes scanning my brains through my own gray eyes. I had decided to be totally honest with her. The only thing I had decided to avoid, was Denice, but if she asked me about it, I’d answer her honestly.

Suddenly, she was pulling herself closer to me, instead of pushing away, and then I could feel those soft lips quickly touching mine. Then, she pulled back and cocked her head the way I remembered so well.