Chapter 22

St Valentine’s Day. Strangely it was the first thing that came into Aidan’s mind as he awoke at the late hour of ten o’clock. He gave himself a wry smile in the bathroom mirror, as he thought of the loss of Sam, and the impending showdown and loss of Julie. The very reverse of all that Valentine’s day purports to be, he told himself.

“Yad Enitnelav” he said out loud and laughed at his own stupidity, as he reversed the letters of the feast day, but that cheerful moment passed instantly, as moments do, and his spirits fell back into their own personal slough of despond.

He finished preparing his body for the day, and wished he did not have to face it at all. He contented himself with grapefruit and muesli for breakfast and washed it down with two mugs of tea.

Outside his kitchen window the wind had risen, the clouds were dark and grey, scudding across the sky, and the first spots of rain were hitting the glass. It did nothing for his mood, and as if further to add to his discouragement, it was no time at all before the rain was hammering against the windows as if demanding admittance, the better to dampen his spirits entirely.

Julie preoccupied his mind. He had felt anger yesterday at her deception, now he merely felt disappointed in her, and a certainty that he could never trust her: time and again she had let him down, and the odds were that she would do the same thing again. It was finally and irrevocably over.

He would normally have gone shopping for the week as his first task on Saturday, after which he would clean the flat throughout and change the bedding. Then he would do his washing. This time he did not want to leave the flat: he wanted to be there when Julie arrived. The last thing he needed was for her to have arrived with her stuff in his absence and be installing herself when he returned with the shopping.

Instead, he changed the bedding, washed his clothes from the week and began to clean the flat.

He had finished the living room and the kitchen, and had begun amass the ingredients to brew some coffee as a break, when the doorbell rang.

That’s strange, he thought, Julie has a key. He shambled to the door, wondering if he had forgotten to unlock it after the night before. He opened the door and his mouth dropped open in amazement.

“Aidan, I came as soon as I knew you’d been. Can I come in?”

Sam arrived at Piccadilly Station, Manchester at just after eleven and was met by Vicky, who hugged her, and looked up into her face.

“You OK?” she asked her visitor.

“I don’t know,” said Sam with a smile. “This is all happening a bit fast for me, but I’ve got to get things sorted out with Aidan. I could not believe he came all the way to London, and was sitting on the steps outside my flat waiting for me.”

“But he left before you arrived?”

“Megan, she’s my neighbour, told him I was with Lawrence, and that we were going to spend the night together. Aidan took off saying he didn’t want to complicate my life, but he had, because Megan told me everything.”

“You want to come back to ours?”

“Vicky, if you don’t mind, I want to get to him early before he goes out. Can we go directly to his apartment?”

Of course she could, and in fifteen minutes Sam was ringing his doorbell, somewhat damp from the rain after a run to the door from the car, with butterflies in her stomach and dreading him telling her he was not interested. She knew that was unreasonable, since Aidan had come to London to see her! It did not stop her feeling uncertain.

She heard his steps approaching the door and held her breath. The door opened and there he was. Her heart missed a beat and she tingled all over. He was staring wide eyed at her with his mouth open.

She said “Aidan, I came as soon as I knew you’d been. Can I come in?”

He continued to stare, he swallowed and blinked at her.

The humour of the situation got to her and she laughed at his amazed expression. This was her Aidan all right.

“Well? Can I?” she asked again.

At this he seemed to wake up.

“Yes, of course Sam, come in. It’s just – unexpected.”

Aidan’s mind was in chaos, he was still trying to cope with the surprise, still hardly believing this was real, deliriously happy that it was and Sam was really back.

He stood aside to let her in, and she passed him quickly and went to the living room, he following. She shed her damp overcoat and he caught it and took it back to the hall stand. Then he had an idea. He slid the snib to the locking position to prevent the door from being opened with a key from the outside. Julie would not be able to get in until he was good and ready. When he returned, Sam was sitting quite serenely on the sofa with a half smile on her exquisite face.

He stood transfixed inside the doorway to the room, gazing at her. He had thought he remembered how beautiful she was, but he hadn’t at all. She took his breath away anew, which was probably why he was saying nothing and gaping at her. There were disjointed thoughts cascading through his head.

Why did he react so strongly to her? He was desolate when she left, so let down and yet relieved when he thought she had lied and had someone else. All those feelings were so powerful. Ever since, yes, she’d been there in the background. Had she been the source of that sense of longing; had she been behind that feeling that something was missing?

He now saw clearly that before he found out what Julie had done, he had decided to settle for her as his best option. Now, having seen Sam again, he knew he couldn’t settle for anyone else but Sam. But why was she here? He was almost afraid of what she might have to tell him – that she was with someone else now. Fear gripped him. All this while he stood mute, gazing at her beautiful face.

For her part she too was gazing up into his eyes. Those eyes! He was so perfect. Ever since she had left, he’d been there in her consciousness, her perfect man. Not a superb physical specimen, but so grounded, so caring. The one who seemed to know and anticipate her every need, the one whose gaze on her nakedness was different from all the other men, almost sympathetic, certainly grateful, but not that selfish urgent lust she’d seen in every other man she’d been with.

Jerry certainly had not been able to control himself enough to be solicitous for her welfare. Aidan always put her first and himself second. Even Lawrence had that predatory look when she was naked in front of him, until the news of Aidan’s visit had pulled her away from him.

Yes, Aidan had managed to pull her away from Lawrence, by coming hell for leather to see her as soon as he knew where she was, by waiting patiently for her on the stairs when Megan arrived, by leaving so as not to interfere with her happiness. It had been all for her, even his leaving.

Now here she was and she too was silenced. Would he repudiate her? Tell her that Julie was now his partner? But if that were the case, why would he rush to see her as soon as he knew she was in London?

For Aidan the feeling was complete just to be with her in the room, she sitting demurely on the sofa. Yes, complete. Then he thought again about her boyfriend with whom she had slept the night, before coming to see him. How could she do that? A shadow crossed his face, and it provoked her into speech.

“What’s the matter, Aidan?”

He was unnerved that she’d reacted to his thought, unaware of what his face betrayed.

“I don’t understand. Why are you here? Why leave your boyfriend in your bed on your first night together to follow me back here? Why?”

“Leave his bed?” she laughed openly then, and he could see she was without guile. “He never made it to my bed for the night, my darling.”

“But Megan... ?”

“Look, since October, I was under the impression you were back with Julie, that I had lost you. You had forbidden me from contacting you, and I left my address and phone number with her, and waited for you to make a move. When you did not reply, I assumed you did not want me.”

“But I didn’t get–”

“I know that now. I suspected it then. But you came. Before you came that I’d accepted you did not want me, and I had found Lawrence. Lawrence is like you in so many ways and I had finally decided to give him a chance. We had nearly got to bed last night, in fact he was on it and ready for me, when Megan hammered on the door and told me you had been there, waiting patiently on the stairs. You! You have no idea how excited, how deliriously happy that made me.

“Megan told me what you’d said, that you’d gone so as not to complicate my life.

“Aidan you’ve been complicating my life ever since I met you. You kept coming into my mind whenever I was out with a man – and there haven’t been many men and only one, Lawrence, made it as far as my bed. You’d intrude: this man didn’t listen like you did, or he didn’t care like you did. He didn’t love me for me like you did, just loved having me for himself. Even with Lawrence you’d keep intruding. Lawrence was the first man I was serious about, and yet you were there as a yardstick; I couldn’t get rid of you!

“As soon as I knew you’d gone for my sake, I sent poor Lawrence home and came to see you.”