Chapter 8

“Well, I see that you’ve gained some ground. Good for you. I’m pleased that you’ve respected our pact so far. I’m not thrilled that Gabriel has taken Anne Boleyn for himself, but so be it. I wanted us to talk in person at last. Make a final deal, a covenant, if you will. I’d like to move beyond these temporary accords, which are a start, but not enough for me. I would like to move toward a more just and lasting peace between the Kingdoms of Heaven and Hell. You and I can strike a bargain, and all subsequent agreements could be based upon that framework. We should regularly confer, both my messengers and I with you and yours. How is that for a start?” Michael the Archangel now spoke directly to my face.

“That’s a good first step. I presume that you still want to Rapture folks. How many people are you talking about here? Because I’ll be frank here. You could do mankind a great favor if you Raptured a substantially larger fragment of the population. You could help relieve a lot of the burden on Earth’s ecosystem this way. You could make it a lot easier to reach a zero carbon footprint, assuming that you care about that. I’m doing my part by damning souls and taking them to Hell, so I think that you can help out greatly with such a plan,” I introduced my suggestion to Michael, who actually rubbed the new goatee on his chin.

“So, what, then ... a billion people? More? That would be a significant move in that direction. Well, I could do that. But how to choose them, and on what basis? I’m thinking that I could start by setting a Rapture date of New Year’s Day, January 1st, midnight Greenwich Mean Time. In the meantime, I’m following your advice to replace worship of Jehovah and Jesus with a cult devoted to me, a Michaelite faith. It won’t last for long, but it won’t need to do so. Michaelism will have its own prophets and they will obviously be Raptured, as will all converts. I will also cast a much wider net among Christians, as well as taking more worthy atheists, agnostics, etc.

“I also specifically want to claim certain individuals, in addition to the list that we agreed to here. Starting with Julia Roberts, Hoda Kotb, Zahi Hawass, Mike Rowe, Rob Lowe, James Woods, Ron Perlman, Olivia Williams, Morgan Freeman, Jensen Ackles, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Dana Perino, Emily Procter, Tamlyn Tomita, Regis Philbin, Joy Philbin, Anne Murray, Martin Sheen, Robert Duvall, Shelley Duvall, Grace Park, Scott Bakula, Sylvester Stallone, Maria Shriver, Will Ferrell, Misha Collins, Lisa Edelstein, Sasha Alexander, Mayim Bialik, Angie Harmon, Mark Harmon, Pam Dawber, Bob Newhart, Ed Asner, Steve Martin, Sandra Bullock, Melissa Joan Hart, Ted Danson, Rashida Jones, Tom Selleck, Gerald McRaney, Jameson Parker, Kathy Ireland, and Patricia Heaton. Yes, I think that’s enough. Do you agree not to claim these people or attempt to recruit them while they await the Rapture, even if they don’t know it?” Michael turned earnestly to me.

“But not Arnold Schwarzenegger? Interesting. But, sure, I can agree to that. So, those are the absolutely off-limits people. The rest of your potential Rapture folks are ... soft targets, low-hanging fruit who will end up Raptured unless they are seduced by incubi or succubi, or else made deals with me? What about after the Rapture? What happens to souls after it? Do they all go to Heaven by default, Hell, or Limbo? If they don’t sign on with me, that is,” I asked Michael, truly curious as to his thinking now.

“Yeah, no Terminator in Heaven, thank you very much. He annoys me and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t think that it’s his womanizing per se, perhaps more that he didn’t seem to appreciate Maria when he was married to her. I like Maria myself. I’m thinking of wedding her once she’s in Heaven, now that Anne Boleyn is not an option. Yes, I have formally lifted the celibacy rule in Heaven and now permit marital intercourse. I’m trying to encourage couples to form there. I prefer monogamy, but I’m not keen on policing and enforcing that stuff. The threat of damnation is simply there as a bluff. Collecting more people with a monogamous bent will help, though, so Arnold’s womanizing is a factor, just not the decisive one,” Michael explained, giving me insights into this particular angel who was once my brother and comrade before my Fall that I never knew aeons back.

“Well, Arnold is certainly welcome in Hell, as you know. It does seem to me that you’ve written off Earth entirely, am I right? You’ve postponed the Rapture, I gather, but only long enough to catch more souls in your net. You also never answered my earlier questions about souls after the Rapture, ones who die after it, that is. Shall we reason together about these matters as well? I propose that all of the most sinful souls, whether they are truly evil or just wicked in your sight, go to Hell, as always, upon death. No more of this excusing them for committing crimes in the name of religion, right? There won’t be a religion to justify that anymore, anyway. Not one sanctioned by either of us, that is.