Chapter 33

8 pm GMT (3 pm EST), December 31, 2019 New Year’s Eve
Abandoned Baptist Church in Atlanta, Georgia
CNN Rapture Town Hall

“This has required some cleaning up to make it suitable for CNN’s use, you know,” Van Jones, the lone unchanged, unmodified human reporter left at CNN, commented as he opened the CNN Rapture Town Hall live on international TV.

“I imagine that this is worth it, though. This is, without question, the biggest live event in the history of broadcast television, whether journalism or entertainment. No one has ever had a studio audience present for a live town hall featuring two angels and two demons. Literal celestial and infernal supernatural beings. I’ve never witnessed such a thing in my life. I doubt that you have, either. Before recent events, there was considerable skepticism and doubt over the existence of such creatures or persons, but now we have confirmed that they are very real,” Elizabeth Vargas, host of Cults and Extreme Belief on A&E, answered him.

“Very true. And here they are, the people of the hour. I see two angels, who have been listed here as the Archangels Gabriel and Raphael, entering from stage right, as two devils, stipulated as Lord Asmodeus, King of Hell and Prince of Darkness, and Lady Lilith, Queen of Hell and Princess of Darkness, entering from stage left. They are now on the dais, waiting to address our live studio audience as well as the rest of the world. Behind them is a baptistry, in front of them a pulpit, of course.

“In front of the dais is the actor James Cromwell, one of the two announced ‘Witnesses’ of the Michaelist faith or religion, which expects to cease to exist as of tonight with the Rapture. Mr. Cromwell has been designated with the authority to baptize anyone wishing to convert to Michaelism tonight and thus depart in said Rapture. He has recently been ordained a Michaelist minister, too. Reverend Cromwell, are you ready?” Van resumed his introductory remarks.

“I am, Van, and please call me James. I’ve spent most of my life being a layman and I won’t be a clergyman for very long. I’m an actor, for Christ’s sake! It’s a serious honor to be chosen for this particular role. Granted, I am the senior Michaelist priest in North America and I have been very busy with baptisms of late. What about you two? Are you ready for how insane this is going to get? Baptisms, kinky, public sex, who knows what else? Can you handle the heat?” James quipped, making me laugh.

“I suppose that we’re about to find out,” Elizabeth commented coyly, perhaps flirting a bit with him, “which reminds me that there is a parental warning for this program not to let anyone under the age of fourteen view it. If at any point during this program, one of your children wishes to be baptized, you should turn off this program and simply find the closest Michaelist church for the purpose of baptism. All are open for specifically that reason, and while most of the congregation in each is likely viewing this TV special, there are special services being held at every Michaelist church for this function. Each is officiated by ordained ministers of the Michaelist faith.”

“All true, of course. Incidentally, you look as delectable as ever, Liz,” I remarked, speaking for the first time to everyone in a very audible voice and making Elizabeth blush a little.

“Oh, yes, sir, let’s have you formally introduce yourself and your companion,” Van smiled nervously at me, knowing that I had turned all of his colleagues at CNN.

“I am Lord Asmodeus, as many of you already know, from both my appearances on certain news shows and my social media profile. It has grown considerably of late. I am the present King of Hell and Prince of Darkness, the second in fact, the successor to Satan in that capacity. With me is the former Princess of the Succubi, one of the Queens of Hell and Princesses of Darkness, because yes, I am polygamous, the Lady Lilith, one-time wife to Adam and sister-wife to Eve. She invented the Super Drain, in which a succubus swallows all of man’s life force through his cum. He instantly turns demonic upon resurrection, of course,” I informed everyone.

“And I am Raphael the Archangel. With me is Gabriel the Archangel. We represent the Kingdom of Heaven, of course. Our lord and master these days is Lord Michael the Archangel, now King of Heaven upon the demise of Jehovah and Jesus. There have been changes in Heaven, and now, in fact, I wish to announce yet another such reform. Polygamy is now permitted in Heaven, though each person is limited to four spouses to ensure fairness to all partners. They can be of either sex and they can overlap, of coure, in the interest of domestic harmony.

“Our purpose here, that of Gabriel and myself, is to present the case for conversion to Michaelism, which will take the form of baptism in Michael’s name, this being the surest way to get Raptured up into Heaven tonight. Now, there are cons to being Raptured, I won’t lie to you about that. There are also pros to it. The cons to Rapture are generally the pros to staying behind and especially transformation into demonhood under Lord Asmodeus. The reverse is also true. The cons of such damnation are also the pros to Rapture.

“One of the biggest arguments in favor of Rapture is that nowadays, you become an angel almost instantly upon your glorification. Imagine having wings, an ability to shine celestial radiance and translucence, and ability to shape-shift, though this is something that you share with devils. I imagine that you also still get wings as a demon, but for some reason, they’re seldom visible. You also get a shiny breastplate or cuirass, as well as a flaming longsword, as you can see here, even a bright white robe that shows when not in full warrior garb.

“You’re also automatically an adult in your prime in both body and mind and you will never grow old or die. There is no natural decline among angels. It just doesn’t exist. Obviously, you can also fly, though most angels prefer to glide or swoop in a lot. You represent Heaven and have permanent access to it. You have a definite residence worth celebrating in Heaven as well. You can smite mortals dead easily, and sometimes in large numbers. That’s generally done sparingly, but this will become more frequent soon enough, which leads to one of the cons.

“You will soon be called upon to return to Earth to fight in the final war, the war at Armageddon. It will be a bloody, nasty affair, make no mistake of that. One cannot predict how long it will last, who will prevail for certain, though the odds currently favor the coalition that we’ve formed with the Infernal Host against the Holy Ghost and his forces. Yes, we’ll be teaming up with the devils to fight the Holy Ghost, who will have possessed and inspired humans as his troops. They will be heavily armed fanatics likely to try human wave tactics or something similar to overwhelm us through sheer numbers.

“Should we conquer, we will likely do so at great cost in terms of collateral damage and genuine horrors. We will probably witness the Holy Ghost trying every last trick in his playbook as a deposed god with some remaining divine powers to defeat us. You might even have to kill old friends, exes, neighbors, colleagues, or even relatives. You will be expected to show absolutely no mercy, give no quarter to the foe. We’re not taking prisoners here. The Holy Ghost’s troops will be too far gone to save. There is no last-minute Vader moment for them. They won’t recant their allegiance to him, ever. They’ll have to be slaughtered wholesale.

“Don’t kid yourselves. The Holy Ghost and his forces will not yield or give quarter, either. This is a war of extermination, of annihilation of all who follow his banners or ours. You lose, we all die. It’s that dark, but that simple as well. It’s probably a bit jolting to hear that someone mentioned positively in the Bible is the villain, the adversary, but it’s the reality of things. Of course, the Bible, a book inspired by him, would paint him in a very flattering light. The reality is far different, trust me. He is a bitter, ousted deity who will stop at literally nothing to defeat us, not even knowing what that might be. He’ll keep trying, whatever the setbacks, in a desperate bid to eradicate us all.

“Understand this. The Holy Ghost is not likely to regain control of Heaven or take over Hell, but he could well temporarily control large parts of Earth. Any area that he seizes will witness horrific atrocities the likes of which easily put the Holocaust or Stalin’s terrors or Pol Pot’s Khmer Rouge killing fields in Cambodia in the shade. He doesn’t care about the humans under his command or in the territories that he controls. He has no interest in their welfare at all. He just wants to use them to inflict pain, suffering, misery, judgment, plagues, death, etc. upon all of humanity. It’s already started in China, but that’s just him warming up. He wants to hurt as many people as he can until you’re all dead.

“Any questions?” Raphael yielded the floor, at which Van handed the microphone to a rather shaken old lady in the audience.

“In the unlikely event that the Holy Ghost won, what would he do to the troops that he commands?” the elderly woman inquired now.

“Probably slay them all, too. But not before using them to kill every civilian in their path. Men, women, and children alike would perish. He has zero empathy for the weak, the innocent, the vulnerable, the old, the young, or the sick. He wants mankind wiped off the face of the Earth, have no doubt of that. If he could judge and consign everyone in the Cosmos to the fabled ‘lake of fire’ that he boasted of in the Book of Revelation, he would, angels, devils, and humans alike. Since he can’t do that, he’ll be content with destroying as many people as he can, mercilessly in every sense of that word. He’d annihilate us completely, body and soul, if that were possible as well. He literally hates everyone except himself now, he’s that furious and vindictive,” Gabriel now spoke, making most of the adult-only live studio audience shiver in response.

“I’m a Communist. I’ve never believed in any kind of god, but it’s clear that one exists. Only now he’s evil. I mean this Holy Ghost guy, of course. Why does Michael rule Heaven instead of him, though? Just curious as to why Michael is in charge and not worshiping the surviving member of the Trinity, along with all of his angels. It’s a bizarre turn of events, wouldn’t you say?” an old man asked rather raspily.

“I’ll take this one,” I spoke aloud once more, having let the Heavenly side monopolize the conversation so far, “it’s because he fled like the coward that he is. He was afraid that Satan won and didn’t want to face Lucifer’s revenge. Let’s be honest. That’s what it was. And make no mistake. The Devil would have exacted a very painful form of retribution on the Holy Ghost, he had discussed it with me at length, so the Holy Ghost’s panic was justified.

“Satan would have trapped him on Earth, without powers, in a human body for a normal lifetime. He would have had to take his chances like you or the others, only knowing what he used to be. That would be the final form of torment for him that the Dark Lord would have inflicted upon him, the knowledge of what he used to be and how far he had fallen from grace and power.”

“So, he would have had to face sickness, death, old age, bill collectors, taxes, heartache, war, grieving, hard work, etc.? Sounds like poetic justice to me. No wonder the dude fucking ran like a dog! He couldn’t face what he imposed on Man, could he? In any case, you’ve told me what to expect as an angel. Now, what happens to people who turn demonic? What can we expect out of that?” another guy, this one middle-aged and clearly not all that prosperous, reacted to that news.

“First of all, a very well put response to my remarks. Secondly, I’ll let Lilith answer this one,” I turned the mic over to Lilith, who first bent over to flaunt her perfect buttocks and tail.

“Well, for one thing, in your case and that of the men in our audience, you get to fuck me. Live, on the air, in front of the whole wide world. Yes, I will completely drain you of all of your life force through your cum in the Super Drain as noted before, but that’s worth it, trust me. You’ll be resurrected as a demon, but it would mean likely separation from any angels or saints in the family forever. You would never get to go to Heaven. You’d never see its Pearly Gates at all. That path would be barred to you quite permanently. That’s your dilemma, my friend, and your decision is irrevocable. You can never change your mind after it. Once you’d taken a step in either direction, your fate is sealed in that sense,” Lilith explained to him.

“What if one never chose a side, either way? What then? Heaven? Hell? Limbo? Stay on Earth forever? Die naturally and take our chances? Would I likely get killed by the Holy Ghost and his cohorts in a short period of time? Would I get custody of my children if my husband is taken up in the Rapture? What would happen to them, then? Why should I pick a side here? Why get involved in a conflict when I have obligations and duties at home? Those are obvious questions that come to mind. Especially as a wife and mother. Is my marriage dissolved in such a case and am I free to remarry?” a young black woman asked us all.

“Well, as far as the Rapture is concerned, children under seven get the Rapture status of the mothers by the terms of a very recent pact between Lord Asmodeus and Lord Michael. If you are converted and go up in the Rapture, your toddler goes with you. That’s just how it is, because among other reasons, maternity is easier to prove than paternity. Also, while the roles equalize among the sexes over time, in those earliest years, children emotionally depend on and bond with their mothers first more often than not. It’s just more practical that way. In those tender years, this is just the best policy,” Raphael clarified, much to the woman’s visible relief.

“Children between the ages of seven and thirteen can decide for themselves whether or not to convert, of course. Sorry, but if your eight year old doesn’t want to be Raptured and leave his buddies behind, that’s tough luck. This means that you could well take one child with you, but have to leave one or more on Earth to face whatever fate a mortal would experience. He would remain mortal until at least fourteen years of age, at which point he would have the option of turning demonic. This is because of the nature of demonic transformation. It’s not suitable for one so young, as you know. Fourteen is going to be the new age of consent and the new age of demonic conversion as well, period,” I elaborated a bit now, getting a grateful nod from the two angels.

“Well, I can’t say that I like it, and I definitely don’t know if hubby would go for it, but for me, I’m ready to convert to Michaelism. Right here and now. Baptize me, please. Do it before I get cold feet. Then I can present my husband with a fait accomplis, a fact accomplished, and he’ll have to decide on that basis whether or not to join me in Heaven tonight. Oh, will I remain married in Heaven if we both get Raptured?” a ginger in either her late thirties or early forties made her own inquiries now.

“Technically not at first, but we can renew your marriage and its vows, making you wedded all over again, if you both wish it. Otherwise, though, your union is dissolved and you are both free to remarry. Also remember that he could take extra wives and you could take extra husbands, up to three more each. If you’re not keen on that idea, you don’t have to do it, just prepare for the prospect he might even if you don’t. He would be well within his rights, too.

“As for having affairs, those are still ... banned. Unmarried folks can practice premarital sex up to a point, according to what I’ve recently heard, but married folks have to wed any additional partners first or else it’s adultery. There is no divorce in Heaven, either, unless you’re cast out of Heaven and your marriage is thus dissolved. Sorry, but those are Michael’s rules. Barring such expulsion, assuming that you survive Armageddon, you’re in Heaven for eternity should you convert.

“Also, you can marry one or more spouse of each sex, but you have to be married to them to sleep with them. Same rules. It’s adultery otherwise. Once you pick your four, that’s it. You’re stuck with them barring the aforementioned scenarios ... forever. That’s all you get. No authorized exceptions. One caveat, however, is that incest remains and likely always will remain taboo in Heaven. Well, incest closer than first cousins. Kissing cousins are charming and permitted, but that’s where we draw the line. Or rather where Lord Michael does. These are his rules, not mine,” Gabriel answered for his part now.

“Okay, yeah, I’m definitely converting now. Sign me up. Baptize me,” the woman now declared, becoming the first in the previously undecided audience (that was the point with them) to make a firm commitment to either Heaven or Hell.

“Step forward, then,” Van led her over to James Cromwell, asking her now, “what’s your name?”

“Sadie Anne Howard. My sister’s name is Selah Jane Rogers. Tell me, is it possible for sisters to marry the same man? Because that’s a form of polygamy that I could accept more readily than most. I would at least have a natural bond with my sister-wife and we could embrace our rivalry in a playful and healthy fashion, I think. My sister’s husband just got killed in China and she is very lonely, you see. Also, are there surnames in Heaven?” the newest convert kept rambling, but didn’t wait for the answers, almost as if she was just killing time in her anxiety.

“Enough questions. I thought that you were ready to convert. Are you or not?” James insisted gruffly.

“Yes, of course. Baptize me, please!” Sadie agreed.

“Strip naked and follow me into the baptistry. Don’t worry. You won’t take your clothes with you in the Rapture, anyway. We decided upon naked baptism as a further act of surrender, faith, and vulnerability to our new God, Lord Michael the Archangel, King of Heaven. Stand here. That’s goes. Sadie Anne Howard, do you wish to profess your faith in the Lord Michael the Archangel, the King of Heaven and the new Almighty God Himself? Do you wish to be so baptized in the nakedness of your flesh, embracing the innocence of Eden?” the Reverend James Cromwell intoned in the first of his final series of baptisms, all of them nude.

“I do,” Sadie blushed and shivered a bit as she disrobed and stood naked in the cold baptistry waters.

“Then I baptize you in the name of Lord Michael our God, the Archangel, the King of Heaven. Rise in your new faith, the profession of the same, and the consecration of your soul to our Lord. Rise and return to your seat a brand new woman, devoted to Lord Michael our God and sure of your election in His Providence,” James completed the baptism and the whole world watched as a halo appeared above Sadie’s head now.

“Mind if I call my husband now?” Sadie asked aloud.

“By all means,” Elizabeth broke her silence as Sadie dialed her cell phone to FaceTime her husband.

“Honey, it’s me. Sadie. I’ve done it. I’m here at the CNN Town Hall here in this abandoned church and I’ve just been baptized a Michaelist on live TV. Tell me, what do you think of that? Would you like to join us? I won’t need my old clothes anymore, due to the Rapture, in case you’re worried about my nudity. Are you watching this?” Sadie asked him.

“Look, honey ... it’s just not for me. I just ... can’t. I can’t sign up for this kind of life. But you’re clearly committed to it. You’ve made your decision. Apparently, your fate is sealed as they say. Mine is not and I’m not ready for it to be just yet. You do you, babe. I guess that this is the end of our marriage. To be perfectly honest, Selah and I have drawn closer, ever since, well, her husband Murphy was slain in China. We were going to ask you about a triad, in fact. Well, a V, anyway, since she’s not into incest. It’s a pity that won’t be an option now,” Houston Howard answered Sadie.

“But it still can. Baby, just do it for me, please! Join the Michaelists. We can all three be together in a triad. In a V, just as you described. We can be together forever. The three of us. Just think on it, while you still have a chance,” Sadie pleaded with her husband and sister, who huddled briefly and nodded.

“We’re ... agreed. She wants us to be a V, even if it means cutting off all other options. I want us to be a V, too, if still possible. We’ll do it. We’ll get baptized. It does mean leaving Cheney, Janie, and Lanie behind, though. They’re not up for it. They’ve made that clear. This is really allowed in Heaven?” Houston wondered openly.