Chapter 27

Two days before Christmas

“And this just in. The United States House of Representatives has approved a new Speaker, Ben Ray Luján, a Democrat, of course, from New Mexico, the first Hispanic Speaker of the House in American history. With both Majority Leader Steny Hoyer and Majority Whip Jim Clyburn set to be Raptured, neither of them could be selected to replace the late Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi died in an unexpected plane wreck last Saturday in northern China, one that also killed former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Senators Kamala Harris, Dianne Feinstein, and Chuck Schumer, along with Secretary Clinton’s long-time assistant, Huma Abedin. The jet, a small charter type, simply lost altitude shortly after take-off and crashed into a nearby hangar, killing sixteen more people in the process. The only survivor was Neera Tanden, head of the Center for American Progress, who suffered significant burns and other injuries, causing her to be admitted to intensive care. Her escape from immediate death still puzzles local authorities.

“And in other news, convicted sex traffickers Allison Mack and Keith Raniere have both been declared dead after a still mysterious freak occurrence shortly after Ms. Mack’s startling escape from federal custody. Kristin Kreuk, Mack’s former long-time friend and colleague from the cable television series Smallville, has been cooperating with authorities regarding the details of her abduction by Mack and her bizarre escape from captivity at her hands. She has stated that Mack, ‘intended to force me to witness her murder-suicide pact in action, a strange ritual of atonement and penance, wherein she brutally castrated and dismembered Keith before setting him ablaze, causing him to burn alive. She then cut her own throat and set herself on fire as well, burning alive for at least part of the time before she perished from the knife gash.’ Both Mack and Raniere were still awaiting federal prison sentences at the time of their deaths.

“Meanwhile, in China, the People’s Liberation Army, commanded by General Xu Zhenya, has suffered several significant defeats in battles with the New Celestial Army, commanded by General Yao Liang. The NCA, which serves the new regime in Beijing, has gained considerable territory at the expense of the PLA as a result of these victories, resulting in the capture of an estimated eighty-six thousand prisoners. The PLA has been forced to retreat to, in their words, ‘more sustainable perimeters,’ causing the majority of northern China outside of Manchuria to become part of the Celestial Territories of East Asia, the formal name of the area controlled by the Celestial Mandate regime headed by Supreme Leader Wang Xi-Jian. The Shanghai-based rump government, largely a military junta recently renamed the National People’s Military Government of the People’s Republic of China, is led by General Xiao Li-Chen, who has been officially installed as Premier.

“In other news, we have continued reports that vast sections of the world are now heavily populated by demons, who have engaged in various lewd acts of public sexual congress meant to ‘turn’ more humans into demons themselves. The Governors of Texas, Indiana, Ohio, Wyoming, and Massachusetts have all declared states of emergency, due to widespread incidents of celebrities engaging in illegal public acts of sexual intercourse with underage students as well as encouraging them to copulate with teachers and staff. However, there are unconfirmed reports that entire units of the National Guard in all four states have now themselves turned demonic and participated in such activities themselves.

“The President of Brazil, Jair Bolsonaro, has reportedly discontinued his Amazon deforestation policy after his various contractors have all turned demonic. He has proclaimed martial-law, as large numbers of demons continue to hit the streets in open defiance of him, often indulging in naked orgies and other such acts of debauchery. In Turkey, riots have broken out when President Recep Erdogan attempted to stop the public bacchanalia, with rioters throwing dildos and other sex toys at police, and in many cases, turning them into demons who joined the festivities as well. There are shocking viral videos in many countries of people being sexually penetrated by demons, killing themselves, and then turning demonic on camera.

“President Donald Trump, however, has reportedly called every Governor in every state to calm them and reassure them that nothing is wrong. He has even Tweeted to this effect of late and publicly clashed with Vice President Mike Pence by stating that “there is nothing to fear from demons. They’re simply another species of intelligent life now coexisting peacefully with mankind.’ President Trump is set to hold a press conference this afternoon, in fact, on the White House South Lawn, where he will speak to the country and the media regarding this phenomenon. As of these past few minutes, in fact, Governor Greg Abbott of Texas has rescinded his declaration of emergency and there are unconfirmed reports that fellow, if more centrist Republican Governor Charlie Baker of Massachusetts may soon follow suit.

“Okay, this just in. President Trump, in a rather shocking display of unity with the scientific community with whom he has quarreled in the recent past, has apparently invited Neil de Grasse Tyson, Bill Nye the Science Guy, former Queen guitarist and astrophysicist Brian May, and Dr. Stephen Hawking to appear with him at the aforementioned press conference, set to begin at 2 pm Eastern Standard Time. Of these, only Dr. Hawking has declined the invitation, while the other three have accepted it and are expected to attend it punctually. This is even more shocking when one considers that President Trump has recently been impeached and still faces a yet delayed impeachment trial process in the Senate, presided over by Chief Justice John Roberts.

“Also in the news, new hashtags supposedly encouraged by a growing online demonic community, consisting of demons and their fans, sympathizers, whatever one wishes to call them, have appeared on social media sites, along with selfies, memes, etc. urging people to turn demonic. Tweets and Facebook statuses, not to mention Instagram photos, have circulated showing people with before and after demonic transformations, sex tapes involving devils, live feeds praising someone known as ‘Lord Asmodeus,’ supposedly the King of Hell and Prince of Darkness, which is odd, because I thought that was Satan, people displaying evidence that demonization has cured them of terminal diseases, and many videos have surfaced showing testimonials in favor of ‘turn to burn’ conversions. The hashtags #HellYesImADemon, #EatMyTail, #SuckMyTail, #GetSomeTail, #TurnRedToGetHead, #FormerIncelNowDevil, and even #DemonsSavedMeFrom, followed by a description of whatever condition the demons saved the person from allegedly, have been trending all over Twitter, much to the shock of some.

“There are now even campaigns being promoted online, such as ‘No Bra Day,’ ‘Handbra Day,’ ‘International Bottomless Day,’ ‘International Pajamas Only Day,’ ‘International Miniskirt Day,’ encouraging everyone of both sexes to just wear miniskirts, shoes, and nothing else, ‘International Commando Day,’ meant to discourage people from wearing underwear, ‘Public Hump Day,’ favoring public sex, ‘Fuck Your Secretary Day,’ ‘Fuck Your Teacher Day,’ ‘Fuck Your Students Day,’ ‘Fuck Your Boss Day,’ ‘Neighborhood Swap Day,’ ‘International Orgy Day,’ ‘Find and Fuck A Demon Day,’ ‘Find A Devil To Turn and Cure Your Friends and Family Day,’ ‘Eat Some Ass Day,’ ‘Kiss Some Ass Day,’ ‘Suck A Cock Day,’ ‘Eat A Pussy Day,’ etc. There are even so-called challenges, such as the ‘Strip Mall Gang-Bang,’ ‘Steinmart Strip,’ ‘Fuck A Debutante,’ ‘Screw A Bridesmaid,’ ‘Wedding Day Bathroom Sex,’ ‘Pulling A Train On Your Wedding Day,’ ‘Fuck The Bride,’ ‘Fuck The Groom,’ etc. challenges.

“Some communities are attempting more rigorous enforcement of public decency laws to crack down on these incidents, but there has been, at most, limited success. In many cases, when authorities tried to intervene, sheriff’s deputies, city cops, even state troopers, have been turned and have simply joined in the activities. When an orgy broke out at an army base commissary, military police deployed to suppress it were said to have partaken in said activity and turned demonic as well. Other communities have tried to control the rise in rampant and public sexual promiscuity by designating permissible ‘fuck zones,’ wherein participants can engage in such conduct without any legal repercussions, in order to confine the activities to those areas. This has not appeared very successful, either, so far.

“Oh, excuse me, I have an incoming cell phone call. Wait, how did my cell phone get taken off vibrate? Hello, you’ve reached John Berman, co-anchor of New Day with CNN. Your phone call is on-air, live, right now. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking? I have you on speaker phone, in fact,” John Berman, the CNN anchor asked me.

“Well, I gather that you haven’t been turned yet. Neither has your lovely co-host. I could tell if she had been. Jake’s been working overtime to turn as many of you as he can, after all. Jake Tapper, that is. He’s one of us now. A devil. So are Erin Burnett and Ana Cabrera, in case you missed those details. He’s under orders not to turn Van Jones yet, though, as he is to co-host a CNN Town Hall on New Year’s Eve, with Elizabeth Vargas, wherein myself, one of my confederates, and two angels of Heaven will present our cases to anyone still not familiar with what’s going on. We’re going to make it clear what you can expect during the Rapture, which will happen on schedule, at midnight, Greenwich Mean Time, on New Year’s Day, 2020.

“There must and there will be a baptistry of sorts available for those seeking to be baptized as Michaelites, as that is the most visible and efficient means of conversion to Michaelism, the live studio audience must consist of people who haven’t gone demon or converted yet, and both sides must have enough time to present our arguments for Heaven vs. Hell. You’re more than welcome to join either one. Perhaps it should be held in a church of some kind, eh? Even if that does profane the church in question with the obvious ways that one turns demonic.