Chapter 24

“You know, you gave two different guys the task of seducing Olivia Wilde, right?” Monica pointed out to me as I brought Blake Lively and Lacey Chabert back with me to her apartment.

“Did I? Well, that should definitely double my chances of landing her. She just might get double-teamed, right? Or one will get there to find that the other one did the deed already and just go for sloppy seconds. Anyway, it will be fine. For you, my dear, I have a special task. Collect the President, First Lady, Premier, and every cabinet minister in France, followed by Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany and her cabinet, followed by the entire Austrian Government, the Irish, Danish, Norwegian, Swedish, Finnish, Icelandic, Dutch, Belgian, Luxembourgian, Czech, Spanish, Portuegese, Swiss, Maltese, Latvian, Estonian, Lithuanian, and Slovak Governments.

“I haven’t decided quite how to deal with the Polish and Hungarian Governments yet, though some part of me hopes that Michael just Raptures them along with the House of Saud and President Erdogan of Turkey. Use your futa cock when necessary, but get these leaders onto our side. Also collect the leaders of the EU and NATO themselves. Once these are on our team, taking over Great Britain is a matter of setting up the dominoes just right. You whoring around for me will do wonders toward the idea of a demonic supremacy over Europe. Imagine the impact on the world from that alone, my dear. Also, seduce their staffs, interns, servants, any offspring fourteen and up with no halos, etc. They’re useful, too, after all,” I instructed Monica, just as I witnessed a breaking news update.

“This just in. Former Secretary of State and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton has been spotted, along with her favorite aide, Huma Abedin, in Shanghai, China, having just flown there to meet with General Xiao Li-Chen, the newly appointed Premier of the National Military Government in Exile. Shanghai is serving as the rump Chinese Communist regime’s temporary capital, while they marshal their forces and attempt to wrest control of Beijing back from Wang Xi-Jian, the self-proclaimed Supreme Leader of the new Celestial Mandate regime there. Wang has formally renamed China the Celestial Territories of East Asia, indicating ambitions to expand outside of traditional Chinese frontiers.

“Also spotted with Hillary and Huma were Neera Tanden, head of the Center for American Progress, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and U.S. Senators Chuck Schumer of New York, Dianne Feinstein and Kamala Harris of California, both largely regarded as Clinton surrogates or associates. The exact nature of this Sino-American summit is not clear, but Wang made a very loud point of warning that, ‘when Hillary and her corrupt gang fall into our hands, they will suffer divine justice for their sinful and wicked acts.’ Rumors are circulating that Hillary is preparing to announce a late candidacy as an ‘emergency’ step to stop the momentum of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and entrepreneur Andrew Yang, both of them benefiting from the departure of several candidates from the primaries.

“Given that context, accentuating her high profile past in terms of foreign relations would be a possible step to emphasize her perceived gravitas and experience as a stateswoman. Secretary Clinton has faced sharp criticism in recent months about her foreign policy record, including statements calling her ‘queen of warmongers’ by Hawaii Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, who has referred repeatedly to a ‘Bush-Clinton-Trump’ foreign policy doctrine of aggressive, Presidential wars. Perhaps she is trying to demonstrate that she has no aversion to engaging in peaceful diplomacy after all, that she isn’t a ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ kind of politician. Or, perhaps, as some cynics claim, she’s planning to get the US into a war with the new Chinese Government or with the old one instead. Either war would arguably be disastrous for the United States and the West,” Erin Burnett stated, even as her eyes glowed red and I could see her bosom swell with the natural lusts of a succubus.

“Jake did well there. But I have to wonder, what the actual fuck is Hillary doing in China? Bill, she’s your wife. What’s that bitch doing? You surely have some notion of her intentions there. Also, when was the last time that Erin Burnett did actual news instead of softball interviews on that special talk show of hers? Well, she’s likely to be very much improved, isn’t she?” I chuckled as I slapped Penelope Cruz on the tush and pulled her closer for a kiss.

“Hell if I know. So, what shall I do next?” Bill Clinton asked me now.

“Collect Monica Lewinsky, your old intern, and prepare for your new future as a widower. Personally, I think that you should marry her, as long as you both know that it won’t be monogamous. I imagine that Monica, of all people, would know that about you, anyway. Anyway, Gina Gershon, Denise Richards, Dina Meyer, Jayne Heitmeyer, Heather Locklear, Jennifer Sky, Victoria Pratt, Salma Hayek, Courteney Cox, Jessica Hecht, Maggie Wheeler, Joanna Pacula, Lisa Howard, and Alexandra Vandernoot are your next targets.

“Emma, start with Rupert Grint, Daniel Radcliffe, David Bradley, Jason Isaacs, Evanna Lynch, Ralph Fiennes, Joseph Fiennes, Michael Gambon, Helena Bonham Carter, Kenneth Branagh, Emma Thompson, Brendan Gleason, Adrian Paul, Christopher Lambert, and Gary Oldman. That should keep you busy for a good while. Kurt Russell, go for Goldie, of course, followed by your daughter, Kate, then Marlee Matlin, Mary-Louise Parker, Linda Fiorentino, Linda Cardellini, Paz Vega, Tyra Banks, Christy Turlington, Heidi Klum, Madeleine Stowe, then Shannon Elizabeth, Joey Lauren Adams, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Dido.

“Parminder, I want you to recruit Ben Kingsley, Kelly Preston, Annette Bening, Chloe Sevigny, Laura Dern, Anne Heche, Nancy Travis, Eric Stoltz, Maria de Medeiros, Jane Leeves, Crystal Bernard, Amy Yasbeck, Steven Weber, and Hugh Grant. Penelope, go for Adam Sandler, Frances McDormand, Zoey Deschanel, David Boreanaz, Emily Deschanel, Mark Peregrino, Christian Bale, Katie Holmes, Brian Bosworth, Brandon Routh, Henry Cavill, Kate Bosworth, and Amy Adams. A lot of these will require the futa cock, but so what? Make good use of it.

“Jane, you’re to cut through Mexico, nailing as many Mexicans, of both sexes, fourteen years of age and upwards who lack halos as you can manage. Don’t stick to high schools. Converting the maximum number of Mexicans possible is essential, given that Mexico is a prime tourist destination for Americans and has such a major headache with the drug cartels. Not to mention that it means that we can use immigration as a means to lure more Americans to their damnation. The anchor baby honey trap, if you catch my drift. Green card marriages. Lusty Mexican maids, janitors, waiters, waitresses, etc. So many Mexicans don’t have green cards that it will be much harder to catch demons posing as such.

“Kim Basinger, go through Central America, each of the countries there, and do the same. Same basic rules. Central Americans of both sexes, without halos, ages fourteen and upwards. In both cases, encourage selfies and sex tapes, of course. Seduce couples as much as you can into threesomes. Ireland, do the same in the Caribbean countries, starting with Cuba, for obvious reasons. The sooner the Raul Castro regime falls, the better.

“Frankie, collect Rosanna, David, and Patricia Arquette, followed by Geena Davis, Gina Lee Nolan, Matthew Modine, Ally Walker, Jamie Luner, Andy Garcia, Allison Janney, Kim Delaney, Kim Cattrall, Chris Noth, Adam Sandler, Julianne Nicholson, Alicia Witt, Jeff Goldblum, Judd Hirsch, Fred Savage, Judge Reinhold, Danielle Fishel, William Daniels, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jennifer Esposito, Neve Campbell, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Phoebe, take on Michelle Trachtenberg, Elisha Cuthbert, Elizabeth Banks, Annabella Sciorra, Annabeth Gish, Gillian Anderson, Freddie Prinze, Jr., Rachel Leigh Cook, Jude Law, Rachael Ray, Giada de Laurentiis, Mario Batali, Emeril Lagasse, Bobby Flay, Stephanie March, Chris Rock, Chris O’Donnell, Michael Caine, Nadia Comaneci, Sandra Bernhard, Guy Pearce, Madonna, Cristina Aguilera, Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Russell Brand, Diane Neal, Ice T, Richard Belzer, and Benjamin Bratt.

“Orlando, get Geoffrey Rush, Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, Leonor Varela, Billy Zane, Joan Severance, Timothy Dalton, Joanne Whalley-Kilmer, Val Kilmer, Elisabeth Shue, Andrew Shue, Courtney Thorne-Smith, Shakira, Jonathan Pryce, Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, Elizabeth Berkeley, Erika Christensen, Shiri Appleby, Alicia Silverstone, Stacey Dash, and Anna Camp. Miranda, get Sienna Guillory, Miranda Otto, John Rhys-Davies, Sabrina Lloyd, Vincent D’Onofrio, Kathryn Erbe, Bill Murray, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, Jerry O’Connell, Dylan McDermott, Dermot Mulroney, Kelli Williams, Sean Penn, Robin Wright Penn, Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Joaquin Phoenix, Samantha Morton, Rupert Everett, Jeremy Northam, William H. Macy, and Djimon Hounsou.

“Matt Damon, you’re to grab Natasha Henstridge, Minnie Driver, Ming-Na, Indira Varma, Gemma Whalen, Sophie Turner, Emilia Clarke, Maisie Williams, Kit Harington, Rose Leslie, Rutina Welsey, Kristin Bauer, John Bradley, Owen Teale, Rufus Sewell, Paul Giamatti, Stellan Skarsgard, Alexander Skarsgard, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Emmanuelle Beart. Ben Affleck, you get Morgan Smith, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Holliday Grainger, Jeremy Irons, Kerry Condon, Lindsay Duncan, Lindsay Marshall, Polly Walker, James Purefoy, Ciaran Hinds, Tamsin Merchant, Maria Doyle Kennedy, Jonathan Rhys-Myers, Joely Richardson, James Frain, Jason Biggs, Jason Statham, Abigail Breslin, Amanda Seyfried, Thomas Haden Church, Wendy Crewson, and Laura Fraser.