Chapter 18

“Oops, we forgot a candidate and he’s just Tweeted at us about it. Former Congressman John Delaney of Maryland wanted to remind us that he is still running for President. However, the halo that showed around his head seconds ago when he did a brief live feed would indicate that he’s unlikely to be in the race much longer. Delaney is an avowed Catholic, much like Joe Biden.

“Actually, we got another annoyed Tweet just now, this time from spiritual guru and author Marianne Williamson, who wanted to point out that she was still running as well. Given that she doesn’t have a halo, which is actually surprising in a way, there is a decent chance that she might still be running at least for a few more weeks,” the newswoman continued.

“Who is that news lady, anyway?” I thought aloud, though too late to ask Jake Tapper, as he had already left for his assignment.

“Hell if I know. I could have banged her years ago. Who knows. Maybe I did. She looks like a fucking model,” I heard from behind me, from none other than the President himself ... Donald J. Trump.

“Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in ... So, Mr. President, you’re probably wondering what the hell happened to you!” I chuckled at The Donald, who was in full demonic form.

“No, it’s pretty obvious what happened to me, I think. You stole my fucking soul. Snatched it from me, using Kim here as bait. So what now? I’m a demon? I can expect what to happen to me? Eternal damnation, torment, that kind of thing? Am I still President? Am I dead now?” Trump shifted back and forth between Kim Kardashian and me.

“Well, as to whether or not you’re still President, that’s a very gray area. The Constitution has no provisions for what happens when a President gets his life force drained out of him by a succubus and is turned into a demon. Those Framers who ended up in Hell, and there were a few of them at least, have yet to provide a satisfactory answer to that question. For now, let’s just assume that you’re still technically the President, since that’s more convenient than having the torch pass to Vice President Mike Pence, isn’t it?

“Anyway, whether or not you get any kind of punishment is entirely up to me. I’ve never punished an incubus yet and I’d rather not have to start, but you will take your marching orders from me, both as to what bills to sign and what executive orders to issue, not to mention what judicial appointments to make, among other things. First time on the agenda, stop your stupid family separation policy and get those kids out of the cages. Are we clear? That wasn’t a request. That was a command from the King of Hell, the Prince of Darkness. The Boss, as far as you’re concerned, being a devil now,” I made my point abundantly clear to Trump.

“Okay, I can do that. Some in my party will rant and rave at me, but I was never that tied or wedded to any party. I’m not senile anymore. Apparently, I was for a time there. But becoming a demon seems to have cleared up some of the mental fog, if you will. I feel as if my mind is much sharper now. Is that right, Boss? By the way, what’s with this whole ‘Rapture’ business, anyway?” the brand new Trump wondered openly.

“Of course, your brain is fresher and more alert, dude. Demons don’t suffer from dementia, okay? It just doesn’t happen to us. We don’t have those kinds of human frailties. That’s part of the upside of turning incubus. The downside is that you are now my minion, my puppet, my lackey, if you will, like all of the rest of them. Your freedom is gone, buddy. As a devil, demon, fiend, all interchangeable terms, you live forever and serve me for just as long. I expect your eternal fealty, loyalty, allegiance. Is that clear, bitch?” I insisted, making The Donald prostrate himself before me at last.

“Naturally. I mean, I was basically a hatchet guy for the Clintons before they turned on me. Just because I began running in earnest instead of still being their puppet and playing to lose, they fucking turned on me, can you believe it? Sorry if my competitive streak got a hold of me, but once I became the nominee and actually had a shot to win, it wasn’t in me to take a dive, you know. Anyway, prior to that, I really pushed the birther angle to help soften Obama up and make him decide not to run for a second term, thus opening up the race to Hillary. Except it backfired, of course.

“Perhaps I overplayed it a bit. I have a flair for drama, something that Bill and Hillary forgot. She missed the 2012 opening for the nomination and had to wait until 2016. What you don’t know is that Bill Clinton didn’t just phone me back in 2015. He actively pushed me to seek the GOP nomination, of course. They had plans and schemes, you know. It was all a set-up. I was supposed to weaken the better placed, more respectable candidates in the Republican primaries.

“I was never even supposed to get very far past Super Tuesday. I was supposed to wound the eventual nominee and drag him so far right that he had no chance, even against a fundamentally weak Democratic candidate like Hillary. She knew that she was hated and polarizing, after all, but she had clawed, scraped, smeared, and battled her way thus far and didn’t plan to cut her losses at that point. She was too far invested in it and so were her clique and cabal of supporters, such as Huma Abedin, among others.

“Remember, the Clintons were very close to Melania and me. Chelsea was good friends with Ivanka and Tiffany, even with Jared. We had a lot of mutual friends and acquaintances, yes, including Jeffrey Epstein, of course. Hell, I even got along with Marc, Chelsea’s husband. I was a registered Democrat for years. I donated lots of money to various friends of Bill and Hillary, such as Kamala Harris, even as late as 2011, at the height of all that ‘birther’ mess, which was completely bogus and I knew it. Kamala took my money and ... slept with me, I might add, even while I was busy attacking the leader of her own party, the President of the United States.

“Anyway, I was a Clinton surrogate for years. I supported Bill and Hillary, gave them money, even prepared to run third-party to help Al Gore beat George W. Bush. Someone decided that I might do too well, take too many swing votes from Gore, so I pulled out of the race. In 2015, however, I got very different orders, orders to be a ‘Pied Piper’ type of candidate and run as essentially a far right, ultra-nationalist, isolationist, Pat Buchanan kind of candidate, that was the basis, anyway. Another Lou Dobbs, if you will.

“I had some hesitation, because that’s my reputation that would take a hit, but the Clintons assured me that they’d take care of my interests if anything weird happened. And I still had plenty of other friends, such as Lorne Michaels. I would still have been forgiven, he assured, as long as I lost. Instead, of course, I won, which by that point, I partly hoped would happen, partly feared it, too. I thought that I would lose, but a small part of me took satisfaction in beating my old friend, Hillary Clinton. She has never forgiven me for daring to defeat her. She took it as a betrayal on my part. That ended our friendship for good.