Chapter 23

“He lasted five minutes this time! What do you think, Gene? Is it still a phone?” I put my phone back down on the table. I was getting teased by the guys and girls on my team. I did not have my head in the game, but I had yet to miss the humor and bite someone’s head off.

“I kissed it -- should be turning back into a handsome prince any moment now.” I tried to keep myself grounded. When were Sam’s classes this morning? C’mon Alex! Unless she doesn’t meet Sam before the boots wear off, then -- oh shit.

“Boss!” I was stopped before I could panic. I ran to extinguish the latest emergency.

Another century ticked by over the next hour. I had to read everything four or five times. I had given a negligent “That’s great!” on a deeply flawed spec, and had been shoveling the resulting shit out of that hole all morning.

“Fuel up.” One of the girls on the team had performed a legendary Tim Horton’s run. I thanked her profusely as I drank my double double. I stopped myself from going for a third donut.

“No one’s going to blame you,” she smirked, then grabbed my wrist and slapped the Boston cream into my hand. My phone rang; I left half the pastry on the table and grabbed the nearest drafting room with a door as I answered.

“Jesus! What the hell’s wrong with you, Gene?” my brother replied to my panicked hello.

“Christ,” I agreed. “Look, girl trouble.”

“Girls. There’s always dick, you know?” he pointed out.

“Ha,” I declared. “And also ha.”

“Gene, you had to have seen it coming. They’re college girls.”

“It’s not them.” I shook my head.

“You have more? Jesus, I take it all back. Lay off the dick or there’ll be none left for us more enlightened lovers,” he said.

“No, I mean. I’m kinda having a girl problem that’s not the fault of the girl,” I said. “Sort of. Not one of my girls. Another cunt witch who triggered Sam’s dad by kissing me, and now he’s kinda dragged his daughter away.”

“Your trouble is another woman wants you?” my brother tutted.

“She’s trying to fuck things up.”

“So she can have you for herself, get bored, and walk away?” he said. “Ignore her.”

“That was the plan,” I said.

“No, it sounds like the plan involved being close enough to have her lick your tonsils,” he countered. “Did she break into your place?”

“I knocked on her door.”

“You don’t get to curse out landmines if you’ve gone and covered your favorite trampoline with them,” he said.

“ ... wisdom.” I agreed. “Who said that - Martin Luther King Junior?”

“Senior. Weird guy,” my brother said. “So, what’s the now plan?”

“Um, Alex is going to meet Sam in class today and get ahold of me,” I said. “I was kinda hoping it wasn’t you on the phone.”

“Well, story of my life.” He feigned wounded pride. “But I can tell you, the old ‘get her friend to find out if she still likes you’ routine works great in grade 7. They are older than that, I hope.”

“They’re 19,” I said.

“I’d keep their paperwork handy,” my brother teased. “Look, seriously, what are you going to do?”

“I--Well ... I’ll talk to her,” I said.

“Seems to me, the problem is that her father hates you. Talk to him.”

“She’s an adult and--”

My brother cut me off. “And dollars to donuts her family’s important to her.You faced off with the blonde’s dad. ‘Peter’, I think you said?”

“Well, he was respecting her choices,” I mumbled. “And, uh, he doesn’t think that I’m using his daughter as a war trophy to fire up a different girl’s uterus.”

“Wow,” he said. “Look, talk to him. I know, I know -- normally you’d ignore my advice. Last month -- hell, last week -- you’d be lying there all bloated and stupid like the rats in Mom’s compost heap. But the girl changes things. Sam changes things. You’re gonna do it because you know that Sam deserves a Gene who’s not just lying there and waiting for her to come back. She deserves a Gene who’ll fucking fight for her.”

“Fight for her?” I said. “Of course I’m going to fight for her.”

“And this other bitch? Forget where she lives. Let her die on the vine,” my brother said. “Who is she to you anyways? Not one of your co-workers?”

“No,” I scoffed. “No one here’d be interested in me.”

“Yet three supermodel teenagers are? And they’re even up to sharing you? Well, holy shit, you have perfect knowledge of how women think and feel.”

“Well obviously, they come with instruction manuals, and I finally started reading them, and...” I trailed off. I wasn’t in the mood for jokes.

“So, what are you going to do?” he asked. “Spell it out for me. If you can’t handle it in a three-step process, back to the drawing board.”

“1. Get Sam’s father’s number. 2. Call Sam’s father. 3. Ask him to sit down for a coffee,” I said.

“Not bad, not bad. He tells you to fuck yourself, at least you made an effort. Then Operation Does Sam Like Me Yes/No Circle One goes off in the background.”

“God damn you.” I sighed. “Shit, Max might be able to get me his number. She’s got physics right now. I probably got to get her in the boots too.”

“Well, now we’re venturing into territory I don’t want or need to visit!”

Shit, I guess that did sound kinky. “Look, man, thanks for calling. I really needed the ass-kicking.”

“Ahem,” he said forcefully.

“What? Look, I--”

“‘Hey Doug, what’re you calling for?’” he grumbled, but I could hear his smug smile. “You don’t seriously believe I called you to solve your problem I didn’t know you had? The senses of Spider-Man combined with the psychiatry of Lucy ... Hey, what’s Lucy’s last name?”

“Lucy? From Charlie Brown? Fucked if I know.”

“Why did I have to be the awesome brother? Why oh why can’t you solve my issues the way I solve yours? Tsk tsk tsk.”

I sighed. “Okay, okay. Hey Doug, what’re you calling for.”

“I wanna meet your girls,” he said. “Are they cool?”

“Yes. Now, define cool,” I said.

“If I put out a bunch of red wine and board games, they’ll play, and not just flit around avoiding playing,” he said. I started laughing. I liked the smile I heard when he asked, “What?”

“Alex badgers me to play Ascension, and drags Max and Sam along with us,” I said.

“Marry that one,” Doug said. “Keep the others as French maids.”

“Yeah, that’s a plan.” I frowned. “Still, better get the fun-to-play games out too, just in case.”

“Y’know? I’ve dated Sams, Alexes, and a Max myself,” he said.

“Not as hot as mine,” I countered.

“No, no sir. Seriously, if you don’t or can’t make a move for Sam tonight, come by with your surviving harem,” he said. “Or tomorrow night. After that I’ll have to eat little cheese cubes and pepperoni slices on crackers by myself.”

“Yeah, maybe. Sam first,” I said.

“Sam first. Go get ‘er,” he said. “ ‘cause with my luck, she’ll be the one I like.”

“No.” I shook my head.

“No? Who?”

“When you meet my girls,” I said, “no way you only like just one.”

“Good. Later, bro.”

“Later, my man?” I said. We didn’t call each other ‘bro’ very much. He laughed and hung up. I frantically checked for a text message from Alex. Still nothing. I took ineffective deep breaths as I stepped back out onto the cubicle farm floor.

“Hey, sellout.” Issa waved as she walked by. “I think Rashid’s finally got the morning shitshow extinguished.”

“Awesome!” I grinned. “Time to start more fires.”

She laughed and I almost headed out to meet with and thank the man for the save.

“She hates me!” And a bunch of crying emoticons shook my phone from Alex’s text. Fuck!

“Hey boss. Peter Stint came calling again,” one of the guys told me.

“It’ll be okay.” I finished texting Alex: once Sam put the boots back on, it’d be more than a wish. I looked up to see Rashid. “Yeah, is he gone?”

“No, he’s coming out of your boss’s office right now.” I looked up; Alex’s well-dressed father nodded. He gestured with his head to the stairs. My cubicle was still unremarkable and in the center of the farm. I was pulling on my jacket while he held the elevator.

“How’re you doing?” I asked when he looked me up and down. “You’re in town a lot.”

“First was for Alex,” he said as the doors closed. “She had met a guy I was certain I would find objectionable in every way.”

“Every way but a handful.” I nodded. He cracked a smile.

“I am trying to poach you,” he said. “I talked to one of your coworkers on the way up here. They are raving about you.”

“Really?” I was a little surprised. “I do my best now, but took too long to want to. Or to appreciate how much better it was to be invested.”

“Far too long,” he agreed. “Cafe? Or can you stomach real food?”

“Chinese or a steak?” I asked.

“Steak. My treat,” he told me.

“Not saying no to a meal,” I nodded.

“How is Alex?” he asked. I didn’t let my face drop too much but he caught my less-than-thrilled posture.

“I think her and Sam are having a bit of a spat. Alex is really invested in making sure everyone is getting along,” I said.

“That’s basically Alexa,” Peter said as we got off the elevator. “I’m not thrilled with this.”