Chapter 3: Awareness

“My god Emily, this is crazy.” Chris was right, I couldn’t believe what we were both looking at. I hit the tablet screen to pause the whatever. I needed a moment.

How’d I get home? What day was it? My mind was a total blur. Looking around the room, yup it was our bedroom. I was dressed in my usual nightie, and I felt panties on. Everything was kinda normal but I just knew that the last few days or weeks or whatever, were far from normal. Fuzzy memories floating around my mind, smoking drugs, amazing feelings, and fucking. Oh my I’d been doing a lot of that. I felt cold, and a little unwell. Did I need food? A drink? The loo?

Looking at Chris, my loving husband, he was simply looking at me. He looked as confused as I felt. I tried to smile at him, he shook his head. I wanted to cry. He saw that and leaned in for a cuddle. I gripped him hard, he pulled me in tight. I sobbed. Him consoling me, “It’s ok love.”

After enough time to get it a bit out of my system we pulled back and he kissed me, chanting, “It’s ok love,” again. I was glad, I needed to feel loved. I felt strange. I felt so wrong. The fucking I’d done. No, no, no.

Then I felt the need to pee. I stumbled up, he supported me. “I need the loo,” my voice croaky and alien to my own ears. He nodded, I made my way to our en-suite.

“I’ll get you a cuppa.”

I closed the door behind me, sitting on the loo, peeing, I felt different down there. I knew it was the sex. I wasn’t sore, simply different. Somehow still slicker and my pee was more globby. I was shocked as I realised that was probably semen. I then caught the sight of myself in the mirror in front of me. I looked down not wanting to see myself. I felt ashamed, who was this woman? Again, my mind filled with confusing flashbacks.

My eyes caught a pile of clothes on the floor. All womens’, some mine from my flashbacks, some that I didn’t recognise. Then in my mind I could see myself in them at some point over the last, days, weeks, whatever it was. Why were they all here? Was I expected to wash them and give them back to someone?

Something else caught my eye, a bulge in a skirt that was scrunched up with stuff. I don’t know why it caught my eye as it was just a bump and crease in the huge pile of junk on the floor but something about that bulge triggered my mind. I couldn’t take my eyes off it.

Finishing up on the toilet, I was kneeling at the clothes. Moving a crusty pair of knickers to one side, I held the tiny skirt as I moved it round in my hands. I felt dread as I found a small pocket with a tiny plastic bag. In it were 3 pills. The feel of the bag hit my fingers like a lightning bolt. I played with the feeling, lightly squashing the pills between my fingers to take in their tactile feel. My mind was firing with memories of the pleasure and relaxed feeling these things gave me.

Closing my eyes and trying to calm my breathing. I suddenly wanted them. But at the same time, I didn’t want them. I didn’t need them. But I was so excited to have them in my hand. To know that I had them. God, yes.

“You ok in there?” Chris knocked the door lightly.

Opening my eyes looking at it hoping he wouldn’t open the door. “Yer, one sec.” Reaching back I flushed the toilet again to give me a moment.

Looking back at the pills, then back at the closed door. I again caught sight of my tired face in the mirror. I had bags under my eyes, my hair was a mess. I looked bad. I hardly recognised myself. Standing up and leaning over the sink. I was so disappointed in myself. I could even smell pussy and nasty body odour. I needed a shower. I needed to sort myself out.

Feeling the pills in my hand again. My mind was drawn back to them.

“Love?”

Shit I didn’t want him to find me with these in my hand. For a split second I thought about taking one of them but then the look of my own body revolted me. I quickly opened a small drawer and slid them between some sanitary towels, closing the drawer quietly.

Running the tap to rinse my hands and splashing my face. Time to face the music.

Opening the door, he was standing right there. Was he listening for me, or about to come in? He instantly took my hand and led me to the bed. “I need a shower, love.”

He nodded but added “First,” as he sat me on the bed and lifted the cup of tea from the dresser handing it to me. We exchanged smiles, that was soon crushed as he sat on the bed next to me with his ipad in hand. We both looked at it but he didn’t do or say anything. I started to drink my tea. Very aware that I was aching, smelly and my head hurt.

“We need to look at this together,” was all he said. I didn’t look up at him, I didn’t want to see the look in his eyes.

“Why?”

“You need to see what’s happened to you.”

“Have you watched it?”

“Not all of it, no.”

I sighed, “How’d you get it?”

“The man that dropped you off. He gave me a scrap of paper with this address and password on it.”

I couldn’t remember who or when that was. I sighed again, he was right, I should probably see it. I didn’t want to. My mind already had everything inside it and was probably rightly blanking it all out. “God, how long is it?”

He tapped the screen and I could see just over 6 minutes on the right of the timeline. God what could there be in 6 mins.

He’d woken the scene up with the tap and the screen was showing the still image that he’d stopped it on when he woke me. It was 2 seconds in and it was me on a sofa. The room was dark, I was on my own, sitting slumped with my head back, I was sleeping. I had a small white vest top on that was in a bit of a disarray, the bottom of one of my boobs was out and the nipple saying hi. My legs were wonky, splayed out in front of me to the floor. I had no skirt or panties on, my pussy hair visible. I had some high white heels on, they actually looked nice. But overall I looked peaceful, if like a total tramp. I really couldn’t believe I was laying there like that. It was so obviously me, my face clear as a bell in the picture, even if my hair was a mess.

I took the image in. I couldn’t believe that I had been like that. That I’d done that. That I’d, I dunno, allowed myself to be that way. What on earth had happened. I knew the answer, drugs. How the hell had I allowed myself to start taking those stupid, illegal, dangerous things. Just look at that woman, she was nothing, she had no dignity, she was a nothing. I was appalled at myself.