Chapter 5: Helping The Church

Seeing the Churchwarden after the service the next Sunday David asked him, “Mr. Price, can you tell me how urgent the roof repairs are, and what they will cost?”

“When it rains and the wind is from the east the rain gets in, so fairly urgent, at least some patching is. Really we need a new roof, and the Vicar claims to know someone who will do that for only a hundred thousand.”

David persisted, “But really it should cost twice that to do it properly?”

The Churchwarden looked nervously round and nodded.

“The heating?” asked David.

“Don’t ask,” said Mr. Price, “It is a disgrace but there are no funds for that so we will have to make do.”

“I wonder...” David seemed unwilling to continue.

“Yes?” prompted the Churchwarden.

“Would it be possible for you and I to have an informal meeting with the Bishop to discuss these matters, and the state of either the organ or the organist? There would be no need to involve anyone else, if you know what I mean?”

At the meeting with the Bishop which took place during the following week and when they were seated in his office round a small conference table David laid out his understanding of the problems. “As I see it, All Saints has three urgent problems, the roof leaks, the heating is on its last legs, and either the organ, or just possibly the organist, needs urgent attention. Is that not a reasonable summary Mr. Price?”

“Yes it is,” said the churchwarden, “though it is the organ itself which is failing.”

“I am well aware of these problems, but what can one do?” said the Bishop.

“Well, I can help financially, but only if certain conditions are met,” said David using his old managerial manner, “all of which are in your power, Bishop.”

The Bishop merely looked at him with raised eyebrows and waited. He was not going to be ordered about for a few thousands of pounds when hundreds of thousands were needed.

“There are five things about which I need reassurance. First nothing will be done without a proper survey. Second nothing will be done without proper quotes for the roof work. Third the heating will be repaired or replaced this coming summer, also by professionals. Fourth, the organ will be seen to urgently. And fifth the Vicar will no longer try to humiliate me in public. If those conditions can be met I can guarantee a substantial donation.”

“Well thank you. The first four conditions are all what I would wish to have happen, and the fifth one I can see to personally. But I must warn you that we are talking serious monies for the roof and the heating,” said the Bishop standing up and clearly indicating that the meeting was over, and thinking, I don’t for one minute suppose he realises what it will cost.

“Very well. I leave this all in your hands, Bishop, and this should help,” David said, handing the Bishop a cheque, “If it won’t cover the costs then let me know.”

The Bishop accepted the cheque and looked at it, whereupon he sat down again suddenly, “I’ve never seen a cheque for a third of a million pounds, let alone been given one.”

“A new experience every day,” said David.

“May I ask what has prompted this generosity?” asked the Bishop.

“My wife died some three years ago. The members of the church congregation were very good to her in her last months, and Mr. Price and Father Newenham gave her the most beautiful funeral. After she died I had no use for God or his minions for quite some time. It is partly in gratitude for the congregation members’ efforts and partly in pure spite at my treatment by the incumbent priest, who calls herself the Reverend Martha Strong and lives, I understand ‘in sin’, with a Miss Jennifer Carpenter in the vicarage. She went out of her way to try to humiliate me in front of a Saturday coffee morning in the church hall and this is, at least in part, my revenge.”

“Ah the famous five penny piece incident,” said the Bishop, chuckling, “I did hear about that. And I will tell you privately that it was very well done, though outside these four walls I could not condone it. I have not yet discussed it with her, though I shall take much pleasure in giving her sight of this cheque.”

Later that week the Bishop called at the vicarage. When his ring on the official door bell was answered by someone he did not know he asked, “Might I see the Vicar please?”

“She’s very busy,” said the young lady who had answered the door.

“It’s rather urgent,” said the Bishop.

“Well ... who shall I say it is?”

“My name is Peter James.”

Jennifer clearly did not recognise the name. “I’ll go and ask. Wait here.”

The door opener came back to find the visitor had come into the hall and shut the front door behind him. “Who said you could come in?” she demanded.

“I gave myself permission,” the Bishop replied.

“Just who do you think you are to do that?” came the answer.

“I don’t just think, I actually know that I am the Bishop of this diocese and the Vicar reports to me. Now I assume she is in the study,” and he strode towards the back of the vicarage. Entering the study he said, “Vicar, is this how I am greeted? And who is the ignorant young woman who answered the door?”

“Er, Bishop, sorry, that’s my friend Jennifer. I don’t think you have met her.”

“No, and I don’t suppose I have appeared on Top Of The Pops often enough to be recognizable, but as I gather she lives here she might have been expected to recognise my name as that of the Bishop.”

Gathering herself together after the shock of a surprise visit from the Bishop, Martha asked, “How can I help you Bishop?”

“Perhaps a cup of tea?” he asked, “and then some idea of your plans for the roof of All Saints?”

“Yes, of course,” and a gesture sent Jennifer scurrying to the kitchen, “We are coming on with the roof fund very nicely, and Jennifer’s father can repair it for us very cheaply.”