Chapter 63

Arwen Dickenson had a love-hate relationship with waking up. Far too many mornings over the last eight years, she’d done so gasping from nightmares of being buried alive or hands with an unbreakable grip holding her underwater to drown. On mornings when her dreams were better, she often fought to stay asleep and keep the awareness of real-world mundanities away for a while longer.

In recent months, that real world had improved to the point where she actually welcomed it most mornings. Waking up pressed against Lev, Nick, Pilar, Kiki, or some combination of the four was worlds better than waking up alone day after day.

This morning she resisted waking partly out of instinct, but even moreso because she was living in a moment of near-perfect balance: suspended between sleep and waking, her body moulded into Lev’s massive chest, rough hair pressed against her nipples, her legs wrapped around one muscular thigh. Against her back pressed the soft, sleek curves of the woman they’d brought home last night. Margaret Smythe-Stone was at least a full head taller than Arwen, tall enough that it was possible for Arwen to feel completely enclosed in the twinned embrace of her dearest lover on one side and her newest on the other.

If she could just freeze this moment in amber and live in it forever, Arwen would be truly and completely happy. Change could only bring entropy and loss. Once three bodies started moving in relation to each other, it was impossible to know where they would wind up.

After months of living together in New York and waking up together almost every morning, Lev had learned to move slowly at first and linger if possible, humoring her fantasies of permanence. If Arwen moved enough to check, she might find that he was already wide awake, patiently waiting for her to decide to get up.

Maggie, on the other hand, only knew Arwen intimately without any of the particulars. She announced her waking by kissing the back of Arwen’s neck, raising a pleasant shiver, but also presaging the end of their interlude together.

“I really should run if I’m going to be presentable for the play,” Maggie said in her lovely accent, her voice lowered to a stage whisper.

“Of course...” Arwen half-rolled back to catch sight of the other woman’s elegant form as she rose naked from the bed. “Will we see you at dinner?”

“I wouldn’t miss it.” Maggie picked up Arwen’s panties from the floor, gave them a confused look, seemed to realize they weren’t hers, looked around the floor, folded them over neatly, and placed them on a chair.

Lev stretched, rose, and, without a word, strode into the en suite bathroom and closed the door. Arwen watched Maggie watch him go. To avoid the falling of an awkward silence, she said, “You can only train them so much.”

Maggie turned her head quickly, cheeks flushing a little at having been caught staring. “I suppose so. I’ve never had one long enough to try.”

Arwen looked Maggie over head to toe. “Not from lack of opportunity, I imagine.”

Maggie was even fairer than Arwen and blushed all over as she gathered her clothes. “No ... more from a desire to avoid dealing with family expectations. Most of my friends are ... unsuitable and the ones that aren’t, if I show too much interest, my mother won’t hesitate to start trying to arrange something more permanent before either one of us is ready to discuss it.”

Arwen wrinkled her nose in amusement. “What, like royalty?”

“Very much like royalty.” Maggie slid her dress over her head and wriggled into it. “My grandfather is a duke.”

Arwen rolled onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows. “Seriously? You’re expected to marry a royal?”

“Not necessarily. But, it is hoped that I’ll marry well. My mother’s attitude is that it should be easy with royals on one side and Stones on the other.” Maggie tugged on the hem of her dress until it fell into place, then came to stand by the side of the bed. “Zip me up?”

Arwen rose and did as she was asked. “I don’t imagine you’ll want to tell her about last night, then?”

Maggie smirked back over her shoulder. “I tell my family as little as I can manage about my love life. The less they know, the less they can meddle. And...” She finger-combed her straw-blonde hair. “Do you two do this sort of thing very often?”

Suddenly, it was Arwen’s turn to feel shy. “Uh ... for some values of ‘often’ and ‘this,’ kind of.”

“Often enough to know what the rules are? For any value of ‘often’ and most of ‘this,’ I only ever did something like this once before. It was years ago and it didn’t turn out so well. I wasn’t really planning to do it again, but...” Maggie glanced towards the bathroom door.

Arwen chuckled. “Lev is an eyeful, isn’t he?”

“Well, yeah. But, what I was going to say was that I got the sense you were both into the idea ... and me. Usually, that’s not the vibe.” Maggie sat on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t get the sense I was going to screw things up between you two.”

Arwen sat down next to her, still completely naked and put an arm around her. “Not a chance. I can’t say we know the rules for this sort of thing any better than you do. Everybody here is kind of making it up as we go along, but Lev and I are solid.”

“Good.” Maggie leaned in and kissed her, drawing out and deepening the contact until Arwen heard a little whimper rise from her own throat. “I don’t know how long I’m going to be in New York this time, but it should be at least another week. I’d like to see you again.”

“I’d like that too.” Arwen leaned into her. “I’ll check with Lev, but I’m pretty sure he feels the same.”

Maggie tensed. “About that...”

Arwen raised her head. “You don’t like Lev?”

Maggie made a gesture of surrender. “No, I do. I like you two a lot. I just ... he’s a lot to take. I’m pretty sore this morning.”

“Oh, did he hurt you?” Arwen’s hand went to cover her mouth. “I’m sure he didn’t mean...”

Maggie laid a hand on her arm. “No, not in the moment. It was ... amazing. I just ... don’t know how long it’s going to be before I’m ready to try that again. Have you ... adapted to sleeping with Lev?”

“I have. I...” Arwen started to say.

“I mean, if you were with a normal guy tomorrow, do you think it would be ... any good?” Maggie blushed all over again.

It took Arwen a minute to realize what Maggie was asking. When she did, she burst out laughing. “Oh, I don’t ... That’s not a problem.” To her new lover’s skeptical look, she added. “You might have to just take my word for that. I really don’t want to scare you off just yet.”

“You two did just bring a near-total stranger home and fuck her until she nearly passed out. How much worse could it be?” Maggie offered.

Arwen raised an eyebrow, giving Maggie a moment to imagine how much worse it could be. Maggie let out a short, sharp burst of laughter, sat next to Arwen on the bed, and patted her knee. “I spent the summer after my freshman year of college living in a beach house with three of my dearest friends letting them do pretty much whatever they wanted to me whenever they wanted to. I pretended I was doing it for a chance to stay at that gorgeous beach house, but really I just wanted an excuse to have one long bacchanal.” She met Arwen’s eyes. “Is it worse than that?”

Arwen felt a wild flush of heat race across her skin and coalesce into a sharp ache between her thighs at the image of herself in the position Maggie had described and it left her a little dizzy. Even after all the two of them had done together in the last twelve hours, she was embarrassed by the strength of her response and felt the need to break eye contact for a moment. “Uh, no. Compared to that, it’s kind of tame actually. I was going to say that Lev and I sometimes swap with Nick and Pilar or ... one of his other girlfriends.”

“Ah...” Maggie put an arm around her shoulders. “And you’re saying it’s good with Nick, too.”

“So good.” Arwen sighed. “Different, but good. Nick’s not small. Kiki says he’s a little bigger than average. I don’t have enough experience with men to know what’s average...”

Just as Arwen realized she was rambling and maybe oversharing, Maggie interrupted. “I was hoping to meet him last night. I’m sure everyone was, but...”

“We can totally introduce you today if you don’t get a chance otherwise, but he’s usually super approachable. He just has lots of people here this weekend.” said Arwen.

“Great, great.” Maggie said absent-mindedly, her eyes on the bedside clock-radio. “Listen, I really do need to go if I’m going to make it to the theater on time. I’ll see you this afternoon?”

Arwen nodded. “We’ll leave a place at the table for you.”

Maggie rose and resumed gathering her things. With her back to Arwen, she added, “And the thing with Lev?”

“Kind of a delicate topic with him, but I’ll talk to him and we’ll figure something out.” Arwen watched her.

“Great, great...” Maggie repeated. For the next several minutes, they didn’t speak as she finished gathering her things and Arwen sat and watched her, unsure of what to do. Finally, she rose, strode back to the bed, and raised Arwen’s chin with three fingers. “I’m sure I’ve missed something, but I really have to go”

“Whatever we find, we’ll hold onto for you.” Arwen tilted her head back to allow herself to be kissed one more time, then kept her eyes closed until she heard the bedroom door close. Once she was sure their guest was gone, she let herself into the bathroom and found Lev stepping out of the shower.

“Yours if you want it.” Lev gestured behind himself to the shower.

Arwen nodded, but was looking thoughtfully at Lev’s cock. When she wasn’t aroused and she just thought about it intellectually, it could be more than a little intimidating. “You’ve been with a few women now. Do you think I’m unusually loose?”

Lev gave a thoughtful frown, the kind Arwen was coming to recognize meant he wasn’t about to give her the answer she’d expected. “Well ... you’re sleeping with two men and I’ve lost count of how many women. So, if you’re going to make that kind of judgment...”

Arwen stepped past him into the shower, slapping him gently on the shoulder as she did. “I meant physically. Maggie just suggested she wasn’t sure if she could handle having sex with you regularly. She also told me something about her past that makes me think she might be pretty wild. I thought promiscuity was supposed to make a woman more ... uh, adaptable, I guess.”

Lev turned to face her. “I used to hear that back on the kibbutz, but I thought it was an old wives’ tale. Where did you hear it?”

“Health class, the day we did sex ed.” Arwen turned the water on and hissed as the slightly too-hot stream hit her in the chest. “Miss Wisniewski said so.”

Lev frowned. “Maybe a fifty-something lesbian isn’t the right person to teach sex ed to eighth grade girls.”

Arwen turned to him, a little outraged. “Lev, just because she was a gym teacher with short hair doesn’t mean...”

“I saw her kissing another woman.” Lev interrupted.

“What? When?” Arwen asked.

“I was leaving school late one day and she was getting picked up by another woman in a Volkswagen. I could hear her say something about her car breaking down. Then they kissed.” Lev shrugged. “Kids were mean enough about her being a lesbian when it was just a rumor. I didn’t want to say anything and make it worse.”

Arwen stepped in closer under the shower and let it soak her hair. “You could have told us.”

Lev gave a noncommittal grunt. “Maybe ... probably in hindsight, but I’d only been at school for like two months at that point and I still thought Simon was Satan incarnate ... plus I didn’t know how to announce something that shouldn’t be a big deal. I pretty much forgot about it until you mentioned she taught you sex ed just now.”

Arwen started soaping herself up. “Still ... it’s not like lesbians know less about sex than straight people.”

“No, but they probably know less about cocks and how a woman’s body responds to them,” said Lev. “I got the impression those break-off sessions were meant for you to get answers to questions not covered in the official curriculum.”

A thought struck Arwen. “Did you ever get sex ed? We had it before you came to Brownfield Mills.”

“All of my sex education was in a more practical form,” Lev reminded her. “And our school wasn’t particularly structured by subject. If someone asked about sex, I imagine they would have gotten some kind of answer, but I never broached the subject.”

That led to a conversation about Lev’s schooling back in Israel - a semi-structured affair that he compared to a Montessori school, although it sounded like the subject matter was set based on what the teachers felt like teaching on any given day. It was an interesting discussion, but not enough to distract Arwen from her original question. “So, I’m not ... like really wide on the inside or anything?”

Lev laughed. “No, you’re a very snug fit ... as much so as you’ve always been. You know it took me a while to accept that I wasn’t hurting you, right?”

“When we were both less experienced, yeah. But, now that you’ve been with Pilar and Kiki...” Arwen fished.

“I haven’t exactly been with Kiki...” Lev reminded her.

“Well, enough to realize it’s not going to...” Arwen let hot water wash over her as she considered that situation. “I guess Kiki would be countercase exhibit A.”

Lev stepped in the shower behind her, reached for the soap, and began to lather her back. “I’m sure you could get an expert to give you the right answer, but your guess is at least as good as mine at this point.”

Arwen turned to face him. “It’s too bad. I thought Maggie might be a good girlfriend for us.”

Lev’s soapy hands continued their slow motions, but now they were on Arwen’s breasts. “And now you don’t?”

“Well, if she can’t have sex with you...” Arwen laid her hands on his hips and drew herself in closer to him, feeling his body stir against her.

“I think we pretty thoroughly proved that wasn’t the case,” Lev smirked.

Arwen nuzzled his shoulder.”Well, okay ... but if she wants to ration sex between you...”

Lev’s arms went around her waist, nearly lifting her off the floor of the tub. “Are you planning to have less sex with me?”

“No, of course not. Why would you ask that?” Arwen looked up into his eyes, seeking any concern of worry, but he only looked vaguely pleased with himself.

“Because I’m already having more sex than any man needs. Even when it was just the two of us, I certainly wasn’t feeling deprived. Whatever you specifically want a Stone girlfriend for, if Maggie fulfills that role, I vote we give her a chance.”

In spite of her best efforts, Arwen felt a little thrill of jealousy run through her at Lev providing even such a careful endorsement of another woman sharing their bed. The feeling had dulled over the last few months, but she suspected it would never go away entirely. She’d just chosen not to listen to it, but to focus on the fun she would have if she could keep it in check. While she wasn’t sure which of the pleasant aches still saturating her awareness she could attribute to Maggie’s touch, it had definitely been fun. As a surefire way of ending the conversation before it could go too deep into the wrong direction, she wrapped one hand around Lev’s cock and felt it stiffen further. “Well ... she’s definitely a Stone with all that entails...”

If Lev had any more opinions on the matter, he kept them to himself as he pinned her against the wall.

Sun-hwa Inoue-Stone (also known as Holly and occasionally Sunny) woke from a dream of being back in her father’s house. It wasn’t a good dream. In it, she was waiting to meet her future husband, chosen for her by her father, and dreading it. That kind of dream could normally ruin her whole day, but the sound of typing made her heart leap. On the road together, she’d learned to recognize the sound of Paul at his keyboard and later felt its lack waking up alone in her room at the Ramshackle. She gave herself a minute to just revel in his presence before she spoke. “Paul?”

The typing stopped immediately. “Yes? Are you all right?”

Sun-hwa opened her eyes and smiled at the sight of him. She and Paul were so different, but those differences called to her in a powerful way she hadn’t expected. “Infinitely better, I think.”

He sat on the edge of the bed and laid a hand on her hip. “That’s great. Are you hungry?”

“Maybe.” Sun-hwa pursed her lips. She didn’t want to talk about food. “What time is it?”

“Nearly four.” Paul’s smile warmed her.

“The party should be starting soon, then.” Sun-hwa didn’t mean to express regret at the idea, but Paul must have heard something of it in her voice because he raised a questioning eyebrow. She lowered her head. ““No rush to get there just as it starts, is there?”

Paul shook his head. “None at all as far as I’m concerned. Parties really aren’t my thing.”

“No, I know.” Sun-hwa was torn. If she asked Paul to just skip the party, he almost certainly would, but it wasn’t exactly what she wanted. She did want to meet more of their cousins and build the network that would allow her to make her way in the world outside of her father’s house. No matter how good the outcome of staying here in this tiny room with Paul might be, she knew she would feel foolish if she missed this opportunity.

But, she didn’t think what she really wanted was something she could just ask for out loud. Even the thought of asking made her ears burn. It was a familiar feeling, one she’d experienced repeatedly on their way across the country every time she thought about being bold and telling Paul how she felt.

And, she realized, it was the feeling that had nearly ruined everything there might be about them. This time, instead of trying to fight down the embarrassment, she let it wash over her and broke eye contact. Staring at his pleasantly-muscled chest, she asked, “Do you think we could make love before we go to the party?”

Paul’s answering blush raced down his chest, reddening his pale skin. Sun-hwa looked up into his eyes, worried that she’d gone too far and saw him staring at her, not breathing. She wanted to pull the question back and find some subtler way to bring it up, but she hadn’t pushed this far forward only to give back the ground she’d won. Afraid that any sound she might make could be misconstrued, she didn’t breathe either.

“I would like that.” Paul said quietly.

Sun-hwa blinked, waiting for more. When none was forthcoming, she said. “Ok, great. I should...”

As she spoke, she made to sit up. At the same time, Paul leaned in to kiss her on the mouth. At the last second, she swerved away. “Uh ... maybe after I brush my teeth?”

Paul let out a small laugh. “Are you sure?”

Sun-hwa nodded and briefly covered her mouth with one hand. “And maybe a shower, too. I’d like to feel ... less gross if that’s all right.”

Paul drew her in close, his arms around her waist, her head on his shoulder. It felt so good to be in his arms that, had he shown any desire to press ahead regardless of their current state, she would have crumbled, but he nodded against her. “Of course. Things should be just right.”

She shook her head. “That’s ... no. But, maybe just a little bit better than they are right now?”

Paul drew back to look at her and to stroke her face with the palm of his hand. Sun-hwa closed her eyes and leaned into it. His touch was a wonderful combination of firm and gentle that sped her heart. But when she thought he might move in to kiss her again, she drew back and made to rise from the bed. “I’ll be ... fast. Is that all right?”

Somehow, she got out of the borrowed room and into the hall. A helpful-looking person who probably worked for Nick directed her down to the next floor for a shower. She passed through a gym full of people, noting how clean and modern the equipment looked, particularly compared to how rough-around-the-edges a lot of the people lounging on and around it were this morning. It all felt like she was walking through a fog that made everything around her seem not-quite-real. Her body tingled in anticipation in a way that neither her low-grade headache nor the something-died-in-here taste in her mouth could eliminate.

There was a short line outside the women’s shower room when she found it. Sun-hwa joined the line and stared blankly ahead. Her mind was so occupied with the idea of what Paul had promised to do to her that she didn’t even realize it was Artemis’s back that she was staring at blankly until her classmate turned and looked at her.

“Holly, how did last night go?” Artemis’s smile belied how worked-over she looked. Her ponytail was loose and uneven and a suspicious purple mark peeked out from under the inside-out t-shirt she had on.

“Uh ... I don’t entirely remember?” Sun-hwa offered. “Maybe ask again when the dust settles?”

Artemis laughed soundlessly. “You and Paul? Anything there?” When Sun-hwa didn’t answer right away, she added. “Just tell me if I’m being too nosy.”

The offer was an easy out, but Sun-hwa realized she didn’t want to take it. “Uh ... actually, the dust is still settling there too. We were going to ... uh, I guess ... make something there. But, I felt revolting and ... did they serve roadkill at the party last night?”

Artemis laughed. “I don’t think so. Why?”

“I’m wondering where I got this dead possum taste in my mouth,” said Sun-hwa.

“You ... were pretty drunk last night. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure I should leave you alone with a guy, even Saint Paul in that state.” Artemis bit her lower lip.

Sun-hwa almost waved off the comment, but a small concern niggled at her mind. If Artemis had been worried about her safety, why hadn’t she said anything? Instead of letting her entirely off the hook, Sun-hwa said, “Well, you got lucky this time. I’m pretty sure I took more advantage of him than he did of me.” Before the conversation could turn into a big deal, she added, “How did things go with you and Kiki last night?”

Artemis smirked. “On a scale from one to your head exploding, how explicit should I get?”

Even the question made Sun-hwa blush. “Uh ... maybe start at one?”

That got a chuckle. “It was nice. I had a lovely time.”

When Sun-hwa realized Artemis wasn’t going to say more unprompted, she ran her hands through her hair, winced, and said. “Okay, try level two.”

“I’m pretty sure everyone else involved did too.” Artemis offered.

“Oh, that’s...” Sun-hwa started to say before her brain caught up. “Wait ... was it more than just you and Kiki?” Even as she asked the question, she wasn’t sure she wanted the answer. Her relationship with Artemis had already had enough ups and downs to last them for years and they’d only known each other for a week. On the other hand, Artemis had been nothing but nice to her. All of the chaos had been in Sun-hwa’s own head. First, she’d hated Artemis for being the target of Paul’s unrequited and largely unspoken desire. Then, she’d been in awe of her as some kind of globe-trotting superheroine. Then she’d desperately wanted to be best friends with Artemis while studying the art of being cool at her feet. Somewhere in there, she’d developed an epic and wholly unprecedented girl-crush. She hadn’t expressed any of these things and could only hope she hadn’t been too weird in how she’d avoided expressing them.

The line moved forward and Artemis gestured that Sun-hwa should move into whispering range. When she did, Artemis lowered her head and voice. “Do you know what’s going on here at the Loft ... like sex-wise?”

Sun-hwa had been sufficiently overwhelmed by questions of her own pending sex life to not have much bandwidth left for what other people might be getting up to. She shook her head.

To hear Artemis tell it, Nick Coyle had about a dozen lovers and each of his lovers had about a dozen of their own. Or maybe it was that Nick had a dozen lovers and they all slept with each other, but had a few additional lovers on the side. Another possible interpretation was that Nick’s lovers actively scouted other women to sleep with Nick. Sun-hwa didn’t ask for clarification because whatever the correct interpretation was, it was sufficiently alien to her own experience that she might have been too intimidated to come here if she’d known any of this beforehand.

Besides, in the middle of their conversation, an attendant had waved them into the locker room and after walking around a privacy wall, she’d suddenly been surrounded by other women in various states of undress. In one instant, she was hit with considerably more nudity than she’d experienced in her first eighteen years of life. She somehow managed to keep her feet moving and followed Artemis deeper into the room long enough to realize that everyone seemed incredibly casual about it. Young women walked up and down the aisle between the banks of lockers wearing nothing but pool shoes while others sat on benches chatting as if they hadn’t yet noticed they were naked. Ahead of her, Artemis kept talking and walking as if this were the most natural thing in the world and Sun-hwa forced herself to feign that attitude while inwardly doing some desperate calculation of the correct balance between staring and averting her eyes.

By the time they reached an empty bench between two banks of lockers from which only three or four semi-naked women were visible, Sun-hwa had missed crucial details of Artemis’s explanation of “what’s going on here at the Loft,” but decided to just focus on the current stream of information Artemis was sharing about someone called Casey. From listening going forward, she was able to ascertain that Casey was a blonde woman who’d been roommates with Kiki since before they met Nick and was something Artemis called “American pie sexy.”

Then, Artemis started to undress with the same casual approach everyone else here seemed to be bringing to the task. She stripped off the inside-out she’d been wearing revealing a bright red sports bra. As she crossed her arms to remove that garment as well, Sun-hwa scrambled for something to say so that she wouldn’t be standing there with her mouth open staring at her new friend.

“So, wait. You slept with two of Nick’s girlfriends last night?” she asked.

“Kind of ... except Kiki was adamant that she’s nobody’s girlfriend, which I totally respect. And Casey’s not sleeping with Nick, but they both think she probably will eventually and she’s already telling her parents that they are.” Artemis stripped off her sports bra and rose again to open a locker to throw her clothes into. Sun-hwa didn’t have many breasts to compare Artemis’s to, but suspected they were pretty amazing. They were perfectly proportioned to her lean, athletic form and rested high on her torso with nipples the color of freshly-poured coffee. If Artemis noticed Sun-hwa checking her out, she gave no sign, but focused on untangling her hastily-assembled braid.

“Do you ... are you worried that Nick’s going to expect to sleep with you now?” Sun-hwa asked, then winced, wondering how that question had been elected to come out of her mouth from the hundreds swirling around in her head.

For the first time, Artemis paused. “Well...” She worked with her hair for another minute before continuing. “Nobody should ever expect to sleep with you unless you’ve told them you’re going to, but no. I’m not worried about that possibility.”

“Oh.” Sun-hwa lowered her head, unsure of what conversational minefield she’d just strolled into. Hoping it was a path out, she added. “So ... like I did with Paul this morning?”

Artemis perked up. “Right! You have to tell me all about that. I’ve been rooting for you two to get together, but I was starting to wonder if you weren’t going to keep sabotaging yourselves for the next four years.”

Sun-hwa laughed. “So was I, but...”

Artemis reached for the hem of her pants. “Actually, let’s get in the shower, then you can tell me. I don’t want Saint Paul hunting me down for holding you hostage when you have other plans.”

Sun-hwa blushed and found it easier to get undressed in a room full of naked women than speak right at the moment. She stripped off quickly, having only thrown on a t-shirt and shorts with nothing underneath them. The idea of being naked on display was terrifying and she couldn’t prevent the wave of shame she’d been raised to feel, only push it down and try to reassure herself that no one was likely to give her a second look as long as she was with Artemis. Sun-hwa didn’t consider herself much of a judge of such things, but felt confident in saying that her housemate was a stunningly attractive woman - perfect height, perfect proportions, the perfect amount of long, lean muscle. She’d acquired a fresh appreciation of muscles this weekend and couldn’t help but wonder how being held in Artemis’s arms would compare to being wrapped in Paul’s powerful arms against the wall of his chest.

Flushing a little, she deliberately looked away from Artemis’s back and, by necessity, around the room. Somehow, when they’d first walked in, she’d had the impression this space was huge and filled with dozens of women, but there weren’t much more than a dozen women here and only maybe eight shower stalls. But each stall was wider and deeper than a normal shower with heads on all three walls. When they reached an empty stall, Artemis gestured her in first and followed quickly enough that Sun-hwa had no time to second guess whether she would.