Chapter 51

After an hour of having Dale explain some fairly basic concepts of DevOps to him, Max was glad to be able to switch gears and go upstairs to meet April Snow-Stone. He was pretty sure Dale was glad too. Max’s first (but no longer only) employee was unfailingly polite and professional with him, but Max could sense it was the same unfailingly polite professionalism Dale would show a small, slightly learning-disabled child who for some bizarre reason was in charge of signing his paychecks.

When he got upstairs, he spotted April sitting in the theater corner talking to Shelby. As soon as she saw Max, Shelby rose to intercept him as he approached. “Max, I’m so glad you decided to work with April. I remember how impressed you were when I was telling Pilar about her.”

“Uh, yeah.” Max had heard about April from Jazz and never heard Shelby mention her to Pilar or anyone else, but he wasn’t dense or cruel enough to miss the point. “She sounded very impressive.”

Shelby winked and headed off towards the residential side of the Loft. Bemused, Max watched her go for just a moment before April was up on her feet. “I love the space you have here. We can do so much with it.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” said Max.

“And now I know what a seneschal looks like.” April shook his hand. “I imagined you’d be shaggier and wearing a full cloak made of mammoth furs or something.”

Max looked over the pixieish young woman. She was wearing a red wrap dress and had a platinum blonde Bettie Page haircut. He considered making an Emma Frost joke, but decided it might be exactly the kind of thing Ainsley had warned them about. Instead, he said. “This is what seneschals wear in the summer. Mammoth fur is very warm.”

April laughed. “Understood. Why don’t you show me all the space we have to work with while you tell me about the party?”

Max did, taking her first up to the roof then down to the third floor while he talked and Luba filled in details he didn’t have immediately at hand. Last-minute construction had finally finished on the the previously-empty space and he thought it looked like part of a hotel. That was a half step up from upstairs in Max’s estimation. The fourth floor still looked like nothing so much as a very upscale dormitory.

He could tell the moment he lost April because she got the same cautiously helpful look in her eyes that Dale had gotten the second time Max asked what a DNS server was. It was when he tried to differentiate between long-running board games like Settlers of Catan and faster games like Seven Wonders. After that, he ratcheted back the nerd speak.

He finished the tour by the glassed-in gym. Inside, Arwen and Cat were running on side-by-side treadmills and engaged in a conversation. Whatever they were discussing, Chesa seemed rapt as she stood and watched them. Max said. “We’ll probably want to close off the gym for this, but use the dance studio for recruiting. And the apartments will be off limits unless the residents decide to ... uh, take the party private I guess.”

April looked at one of the apartment doors. “I guess if people live right here, we’re going to have to keep the noise down.”

“Uh, nobody actually lives in these yet. Nick’s cousins will be arriving tonight and staying in a couple of them and Kiki’s going to move into one when she gets back from Tokyo. We live up on four, but it’s pretty safe to assume that anybody in any apartment here will be at the party, not complaining about the noise.”

“Okay, great.” April blew out a slow breath through closed lips and looked down at her iPad. “You said you already had some celebrities lined up?”

“Hall Dunford and the crew from...” Max paused. “ ... some people he’s worked with on his Internet show, voice actors mostly. I’m waiting for a callback from Connie Carlyle. And I’ve got ... someone from Game of Thrones.”

“Ooh. Is it Emilia Clarke? She’s so hot right now.” said April.

“Uh, no. It’s Kristian Nairn.” said Max. When he got the blank look he expected, he added. “Kristian plays Hodor.”

“Oh.” April took in the space in a slow circle, running her hand through her hair. Eventually, she stopped. “Is that the stairway door?”

“I believe so.” said Max.

Even as he spoke, April was already walking towards the door. “I’m just going to ... run up to the roof. There’s something I ... want to check.” She hit the door at a fast trot and kept going.

Watching the door shut slowly, all Max could manage was a little laugh. “Shit.” He turned to his assistant. “It’s one thing to imagine how a girl’s going to react to your idea of a great party. It’s a whole other thing to see it in person.”

Luba laughed. “Relax, Max. She’s here to impress you, not the other way around.”

“Right.” Max said. It was the second time in two days Luba had given him that advice. The first time had been about herself. Despite having dodged the question earlier, he had to admit Paige was right. Faced with five equally competent candidates for the job of assistant to the seneschal, he’d picked the hottest one. He’d done it without thinking about what it would mean. Over time, he’d gotten used to the idea of being around beautiful women pretty much all the time. He’d even gotten used to the idea that Emily and Kiki and even Shelby were his friends. And having slept with Casey, he’d actually come to accept that a woman that good-looking might find him attractive for a short period of time under very specific circumstances.

None of that had prepared him for having a hot assistant. Paige had also been right in her description of Luba. His PA looked like someone had rule thirty-foured a Disney princess. Luba had big neotenous brown eyes, long hair the color of straw, thick full lips, and a body like someone had compressed Emily King down to five foot three while exaggerating every one of her curves. Max had immediately insisted she stop calling him “Mr. Whitford,” but the damage was done. Besides everything else, Luba had a faint Russian accent that he loved. Taken all together, every time she asked what she could do for him, Max had so many inappropriate thoughts they literally interfered with his ability to speak without stuttering.

Being reminded she was relying on his good graces had helped Max relax while at the same time making things much worse. He really didn’t want to be one of those creepy bosses who pervs all over his secretary, but man did he want to perv all over his secretary.

Still, he had business to attend to and a party to plan. He looked back at his assistant. “Maybe it is her job to impress me, but if she just made a run for it, I’ve got to start from scratch.”

Luba shook her head. “She was headed up to the roof, not down to the street. She’s probably just up there freaking out over the possibility of blowing this chance. She is pretty out of her element on the nerd stuff, I think.” She glanced at her iPad. “Why don’t I give her five more minutes to calm down a little and then go up and get her?”

“All right.” Max said just as his phone chirped with a text message from Nick asking him to join a videoconference. He turned to Luba. “Actually, why don’t you take your time with her. You know the party plan as well as I do at this point and, honestly, maybe two women talking about it without me inserting terrible ideas every few minutes will come up with something good.”

“Will do.” Luba smiled broadly, her damn-try-not-to-think-about-them lips covering about half her face.

As she turned to go, Max said. “Luba, tell me the truth. Do you think this party has any chance at all of working?”

“Well, you’re probably going to have a rocking party on the roof and an awesome flash convention on this floor. The creamy middle where people who enjoy each of those things have a good time together is the tricky part.” Luba smiled again. “But that’s why we brought in a specialist.”

Considering that the specialist they’d brought in was up on the roof freaking out over the impossibility of the task in front of her, that was hardly reassuring. Rather than saying that, Max sent Luba to deal with April and went up to his apartment to dial into Nick’s conference call.

Nick was waiting on the other end in a place Max thought of as his flying office. Max said, “Hey. I know that room.”

“Yeah. I’m getting pretty used to it myself.” acknowledged Nick. “How are things going in New York?”

Max gave an uneasy laugh. “If our measure of success is whether or not we’ve burned the Loft down, we’re batting a thousand.”

“I always count lack of arson a win.” said Nick. “How’s the party planning going?”

Max shook his head. “Well, my party planner is up on the roof with my ridiculously hot assistant having a panic attack over trying to figure out what geeks and movie stars would both enjoy doing.”

Nick raised an eyebrow. “Jazz is freaking out?”

Max shook his head. “Jazz took a pass on helping. She recommended Connie for booking models and someone called April Snow-Stone for the actual party planning. April’s the one up on the roof with my ridiculously hot assistant having a panic attack.”

Bastard that he was, Nick ignored the topic Max clearly wanted to talk about. “You’ll have to let me know how April works out as a party planner. She did an amazing job dressing Shelby for a party-slash-bit-of-industrial-espionage.”

“Ah!” Max held up a finger. “There’s something geeks and movie stars would both enjoy doing - dressing up Shelby!”

“If you can get her into a gold Leia bikini, I want pictures.” said Nick. “In the meantime, did you say you were booking models for the party?”

“Yeah. Paige had a great idea for that actually. People love your video so much, we figured we’d give them a chance to relive it themselves. D&D obviously takes too long to set up and play, but we’re going to have an area set up with board and card games and a chance to ‘play Seven Wonders with a lingerie model’ or ‘play Zombie Dice with a lingerie model’ or...”

“I think I get the theme. Color me moderately horrified.” said Nick. “Are you going to be able to get any of the originals?”

“Well, Casey’s a pretty safe bet since she basically lives here with Cat now, but Kiki’s in Tokyo and, in case you forgot, the other two are on your plane with you right now.” Max reminded him.

“No. I’m not likely to forget that any time soon.” said Nick. “Pilar and Emily have gotten very ... uh, comfortable with flying.”

“Okay. That could mean about a million things and most of them are filthy.” said Max. “Please tell me it’s one of the filthy ones.”

“It’s...” Nick shook his head. “Pilar has referred to flying in a private plane as ‘camping at twenty thousand feet’ and apparently she and Emily think camping includes a lot of lounging around without pants or bras.”

Nick was blushing so hard, Max knew in an instant his friend wasn’t kidding. “Jesus Christ. When does the seneschal get his own private jet full of half-naked lingerie models?”

“Two half-naked models doesn’t come close to full for my new plane. I could fit dozens in here.” said Nick.

“Jesus.” Max shook his head. “If I weren’t here at the Loft surrounded by gorgeous women and my ridiculously hot new assistant, I’d probably be pretty jealous.”

“Hey, I heard a ticket for your party got out onto eBay and is up over four grand.” said Nick. “Any idea how that happened?”

“Well, Ainsley told me it could constitute fraud if I were to pretend someone stole a ticket and posted it on eBay before buying it back myself as a way to generate hype so that’s definitely not what happened.” said Max. “But, if I had done such a thing, I would have set a strict limit of a thousand dollars to buy it back and after that I would have no idea who was crazy enough to spend four grand to come to my probably disastrous party.”

“Are you really worried about the party?” Nick asked.

“I really am.” said Max. “My ridiculously hot assistant Luba who I may have mentioned before has pointed out that nerds and movie stars do not, as a habit, hang out together very much nor do they apparently enjoy the same activities when they hang out separately. On the other hand, I did get Hodor to agree to come, so I’ve got that going for me.”

“That ... does seem like a small failure of planning.” Nick admitted. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Max shook his head. “No. We’re still considering our options. April and Luba are up on the roof brainstorming.”

“Who’s Luba?” Nick asked.

“Luba is my ridiculously hot new assistant who you told me to hire.” said Max.

“How’s she working out? Is she competent?” Nick asked.

“She’s from SCSS. Of course she’s competent.” said Max. “And ridiculously hot.”

“She’s from SCSS.” Nick pointed out. “I’m pretty sure ‘SCSS’ stands for something in Latin that translates into ‘ridiculously hot and competent.’ If you want a less attractive one, I think we have to special order them.”

“Oh, that reminds me. Paige thinks SSCS grows their people in vats. Can you ask Tanvi about that for me?” Max asked.

“Ask your ridiculously hot assistant.” said Nick.

“I can’t. I’m pretending not to notice how ridiculously hot she is - at least to her face. Things are awkward enough without my admitting to being a disgusting lech who can’t keep his mind on business when she’s in the room.” said Max. “I really shouldn’t have hired the hottest one available. I clearly didn’t think this through.”

“Do you want to fire her?” Nick asked.

“No. There are many things I would like to do to Luba, but firing her isn’t anywhere on that list. I’ll just stick to my regimen of six cold showers a day until I get used to her.” said Max.

“Whatever works for you, man. I’m in the air for the next seven and a half hours and figured I’d catch up while our clocks are lined up.” said Nick. “What have you got on the agenda?”

Deciding turnabout was fair play, Max ignored Nick’s question entirely. “You know what might work for me in case we run out of cold water? My best friend could warn me not to try to sleep with my ridiculously hot new assistant whose per diem that friend is paying and out of whose pocket any sexual harassment settlement would also be paid.”

Nick gave an uneven laugh. “Max, if I’ve learned one thing in the last two months it’s that I’m a terrible moral compass for anyone - especially when it comes to sex. You are on your own there.”

“Oh, come on!” Max complained. “Even you can tell me it’s a bad idea to sleep with my secretary.”

“They’re not secretaries, Max. They’re field agents.” Nick reminded him, then quickly added. “We’re on our way to Kuala Lumpur today. Do you want me to pick anything up for you while we’re here?”

“I don’t know. What’s in Kuala Lumpur?” Max didn’t miss Nick’s abrupt change of subject, but decided it was best to let it go. He’d had his suspicions about Nick and Rosangela, but was hardly on thick ice himself on the subject.

“Jet fuel and candidates for the committee.” said Nick. “I’m interviewing five women who work for NGOs in or near Malaysia while they reprovision the plane.”

“All women? Is that a coincidence?” Max asked.

“No. Since any new committee members have to be accepted unanimously and I’m ready to veto any more men until we have some parity, there doesn’t seem to be much point in interviewing male candidates.” said Nick.

Max knew Nick had talked about that in the meeting where they’d brought Emily on, but hadn’t expected the idea to stick. He should have known that Nick would put his money where his mouth was. Instead of letting it go, he decided to tease Nick a little. “So, just men and women? That’s very binary of you, Nick.”

“As soon as someone finds me a qualified candidate with a different gender than one of those, I’ll be happy to interview them.” said Nick. “I do want different perspectives, but we also desperately need some expertise.”

“So, how was the funeral?” Max asked, sensing the conversation had turned a little more serious.

“There was a multimillion-dollar proxy fight during the eulogies. The oldest son accused the widow of murder and the mistress of being a paid actress. After that, we went out for ribs and a grizzled old miner teamed up with a sexy young oil executive to ask me for fifty million dollars.” said Nick. “I’ve only been to two other funerals, but I don’t think this one was typical.”

“You do have all the fun, don’t you?” said Max.

“Not all of it, but a grotesquely unfair share.” quipped Nick. “Have the twins arrived?”

“Not yet. Their flight was delayed on the way out of Bozeman. We’re all going to the Meat Palace once they get here.” said Max.

“Good thinking. I know how people love to fly from Montana to New York for steak.” said Nick.

“Brazilian barbecue.” Max reminded him. “I’ll ask Raoul to make his salmon and cream cheese maki tomorrow. I bet they never had that in Bozeman.”

“They’re from Green Mountainside where there are some really excellent cooks, but you might be right.” Nick acknowledged. “Do you have any new business for me?”

Someone knocked on Max’s apartment door. He said, “One second,” then called out, “It’s open.”

Luba opened the door and looked inside. “April believes she has a solution and she would like to pitch it to you.”

“All right. I’m going to be in this call with Nick for a few more minutes. Could you set her up in the game room?” Max asked, then added. “Oh, but come meet Nick first.”

Luba came over to stand next to Max and leaned in to look at the laptop screen. “Hello, Nick. It’s nice to meet you. I’m looking forward to working with you.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Luba.” said Nick. “I’m sure after working with Max for a couple of days, you’re looking forward to working with anyone else.”

“I love working with Max. He keeps me on my feet.” said Luba.

Max thanked her and sent her to handle April. After she’d left, he said, “See?”

“She’s very pretty.” said Nick. “Do you think she realizes her blouse does that when she leans forward?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been working very hard not to stare at my assistant’s cleavage.” said Max. “And she’s a lot more than very pretty.”

“My capacity for appreciating female beauty may be overloaded.” acknowledged Nick. “Plane full of half-naked lingerie models and all that.”

“When you get me my plane, I’d prefer it half full of naked lingerie models if possible.” said Max.

“Noted.” said Nick. “New business?”

“Three controversial new hires.” said Max.

“Three? Do you have any noncontroversial new hires or are you just marking them all as controversial so you don’t have to make any decisions?” Nick asked.

“We sent out eleven offer letters in the last two days and got back two signed agreements already.” said Max. “These are ... controversial.”

“Okay. Fine. Hit me.” said Nick.

“Controversial candidate number one. After being found loitering in the now-decommissioned basement gym, Jake requested an internship.” said Max.

“Should we play twenty questions or are you just going to explain what you mean?” Nick asked.

“Raoul’s daughter Jacintha who prefers to go by ‘Jake’ was found loitering in the basement by security. It turns out the household staff were using a space on the third floor as an unofficial employee lounge and Raoul has been using it as unofficial day care for his sixteen year-old daughter while school is out. Said daughter Jake says she’s ‘bored silly’ and would like to work for the Fund in any capacity, remunerated or non-.” said Max.

“How does Raoul feel about this?” Nick asked.

“Raoul says, ‘Anything to keep her out of trouble.’” said Max.

“A ringing endorsement.” said Nick. “Speaking of keeping out of trouble, have you spanker-monkeys had your anti-sexual harassment training yet?”

“Yes. And we all met Cricket. Thank you for that little surprise.” said Max. “Fortunately, only Arwen tried to have sex with her and seventy-five percent is a passing grade.”

“I missed an indeterminate number of steps there.” said Nick. “Was Ainsley’s sister involved in your sexual harassment training?”

“Seriously?” Max asked. “You don’t know what your lawyer did to us?”

“How come she’s ‘our lawyer’ when she’s good, but ‘my lawyer’ when she’s done something wrong?” Nick asked. “And what did she do?”

Max told Nick the whole story. By the end, Nick was laughing so hard, a tear rolled down his cheek. “Oh, God. I think I broke Ainsley.”

“So, now that we’re all terrified to talk to girls and/or women, is it okay to bring Jake on as an intern?” Max asked.

“Check with Ainsley as to the legality. Pay her if it’s legal to. No unpaid interns at ACCD. Find something meaningful and interesting for her to do, no busy-work.” said Nick. “Also, ask Clay if he can come back and turn the basement into a real staff lounge and ask Zola if she can figure out a plan to let the staff use some of the unused residential space for as long as it’s unused please. Next controversial candidate?”

“Alexis Bellinger would like to know if there’s any way she can work for us and go to Cornell at the same time.” said Max.

“Alexis from Brownfield Mills Alexis?” Nick asked.

“So, you’ve heard of her?” said Max.

Nick sat back, looking thoughtful. “I’m going to have to pense on that one. Then, I should probably talk to her about it myself to see where her head’s at. Could you ... feel Arwen out about that? We don’t need the trouble if she hates the idea.”

“Will do.” Max took a deep breath. “The final controversial candidate is me. I’d like to request a new specialization.”

“I thought you were already swamped trying to stay on top of IT. And you’re seneschal on top of it. Now you want another job?” Nick asked.

“I’m actually swamped trying to stay on the bottom of IT. Everything I learn points out twenty things I don’t know and should. I’m not an IT guy. I’m a gamer who hacked together enough python code to write a couple of games. I’m also coming to realize that I don’t want to be an IT guy.” Max paused to see if Nick would interrupt him. When he didn’t, Max added. “I want to focus on media.”

“Do we do media?” Nick asked.

“Well, we did the D&D video that supplies your private plane with lingerie models and we’re doing the D&D supplement as a way to explore social ills.” said Max. “There are a million other projects I think we could use to educate people and guide public opinion. Media could be your lever of Archimedes.”

“Who would handle IT?” Nick asked.

“Dale. He has a much better handle on it than I do and having me supervise him is like asking the lab animals to fill out performance reviews for the scientists.” said Max. “For oversight, we should periodically have an auditor come in and look over what he’s done.”

Nick nodded. “All right. Assuming Dale wants your job, you are absolved of responsibility for IT. Find an orderly way to hand your responsibilities over. As for media being a top-level department, sell us on it. I’ve been telling everyone the D&D stuff is strictly for shits, giggles, and practice working as a team. If we’re going to be serious about it now, you’re going to have to convince the committee you’re smarter about this than I am.”

“All right. Can I have a couple of weeks to pull together a presentation for the committee?” Max asked.

“Take as long as you need, but until you have a new specialization, I’m referring to you as our Slacker-in-Chief.” said Nick.

“Fair enough. Can I have new business cards?” Max asked.

“Only if you show the initiative to get them made yourself...” said Nick. “ ... at which point you lose the right to call yourself slacker-in-chief and have to give the cards back anyway.”

“Never mind. It sounds like too much work.” Max yawned dramatically. “Is there anything else? My party planner is waiting with quicksilver in her hands and I don’t want her to lose her grip.”

“Godspeed, slacker.” Nick cut the connection.

When Max emerged into the main room, April was sitting cross-legged on one of the couches in the theater corner having an animated conversation with Luba. She waved Max over like he might have forgotten to meet with her otherwise.

As soon as he sat, she said. “Okay, so I was brainstorming how to ignite your creamy middle and getting stuck on the idea of creme brulee when I realized there were some obvious crossover celebrities - people who appeal to both the mainstream and nerds. So, I started listing them in my head and the first three I came up with were Jim Parsons, Neil Patrick Harris, and Zachary Quinto. Now, besides being crossover stars, what do those three people have in common?”

“They’re all gay.” said Max.

“No.” said April. She frowned. “Well, yes. But that’s not the point. They’re all on Broadway.”

“Okay. So, they’re in New York. You can get them to come?” Max asked.

April shook her head. “None of them are available. I checked. But who winds up working on Broadway? Theater nerds. If you want to mix sexy and nerd, you get the sexiest possible nerds and that’s theater nerds and the best theater nerds make it to Broadway. Instead of bringing in movie stars, we bring in Broadway stars and they become the creamy middle between nerds and sexy.” She considered Max. “What do you think?”

“I think I’m starting to regret using the term ‘creamy middle.’” admitted Max. “But your solution definitely sounds like a solution which is way more than I had before you walked in. What do you need from me?”

“Thirty-two golden tickets?” April bit her lip hopefully.

Max didn’t know a damned thing about Broadway except what he’d learned after Nick had told him about the plan to attend Hamilton. But April’s plan was the best (and only) idea he’d heard for making the party work yet. He turned to Luba. “Make it so.”

Even after Simon undid the cuffs, Shelby lay on her stomach, stretched out naked on his bed. She would have to move soon, but for the moment, she was filled with a sense of sweet contentment. It was a feeling she’d just started to get after sex with Corey in the last two weeks of their relationship before he left for college and which she’d felt with Titus briefly before they’d stumbled onto her more sadomasochistic tendencies. She hadn’t felt it at all with Beck and she hadn’t expected to feel it with Simon. Ruefully, she wondered if she could only be content with a lover when she knew his days were numbered.

At her side, Simon sighed. “I should really get back to work. You’re coming to dinner with the Barbie twins tonight?”

“Planning to. I should get in the shower and start figuring out what I’m going to wear.” said Shelby.

“We can try again tomorrow.” said Simon.

Shelby laughed. “I’m not complaining. I was actually just lying here thinking how good the sex was.”

“Thanks. But good sex wasn’t really the point of this exercise, was it?” Simon reminded her. “I believe we’re here in the middle of the afternoon when everybody else is working because it’s easier than trying to obscure the sound of leather striking bare flesh at night.”

Shelby shrugged. “Sometimes the mood’s not right, I guess. I’ll just push more of your buttons next time or something.”

Simon leaned down and kissed her. “Not your problem, Shel. This was all on me.”

“Well, obviously. I’ve never had a problem infuriating a man enough to make him want to stripe my ass.” Shelby said. “Did something happen in Milan?”

“Lots of things happened in Milan, but I haven’t even really been thinking about them at all today.” Simon said.

“So, it’s not that you wish you were flogging Angelique instead of me?” Shelby teased. “I don’t mind. I could try a little French accent if it helps.”

Simon slapped her playfully on the ass. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. We don’t really have time to start from the beginning again - not if you want to be dressed and immaculate in time for dinner.”

Shelby stretched out her spine. “No. We don’t have time. I was just thinking maybe if I irritated you enough today, you could bottle it up, seethe a little, and take it out on my ass tomorrow.”

Simon swatted her again, hard enough to sting and, in spite of his protestations, resonate in her clit. “My rage supply really doesn’t need refilling. It hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just a bit offline today.”

“Because of the thing that happened in Milan that you’re not at all thinking about?” Shelby suggested.

“Uh, no actually.” Simon smirked. “Because of the uncharacteristic and risky thing I did last night with Lev, Arwen, and Cat Easton.”

That certainly piqued Shelby’s interest, but she wasn’t quite ready to stop poking the bear yet. “Oh. I get it now. You want me to pretend to be Arwen while you beat my ass. That I totally get. I wouldn’t mind getting a few swings of the strap in on her myself.”

Simon’s hand flew up like he really might spank her hard and Shelby braced for it. But he stopped at the top of his swing and shook his head. “You really are very good at that. It’s kind of a shame you’re just pouring water in the ocean with me. You have a real gift for irritation, Shel. But I really should get back to work.”