Chapter 2

PaladingoesAteMyBaby: It’s sad that not one of the girls recognized Hall Dunford from anything - not his YouTube channel or his stint as Ensign Nigel White on Starship: Gaia. If he becomes the next Doctor like I’ve heard, everyone in England will know who he is and he’ll be the world’s most famous nerd. But people in America who can name every one of the Real Housewives of Bumfuck, Michigan have no idea who he is.

TrollhouseCookies: “World’s Most Famous Nerd” is like “sexiest heifer at the county fair.” Nobody cares.

Hall Dunford loved his life. He’d just gotten back from an amazing, three-week honeymoon on Jayanesia, newly-married to a woman he wouldn’t have believed could exist if he hadn’t met her himself. His oddly-shaped career as an Internet personality, convention speaker, and occasional television guest star didn’t pay as well as being a working actor on a weekly TV series had, but it was better than having to find a real job.

Now, he was about to run a game of Dungeons and Dragons for four lingerie models and a billionaire. Without his wife Cat’s guidance, he might have rejected the opportunity out of hand. Fortunately, she’d been in the room when his agent Skyler called.

“How’s Butterfly Bay?” Skyler asked.

“It’s gorgeous. We’ll bring you home a postcard.” Hall avoided lying when he could. Butterfly Bay was indeed lovely. He and Cat had swung by to see it and pick up souvenirs for her assorted nieces and nephews as well as postcards to hand out when they got back to LA. But, they were currently staying at the more exclusive, adults-only resort, Mariposa - a destination Hall’s fans might consider to clash with his public persona of a “right decent bloke.”

“Good. I got an unusual request this morning, asking for you by name,” said Skyler. “Hear me out before you say anything. Do you know the website Outside Joke?”

“Maybe.” Hall sat on the couch and pulled his laptop onto his knees. It was precisely nine AM local time, meaning Skyler had been waiting to call him. The front page of the website showed thumbnailed links to parodies of current music videos and something involving kittens. “Yeah. All right. I’ve seen some of their stuff.”

“They want to shoot a longer piece with you. The working title is Four Lingerie Models Play Dungeons and Dragons with a Billionaire.”

“I take it they want me to play the billionaire,” said Hall dryly. “I look terrible in a thong.”

Cat, lying languidly in bed, raised her head and smirked. Hall was momentarily distracted by the way his wife’s left breast sloped downward when she raised herself up on one elbow. Even though he’d seen an extraordinary amount of her naked form over the past week, he was still constantly finding new ways to admire it.

“ ... not scripted. It’s...”

“Sorry, Skyler. You broke up there for a moment.” He hadn’t, but Hall had forgotten to listen.

“I said they actually want you to be the dungeon master. It’s not a scripted piece. They want to bring in four models who’ve never played the game before, teach them enough to play for a while, then reveal that the guy they’ve been playing with is a billionaire.The whole thing is to raise money for charity, but they’re paying at the high end of your day rate.”

“So, wait. This will be an actual billionaire? Someone they won’t recognize right away?” Hall wasn’t sure he understood.

“It’s a guy named Nick Coyle. Apparently, he just inherited his fortune when he turned eighteen. I don’t know much about him, but Outside Joke vouches for him and everybody I’ve talked to says they’re a good company. Felicia’s working on a deal with them.”

Hall’s instincts told him to say no, that it sounded like it would ruin his reputation. But, Cat chose that moment to arch her back and stretch, the sheet falling away from her back and bottom as she did. Expressing his doubts about the project would take too long. He said, “E-mail me the details. I’ll look at them. When and where would I audition?”

“No audition. They like your work on the Dungeon Master Power Hour. They just want a yes or no.”

When Hall hung up, Cat looked back at him over her shoulder. “What was that about?”

Hall put aside his laptop and climbed back onto the bed, kissing his wife just above the tailbone. He was starting to understand the crude jokes Americans made about honeymooners not leaving their hotel rooms for days or weeks at a time. They weren’t entirely true. A body still needed food and, with Hall’s English complexion, a very tiny amount of sunshine. More immediately, a man simply couldn’t make love all day without stopping - not that Cat and Hall hadn’t done their best to disprove that theory. Hall had an intense passion for his wife that a good, English upbringing had taught him was deeply unseemly, but which also made him not care much about the propriety of such things.

Hall told her, one hand stroking her backside, then gliding up her inner thigh. She opened herself to him, her breath quickening. “When do you start shooting?”

“I haven’t seen the details yet, but I was planning to say no.” Hall’s fingertips played over her sex, eliciting a shiver. “I don’t think playing dungeon master to a bunch of girls in their underwear would do much for my career.”

Cat arched and pressed against his fingers. “Would they be in lingerie or would they just be models who’d posed at some point in lingerie?”

“I ... didn’t actually ask,” admitted Hall.

“You could see what they’re looking to do. If it’s not completely crass, maybe you could even help guide it in a direction more to your liking.” She rolled on her back and gestured Hall closer with a crooked finger.

The conversation ended then, but Hall read the treatment Skyler sent him and liked it at least enough to want to ask Nick some questions directly. Nick turned out to be a personable young man and a big fan of Hall’s Internet work, referring to the Dungeon Master Power Hour as “pretty epic.” Even though he clearly had a lot going on, he was willing to call Hall at nine PM New York time (ten AM in Jayanesia) three days in a row and not only answer as many questions as Hall could think to ask, but entertain any changes Hall wanted to make. By the third day, they were mostly talking about the structure and plot of the adventure Hall would write and nerding out over what made a good game of D&D.

And now, less than two weeks later, Hall was in New York with his adventure notes in an old, green book bag over his shoulder. As soon as he stepped into the office, an attractive young woman with blonde hair, a bluetooth headset, and a clipboard shook his hand. “Hall Dunford. Nice to meet you. I’m Paige, the AD on this project. Nick just called to say he’s stuck in traffic coming uptown, but should be here soon. In the meantime, I can show you to your dressing room. Is there anything you need?”

In the style of many assistant directors Hall had worked with, she seemed to say it all without taking a breath. Hall smiled and was about to give his standard response of not needing anything, but Cat had been teaching him to be more assertive pretty much since they’d first met. He still had a very hard time asking for things that weren’t offered to him and he was dreadful at schmoozing. But, he’d gotten pretty good at noticing when people might actually be looking forward to helping him in some way and letting them. “If there’s a way to get some coffee white with sugar, that would be marvelous. I’m not certain what time my internal clock thinks it is, but it’s not New York’s.” Then, afraid he’d sounded like he was trying to cast himself as more of a world traveler than he was, he added, “I just got back from my honeymoon.”

“Right.” Paige held a door open for him. It led into an office with glass walls that had been neatly taped with brown paper. “You married Cat Easton. I love her work on the Bureau of Unlikely Happenstance covers. Congratulations.”

“Thank you. She’ll be glad to hear you’re a fan,” said Hall. As he’d walked across the office with Paige, he’d been struck by the idea that he’d seen her before and he finally realized where. She’d acted in several of the Outside Joke videos. “You were Taylor Swift. Weren’t you? And Daenerys Targaryen?”

Paige beamed. “I was also ‘Your Boyfriend’s Hot Ex’ and ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend #3.’”

“I’ve enjoyed your work - except for ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriend #3,’ which was simply terrifying.” Hall offered.

Paige blushed. “Sorry. I’m trying not to fangirl. I’m a huge fan of yours, too.” Before Hall could say more, she turned to go. “I’ll get your coffee.”

Hall chuckled as he watched her go. Marrying Cat had many, many benefits, but a wife who appreciated many of the same women as yourself in many of the same ways meant that he wasn’t a cad for checking out other women. He was doing field research.

He first met Cat when they both spoke on a panel about “non-binary gender and gender fluidity in speculative fiction.” Hall had been impressed enough by her grasp of the subject to admit that his own experience working with the androgynous Basari characters on Starship: Gaia hadn’t given him much expertise on the subject and that the way they were scripted - with one of the Basari choosing to take a female form to fit in better with the human crew - had indeed reinforced the narrative of heteronormativity.

He’d had to ask Cat to explain what “heteronormative” meant first, but won points with the crowd by agreeing with her both on the Basari and on her general point that science fiction writers who tried to predict the future generally assumed technology would move faster than it did, but that sexuality would hardly change at all.

The second time he’d met Cat, they’d been “introduced” by Casey, the cosplay model he’d been seeing for about a year whenever they were at a convention together. Hall had been hinting that he wanted to see Casey more seriously and working up the nerve to ask her to come out to LA. Casey had been enjoying their ambiguous relationship status in part by sleeping with Cat.

It could have been a disaster with Hall losing out because he was too polite or too reserved to advocate for what he wanted. Cat was a force of nature. She knew what she wanted, wasn’t afraid to ask for it, and was sexy as hell. If she’d come to that hotel bar planning to keep Casey for herself, Hall had no doubt he would have gone back to his room alone.

Instead, Cat had been relaxed and funny and charming. She would later tell Hall she’d gone in hoping the three of them would all wind up in bed together. But, she skillfully managed to dodge the elephant in the room long enough for Hall and Casey to each get through a drink or three before bringing it up. By that point, it had sounded like a smashing idea to all involved.

Hall had spent the next day thinking he’d he’d had one of those incredible, once-in-a-lifetime experiences that so many men fantasized about, but few actually got to experience. When Cat and Casey showed up together at his door the next night and kept coming back at the next convention, Hall thought he was in the running for “luckiest bastard ever born.”

At the end of the second convention, Cat pointed out that she and Hall both lived in LA and suggested they should get together some time. “Some time” quickly evolved into “pretty much all the time” and Hall fell madly in love.

Right from the start, Hall and Cat had strategized on how to get Casey to LA. Rather than trying to get her to commit to a big move all at once, Cat wanted to invite her to come stay at Hall’s house for the week before LA Comic-Con.

They never got to ask. Cat called Casey before the next con to ask if she wanted to stay in their suite rather than getting her own room. Hall thought and Cat confirmed that Casey had been in the room when they’d made plans to see each other in LA, but Casey was surprised and upset to hear they’d been seeing each other - upset enough to quit her job at the convention and break off all contact.

Cat had suggested they could fly down to Austin and face Casey on her home territory, but ultimately agreed with Hall’s reluctance to do so. Cat tried to call several times over the next few months, but Casey always let it go to voicemail.

Losing Casey drew Hall and Cat closer together. They spent long hours analyzing what they’d done, if they’d done anything wrong, and what they could have done differently. Those hours were interspersed with long, meandering conversations about sex and relationships and rules. It turned out that Cat’s expertise on heteronormativity had come from a lifelong war against it.

If Hall had gained nothing else from his association with Cat but the additions to his vocabulary and the way his mind grew to accommodate them, it would have been time well spent. Words like “polyamory,” “pansexual,” and an expanded understanding of “contract” opened up a world Hall had barely known existed.

Discovering that the woman he was sharing a bed with most nights was non-monogamous, sexually omnivorous, and fiendishly creative, Hall did the only logical thing. He proposed to her. Or, rather, he asked what sort of marriage she could see the two of them having. What she described sounded pretty good. What he didn’t like, they negotiated. Structurally, it was more traditional than not. She would be his wife and he would be her husband. Cat wanted them to find something like what they’d sought with Casey - a lover they would share and maybe bring into their lives full-time. Anything else would be negotiated and probably transitory.

What followed was very similar to what a billion other couples had done. Hall formally proposed on one knee and in public. They had engagement parties. Cat met Hall’s friends, most of whom were nerds. Hall met Cat’s friends, many of whom were perverts. They found more overlap than they expected and speculated on who Hall knew that was quietly living some alternate lifestyle and who among Cat’s collection of artists, free spirits, and college professors was hiding an obsession with Heinlein or World of Warcraft.