Chapter 20

Tuesday 12th and Wednesday 13th Jan 1971

I went back to the living room to find Colette and Connie sitting very still and saying nothing. They both seemed relaxed enough. Darkness had fallen so I went to the window and closed the curtains, switching on the electric fire’s coal effect. The red effect gave out no heat, but made the room feel warmer, in any case it was plenty warm enough from the central heating.

Colette suggested to Connie that she go and settle back in since she was staying, and Connie seemed relieved to have something to do and immediately made her way to her room, closing her door behind her.

“How d’you feel?” Colette asked me. “What d’you think?”

“I don’t know. This is all a bit sudden.”

“What about Connie?” The question was inevitable.

“What about her?”

“You took her back.” Her words were weighted.

“You make it seem as if we were an item, as if she had been unfaithful and I had forgiven her.”

“Well, nearly,” she said, and I thought she was gaining the upper hand. “She did what her sister did before, and you took her back. She would have been gone long since if we hadn’t had the day off. She’d have gone for good and you know it.”

“I don’t know that; who knows, after coming back here she may have had second thoughts. It seems you’re saying that I’m wrong to let her stay?”

“No, of course I’m not. We precipitated a confrontation which cleared up all the misunderstandings. Both of those girls now know how wrong they were to react against your supposed cheating by refusing to confront you. Penny has realised she threw away something good which she’ll never get back.

“After what happened when Connie was effectively thrown out by that mother of hers, she then believed her mother against you and all our kindness. A bad error of judgement and a worse reaction. She could have phoned you and told you what she’d found out. She didn’t. At least she hasn’t slept with anyone else.”

“So?” I urged, “What are you getting at?”

“Graham, my darling,” she said patiently, “You had a week together. I’m sure you were more than flatmates when the week was over. I don’t know whether you slept together, but you were definitely more than newly made friends sharing a flat. And, before you deny anything, we all saw what happened to you after Christmas – at the New Year’s party you were just as you were after Penny cut you off. So, I’m wondering what you’re going to do now. Think about it.”

There was a meaningful pause.

“You do remember we were going to London tomorrow?”

I had quite forgotten in all the kerfuffle. She had not quite finished.

“Graham, I’m not trying to pry, but what are your feelings for Connie? Don’t answer right away. Think. But I want an answer tonight before I go: I need to know if we’re still going to London together.”

She got up and went to Connie’s room, shutting the door behind her. I could hear their voices, but through the door I could not tell what they were saying.

Then Colette came back.

“Connie needs to collect her stuff from Penny’s. I’ll take her.”

I nodded and the two left, without Connie coming near me.

Well, what were my feelings for Connie?

I reprised what had happened since I first met her. I remembered how she looked, how beautiful she was even in her downtrodden rather dowdy state. I remembered her constant worry that she could not pay me for what I was doing.

There was her settling in, cooking, bringing me tea, running with me, coming to ringing, her contagious happiness when she was kitted out, and her delight in showing me everything, including her body! How overwhelmed she was on her reception by the family and the romantic moments on Christmas Eve. Oh, and our lovemaking; definitely our lovemaking.

Then Boxing Day, Geoff, and her departure. She was happy to be reconciled with the family and promised to come back in a few days, but she didn’t return; she cut me off.

It came to me that thanks to Penny my feelings of rejection and hurt were more acute than they otherwise would have been. So, if I pretended Penny had never met me, what had actually happened?

Connie had been deceived by her mother who hated me. Connie had been loyal to her sister, who she then believed had been mistreated by me. That loyalty made her angry with me, and I saw how deep that sisterly love was for her Penny, whom she had lost for so long.

Then there was her history. Men used her, deceived her. She distrusted men, and I seemed too good to be true, and she gave in to her feelings of relief that she had at last met a man she could trust. Then the bombshell back home that I was a philanderer and a liar, and was swilling around with a group of ‘tarts’ as her mother would have put it. No wonder she cut me off! She must have wondered how long it would be before I seduced her into some sort of sex slavery!

In fact her response wasn’t really so bad after all if I looked at it that way from her point of view, with her history. But then there was her reaction when she found out she had been deceived by her own mother! She was so fierce because she’d been hoodwinked into rejecting me by her own mother’s lies, and those lies had deprived her of our relationship. That was a more a quality than a deficiency; it seemed from her reaction that she really loved me a great deal.

I took a deep breath. Where did that leave me? It did not seem quite so serious, now it was over. Would she cut me off again? That was always going to be an unknown, but I thought it highly unlikely. If we were to grow closer, that must be one of the ground rules, one of the most basic ground rules: talk before action. Every time. Talk as soon as there’s a problem: no secrets.

Did I want her to stay? Of course. As more than a lodger? Oh yes indeed! Could I risk committing myself to her? Hmm.

The girls returned and again were closeted in Connie’s room. Then Colette went and made tea, bringing me a mugful.

“Connie unpacking?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yes, but she’s not coming out just yet. So, do you love her?”

The question was arresting. I’d not allowed the ‘L’ word into my deliberations.

“Don’t know,” I said, “I am very attracted to her as a woman, she’s very good looking–”

“You can say that again!” exclaimed Colette.

“I’m very attracted to her as a woman, she’s very good looking,” I repeated doggedly, and got a half-smile for it. “She’s also thoughtful, she looks after me, she enjoys what I enjoy–”

“So you have had sex then!” she said mischievously. Then, “It’s all right, she told me you had.”

“You’ve been talking about me to her.”

“With her,” she corrected. “Anyway, how do you feel towards her?”

“I feel happy when she’s around, I feel warm and protective towards her, I desire her, I enjoy her hugs and kisses, I really enjoy making love with her. Does that satisfy you?”

“Yes,” she said gaily, “and you certainly satisfy her from what she told me! Yes Graham, you love her, and you’re in love with her already, but you’re cagey about committing yourself out loud so soon, taking that risk, especially after the last couple of weeks. She’s really undermined everything by staying away. It’s a trust issue. True?”

“Her mother has undermined everything,” I corrected her. “That about sums it up: been burned before? Be more careful near the fire!”

“She adores you, she is out of her mind in love with you, and everything you do reinforces it. You really got to her when you told her she still lived here, she’s still half crying and half laughing, she’s so happy about that. It must be wonderful to be able to make someone as happy as that. Her life has been turned round and you’re the one who’s done it.”

I smiled, and felt warmly content. Who wouldn’t?

“We’ve done it,” I corrected her. She shrugged.

“However,” she added seriously. “She’s also out of her mind with worry that there’ll be an atmosphere and you’ll be stand-offish and surly with her, and she doesn’t think she could cope with that. She’s really insecure you know; not surprising with her history. So I’ve thought of something.”

My spirits dropped. Colette had that look – you know, the one that says she thinks she has a wonderful plan which will cost me a great deal. She saw my face, and laughed. That made it worse. She hugged me and kissed my lips gently. Now I was really worried.

“I don’t like this,” I hissed. “It’s going to hurt, isn’t it?”

“You’re so wrong!” she crowed. “So wrong! Take her to London with you tomorrow, use my ticket for the train. I’ll pay for her, it’s my extra Christmas present for her.”

“But it’s your holiday,” I protested. “You can’t–”

“I can, easily,” she said with assurance. “One phone call, and I’ll be off to Sheffield to see a good friend – with an enormous prick,” she whispered with a salacious grin. “Gives a whole new meaning to doing stretches before taking exercise! He’s very nice too, knows how to treat a girl – as you do!”

She giggled, and arched an eyebrow in an invitation to agree to her plan. I sighed, and nodded.

“Thanks Colette, in any case, I think she needs to go to London in different circumstances than last time – lance the boil as it were.”

She got her coat, then picked up her bag from Connie’s room, said a few words to her, and then preceded me to the flat door.

“She doesn’t know anything,” she said quietly. “She’s sitting on her bed wondering what to do. She’s scared, Graham. It’s up to you now.”