Chapter 7

Saturday

I woke up late and with a kink in my neck. It wasn’t the chair but the angle I’d slept at. I checked my phone to see that it was already after ten and I’d missed a couple of text messages. I had notifications off.

“I can’t sleep,” was received after two in the morning.

“I hope you can’t sleep, either,” and finally, “Looking forward to lunch” at just after three in the morning.

Yowza.

I took a long shower, first hot to get clean and then cold to cool down. I shaved close and gargled more than the recommended daily allowance. I pulled on a pair of gray slacks and picked out a shirt that was a little tight on me but would let Janice know that I had a body too. She had been early for our conference. Would it be alright for me to be early for lunch? Probably, but not thirty minutes early. I paced. I never pace. I paced.

I opened Facebook on my phone, went to her profile, then gallery, and downloaded three of her snorkeling pictures and a couple of nice face shots. Her hips were a little small to give her a true hourglass figure but she filled her bikini nicely. She looked fit and tight and well proportioned. As great as her body was her face was her most outstanding feature. She had an incredible smile. Fresh, I thought, and those eyes. I closed mine and remembered how our evening had finished. A simple hug. How could a simple hug be so good? Didn’t matter. It was. And the payment was pretty nice too.

I made the one-mile drive and arrived ten minutes early. She’d been up late, thinking about me, which was quite an ego boost. But because she’d been up late, I didn’t want to rush her. I waited another five minutes and knocked on her door five minutes early.

When she opened the door, neither of us said anything. We just looked at each other for a moment, trying to judge, I think, if the night before was what we remembered.

“I didn’t sleep,” she confessed. “I did, but not well.”

“I tried to watch a movie three times and couldn’t concentrate. I think last night surprised us both a little.”

“I think that might be an understatement.”

“I didn’t see your text messages until this morning. Made my day,” I said, smiling.

“Come in,” she invited as she stepped back. “I just need to close up and grab my coat.”

“Take your time. Do you need help with anything?”

“No. I’ve got it. Just be a moment,” she said over her shoulder.

Her house was bigger than mine but just as close to the beach and it looked like it had been professionally decorated in pastels with flower accents throughout. Definitely a woman’s home. It was neat as a pin and very airy – light and open. I liked it. I could hear her closing doors and a drawer and then she returned to the front. She opened the closet and pulled out a light sweater but before she pulled it on, I pulled her to me.

She came into my arms quickly and held me tightly. “This feels so good,” she said. I held her tight for a couple of moments and she looked up at me and said, “This is a really good hug. I usually charge for hugs this good.”

I smiled and leaned down to kiss her. This time, she opened up a little more and I could feel her tongue on my lips. I reciprocated. I let my hand slide down her back a little lower but not so far as her ass. I held her tightly and realized that if we kept this up long, I’d show her my level of excitement through my slacks. I traced her lips with my tongue and gently sucked her lower lip into my mouth. Her hands held my back and I felt her fingers spread wide, holding as much of me as she could. Her hands were right on my lats so I flexed a couple of times, very quickly and she laughed and pushed back.

“Wow. You feel good. A girl could get used to that.”

“I could get used to that.” I kissed her quickly and asked if she was ready for lunch.

We walked to my car and I helped her in. She was obviously deep in thought and I let her camp out there for a bit. I climbed in and she was looking out the window, away from me. The moods of women will never cease to amaze me.

“What’s on your mind,” I asked before I started the engine.

“I don’t think I want to be honest today.”

“No? Any particular reason?”

She looked at me and answered, “Because I’m afraid.”

“That sounds like you’re being honest. Is that being honest?”

“Yes. And I don’t want to be. I liked you when we talked at the pre-enrollment meeting, and again at the fundraiser. It was easy to work with you and talk with you. I felt like you listened to me, rather than just going through the motions. I felt important. Like what I thought mattered and that Marcia mattered to you.

“But now, I like you more than I thought I would and I’m afraid that I have my hopes up too much and too soon. I’m afraid that I don’t know how to think or act or decide things. I’m afraid I shouldn’t be sharing my feelings with you. I’m afraid and I don’t like it.”

“Ah. That’s pretty much why I turned down your Thanksgiving invitation. Fear. When I got past that, things started looking pretty good ... like you.”

“Marcia. She’s been in your class for four months. She likes you. She talks about you at home. She says you’re funny and you listen and that you always find good things to say, even when it’s a stretch to find good things. She doesn’t gush about her teachers. She likes some and she doesn’t like some but she never gushes about her teachers. She gushes about you. That’s a pretty big deal. It’s a big deal for her and because of that, it’s also a big deal for me. Yesterday, I saw what she was gushing about and I like that guy. But...”

“Go on.”

“But I don’t know. I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll do something stupid and regret it.”

“We’ve had a wonderful afternoon and evening together. You don’t have to make any decisions. Be my friend. Be my companion and we’ll get to know each other a little better and take it from there. How about that?”

“That’s a rational, thoughtful approach. I’m not sure I’m any good at that. That’s what scares me. I do, not you.”

“Alright, it seems like maybe you’re stuck between two sides of an issue. What’s the dilemma you’re wrestling with?”

“See, this is why I don’t want to be honest.” She paused and I let her think for a moment. She thought about it for a long moment. She looked at me, then thought about it for another long moment. “I’m afraid to share this with you but I’m going to anyway.” She paused again.

“You’re not obligated to share something you feel uncomfortable with. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and when I woke up, read your texts and realized you had too ... well, that made my day. Not just that you were thinking about me but that you would tell me you were. That’s a lot. So, if you don’t feel like sharing any more, I am not going to feel slighted. Really.” I had no idea what was on her mind. I just hoped it was something good.

She nodded and then dove in. “Yesterday, when you hugged me, I needed it. You knew I did and it was nice. So very nice. You’re solid and feel good. I felt ... safe. You made me feel safe. Then, later, when we hugged again you said it needed payment. I knew you were really interested but keeping it light and I liked it. I gave you a little scared y-cat kiss. You suggested it was worth more than that and it was so we had a real kiss. And it scared me. No, I scared me. Danny, I was hungry for that kiss. Honest. Here’s honest. Part of me wants to get out of the car and send you away because I don’t want to be disappointed.”

“I completely understand that. I don’t want you to but if you did, I’d totally understand it.” I paused to see if she would continue. “And the other part of you? What does the other part of you want?”

She looked me in the eye and said “Please don’t think less of me. I’m afraid to tell you what the other part of me wants.”

“I respect that and it’s okay if you don’t.” We sat there in silence for another moment while she wrestled with her thought.

“The other part of me wants get out of the car and drag you back into my house. The other part of me wants to go back inside and tear my clothes off and tear your clothes off so I could give myself to you totally and completely. How’s that for a dilemma?”

“Wow.” I was floored. “Damn. That’s quite a dilemma.” I had no idea what to think about that. I did but I didn’t want to. “Just so you know, I like the second choice much more than the first. I also feel seriously flattered. Seriously flattered,” I said with a smile.

“I can’t believe I said that. I’ve never said anything like that to anyone else ever. I feel like I just put all my emotions and insecurities on full display. I must sound like a slut, but I’m serious. I’m so torn. And I don’t want to do something stupid and it seems like either extreme or even anything in the middle could be stupid and I wouldn’t even know it. And I’m afraid. I’m afraid of doing something and I’m afraid of doing nothing and I don’t like it.” She rubbed her forehead with first one hand and then the other. “The safe thing says I should get out and send you away.”

“That would be the safe thing. Definitely.” I waited but she didn’t get out. “I can see why you said you didn’t want to be honest. But that was pretty damned honest. I certainly don’t think less of you. I actually think more of you for being so candid. A lot more. Honest and candid is nice. Just so you know, I’ve wrestled with a lot of the same feelings. I don’t want to be disappointed either. It hurts too much. I definitely don’t want to disappoint you but the truth is, I don’t know you well enough yet to begin to promise that I wouldn’t.”

She seemed relieved. “That’s pretty honest too. So, what do I do?”

“I’d really like to tell you that we should go back inside and make love. You have no idea how much I like that idea.” I looked directly at her and she, with those amazing green eyes, held my gaze. “You are so very desirable and to hear you talk like that lights me on fire. You have no idea. None.” For a moment, I was ready to and felt that if I had gotten out of the car, she might have raced me into the bedroom. “But I also think you’re very vulnerable. You said you felt safe with me. I like that and I don’t want to blow that. I seriously doubt if you would have shared half of what you have if you didn’t feel safe with me. But you don’t have to decide anything. Not right now. Why don’t you let me take you to lunch? Then you take it one step at a time. We take it one step at a time. And neither one of us does anything we don’t feel comfortable with.” I waited for her to nod and then started the engine and pulled out of her driveway.

“Thank you. I don’t want to think I’m playing with you or leading you on. I’m such a mess.”

“Just so you know,” I paused until traffic would allow me to look at her, “your admission that ... you even entertained the idea ... the thought of sharing a bed with me ... just that you even had that thought ... has me wound up right now. You’re being honest. I’m being honest. I’m a mess too, just so you know. I wasn’t kidding when I said you’re very desirable, you know? Hot. But I wouldn’t want it to be about a quick fix to emotional insecurity but the first step in something truly meaningful. Any preference on where to eat?”

“How can you change the subject like that? I’m dying here.”

She reached past the shifter and put a hand on my knee and squeezed it gently then withdrew it. We both wrestled with our own thoughts and finished the short drive in silence. We pulled into the parking lot of a little Thai restaurant that has Ong Bak that’s to die for and parked. I took a deep breath and let out a quiet sigh. One more time.

“Before we eat, let me tell you a couple of things and then I want you to do me a favor,” I said.

“Okay. I will if I can.”

I unbuckled my seat belt and turned toward her as best I could in a car that doesn’t allow shifting positions too much. “Your insecurities don’t line up with reality. You’re very smart and what’s more, you’re clever and have a good sense of humor. You move the bar on what it means to be attractive. You’ve done a fine job with your daughter and have coped with the most stressful thing anyone could ever deal with. On top of that, you have great taste in men, obviously. If we move past a few dates or a dinner or two, you will still have all that. If we have lunch today and for some reason you decide this was a mistake, you’ll still have all that. Your circumstances don’t define you. Instead, you are working your way through and past circumstances and in all that you’re the same person you were going in. Stronger perhaps. A bit more independent, perhaps, but you’re still you.

“You’ve got all that going on whether I tell you that or not. I certainly don’t mind telling you but you’d have all that whether I did or not. I get that your feelings are tender and your fear is real. I get that. And that’s okay. I can relate. There’s no formula or rule on how to get through the tragedy of losing your husband, especially when you were really just starting. I also get that it’s confusing. You like me enough to go out with me twice in two days. That’s more than nice. You trust me enough to share your extremes – to flee or to totally give yourself to me. That’s an amazing admission and one I never would have expected. So, I’m going to promise you that I’m not going to take advantage of your vulnerability and emotional turmoil and press you into an afternoon of unbridled passion. It would be nice but it wouldn’t be fair.”

I stopped and waited for a response. She had listened quietly and I saw her nod a couple of times. I’d built up some credibility both with her daughter and then with her so I thought I could make this one appeal and be done with it, at least for a while. She was working it over and I really didn’t need her to say anything more. I got out and walked around to open her door.

As she stood, she said, “Thank you for that. I guess I needed to hear it. What’s the favor you need from me?”

“Ah. Those thoughts of giving yourself to me -- don’t push those too far to the back of your mind,” I said smiling.

“I’m not sure I could if I wanted to,” she admitted and it was very nice to hear.

“Yowza,” I said, trying to keep it light, and she smiled.

Then she stepped forward for another hug and held me tight. She felt warm and tender and good. I couldn’t remember the last time I had hugged a woman so much. She pressed her body into mine. Her warm body, soft hair and fresh smell were melting me. I didn’t want to take advantage of her but I really did. I wanted nothing more.

“This is what you need. This is what I need. This is nice,” I said and I felt her head nod against my shoulder.

We enjoyed a nice lunch together and I directed our conversation away from raw emotions and toward actions. She talked about what she’d done the last two years. Her financial windfall had allowed her to pay off all her bills, which weren’t much. She purchased a bungalow by the beach perhaps because she loved the ocean and perhaps partly because Don didn’t and she thought it would help her push past the loss. She got a new car because if you live in Isle of Palms you should be driving a BMW or Mercedes, or at least it seemed that way and besides, she got a good deal on a used one. She set aside money for Marcia to attend whatever college she wanted to. When she’d done all that, she still had cash so she retained a financial advisor and stuck most of it in mutual funds. She’d spent a little on one of her hobbies, turning it into a business. She had a small shop that specialized in custom embroidery. What she had started for fun, was not only in the black, she now had three employees, a growing clientele, demand she had trouble keeping up with and was branching out into custom printing and leather and she was considering opening another shop in West Ashley.

Marcia had been learning the business as well, working some days after school and during the summer and it not only provided her with a trade; it gave them some good mother, daughter time. They went horseback riding together on an irregular basis, developing a friendship with a couple of local area trainers. Marcia had tried her hand at dressage but having started late, at the ripe old age of eleven, would have a hard time catching up with other girls her age. She was satisfied in learning for fun rather than for competition as so many of her friends had done.