Chapter 68: Jolene

October 2, 1988, Chicago, Illinois

"Hey, Squirt," I said when she came down to the kitchen on Sunday morning.

Kara and Jessica were still upstairs with Birgit, so I was alone while I was cooking.

"What did you say to Melody?" she asked.

I sighed, "What I had to. Why?"

"I called to invite her to the Halloween Party, and she said she wasn't sure if she and the other girls would come."

"How much do you know?" I asked.

"Not much, really. You played 'Truth or Dare' with them once, but the second time the fire alarm went off. I know that Cheryl freaked out over the other girls, finding out she was a lesbian or bi or whatever. And I get the idea that you and Melody got together some other time."

"All true. In confidence, Melody was looking for someone to help her experiment. As much as I'd like to do that, it just isn't a good idea. And trust me; I know what I'm turning down."

"That good?" Stephanie smirked.

"Yeah," I smiled. "That good."

"Maybe I have a solution for you," she said.

"She's not into girls," I chuckled.

"Asshole! Neither am I except for Jen years ago. I was thinking Jorge."

"I have no idea if she'd be interested," I said. "And she's looking for someone totally safe. Don't take this the wrong way, but I have no idea about Jorge because we've never talked about it. And no, I do NOT want to talk about it!"

Stephanie laughed, "Boy, that's a change!"

"I guess it's different when it's a friend, you know? I have no problem with what you do with anyone you want to do it with. You know that. You're OK with that?"

"We had our talk. I can get a 'hall pass' every once in a while, so long as he can as well."

"She needs a really gentle touch, Squirt. I mean that. Somebody who can stop, no matter what's going on. And not be upset about it."

"He's not you, Big Brother," she replied with a smirk. "But I'd trust him to treat her right."

"Be sure, Squirt. I'm not kidding."

"Have you ever known him to be anything but polite?"

"No, but what happens in private can be a totally different thing. You know how Elyse was. And I didn't discover that until some time after she and I moved in together."

"Talk about a shock!" Stephanie laughed. "Mild, meek Elyse being a freak in bed!"

"That's my point. Anyway, if you're sure, talk to Melody. Just be circumspect about it. I'll encourage her to come to the Halloween party when I see her tomorrow evening."

"Thanks, Big Brother."

"Got your eye on someone?" I grinned.

"There's one possibility. A guy I've been in some classes with. He's the tall, dark, handsome, shy, quiet type. I was thinking about blowing his mind!"

"You never know, Squirt. Remember what we said about Elyse!"

"True! Anyway, thanks, Big Brother. And you probably made the right decision. Peggy and Lisa would try their damnedest to turn you into their personal toy. And no, I'm not letting Jorge anywhere near those two! He can be with Melody, but not them."

We heard Jessica, Kara, and Elyse coming down the stairs with Birgit and Matthew, which put an end to the conversation. Stephanie and I hadn't talked like that in quite some time, and I felt us drifting apart. I needed to make some time for her. Time. That was my biggest enemy. There was never enough time. Not for Birgit ten years before, or Stephie exactly a year ago.

"You're thinking about Stephie?" Kara asked, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah. You know what today is."

"I do. I was surprised that you didn't say anything when we got up."

"Just private thoughts," I said. "I miss her."

"I know," Kara said.

I served breakfast for everyone and then went upstairs to put on my gi so that I could go and meet Jolene. I felt I had a reasonable solution to Melody's problem that extricated me from a situation in which I didn't belong. The next one would be dealing with Jolene. My problem was, I didn't want to discourage her in any way with regard to karate, but I couldn't get tied up deeply with her, either. Well, I could be those things I'd thought of the day before — friend, mentor, confidant — but not a long-term man in her life.

"Good morning!" I said.

"Thanks for saving my ass last week!" she exclaimed.

"You're welcome. Hope is quite a pistol."

"Don't even get me started on that. She's been teasing me all week."

"She senses something," I said.

Jolene nodded, "Probably."

"We need to talk," I said.

"This is where I get dumped, isn't it?" she asked.

"Dumped? Jolene, you aren't my girlfriend. You're a friend, and someone that I'm acting as a mentor to. I'm not going to stop doing either of those things. But I can't be the man in your life."

"Dumped," she sighed. "I'll see you Monday. I don't need your help."

She turned and walked towards the door.

"Jolene, STOP!" I commanded.

I didn't yell, though I did my best to channel Pete's 'Law Enforcement' voice.

"Why? You don't care about me!"

"Oh come on!" I said, exasperated. "You know that's not true! Quit being a drama queen! Come back and talk to me."

"Talk about what? You just told me that there's nothing to talk about!"

"Sure there is! If what I said upset you, then the first thing to talk about is what you're feeling and what you were expecting."

"Why bother?" she asked, a tear running down her cheek.

"Come back," I said. "Please."

I sat down and patted the bench next to me. She slowly walked back and sat down.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I can't have my promotion. I can't have you. I can't talk to my daughter."

"Still with the damned promotion? Seriously?" I sighed. "What's it going to take to get through to you?"

I was at my wit's end with her on this. I was tempted to tell her to leave and not bother coming back, but that wasn't my place.

"I don't know," she said.

"How about we deal with the one thing of those three you mentioned that I CAN do something about."

"Can," she spat. "But won't."

"What do you want from me?" I asked. "Just be direct."

"I like talking to you, practicing with you, and being with you."

"OK. But you said that you couldn't 'have' me. That didn't just sound like sex to me. Not after what I said about not being able to be the man in your life."

"I need someone like you in my life," she said. "But I guess that's foolish."

"I told you what I can be and what I can do. But I have two wives and a bunch of kids, and I'm going to have more kids. I can't be your boyfriend, or whatever it is you want from me."

"Regular sex. From someone who cares about me. And wants to be with me. And isn't freaked out that I have a daughter."

"That sounds like a boyfriend," I said. "And I don't have that kind of freedom."

"What do you mean? We had sex, and it wasn't a problem! It won't be a problem if we do it again!"

"No, it wouldn't. Well, most likely not. But I don't have freedom to create a long-term sexual relationship. And why take up with a married guy?"

"Because you're the best guy I've found in nearly ten years!"

"Yes, but I'm taken," I said. "And you knew that when this whole thing started!"

Jolene laughed, "God, you are dense, aren't you?"

"Dense? What did I miss?"

"How long have you been coming here?"

"About seven years," I said.

"And how long have I been here?"

"About four years, I guess."

"When did you get engaged?"

"Just about two years ago."

She shook her head, "And you had no idea?"

"No idea about what?" I asked.

"That I was interested! As soon as Stephie left, I started talking to you!"

I had completely missed it. For YEARS.

"I had no idea," I said. "I'm sorry."

"I did everything but throw you down on the mat and fuck you. And you ignored me."

"Jolene, it's more complicated than that. Right after Stephie left, Kara came to see me for the first time in a year. And I was seeing Anala and Bethany. My life was a mess. Think about how I was at the dojo! It was worse in my life outside the dojo. Do you know what Sensei Jim called me?"

"No."

"An immature, self-centered, unteachable, insufferable git. And he was right. He might still be right seven years later."

"Nah, you're teachable," she smirked.

"Thank you VERY much!" I chuckled.

"You honestly had no idea I was hitting on you?"

"You were too subtle, I guess. Back then, I pretty much needed to be hit over the head to notice much of what was going on around me. It was probably the environment. I guess I must have thought you were just being friendly."

"Maybe I was more subtle than I thought. After all, back in April, I practically had to assault you to get you to screw me."

I had made a MAJOR miscalculation when I had thought that she didn't love me or 'anything like that'. I didn't think she was in love with me, but it was more than just a simple friendship. I'd managed to make a mess of things without having any clue that I was making a mess of things. I'd walked into a minefield and stepped on a pressure mine. Any move I made now was going to cause damage. It was only a question of how much damage.

"Yeah, well, I'm dense. Just as you said. I don't even know what to say at this point. 'Sorry' sure as hell doesn't cut it."

"I'm guessing rolling around on the mat isn't in the cards," she said with a wan smile.

"I'm thinking that's a really bad idea right now."

"So what do we do? I seem to have really ruined everything. Karate. You. Hope."

"Can we take a couple of steps back, please?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think your life is as much of a mess as you think it is," I said. "First of all, you have the basic needs met. A lot of people don't. Second, you have a wonderful daughter. Third, you have a good job that lets you come to the dojo and pay for your daughter's dance lessons. Fourth, you're a 1st Dan black belt in Shōtōkan karate. Fifth, you have a friend who really cares about you. Let's start there."

She smiled, "That does put a different spin on things, doesn't it?"

"Remember what I said about goals? Have you thought about that?"

"Long-term? I'll skip the one that you'll ream me over. I want my daughter to go to college, have a good career, a loving husband, and wonderful children. I want to get a job with more responsibility. I want to go to Australia. I guess those are more or less in order. I'm not sure I have any particular medium-term goals."

"Those are pretty good goals. What about short term?"

"Put food on the table, stay in shape, figure out how to talk to my daughter, beat you in sparring, and another one you probably don't want to hear."

I nodded with a knowing smile.

"I have a pretty good idea of what it is. But I don't think I've gotten through to you at all."

"What do you mean?"

"Other than maybe the job and health goals, I didn't hear a single goal about self-improvement. Honestly, it's like talking to a wall! Or a teenager! Or my past self!"

Jolene slumped back against the wall and closed her eyes. It was clear that she was thinking, so I didn't want to interrupt. I'd probably also upset her a bit more, but I didn't think it could be helped. I was fairly certain that she'd never had someone like Anala or Bethany in her life, and probably wouldn't have listened to them if she had. She was fiercely independent, and that was part of why she was struggling.

I wondered if part of it was that she was afraid to let her guard down; afraid to let her true feelings out. As a single mom who had become pregnant at 13, she had challenges that I couldn't begin to understand. She'd managed to overcome those challenges and had a good career, was healthy, and had raised a wonderful daughter who seemed like a fairly well-adjusted teenager from what I had seen. She'd also achieved her black belt in karate.

I just let her think, and it was nearly five minutes before she spoke again.

"You're right."

"OK. Then what are we going to do about it?" I asked.

"We?"

"Yes, we. I think I can help you. If you want my help, that is."

She nodded slowly, "I do."

"Then the first step is getting to know yourself. You have to ask the two ultimate questions — 'Who am I?' and 'Why am I here?'. Remember, it's not about the answers, but about the journey of self-discovery. The answers aren't particularly relevant to solving your problems."

"That doesn't make sense at all!"

"Maybe not now, but I think it will. Remember what I said? It's about the journey, not the destination. There's only one destination that's a certainty, and it's a six-foot deep hole in the ground."

"That's a really great motivation," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Prove me wrong! If you can, you'll make me the happiest man in Chicago because then maybe, just maybe, I'll get to see Stephie and Birgit and my baby again."

"Your baby? Jesus, Steve. You had a baby that died?"

"I guess the answer to that depends on what you think about when life begins. It's a long, extremely complicated story. The Reader's Digest version is she purposefully got pregnant, though I didn't know she was trying, then had an abortion, despite agreeing not to."

"The way you said it, it seemed like the baby had been born," Jolene said.

"I know. Because later on, I saw Birgit, her boyfriend, and that baby in a dream. And then, much later, my friend Bethany saw Birgit and that baby in HER dream. But here's the kicker — I never mentioned that dream to ANYONE. It wasn't even in the journal I keep. So, in a sense, both I and someone else have seen my baby."

"That's a bit freaky. I thought about an abortion, but I just couldn't do it. If I had done it, my parents would never have known and I would have just continued on. I made the right decision, and I'd make it again. I look at Hope and ask myself how I could ever have thought about it."

"It's a hell of a thing," I said. "I've always maintained that it's not my place to tell someone else what to do with their body, but that doesn't make me like it. Or want to have been a party to it. I suspect that you'll get the full story as we talk through your issues. For now, I think we should stop coming here on Sunday mornings. It only perpetuates the problem. Right now, you don't need karate practice."