Chapter 66: Self-Examination

September 18, 1988, Chicago, Illinois

"Well, don't just stand there with your mouth hanging open," Jolene said. "Neither of those things should surprise you."

I sighed, "No, I guess they don't. What are we going to do?"

"Well, YOU are not going to sleep with MY daughter."

"On THAT, we are in complete agreement," I said firmly.

"Good," Jolene said, sounding relieved. "Then I can deal with her."

"But the other issue?" I asked.

"I don't know that there is anything anyone can do."

"And you're going to give up just like that?" I asked. "You're going to throw away your black belt?"

"If I can't advance, why bother?"

"Whose approval should you be seeking? Sensei Jim's? Mine? Or your own?"

"Who do you think? Sensei Jim's, of course!"

"Then you're doing it wrong," I replied gently. "What's the first precept of the «Dōjō kun»?"

"Seek perfection of character," she said.

"And what is the aim of karate, according to Master Funakoshi?"

"The ultimate aim of karate lies not in victory or defeat, but in the perfection of the character of the participant."

"Who is the only person who can judge your interior life? Your true character?"

"Me, I guess."

"So quit trying to please Sensei Jim and just focus on following the precepts. Only you can defeat the challenge, and only you could possibly know what it is. There's one more thing I want to add, and it fits here. I told you before about what Socrates purportedly said — 'The unexamined life is not worth living'. Who is the only one that can truly examine your life?"

"Me."

"So what's the lesson?" I asked.

"I'm not sure what you're trying to say. How does this help me solve the problem?"

"It depends which problem you're trying to solve. What is it that you want, the belt? Or self-improvement."

"You got both!" she said. "How?"

"By not trying," I said.

"What are you talking about? You're at the dojo every day! You've practiced your kata until you know them so well that you don't even have to think about them when you do them!"

"After Sensei promoted me to 1st Dan, did you ever hear me talk about being promoted?"

"No."

"Because I didn't worry about it. The extra stripe on my belt wasn't important to me. What was important was learning. I didn't approach Sensei about my promotion. In fact, I don't think I ever asked him about a promotion or what was necessary to earn one. Ever. I just did what he asked and tried to learn the lessons he was teaching me. Not just about the technical part of karate, but about life, and about knowing myself, and about what it means to be a leader. My promotion to 2nd Dan came out of the blue, though in hindsight I can see what happened. I spent my time trying to learn, not trying to achieve a promotion."

"This is what you tried to tell me at the beginning of August. I guess I didn't listen."

"Did Sensei Jim actually tell you that you would never be promoted? Or did he say something along the lines of you not being ready and being unsure if or when you would be."

She sighed, "I'm not 100% sure. I don't listen for nuances like you seem to. I want straight 'up or down', 'yes or no' answers. He doesn't give any."

"No, he doesn't. Why?"

"To make us think, I guess. So what do I do?"

"Work on examining your life so that you can be the best person you can possibly be. Stop worrying about someone being a higher belt than you. Stop worrying about being promoted. Self-knowledge is the key. Everything else will take care of itself after that."

"You think that can get me promoted?"

That really tore it. She just wasn't getting what I was trying to tell her.

"WILL YOU JUST FUCKING FORGET ABOUT BEING PROMOTED? THAT'S YOUR GOD-DAMNED PROBLEM!" I shouted angrily.

A tear ran down Jolene's face and I wondered if I'd pushed things too far, but I simply hadn't been able to get through to her. All I could do now was wait to see what she would do. She turned and began to walk away from me.

"Jolene, wait," I said gently. "I'm sorry."

She took another two steps, then stopped and turned, but didn't say anything.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you," I said. "Will you forgive me?"

She nodded and took a couple of steps back towards me.

"What can I do?" she asked.

I took a deep breath to calm down before answering. Anger wouldn't cut it now.

"For starters, quit tying your self-worth and self-esteem to a stripe on your belt. You'll never ever be happy if your self-worth and self-esteem depend on someone else's opinion of you. Focus on being a good mom to Hope, a good friend to your friends, doing the best job you can at work, and working on your interior life."

"Easier said than done," she sighed.

"Life isn't easy," I said. "You should know that from raising a daughter on your own. In fact, you're facing one of those challenges right now."

She nodded, "It scares me because I see so much of me in her."

"Well, of course you do! You raised her. She won't be exactly like you, but you've had a lot of influence on her."

"I just don't want her to make the same mistakes I did."

"Are the two situations similar? You said that your parents didn't love you, so you found someone who said they did. I don't get the idea that Hope has that kind of issue. I think it's more 'schoolgirl crush' than anything. It's harmless, really."

"Is it?" she asked warily.

"I think so, because I'm certainly not going to act on it. Talk with her about it. And I don't mean lecture her. Find out what she's thinking and why, and gently guide her on how to have a proper relationship with a guy."

"I'm not sure that I know how to have a proper relationship with a guy! I'm not exactly the best role model."

"I can't make that judgment," I said. "But from everything I've seen, you love your daughter and have been a good mom to her. She seems happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. Look at some of the other teens we've interacted with at the dojo. Having a traditional two-parent family isn't a guarantee of any of those things. And you've had it harder."

"I suppose so," she said.

"Isn't your daughter far more important than karate?"

"Well, of course!"

"And there are no awards for raising a good kid, are there?"

"No."

"So why did you do it, then?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"One that should make you think about what motivates you," I said. "That's all I can do. Help you think about these things. Only you can figure out your own motivations, and your own way forward. The whole point I've been trying to make for the last six weeks or so is that the harder you grasp at the belt, the less likely you are to ever get it."

"Is this some kind of Zen thing?" she asked.

"Maybe. I don't know enough about Zen to be sure. I have studied some Eastern philosophy and know quite a bit about Buddhism and its precepts. Logic is good, but it only takes you so far. Science is good, but it can't answer the deepest questions of who we are. Nobody can answer that question for you but you. So the question, and you shouldn't answer right now, is 'Who are you, Jolene Baxter?'. The answer to that question should only take you the rest of your life to work out."

"The rest of my life?"

"Self-discovery is an endless quest. Maybe it's possible for some monk somewhere to achieve it, like it's claimed that the Buddha did. Maybe not. I think the journey is far more important than the destination. And that's a good thing, because I sure as hell don't know what the destination is."

"You don't have goals?"

I smiled, "Of course I do. But those are simply waypoints on the path. And they can change as I move down the path. Some goals are pretty well fixed, like being the best dad I can to my kids. Others are more ephemeral and can change at a moment's notice. And there are a bunch in between those extremes. All I can do, each day, is make the best decisions I can for that day, and work towards my goals, with the understanding that I might change, or might even not like the result when I get there."

"Not like the result? But if it's something you want, how could that be?"

"The future is never crystal clear," I said. "And there are always unintended consequences. Let's say that I want to be a Sensei and run a dojo, and I achieve it because Sensei Jim's plane crashes into the Pacific. I have my goal, but am I happy about it?"

"Probably not," she said. "But if you didn't blow up the plane, or whatever, it's not your fault!"

"I didn't say it was. But I achieved my goal and have a bitter taste in my mouth. Things often don't work out the way we want them to or expect them to. And Fate has a way of fucking with us. You know about Stephie, but you probably don't know about the young woman my daughter is named for. The first Birgit was a young Swedish girl who died when she was fifteen. We'd made all kinds of plans together and they ended with her death. All I was left with was ashes in my mouth."

"You've had two very, very close friends die at a young age?"

"Yes, and my mentor died as well. He wasn't young, but the plans we had for doing business together vanished when he died. His granddaughter took over his interests, but she can't be a mentor to me the way he could have been."

"I'm missing the point, I think."

"Don't grasp your goals so tightly that it destroys your life when Fate intervenes, as it surely will. There is only one guarantee in life. Just one."

"I thought there were two — death and taxes," Jolene smiled.

"So they say," I agreed. "But there are ways to avoid taxes. There is no way to avoid death. I can live my life in such a way as to pay little, or even no, taxes. There is nothing I can do to escape death."

"What about heaven?"

"I don't have the first clue," I said. "There's only one way to know for sure, and I'm not interested in THAT option for another seventy-five years or so, assuming I remain in good health. For now, all I can do is be the best husband, father, and person who I can be, and hope that my memory lives on in others. Beyond that? Ask a priest or monk or imam or rabbi. Just be prepared for different answers from each one you ask."

"It sounds like you've asked that question."

"Almost constantly since Birgit died ten years ago. And even more since Stephie died last year."

She nodded, "I said it before, and I'll say it again. You have what it takes to be a Sensei."

"Maybe," I said. "I have a lot to learn and a long way to go. And it's a very serious commitment to take responsibility for a school full of students. I'll know better after Sensei Jim's trip to Japan next year."

"That's going to be a real challenge for you."

"Yes. And I need your help. Call it self-interest if you want, but I don't want you to quit. I can't do it by myself next Summer. I am NOT ready for it."

"Sensei Jim thinks you are," she said.

I smiled, "Remember what you said about listening to nuances? What he said to me was that he wanted you and me to run the school. Think about that for a moment."

"Why didn't he tell me that?" she asked.

"Because it would have gone right to your head, you egomaniac!" I chuckled.

"Says the man whose ego is self-admittedly bigger than mine!"

"Yes, and I acknowledge it. And I fight with it every single day. I get regular kicks in the butt from the people closest to me to keep it under some semblance of control. It's one of my lifelong struggles. That, along with not being a fucking drama queen."

"I still don't see that," she said.

"You just haven't looked hard enough!" I chuckled. "I need to get home, and you have some talking to do with a beautiful, nubile daughter!"

"Watch it, Buster!" she laughed.

"So no mother-daughter threesome? Bummer!" I said, trying to sound dejected.

Jolene laughed, "NO!"

I extended my arms, we hugged, and I turned to head for home while fantasies of something that was never, ever going to happen danced in my head.

"She showed up?" Jessica asked.

"No. But I did end up talking with her."

"You went to her apartment?"

"Her daughter Hope came by the dojo to see if her mom was there. I walked Hope home and Jolene came out to talk to me. We had a fairly long talk standing on the sidewalk. I think she'll come back."

"What's the issue?"

"It's complicated, but mostly it has to do with trying too hard at times, instead of just allowing things to come naturally in due time. You know, similar to someone else I know."

"As if you don't do that, too!" Jessica retorted.

"Guilty as charged," I said. "But I'm not only aware of it, I try to do something about it. Sometimes you have to just let go and allow the flow to carry you forward. Save your energy for fighting the rapids, but let the gentle stream move you forward."

"Now you're a Zen master?" she laughed.

"No, not even close. But a lot of that Eastern philosophy rings true," I answered with a chuckle of my own. "And now I need a shower before lunch and the race!"

"Want some company?" she asked.

"Always!" I grinned.

We practically ran up the steps to the bedroom where Kara was nursing Birgit. Jessica and I got into the shower and a couple of minutes later, Kara joined us with our daughter, who very much enjoyed being in the shower, despite only being three months old.

"Tiger, it's time to start trying," Jessica said when we got out of the shower.

"Ooh! This is going to be fun!" Kara giggled.

"If you're sure, Babe," I said.

She looked at Kara, holding Birgit in the shower, and sighed.

"More than sure," she said softly.

I turned off the water and helped Jessica dry off while Kara dried herself and Birgit. I quickly ran a towel over my body, and after Kara put Birgit in her crib, Jessica and I made love while Kara looked on.

"That was beautiful," Kara said.

"Come join us, silly!" Jessica said. "You said it was going to be fun!"

"What am I? Chopped liver?" I asked in mock outrage.

"SOMEBODY has to provide the sperm!" Jessica teased.

"Stud horse duties again," I sighed theatrically. "What a life!"

"Poor baby!" Jessica soothed as I pulled her into my arms.

The three of us made love, and when we finished, we showered again, and after we dressed, we went down to the kitchen for lunch. Stephanie and Jorge joined us, so we took our lunch to the dining room.

"How did things go with Jolene?" Stephanie asked. "I assume she showed up, given that you were gone so long."

"He also had some OTHER business to attend to upstairs!" Kara giggled.

"He's been in THAT business for as long as I can remember!" my sister smirked.

"If we're done discussing my sex life, I'll tell you that Jolene didn't show up, but I went to her apartment and we had a long talk," I said.

"Uh-huh," my sister smirked. "One of THOSE talks. More business?"

I saw Jorge put his hand on my sister's arm, for which I was grateful. But I had to say something myself.

"Squirt, lay off," I said firmly. "I mean it."

"Sorry!" she said meekly. "What happened?"

"Without going into too much detail, or revealing anything private, you all know she's basically been agitating for promotion to 2nd Dan, and Sensei Jim hasn't seen fit to grant it to her. That's totally his business, of course, and he gets to make the decision. He keeps very close counsel on things like that, to the point that I didn't even know that Jessica was going to be tested for her belt. The only people he talks to about this are Sensei Robert and Sensei Hiro in Japan.

"I think she finally confronted him about it. Directly. Now, my reading of Sensei Jim is that doing THAT is about as likely to succeed as me declaring myself King of Hyde Park and making it stick. If he followed his usual form, he told her that she's not ready, and that with her attitude and approach, she likely never would be ready. And Jolene heard that as 'never' not 'you have to change'.

"I had a talk like that with Sensei. Several, actually. There's a reason it took five years to earn my black belt. But those conversations didn't start with me asking about promotion. They started when I asked for help, or when I went to him with an issue, or more often, when I needed my butt kicked. Jolene earned her black belt in two years, so I think she expected to achieve 2nd Dan before I did. But you all know that I didn't have a clue that Sensei Jim was considering it. I just went to class, did my best to learn and practice the precepts, and be a better person. And that's why I think I succeeded and she failed. I've tried to explain it to her for weeks, but I wasn't getting through to her. Until today."

"What did you say that finally got her to understand?" my sister asked.

"I told her, bluntly, to 'just fucking forget about being promoted, because that was her God-damned problem!' Actually, I screamed that at her."

"No way! On the sidewalk?" my sister gasped.

"Yeah," I said. "Not one of my finer moments. But I think that it got through to her."

"Swearing and yelling?" Kara asked. "That's not how you usually behave."

"I lost my temper for the first time in a long time," I said. "I apologized immediately."

"Steve?" Jorge said, with a puzzled frown. "Can you repeat what you said?"

We all looked at him.

"Repeat what you said to your friend please."

"I basically said that I raised my voice and told her that her problem was she was obsessing over being promoted and she needed to get over it."