Chapter 58: Self-Discovery

August 5, 1988, Chicago, Illinois

"I hope you don't mind if I sleep until Sunday afternoon, Tiger," Jessica said when I picked her up late on Friday evening.

"There's really nothing planned this weekend," I said. "Breakfast with the guys, and that's it. There's not even a race on Sunday. Next weekend will be a bit busier, because we have Carol and Stan's wedding to go to."

"Did Carol finally tell Francesca about it?"

"About two weeks ago. Francesca basically knew, though. Back in June, I heard her tell Jesse that her mommy and Stan kissed and were trying to make a baby!"

Kara laughed, "Jesse and his 'kissing makes babies' idea. I wondered if he had said anything to Francesca about it!"

"When Carol told Francesca about the wedding, she said she would 'like a baby sister, please'!"

"Nice!" Jessica laughed. "But I don't think you get to order like that. She could get a baby brother!"

"And hang up the phone on Carol when she told her?" I chuckled.

"I can't imagine Carol calling home to tell Francesca or Frankie. It doesn't seem to fit her personality. You treat Jesse like an adult. She treats Francesca and Frankie like babies. It's a night-and-day difference. And Jesse is rubbing off on Kristin, Matthew, and Peter! He'll be taking Birgit into his posse as soon as she starts crawling!"

"Did you and Elyse work out a plan?" I asked.

"Yes. Starting next week, you can spend two nights a week with her, and of course, service her as needed to ensure she gets pregnant!"

Jessica had tried to keep a straight face but burst out laughing.

"What am I? A stud horse?" I chuckled.

"You said it, Tiger, not me!"

"Just for that, I'm taking you upstairs and Kara and I are going to fuck you senseless before you go to sleep! 'Stud horse' my eye!"

"That's some punishment, Tiger! A dozen orgasms? Whatever will I do?" she wailed theatrically.

August 6, 1988, Chicago, Illinois

"Congratulations!" I said to Melody after class had finished.

"You made this happen!" she said, running her fingers along the brand new yellow belt she sported.

"No, you did. I simply provided guidance and training. That was your hand that broke the board and you who performed the kata."

"Will got his last week, so I'm STILL behind him!" she groused.

"Oh, woe is me! An eight-year-old is a higher belt! Did you notice Les? He's eleven and has his purple belt! He'll have his brown belt soon, and might even be ready to test for his black belt before Sensei Jim's trip in March!"

"Maybe I could get some extra instruction?" Melody smirked.

There were people around, so I couldn't really answer in kind.

"The more you come to class, the more likely you are to advance. That is what it really comes down to, at least for the lower belts."

"Did Jennifer tell you that Cheryl talked to her?"

"No, but it isn't really my business at this point. Once I put them in touch, I stepped aside. I don't really have a relationship with Cheryl, and I'm not sure if she would even want me for a friend at this point. I was part of the problem."

"You? What did you do?"

"Participated in outing her against her will. Not making sure she was truly comfortable with what was going on. And, honestly, viewing her like an object instead of like a person."

"Whoa! Do you regret everything?"

"It's complicated," I said. "Honestly, in hindsight, I let my desire block out my internal debate. Usually, I think things through. I didn't that day. And I didn't the second time, either. It was probably a huge mistake to play that game with all of you under those circumstances. And it's not just Cheryl, either. What about Jenna? That concerns me, too."

"That she was a virgin? Are you kidding?! She was on Cloud Nine! She has no regrets, except maybe that she didn't get to do it with you again! She even asked about you when I saw her yesterday."

"That was a lucky outcome," I said. "It could well have gone exactly the opposite way, with her in tears regretting that she gave up her virginity on a dare."

"Did something happen? You seem like a very different person."

"Cheryl happened," I said. "We hurt someone who was extremely vulnerable because we were insensitive. Maybe it's just that I experienced something like this in the past, or that two of my best friends from High School are gay, so I'm more sensitive to their situation, but honestly, we hurt that poor girl. Badly. And that means something to me."

"But you have sex with just about anyone!" Melody objected.

"That's not true, though I could see why you would think that. Once upon a time I didn't think things through and I hurt some girls very, very badly. It wasn't about force, but about understanding the situation properly. Your little get-together caused me to fall back into an old pattern, one that I thought I'd moved past. In some ways, it was a mistake."

"I'm not sure Jenna would appreciate being called a mistake," Melody countered.

"I get that. And I'm happy that she's happy. But that was pure happenstance. It could equally have ended up with her devastated that she had sex."

"That happened to you in the past, didn't it?"

"Yes. Not under the same circumstances, but yes. I learned a bitter lesson then. One that I forgot that day in your apartment."

"You didn't force yourself on her," Melody said.

"No, but did she really freely consent? Or did she do it because of peer pressure? Consent is a dodgy thing at times. That's another thing I learned. Acquiescence isn't consent."

"So, how do you know for sure?"

"Mostly by waiting. And that usually means days or even weeks. Not minutes the way it happened in your dorm."

Or at the dojo that Saturday morning with Jolene, I didn't add. It had been completely clear that she had wanted it, and she had initiated it, even over my protest. But I wondered if I'd protested strongly enough. Should I have waited a week to think it through? Jessica had given me freedom, and suddenly it felt like I was abusing it.

"Which is why you told me you had to think about it," Melody said.

"That's right. Which is what I should have done with Jenna. In fact, I shouldn't have put myself in that position in the first place. I was the 'adult in the room', if you will, and I should have kept it under control. I should have realized what was going on between Peggy and Cheryl and Lisa. I missed it. And that's what led to where we are now."

"I never thought of stuff like this before," Melody said. "My first time was kind of like you said. I snuck out to meet the older guy, and we walked down the beach. I let him kiss me, and then touch me, and then I wanted nothing more than to feel him inside me. It hurt a little, then it felt out of this world. Then the next day he more or less pretended that he didn't know me."

"See, THAT is the issue I'm trying to avoid. Well, among other things. He hurt you emotionally, didn't he?"

"I felt like he used me and threw me away."

"So now I have a question for you," I said. "How are you going to feel if we do it just once, and then never again?"

"I never thought about it," she said. "I suppose it depends on how good it is!"

She laughed, and so did I.

"You know exactly what I meant!" I said. "If you felt used that time on the beach, why wouldn't you feel used by me?"

"Because I know what I'm asking for now and what I want."

I nodded, "Because you've had time to think about it. That makes a big difference."

She nodded, "I think I see what you're getting at. I don't think that guy raped me, but if I had thought it through, I might not have done it."

"Yes. And Cheryl?" I asked.

"We pressured her into it!" Melody exclaimed. "Holy shit!"

"So, now do you see why I'm so bothered about it?"

"I do. We were really mean to do that, weren't we?"

"Thoughtless is probably a better word. Or insensitive. Or callous. But I don't think anyone intended to hurt her, do you?"

"No. So now what?"

"Be her friend, if she'll allow it. And remember the lesson. I sure as hell will."

"And you and me?"

"Let it rest for a bit. Maybe it'll happen, maybe not. If you're still interested, ask me again in a month or so."

"That long?"

"Yes. That long. You need to be sure, and I need to be sure."

"OK. And thanks."

"You're welcome. Now I need to get out of here. Kara, Jessica, and my sister are probably wondering if I'll ever come out!"

We were the last to leave, and as I'd predicted, the three girls were waiting for us. Melody walked part way with us until she had to turn south and we turned north.

"Everything OK?" Kara asked.

"It is now, I think. I was explaining to Melody how she and her friends really hurt another of her friends. And what the problem was. In a sense, it's part of becoming a Sensei. Helping people deal with life situations and developing a proper attitude. Sensei Jim had talked to me about things on occasion, like about Stephie."

"Did you help Melody?" Jessica asked.

"I helped her see where she'd gone wrong. Fixing it is up to her."

"Which is pretty much true for everything in life!" she said.

"You seemed to manage OK in class today despite saying that you were going to sleep until tomorrow!" I said.

"I'm going to bed as soon as we shower and have lunch! I'll get up for dinner. I should be semi-sane by then."

"As if a few hours of sleep could fix THAT problem!" I teased, deftly dodging the expected attempt to smack me on the shoulder.

August 7, 1988, Chicago, Illinois

"Why do I feel like Sensei Jim doesn't believe I should advance?" Jolene asked after we finished our warm-up exercises.

"Have you asked HIM that question? He's the only one who is in a position to answer."

"He hasn't said anything to you?"

"Not beyond asking me to work with you. He keeps his own counsel on promotions. He didn't tell me in advance about Jessica receiving her yellow belt. I found out like everyone else when he said that he was going to test her. If you think about it, he's responsible for each and every student from the 10th Kyu white belts like Jacquelyn to the highest Dan black belt, which used to be Walt and is now me. Each of us reflect on him, the dojo, and karate in general. I have no idea what he thinks is lacking for you. Or for me to advance to 3rd Dan."

"He hasn't told you?"

I smiled, "He said I need to demonstrate that I am a Sensei. That's it. It sounds simple, doesn't it? But we both know that it's not. I am called Sensei in certain limited circumstances, but I'm not really Sensei to anyone here, except maybe you, Will, and Jacquelyn, and even then, it's only by proxy. By the same token, he's going to Japan for six months at his Master's request. Maybe he'll come back 6th Dan. Maybe he won't. Only Sensei Robert, who is his master, and the 9th Dan Master Hisakawa Hiro, can answer that question."

"Damn. Six months in Japan, at his own expense, and no guarantee that he'll be promoted?"

"Is that any different from our situation? Or even that of those with Kyu ranks? You pay and train, but there is no guarantee of promotion. Even making yellow belt is more than doing kata and breaking a board. If someone were disrespectful, or disruptive, or implied they were learning karate for nefarious purposes, would Sensei Jim promote them?"

"No, he wouldn't. He'd kick them out. Do you think my motives are wrong? Or my attitude?"

"I don't know," I said. "What I think isn't particularly relevant. Right now, what I can teach you is what I am teaching you. And you've improved. Your breathing is much more regular when we spar or do hard exercises, and your kata are far smoother. To me, you seem to have sufficient self-discipline, but there are some rough spots."

"Rough spots?"

"Pride, for example. Look, I'm as guilty as the next guy at being proud of myself, but I think maybe Sensei detects jealousy. You were really miffed when I was promoted to 2nd Dan even though you had been a 1st Dan long before me. Do you think maybe Sensei noticed that? And your attitude of wanting to prove something by beating me, instead of practicing self-discipline and fighting the true enemy."

"Which is?"

"Your ego. It's almost as big as mine! I struggle constantly with mine. I evaluate my mistakes. I try to think things through beforehand and review them afterwards. When I make a mistake, I do my best to correct it, and not to make it again. I fail, repeatedly. But I keep trying. I'm not saying that this is the answer to your promotion, but it sure as heck stood in the way of mine. How long did it take you to get your black belt?"

"Just over two years."

"And it took me five," I said. "Why?"

"It had to be attitude and self-discipline. It certainly wasn't forms or ability."

"So the question becomes, what is it in your interior life that's holding you back? I don't know. I've thrown out some ideas, but I don't know for sure. Maybe it is ego and jealousy. Who knows? You also get riled up pretty easily. Even with all the work we've done, I can still upset you by thrashing you when we spar. And I know your weaknesses and exploit them, and then once you're upset, you lose control."

"Shit," she sighed. "I've scratched and scraped and fought for everything in my life. When I'm confronted with a challenge, I try to bulldoze my way through it."

"Sometimes an indirect approach works better."

She smirked, "I wouldn't have had one of the best fucks of my life if I'd used an indirect approach!"

I chuckled, "Probably not. But you did that because I upset you. Was that the best choice? Forget the fact that you really liked it, it could well have sucked!"

"It worked, didn't it?"

"Let me try a different way. Would you approve of Hope using that approach?"

"Hell no!" she laughed. "The last thing she needs is to repeat all of my stupid mistakes. She's fourteen, the same age I was when she was born, and I'm hoping she makes better choices than I did!"

"If you don't mind, would you tell me how you got pregnant?"

"The usual way!" she smirked. "Fucking!"

"Well, yes, I didn't figure a girl of thirteen would be going for artificial insemination, and the only recorded virgin birth of which I'm aware was about 2000 years ago in Bethlehem."

"Sorry," she said with a wan smile. "I had a bad relationship with my mom and dad, and didn't feel loved. Kenny told me he loved me, so I let him. When my dad found out I was pregnant, he kicked me out and I went to live with an aunt. She helped me until I married Kenny when I was sixteen. He was nineteen and neither of us was really ready for marriage, or a baby, for that matter. I stuck it out for four years, then divorced him. My aunt took me in again, helped me get my associate's degree, like I told you, and that led to my job.

"Kenny was the only guy I was ever with until my divorce was finalized. I didn't want to set a bad example for Hope, who was six at that point, and kids know more than adults think they do."

"Thank you!" I said. "I tried to tell my friend Carol about that when she refused to tell her two-year-old daughter that she was getting engaged."

"Anyway, there were two guys over the years. One of them was, well, I was just lonely and needed someone, so I got together with this guy a few times and we made each other feel good. The second one was a bit more long-term, but after a year, I realized that he wasn't going to be a good father to Hope, and so I dumped him. Then there was you."

"Yes, me. Why?"

"Well, first and foremost, I was horny as hell!" she giggled. "Second, I knew you were available, and I was pretty sure that you could handle a no-strings fuck or two. Or ten!" she smirked. "So I went for it. And it was WAY better than I'd expected."

"So that's all you want? Just to have an itch scratched? Or is there more to it?"

"Didn't I just say that?"

"We don't always say what we're really thinking and sometimes we don't even KNOW what we're really thinking unless we spend some time in serious contemplation."

"Wait a minute. Are YOU having second thoughts about it?"

I nodded, "But that's nothing new. I have second thoughts about a lot of things I do. Casual sex usually causes second thoughts beforehand and third and fourth thoughts afterwards. I'm always trying to figure out if I did the right thing or the wrong thing. And then to do the right thing in the future. It's not about morals, per se. I don't care who has sex with whom, or how often, or what they do together. I only care about how I, and whomever I was with, deal with it before, during, and after."

"And how are you dealing with it?"

"You're experiencing that right now!" I replied with a grin. "Questioning whether or not I did the right thing. Maybe that's part of your issue with Sensei Jim. Do you review the things you do? I mean, seriously contemplate how what you've done affects you and others? You mentioned about setting a good example for Hope. What would she say about what we did?"