Chapter 27: Facing the Music

November 22, 1987, Chicago, Illinois

I dropped Tasha at the IIT dorms, leaving her with a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek so as not to give anything away, and then headed towards Hyde Park. I assumed Jessica would be in bed, so I had a few hours before I had to talk to her. I'd briefly considered saying nothing, but deceiving her struck me as worse than confessing that I'd violated our agreement. I could only hope that she was as forgiving as Kara had been back when I'd had my 'dumb boy' incident with Becky.

This wasn't quite the same, though it was still a violation of trust. I could argue mitigating factors, such as the fact that she had tested negative for sexually transmitted diseases and had been on the Pill, but I decided that the best approach was simply to tell Jessica what had happened, and not to try to defend my actions. She'd ask questions, certainly, and I'd answer them honestly, but I wasn't going to try to escape whatever response she felt was appropriate.

The second question was whether or not I should tell Kara in advance. The last thing I wanted was for Kara to take my side and try to defend me to Jessica, and I could head that off by talking to Kara first. The problem with that, though, was that taking Kara into my confidence before I talked to Jessica could seem like I was trying to stack the deck in my favor. Doing that would completely undermine my attempt to confess and accept the blame.

But that was a few hours away, most likely. I took the last couple of minutes of my drive to savor the exquisite experience that I'd had with Tasha. She had been very uncomfortable after the last lovemaking session, but had insisted that it had been worth it. I felt I owed Penny some thanks, but also a stern talking-to about what she should, and shouldn't say. That said, Penny's guidance had made the past twenty-four hours intensely pleasurable. I doubted Jessica would allow it, but if she did, I'd certainly want to be with Tasha again.

The temperature was just below freezing as I pulled into the driveway next to the coach house, and there was a light frost on the grass. I felt that was an omen for the frosty reception I was likely to get from Jessica. I walked into the house and saw Kara sitting in the great room with Elyse.

"Morning," I said.

"Hi, Snuggle Bear!" Kara said, hopping up to hug and kiss me.

"Is Jess sleeping?"

"Yes, she had a long night. Not a bad one, just no sleep."

"OK. I need some tea," I said. "Want some?"

"Yes, please," she said with a broad smile.

"Me, too," Elyse said, with an equally broad smile.

They followed me to the kitchen, where I put the kettle on to boil. I filled the tea ball with Earl Grey and sat down to wait.

"Another satisfied customer?" Elyse smirked.

"Kara told you?" I asked.

"Does ANYTHING happen in this house that I don't know about?" Elyse smirked.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "Let's just say everything went fine."

"Fine? Steve Adams does not do 'fine'!" she laughed. "How many times?"

"Six, though once was oral."

"Jesus, Steve!" Elyse laughed. "Five times as a virgin?"

"Well, four there," I chuckled.

"Oh my God!" Elyse exclaimed. "Seriously? Tasha?"

"Yeah."

"Steve Adams strikes again!" Kara laughed. "Could Tasha even walk this morning?"

"Yes, she could. And if I could have gone again, she'd have wanted to do it again."

"Careful, Kara, that girl's going to be at your door asking for another time!" Elyse laughed.

Assuming Jessica didn't surgically remove my balls, I thought.

"Girls, keep it to yourselves, please. Don't spread this around. I made a very special exception to the 'nobody at work' rule this one time. Only Penny knows, besides you two and Jess."

"Penny?" Kara asked.

"Tasha went to her for advice," I said.

The kettle whistled, and I poured the hot water into the teapot.

"That explains EVERYTHING," Elyse laughed. "Penny told her to try everything because she might only get one time with the expert!"

"And 'how to' as well," I chuckled. "But enough. I don't want this getting out. For Tasha's sake."

"I won't say anything," Elyse said. "Just because I know what's going on, doesn't mean I talk about it."

"And I certainly won't," Kara said. "I'm glad you had a good time."

Oh, I had. But I was going to pay for it.

"Thanks," I said. "Let's take our tea in the other room."

"Today is the last race of the season, isn't it?" Kara asked.

"Yeah," I sighed. "In Atlanta. Stephie got married there about a year ago."

"It's kind of hard to believe," Elyse said.

"No, it's too fucking easy to believe," I said. "She got married and died before she had her first wedding anniversary! I miss her."

"You've been doing OK," Kara said. "What happened?"

"I think about her all the time. Mostly it's good, but some days it's like someone is stabbing me in the heart. But it has to be worse for Jason. I remember how I felt with Birgit, and that was just a silly schoolboy crush."

"A 'silly schoolboy crush'? What?" Elyse gasped. "You don't believe that."

"Compared to Jason and Stephie? Compared to what I have with Jessica and Kara? Compared to what I have with you, Elyse?"

"Me?"

"He loves you to pieces," Kara said. "He always has. Other than Bethany, you were always the one he loved the most."

"No way!" Elyse protested. "We all take second place to Kathy!"

"We don't count her," Kara laughed. "Nobody can compete with her."

"I am sitting right here, you know?" I said.

"Shush, Snuggle Bear," Kara said. "If I had to give an order, it would be Kathy, Bethany, you, Penny, then Jessica and me."

"What about his sister? And why is he married to you two?" Elyse asked.

"Stephanie is special — she's his sister," Kara said.

"And he married them because they complete him," Kathy said, walking into the great room.

"Kathy?!" I exclaimed in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Dropping Kristin with Elyse. Kurt and I are going to a function at Abbott Labs, and Kristin and Matthew are going to hang out."

"I was just saying that he loved you more than anyone," Elyse said.

Kathy smiled, "He loved me enough to send me back to Kurt when he could have taken me for himself."

"He loved Stephie enough to send her to Jason," Kara said.

"To die," I sighed.

"But they had that year together," Kathy said. "Actually, they had more. If she had stayed here, they wouldn't have had that. And they belonged together. You said so yourself."

"He called his relationship with Birgit a 'silly schoolboy crush'," Elyse said.

"Steve Adams!" Kathy said firmly. "You know that's not true!"

"Sure it is," I said. "I'm not saying that I didn't love her, but I was fifteen! What did I know about love?"

"A hell of a lot more than most of us," Kathy said. "If I had a clue about it back then, we'd be together."

I sighed, "Maybe. We don't know what would have happened."

"I can't stay any longer, but we are going to talk about that," Kathy said firmly.

"It's over and done with," I said. "What more is there to say?"

"How you view your past determines how you live your life in the present, and, more importantly, your future," she said.

She handed Kristin to Elyse, gave me a quick hug and kiss, and then headed back out the front door. Elyse handed me Kristin and went to get Matthew from the playpen in the sunroom where he was sleeping. She fed him, and then we put the kids on a blanket on the floor together.

"They're both growing so fast," I said. "And Jesse, well, that's a whole different story altogether!"

"Kathy says that he's really advanced for a kid his age," Elyse said.

"He has a memory like a steel trap," I said. "And someday, that's going to come back to haunt me!"

The girls laughed. I excused myself and went to get the paper from the front porch. I sat and read it while the girls chatted and Kristin and Matthew played together on the blanket on the floor. There was a lengthy article analyzing the reports of the US House and Senate investigation of the Iran-Contra affair. The bottom line was that both chambers felt that Reagan had ultimate responsibility for what happened, even if he didn't know the details. I agreed with that assessment on principle — if you're in charge, you're responsible.

I read another article describing the events, as best anyone knew, of a terrible fire in the King's Cross Underground station in London that had killed at least 25 people. It was unclear what had happened, though the report stated that a small fire had suddenly intensified and overwhelmed the firefighters who had been called to the scene. I hadn't been in the London Underground, but I'd been in the «Tunnelbana», as well as the subway portion of the L, and I could easily understand how a flash fire of some kind could easily kill way more than 25 people.

I finished the paper, making sure that I read Bloom County, which had always been one of my favorite comics. The fact that it starred a penguin was an additional plus. I put the paper away and told the girls that I was going to write in my journal. My goal was to order my thoughts about the situation with Tasha and Jessica, as well as reflect on my relationship with Stephie. I wrote for quite some time before Kara came to my door.

"Is something bothering you?" she asked. "I mean besides Stephie?"

"Why?"

"What you said about Birgit earlier really surprised us, and you heard Kathy's reaction when we told her."

"I know," I said. "But honestly, if you think about it, I never dated her, we never hung out together unless Larry was there, and she showed no real interest until that day she showed up at my house and we made love. I saw her once after that, and then she went home. What could it have been other than a crush? Or a desire to get laid?"

"Oh stop!" Kara said, exasperated. "Is this about Birgit or about Stephie? Do you regret letting her go?"

"I can't honestly answer that," I said. "I keep thinking that it could have been me, not Jason. Like I dodged a fucking bullet or something."

A look of revelation crossed Kara's face.

"Like with Wen! It's survivor's guilt again! You're beating yourself up not only because you lived, and she died, but because Jason is suffering. I have news for you, husband — Jason would have suffered even if Stephie had never gone to him. How would YOU feel if something happened to Kathy now? Or Bethany? You know, like it almost did two years ago?"

I sighed, but said nothing. Kara was making a valid point. I was concerned that I was letting my unease about talking to Jessica mess with my emotions. I'd mostly gotten past all that, or so I'd thought. My goal had to be to get through this without any drama, or as little drama as possible. Drama would make the situation infinitely worse. And now, I was wondering if I'd made the right choice.

I'd decided quickly and hadn't really thought it through. Had I let lust drive me to be a 'dumb boy', as my sister used to say? Had I made a decision to please Tasha at the expense of my marriage? I didn't really think it would come to that, but certainly our agreement was in jeopardy, and most likely, over. Had Tasha been worth THAT? Maybe she had, and if that was what Jessica decided, I'd live with it.

"I guess," I finally said. "Jason and Stephie were as close as I've ever been with Kathy or Bethany, minus the sex."

"Not everyone is so free in that regard!" Kara observed. "But, on the topic of death, can you imagine how upset Jesse would be if something happened to Francesca? And he's not even two yet."

"True," I said. "But seriously, I do think that after ten years, I have a different perspective on things. And not just with Birgit."

"Who else?"

"Bethany, obviously. But also Karin, Jennifer, and Becky. We've talked about that last one quite a bit."

"True. I suppose I'll leave you to your journal then. I'll come get you for lunch."

"What time is Jess getting up?" I asked.

"2:00pm. She wanted some extra sleep. She has her shift at 5:00am tomorrow, as usual. You remember her shift on Wednesday is only twelve hours, right?"

"I remember. See you at lunch."

Kara left, and I went back to writing. It seemed like only a few minutes before she was back for lunch, but it had been more than an hour. I saved my journal file to the hard disk in my new Mac, ensuring it was protected with a password. I got up and joined Kara, Elyse, Matthew, and Kristin for lunch. Of course, the babies had bottles of juice and some baby food, while we had soup, sandwiches, and chips.

When we finished eating, we went back to the great room so that Kara and I could watch the race from Atlanta. I was a bit melancholy because of Stephie, but with Bill on the pole, and him starting out leading 33 laps, I felt good. He'd won two of the last three races since Stephie had died, and was looking good today. If this was a portent for the '88 season, he had a good shot at fulfilling his promise to Stephie to win the Winston Cup for her.

By the time Jessica got out of bed, Bill had the race well in hand, and was pulling away from Dale Earnhardt. I was going to turn off the race to talk to Jessica, but she said she had a few things to do and I should watch the end of the race. Bill ended up winning by twelve seconds over Earnhardt as he cruised to an easy win. He'd led just over half the laps, and other than Earnhardt, there hadn't been any real competition for most of the race.

"Let's go find Jess," I said to Kara after the Victory Lane celebration for Bill.

We got up and found her in the study, using one of the computers.

"Hey, Babe, you almost done?" I asked.

"I'm done. I just finished entering my new procedures in the spreadsheet. I did a lumbar puncture this week, and last night I did my first tracheostomy."

"I'll get some lemon tea and we'll sit in the Indian room," I offered.

"And you can tell me about Tasha!" Jessica laughed.

I was going to tell her about Tasha, but she wasn't going to be laughing, that was for sure. I went to the kitchen and made the tea, and ten minutes later, the three of us were in the Indian room. I briefly considered not telling Jessica, but the deceit would eat at me, just as it would have if I had never told Kara about Becky.

"How did it go?" Jessica asked.

"She's very happy," I said. "But there was a complication."

"Complication?" she asked.

"Penny talked to Tasha and gave her some 'pointers', which led to the complication. Tasha started taking birth control pills on Penny's advice and insisted that for her first time, we not use a condom."

Jessica's face clouded, and she set her mug on the low table. Kara looked like she was about to say something, but I made eye contact and implored her to be quiet.

"And you did it with her without a condom?"

"Yes."

"And you felt what Tasha wanted was more important than our agreement?"

"Jess, I'm not going to try to defend a position that isn't defensible," I said. "I made a decision that I thought was the right thing to do."

"How could you think that was the right thing to do? What are you going to do if she gets pregnant?"