Chapter 21: «Lagom»

October 25, 1987, Chicago, Illinois

"You've been quiet since we left the church," Kara said, as I merged onto the Dan Ryan from the Eisenhower.

"Just thinking," I said.

"About Stephie?"

"Some, yes. And Jess. And you. And the kids. Life, I guess. The important stuff."

"You're still looking for meaning, aren't you?"

"I think it's going to be a lifelong quest," I said. "Sensei Jim was right about that. Anala, too. And, in his own way, Father Basil said the same thing."

"We haven't seen Anala in quite some time," Kara noted.

"Dinner back in January was the last time. I've talked to Anala once since then, but I know Prajesh doesn't really like it when we talk. I'll invite them for Thanksgiving."

"He's a funny one," Kara said. "I don't know that I've ever met anyone quite so conservative. Even my dad wasn't THAT conservative."

"True."

"Do you think we'll go to church again soon?" Kara asked.

"Do you want to?"

"I like the music, prayers, and incense. And everyone there is so nice, and seems so real, not like the fake people at Grace Church."

"I agree, but you know the challenges. It'll probably be a spur-of-the-moment thing like it was this morning."

"What about Jess?"

"It's going to be tough until she finishes this first year. That can't come soon enough. She was pretty agitated this morning. I think it's a combination of her being tired, stressed, and under intense pressure to perform."

"From herself as much as anyone else," Kara said. "She's really driving herself hard."

"She is. I guess she's been doing that since she started college, but now the hours are insane."

"What can we do for her?"

"Love her," I said. "We can't really change her schedule and I can't see her backing off. All we can do is try to help her. Doctor Barton directly warned me about this. It's how he ended up divorced the first two times."

"Maybe he could talk to her," Kara said.

"I was thinking about that. The person who drives her hardest, other than herself, is Doctor Barton. She needs to talk to someone like Bethany."

"But not her?"

"I'm not sure. I'm going to call Bethany when we get home and talk to her. The problem will be getting Jess to admit that there's a problem and talk to someone."

"She's as stubborn as you are!"

"Excuse me?" I said with mock offense.

Kara giggled, "You are perhaps the most stubborn man I've ever met!"

"Because I wouldn't give up on you?" I asked.

"Among other things!"

"I could say the same for you! Not talking to me for months and months!"

"We're quite the pair, aren't we?" she laughed.

"And Jess is equally stubborn," I said. "And driven."

"So are you," Kara said.

"And you."

"A lot of our friends are — Bethany, Sofia and her friends, Melanie."

"I suppose that's true," I said. "All of us are pretty driven. Well, not Elyse. She's about as mellow as anyone I know."

"She's always been that way, with one exception."

"Crazy, over-the-top sex?"

"Yes. But even that's toned down now."

I pulled into the driveway and parked, and we got out of the car.

"Dada!" Jesse squealed when he saw me.

"Hi, Jesse! What are you doing?"

"Playing!"

"Playing what?"

"With my ball."

"Two boys from the playgroup are going to be here in a few minutes," Jennifer said. "Where were you?"

"Kara and I went to church," I said.

"Church? Seriously?"

"Yes," I replied. "The Orthodox Church we went to for Pascha the last couple of years."

"And they approve of you and Jessica and Kara? And would they approve of me and Josie?"

I sighed, "No to both."

"So why?" she asked.

"I don't know. It's part of my spiritual journey. Just like my time with Anala."

"You aren't going to find your answers in a church that objects to my marriage to Josie," she replied with a frown.

"I don't know where I'm going to find the answers, Jen. But I'm not going to stop looking."

"Kara, what do you think about this quest?"

"I think that you were with Steve after Birgit died, so you should understand. Stephie died, and he's looking for answers. None of us know where he's going to find them. But if we love him, we have to give him the freedom to look."

"You're right," Jennifer said. "Sorry, Steve."

"It's OK, Jen," I said.

"Steve?" Elyse said from the door. "Tasha is here."

"Thanks. I'll be right in."

"Did you decide on your costume for Saturday?" Elyse asked.

"I did!" I chuckled.

"Good. We'll have about sixty people here, I guess. Nick and Karl are bringing five or six single guys from RTC."

"All officers?" I asked.

"I guess. He didn't say."

"Well, let me know if I need to do anything," I said. "Have fun, Jesse! Daddy has to talk to a friend. Jen, we can talk later if you want."

"Dada! Kiss!" Jesse insisted.

I scooped him up, kissed his forehead and put him back down, then turned to walk into the house where Tasha was waiting.

"Hi," she said, shyly.

"Hi! Let's go make some lunch and then we can talk."

I made soup and sandwiches, and poured some potato chips in a bowl. I set everything on a tray, and asked Tasha to follow me to the Indian room. We sat on floor pillows at the low table to eat our lunch.

"Father Basil said that he misses seeing you at church," I said.

"When did you see him?"

"This morning. Kara and I went to Saint Innocent for Matins and Divine Liturgy."

"I haven't felt like going to church. It's a long drive from IIT to Carol Stream and I'm just not motivated enough to go."

"Why is that? If you don't mind my asking."

"It just doesn't do anything for me. We spend all those hours in church and I feel the same when I leave as when I got there. And I don't agree with everything the church teaches."

I smiled, "I know about that from past experience."

"You're married to two girls and one of your closest friends is a lesbian married to another girl! Hasn't Father told you what the Church thinks of that?"

"He didn't need to," I said. "I knew it from what I've read. Jennifer actually just asked me about that. All I can say is that I'm searching for answers, especially after my friend Stephie died. And I think you're searching for answers, too, just to different questions."

She nodded and took a bite of her sandwich, then ate some of her soup. I did the same, waiting for her to raise whatever it was she was ready to talk about. Actually, I was pretty sure what her core concern was, but I didn't know how she'd approach it, or even what it was that she ultimately wanted. There was more to this than sex, though sex was a big part of it. In many ways, she reminded me a lot of Kara, though her situation didn't seem to be quite as controlled as Kara's had been.

"How did you end up with two wives? And kids by Jennifer and Elyse?" Tasha asked, between bites of her sandwich.

"That's a really long story," I smiled. "I'll give you the short version and start with the one that's easiest and most complicated at the same time. Jennifer and I have known each other since seventh grade. We became friends in eighth, and lovers in ninth. She was always confused about relationships, and she didn't figure out why until she went to college at Stanford. We had talked about getting married some day, and having kids, but obviously given that she prefers girls, that couldn't happen. She and Josie wanted a baby, so I helped them."

"But if she didn't like sex with guys..."

"It's complicated, and you would have to talk to her, but we managed to get her pregnant despite that."

"And Elyse?"

"That one is very simple — she wanted kids and doesn't want to be tied down to one guy. We've known each other since ninth grade and we've been lovers since we first met. She's lived with me the entire time I've been in Chicago. We had a two-bedroom apartment before this, and she decided I was the perfect guy to be a dad to her kids."

"Does she have a boyfriend?"

"No. She did, but he moved back home to Spain. She'll start looking once we have our second kid in a couple of years."

"I guess you've been with lots of girls?"

"I have," I said. "I don't have the same viewpoint on sex that a lot of people, probably most people, have."

"Do you do it with just anyone?"

I shook my head, "No. I have some pretty clear rules for myself that keep me out of trouble, at least to a point. I'd never, ever fool around with someone's steady girlfriend or wife, or someone where that kind of relationship could cause problems with someone important to me. Then there are girls to whom my wives would object. And finally, people at work have to be pretty much off limits."

"Oh!" she said, her face falling.

"Tasha, forget the rules for the moment. As Jennifer always reminded me, there are exceptions to every rule."

"So, how do you decide who to be with?"

I chuckled, "Believe it or not, it's usually the girls that decide."

"But you say 'no' to some girls?"

"Yes, of course! I may have been with lots of girls, but I don't do it with just anyone."

"How do you decide?"

"I have to want to be with them; there has to be some chemistry and some attraction."

"So, how did you end up with two wives?"

"The short version is that Kara recognized early in our relationship that I'm not wired for monogamy. As for Jess, she saw what happened to her mentor and decided that she wanted to find a way to avoid it. She works ninety-six hours a week in very long shifts, and she's under crazy amounts of stress. Her mentor ended up divorced twice while he was training to be a doctor. So she found a situation that she felt could avoid that."

"And they're OK with you being with other girls?"

"In the right circumstances, yes."

"None of you believe in one man and one woman married for life?"

"Sofia does. Bethany does. So do Julia, Cindi, Jackie, and most of my friends. At least with regard to themselves. They don't worry about what anyone else does. And that's the most important thing — each person decides for themselves what's right for them, and nobody condemns them for it."

"How do I know what's right?" she said, sounding exasperated. "I hear so many different things! My parents, Father Basil, my brother, my friends, and TV all say different things. Well, not quite, my parents and my priest pretty much say the same thing — that you have to wait until marriage and only be with that person forever."

"There's nothing wrong with that, if it's right for you. And that's what it comes down to. Only you can decide what's right for you."

"And you don't have to be in love?"

"That's another thing that's up to each person. There are people who will do it without any emotional feelings at all, just for the pleasure, or whatever. There are people who will only do it with someone they truly love. For me, it's kind of in-between. I want to at least be friends with the person. One-night-stands with random people I've just met just don't hold any real attraction for me, though that has happened on rare occasions."

We finished our lunch, and I took the tray with the dirty plates and bowls to the kitchen and brought back two Cokes. I handed her a bottle, and she set it on the table.

"Would you kiss me?" Tasha whispered.

I took her hand and helped her up. I pulled her gently to me and her arms went around my neck as mine encircled her waist. I lowered my head and our lips met softly. Tasha's embrace tightened, and she pulled me close, molding her body to mine. Her lips parted and our tongues met. She moaned softly into my mouth as our kiss deepened. I very much enjoyed the feel of her firm body and small breasts that were pressing against my chest. She broke the kiss, gasping for air.

"Wow!" she breathed, not releasing the tight embrace.

"That was really sexy," I said with a smile.

"That was my first real kiss," she said softly.

That was both surprising and not surprising at the same time. I hadn't expected it, but as I thought about it, it didn't surprise me. She was from a conservative family that attended a conservative church. She wasn't ignorant the way Ruth or Sandy had been back in Milford, she was just inexperienced. But the kiss had been fantastic, nonetheless.

"Then I'm greatly privileged," I said with a smile.

"I gave a couple of good-night kisses after dates, but nothing like that!" she gushed.

I had to be careful now not to allow her to let her body run away with her mind, though I was sorely tempted to throw caution to the wind. For the first time since I'd been with Penny, with the exception of my romance with Jessica, I had a real desire to be with someone and no second thoughts. I lowered my lips to hers and she kissed me back fiercely, squeezing me tightly and pressing her groin hard against mine.

Intended or not, she got the reaction that her body demanded, and my hardening dick pushed back against her. I lowered my hands, cupped her small, firm butt, and pulled her hard against me. Tasha moaned loudly into my mouth and she shivered. She broke the kiss, gasping for air, and let her arms fall from me, so I released her. She was flushed, and breathing hard. She took a couple of deep breaths, then picked up her Coke and drank several swallows.

I waited to see what Tasha would do and wasn't too surprised when she sat down in one of the basket chairs. I sat down in one next to her and waited.

"I ... uh ... I ... wow!" she finally said.

"I agree," I said.

"I guess you want to do it with me?" she asked quietly.

"Yes, I do. But only if that's what YOU want, Tasha."

"I think I do," she said.

"When you're sure, then come back and ask," I said gently. "When you're sure."

"And you'll make it really good and teach me everything?" she whispered.

I smiled, "Yes. Absolutely."

She smiled nervously and finished her Coke. I sipped mine, watching her carefully. There was no doubt in my mind that she'd be back, probably relatively soon, to cash in on the promise that I'd just made. My only regret was my promise to Jessica about using condoms, but I completely understood her concern, and there was no question that AIDS was a real risk, and one that I wanted to avoid. It couldn't be cured with a shot of antibiotics like the most common strains of VD, and it was, basically, a death sentence. And of course, there was the issue of birth control as well. I already had more than enough children, either born, developing, or planned.