Chapter 18: Saying Goodbye

October 2, 1987, Chicago, Illinois

"Steve?" I heard Elyse call out, just as I finished reading the prayer.

"Indian room," I answered with a hitch in my voice.

"Stephie?" she asked as soon as she saw me.

"Yeah," I nodded, sagging and collapsing into one of the basket chairs.

She carefully sat in my lap, putting her arms around my neck.

"Are you OK?"

"At the moment, yes."

"When?"

"Around 1:15pm our time, I guess."

"And the funeral?"

"Wednesday. I don't have a plan yet, but I think it makes sense to drive down on Tuesday morning, and come back on Thursday. I have to talk to Jess and Kara, but I think that's what we'll do."

"You have room for me, right?"

"Are you going to bring Matthew?"

"I don't think so. That's a lot of traveling for the little guy, and he won't have a clue what's going on."

"Then yes, there's room. You, Jessica, Kara, and me in my car. I know that Kathy and Kurt are planning to go. I need to call them. And Sensei Jim, as well."

"What were you doing when I came home?"

"Praying," I said.

"Praying?" she asked. "Seriously? You?"

"I didn't know what else to do. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but I felt like I needed to do SOMETHING."

"Did it help?" she asked.

"It didn't hurt."

"Don't go off the deep end with that," Elyse said gently.

"I won't," I sighed. "It's just not fair!"

"You used the 'F' word! Wow!"

I was about to respond when Jessica came to the door of the Indian room.

"Tiger? Elyse? What's going on?" she said.

"Stephie," Elyse said softly. "She died about an hour ago. Steve got the call at work and just walked out. I came home to check on him."

"Oh, Tiger, I'm so sorry. How are you?"

"OK, I suppose. Ask me again Wednesday."

"That's when the funeral is?"

"Yes."

"Let me go call the hospital and arrange the time off. When would we leave and come home?"

"I was thinking of leaving Tuesday morning and coming back on Thursday, leaving there early in the morning."

"OK. Let me see what I can work out," she said, leaving the room.

"I need to call Kathy and Sensei Jim," I said.

Elyse got out of my lap and I stood up. I walked slowly to my study to make the phone calls. Kathy was home and answered the phone on the second ring.

"I'm so sorry, Steve. Is there anything I can do?" she said when I told her.

"No," I said, then told her what I knew about the funeral and our plan to drive down and back.

"Let me talk to Kurt and figure out what we're going to do. We'll be there for sure."

"Thanks, Kathy. I know, somehow, that she'll appreciate you being there."

"What about tomorrow night?" she asked.

"I see no reason to cancel. Stephie would be really pissed if we did."

"You're taking this pretty well, compared to what I know about how you reacted to Birgit's death."

"I had time to prepare. As I said to Jess, we'll see how Wednesday goes."

"We'll all be there for you, no matter what you need."

"Thanks," I said.

We said our goodbyes and hung up. I dialed Sensei Jim's number.

"Stephie died early this afternoon," I said.

"Damn," he said, grimly. "Even knowing that it was coming, it still hurts. Are you doing OK?"

"So far, yes. The funeral will be on Wednesday, somewhere around Dawsonville, Georgia. I'll get the details tonight and let you know."

"The closest major airport is Atlanta Hartsfield, right?"

"Yes," I said.

"OK. Get me the details as soon as you can, but I'm going to book a flight down on Tuesday afternoon and home on Thursday. I'll have Jolene lead classes while I'm gone, because obviously you aren't available to do it."

Jolene was a 1st Dan black belt who I'd leapfrogged when I received my 2nd Dan stripe before her, despite her having been a black belt longer.

"I'll let you know more details tomorrow morning at class," I said.

"Thanks."

We hung up, and I decided to call Bethany. I hadn't really had much chance to talk to her, though I had seen her for a few minutes before the Saturday night girls and guys gatherings. She wasn't home, so after a quick internal debate, I left a brief message on her machine asking her to call and telling her why. I hung up, opened the desk drawer, took out my pipe, tobacco, and a box of matches, and went out to the back yard to smoke.

"I have the days off," Jessica said when she came outside a few minutes later.

"Good," I said, puffing on the pipe that now had a new meaning.

"That's the pipe she gave you?" Jessica asked.

I nodded, "It is."

"I'll take care of dinner tonight. Do you still want to go to the movies?"

I sighed, "If I put my life on hold, Stephie would be angry with me. It sure didn't help when Birgit died. So yes, let's go to the movies."

"Don't try to hold it all in, Tiger. That's a recipe for disaster."

"I know. But I've cried a lot already. Stephie told me that once she got the diagnosis, she and Red cried a lot, but eventually, they had cried themselves out and got on with life. If she can do it facing certain death, I sure as hell better be able to do it with a long life in front of me."

"You're handling this better than I expected."

"Better than I expected, too. Wednesday is going to be tough. What's your schedule look like?"

"I have the week off. Technically, I'm not allowed to take vacation yet, but this is the easiest way for them to handle it. It means I'll only get one week in the Spring."

"Thanks for doing this for me, Babe," I said.

"Steve?" Kara said, coming into the backyard. "Elyse told me. Are you OK?"

"I'm fine. I suppose every single person I know is going to ask that question over the next few days."

"That's because we all care about you. When do you plan to leave for Georgia?"

I gave her my tentative plan, and she went to call her professors and let them know that she'd miss classes on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I stayed in the back yard, puffing on my pipe until the tobacco was gone. Jess sat with me, holding my right hand, because I was using the left for the pipe. About twenty minutes later, Elyse came outside and said that Bethany was on the phone.

"I'm fine," I said, before she could even ask.

"Been getting that question a lot, I guess," Bethany replied.

"Everyone is worried about me reacting badly," I said. "But I've known this day was coming for nearly a year."

"If you need someone to talk to, I'm here," she said.

"I know. And we do need to sit down and talk. We really haven't done that since the wedding."

"You were just giving Nick and me space, and we both appreciate it. I heard from my dad a few minutes ago that they dropped the charges against Ed. He said the prosecutor filed a motion for something called nolle prosequi."

"Latin for 'decline to proceed'. They could refile the charges, I think."

"That's what my dad said, but because they have no evidence except the gun being in Ed's car, and they have the video evidence of his car being somewhere else, and a witness who said he saw the guy alive after Ed left, they don't think they can get a conviction. If something turns up, they can try again. But Ed gets his bond back and can go back to school next semester."

"That's good. I'll see you tomorrow night and we can get together after the funeral."

"Call me if you need anything. I mean it."

"I promise."

I hung up and walked out of my study just as my sister was coming into the kitchen.

"I heard," she said. "Did anyone tell Jorge?"

"I haven't. I only found out a couple of hours ago."

"I'll call him," Stephanie said. "I bet he'll want to go to the funeral."

"Probably, it's Wednesday, but I don't have any details."

"She was Catholic, right?" Stephanie asked.

"Yeah, about like you and I are. But her mom was pretty devout. I'm sure it'll be a Catholic funeral."

"You're doing OK?"

"For the thousandth time today, yes!" I huffed. "I'm fine!"

"Relax, Big Brother. We all care about you."

"I know," I sighed. "But every single person is asking that question and it's getting on my nerves. I'm sad. I'm not crying right now because I'm numb, I guess. Everyone is expecting me to break down the way I did eight years ago. But this is different. I've had time to prepare. I've been talking to Father Basil, Sensei Jim, Stephie, and other people about this since she told me about her prognosis."

"Elyse said you were praying when she came home."

"I couldn't think of anything else, so that's what I did. It just felt like the right thing to do."

"What was that, Tiger?" Jessica asked, coming into the kitchen.

"I was reading the Orthodox prayer for the departed when Elyse came home. I couldn't think of what to do, so that's what I did. But right now, I'd prefer not to talk about it at all. I just want to relax, have dinner, and then go to the movies as we planned."

"Fawn will be here at 7:00pm to sit with Matthew and Jesse," Elyse said.

"Josie and Jennifer decided to go with us?" I asked.

"Yep! Only Charlie is skipping because she has a date. She'd never let a movie get in the way of a good fuck!"

I laughed, "And how do you know that it's good?"

"She's skipping the movie for it!" Elyse smirked.

"Good point!"

"Speaking of which, with Jessica working tomorrow and Kara having her chemistry study group, are you free for a few hours?"

"I think I can make some time for you," I said.

"Are you still having the guys over tomorrow night?" Jessica asked.

"Yes. I don't see any reason to cancel."

Stephanie came back into the kitchen just then.

"I talked to Jorge. He wants the details. I think he's planning to drive down for the funeral."

"Are you going to come along?" I asked.

"No, I don't think so. I have a group presentation on Wednesday. If it was a relative, I could probably be excused, but I didn't know her that well. I'd go for Jorge's sake, but without an excused absence, I don't think I can."

"How are things with the two of you?" I asked.

"We see each other every so often. I like him, but I just can't tie myself down right now."

"You're only twenty, and unlike me, in no rush to marry and have kids."

"That's for DAMN sure!" she said with a laugh.

"Bethany told me that Ed is off the hook. The prosecutor dismissed the case. He could refile, but given the evidence, that's not likely."

"Finally!" Stephanie exclaimed. "So he just misses one semester?"

"So it seems," I confirmed.

"Dinner's almost ready," Jessica said. "Would you round up the gang?"

"Sure," I said, walking out of the kitchen.

I heard my sister talking to Jessica as I left.

"He seems like he's doing OK," she said.

"Yes, but we need to keep an eye on him," Jessica said.

I sighed. My family's attention was weighing me down more than Stephie's death, and that just felt wrong. I knew it was because they cared and were worried about me, but it was driving me to distraction. I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to relax. It was going to be a long week.

October 3, 1987, Chicago, Illinois

"I need to nurse our little bundle of joy," Elyse said, as we cuddled in bed.

"You leaked all over me that last time you came!" I chuckled.

"My boobs feel like water balloons! I'm not that big, usually!"

I got out of bed and got Matthew from his crib, and brought him to Elyse. She got him settled in and he latched on to her nipple and began to suck. I got into bed next to her and cuddled her while he ate.

"I wonder what he thinks about his parents fooling around in the room when he's here." I chuckled.

"In this house? He better get used to the idea!" Elyse laughed. "But he's only four months old, so I don't think he knows what's going on."

"He's behind schedule, if Jesse is the standard! Jesse had his first kiss before he was four months old!"

"And if Kara has a girl, are you going to be OK with HER doing that?"

"You know perfectly well I don't have double standards. I have no problem with that, so long as coercion isn't involved, and she's not in any danger."

"It's easy to say now; we'll see how you are in fifteen years if Kara has a girl. What will your sauna rules be?"

"Bethany is worried about mixing adults and teens, and even mixing teens outside the family. She thinks some parents might have serious problems with it. I hate to think where society is heading."

"It won't be a problem with close friends, but others? You'll have to be very careful. And when Jesse brings Francesca over for her first sauna, that might well be the breaking point with Carol."

"I could always invite her first," I chuckled. "I think she's safe now with Stan in the picture, but I think she might be too uptight to be naked in the sauna with a group. We're going to have to teach all the kids to be careful about what they say and to whom they say it. If we don't, we'll have DCFS and the cops here. Society simply can't handle the idea that nudity and sex don't go together. I'm sure that there's some group of people who would have a fit that we're naked in bed together while you're feeding our son!"

"The same stupid assholes that make it illegal to breastfeed in public," Elyse growled. "I'm sorry, but if the sight of a boob being used to feed a baby gets their panties in a twist, THEY have the problem, not me."

"On that I agree."

Elyse switched sides so that Matthew could nurse from her other breast.

"Think he'll get a chip on his shoulder like Jesse did?" she asked.

"For Kara? Or for when you have your second one?"

"Either."

"Nah," I replied. "He already has a Big Brother, so I don't see him getting that kind of attitude. Now, if Kara has a girl, the two boys might decide to pack up and leave! This place is already estrogen-overloaded!"

"And who's to blame for THAT, Mister?"

"Me. You know, watching him nurse makes me marvel at life, but then I remember that Stephie is dead, and I don't understand. It makes no sense to me."

"Me either. I can't imagine dying that young. Really, I can't imagine dying at this point. My parents and grandparents are all still alive. I didn't know Birgit, and I barely knew Joyce's grandfather. Stephie is the first person I was really close to who died. It's a weird feeling. Part of me thinks that she's just in Georgia, like she always has been, but then I remember that she's dead. It's crazy."