I awoke confused; the bed beside me was empty, thank God! But that still didn’t explain the who of it from last night, because I know for damned sure the woman I fucked last night wasn’t my wife, although I’m pretty sure she was family.

‘Start at the beginning, ‘ I thought, let’s go over the events and see just what we can figure out.

Karen and I had been invited to a party at her parents’ house. Well, they call it a house; it’s pretty palatial by my standards with eight bedrooms, plus a separate attached dwelling or granny flat they are sometimes called. Mind you, they needed it; Karen is the oldest of six kids, with two brothers and three sisters to be exact.

Brian and Wendy, her Mum and Dad, are ‘doing well for themselves’ as they will tell anyone who asks, not that they like to brag. I get on very well with them both, despite coming from a ‘challenging’ background. My Dad abandoned my Mum when he got her pregnant and my Mum abandoned me to a drug habit that eventually took her life by the time I was seven. I spent the next ten years in council foster care, constantly being moved in the early days from one place to another as the carers struggled to cope with my attitude as well as my total resistance to being controlled. What none of them noticed was that I was completely and utterly bored as I have a genius level IQ and as a child a very limited tolerance for people who tried to treat me as a child. That was until I was placed in the care of Bill and Emily Sanders.

I pulled my usual bag of tricks on them, asserting my independence, but to my surprise they took it all in their stride and even taught me a trick or two when it came to getting their own way. It was Emily who started me reading some of what are termed the classics and not stupid storybook cartoons or thinking that kids television might just be interesting enough to keep me in one place. Emily managed to turn the key in a lock and suddenly there was an incredible world in front of me. I voraciously read every classic in her collection and started down at the local library, going through anything that took my fancy.

It was Bill and Emily who took on my school and got them to promote me towards a private scholarship at a local public school. Whilst at first I struggled with being amongst ‘toffs’, my academic achievements soon had me amongst a select group being pushed hard towards achieving the highest levels of education. I also met Karen there and, whilst not as bright as I am, she captured my heart and never let it go despite a frequently stormy relationship in which we often split, indulged in a new boyfriend/girlfriend, but always ended up back with each other.

We both took each other’s virginity at age fifteen. Went at it like rabbits for a couple of months before splitting and trying out new territories ... so to speak, before returning to give each other the benefit of our experiences and so on until after Uni when we decided to marry and put aside childish things ... such as other lovers ... I thought.

I first met Karen’s family shortly after we started having sex and although I’m damned sure her mother at least knew what we were up to, she never put any obstacles in our path, even if, ostensibly, we slept in separate rooms.

Karen’s mother and the sisters all could have come out of the same mould, blonde, blue eyed, shapely, same height, same vital statistics, though five different personalities, they may have superficially looked alike, but that’s where it ended as they reacted and acted very differently from each other.

Wendy, the mother, was (normally) cool, calm and very, very organised. She ran the household with all the skill of a military planner and nothing seemed ever to faze her, not even Karen’s over-active (at times) sex drive where we’d often enough go at it as and when we could, with no thought as to who might catch us, which Wendy occasionally did to her initial shock and later amusement. That said she did have her ditzy side and often caused hilarity at family gatherings by saying things out loud that she really ought to have kept to herself.

Jill was the next oldest, married to Neville who looks like a chinless wonder but is in truth a very funny guy to talk to. I know they are trying for a kid, but so far no luck. Jill doesn’t like me, I don’t know why and if Karen does, she’s failed to mention it. We manage OK in groups, but if it’s us two, Jill simply gets up and leaves. Our last invitation to a family get together at Jill’s only had Karen’s name on the invite. Karen said it was an oversight, I have my doubts.

Megan was the next in line, engaged to Tony for what seems like forever, but is only a couple of years if that. Of the three other sisters I like her the best, she’s smart witty and treats me like a real brother. If I hadn’t ended up with Karen, Megan is the one I’d probably go for. Tony I can take or leave, he’s a total nonentity who often enough mistakes sarcasm for humour whilst lacking a sense of humour himself as far as I can tell.

Kirstie (with an ‘ie’) is the youngest, barely eighteen and ready to take on the world. She’s loud, sassy and opinionated, typical anarcho-socialist student type. We like each other, but never discuss politics, mostly because she throws a huff if she thinks I’m mocking her (which I do) by pointing out the several flaws in anarchism as well as Marxist economics. She declares it will be a paradise, I point out it will be a colder version of Somalia. We agree to disagree, though sometimes I suspect she knows the truth and is playing a part to wind up her older brother who’s a Tory councillor, as her school grades are very impressive and she has a grasp on real politics that her brother simply doesn’t.

Adam is the older of the two brothers and is sandwiched between Karen and Jill. He’s the councillor and is so far up his own arse when it comes to party politics, it isn’t funny. He’s married to Fiona and I wonder if Wendy and Brian keep a whole lot of Karen type clones ready to unwrap as Fiona could almost be a twin of the girls. I also suspect she’s the brains of the outfit and I’m also pretty sure she eggs Kirstie on too.

Ben is between Megan and Kirstie, shy, but a nice young man once you get to know him, his girlfriend Donna (another Karen clone) is with him. Wendy totally embarrassed him by asking if they wanted to share a bed. It was Donna who said yes, much to his shock and gratification.

So there we are, one house, seven women, one of them my wife, and another of them walking around with a little bit of me nestling inside of them, yet I hadn’t a clue as to which one ... or why come to that.

At this point I decided that mulling over events wasn’t getting me out of needing to go to the loo and I was also hungry, though fortunately not hung over. Once my ablutions were out of the way I headed downstairs quietly as the house was still in silence. In the kitchen I found a tired if cheerful Wendy loading the dishwasher, dressed in a pink fluffy robe complete with a serious case of bed head.

“Morning, Peter. Your wife is asleep on the couch where she passed out last night,” she chuckled if slightly disapprovingly.

“I did offer to carry her up, but Brian said not to disturb her, after the power went out” I replied.

“I know, I suspect he’s the one who put the moustache on her with marker pen too,” Wendy giggled.

“I’ll catch hell for that,” I chuckled.

“Serves her right for not beating a retreat when she over indulged,” Wendy replied.

“She rarely does except, when with family,” I said defensively.

“Peter, you don’t have to defend her, she’s a good girl and you keep her on the straight and narrow,” Wendy chuckled. “I dread to think how she’d have ended up without you in her life; she was quite the wild child.”

“Well, it’s been a bumpy ride at times for both of us,” I reminisced with a smile.

“Yes, but it was obvious you were made for each other. After all you always got back together, a lot of us admire you for that,” she said with a smile as I boiled the kettle. “Oh and yes please,” she added pointing towards the coffee tin.

“Yes, Mum,” I chuckled as I poured the coffees.

“Call me Wendy!” she admonished as our running name joke was started again.

“Yes, Mum,” I replied and dodged into the living room to see how Karen was doing.

She was pretty much in the same position I’d put her into after she fell asleep after drinking a little too much at the end of a long journey and heavy meal. She did look quite adorable even with the bright green moustache some kind soul had adorned her with in jest.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” I said gently when her eyes flickered open.

“Oh fuck, my head!” she moaned.

Wendy came through with water and painkillers and handed them over silently, though her eyes were twinkling in mirth. Karen sat up, wobbled slightly and then knocked the pills back with a sigh.

“Sorry, hun,” she apologised somewhat sheepishly.

“It’s OK, but you were got at while you were asleep,” I chuckled.

“Oh no!” she moaned as Wendy handed her a small vanity mirror. “Dad!”

“Could have been worse,” I chuckled.

“True, I still have all my clothes on so he didn’t decorate my bum cheeks,” Karen moaned.

“He has?” I asked.

“She was seven and fell asleep after school,” Wendy chuckled.

“Never did that again ... well until now,” Karen sighed.

“Missed you last night,” I said.

“I doubt we’d have gotten up to anything,” she giggled. “Unless you’re going to get into doing me comatose.”

“Nah, I prefer active and enjoying,” I chuckled, glancing surreptitiously at Wendy when I said it.

I couldn’t be sure, but I did think for a second that there was a little pink glow to her cheeks, but I might have been wrong, although Karen and I discussing sex never really bothered her as much as her replies bothered Karen when Wendy went into her own details by way of revenge.

At this point we were joined by Jill and Neville who simply gave their ‘mornings’ from the kitchen before Neville joined us and burst out laughing at Karen.

“Yeah, yeah,” Karen chuckled. “Teach me to fall asleep around my Dad.”

“Well, you weren’t the only one staying down here late. Jill didn’t come up till late,” Neville chuckled.

“Well, some of us hold their drink better,” Jill replied. “Though I hope you’d look after me better than Peter does Karen,” she sniffed dismissively.

“Brian insisted,” I replied. “Then we had the power cut so there was no way I was carrying an unconscious woman around a very dark house.”

“Quite right,” said Wendy giving Jill what I can only call ‘a look’.

“Even so, you could have stayed with her,” Jill went on ignoring the warning signs.

“Dunno, I’d have left you here if you’d passed out too,” Neville interjected with a grin. “As it was I went up and left you partying because I was dropping off myself.”

I could tell Jill wasn’t too happy, but Neville had quite taken the wind out of her sails so she just huffed a little and went back to her coffee. Karen then headed upstairs to sort herself out whilst I helped Wendy to sort out the bits for a breakfast.

Soon we were joined by Megan and Fiona, both of whom started chattering away, helping themselves to coffee and generally getting in the way until Wendy shooed them out of the kitchen.

“Good party though, haven’t laughed like that for ages,” Megan said with a grin from the doorway.

“Well, Brian’s tales of misadventure are always good for a laugh,” I chuckled.

“Yeah, he knows some corkers. But I loved your story on how you were responsible for shutting down the BBC for an hour or so,” she giggled.

“Ah hell, I was only removing some spare cabling. I didn’t realise that part of it was the main outfeed to the antenna,” I chuckled.

“But Peter, you’re the software engineer contracted to rebuild their network, not a cable monkey,” she chuckled.

“One helps where one can.” I replied with a grin.

“If it had been me I’d have sacked you,” Jill commented.

“Good job you never will be in that position, Jill,” I replied calmly with a wink at Megan that Jill couldn’t fail to miss.

“Yeah, but it was all the celebs rushing down to help despite the fact that they didn’t know what they were doing,” giggled Megan with a wink of her own as she’s aware of Jill’s antipathy towards me, although doesn’t know why.

“Human nature,” I chuckled. “I got away with it as whilst everyone was milling about I reconnected the link and it came up with a software error that I was paid to fix.”

“You should have done it for nothing,” Jill said snootily.

“Why? The fault would have happened when the real cable monkeys came along to remove the mess and would have taken a hell of a lot longer to find,” I replied with a grin.

“But you caused it!” Jill stated.

“No, I found it, there’s a difference. The fault was always there. I just discovered it,” I replied, my grin getting larger.

“Give it a rest, Jilly,” Megan added, using Jill’s diminutive kid’s name. “We all know you’ve a cob on for Peter even if you won’t say why, but you’re just being petty and it’s too early for petty.”

“I do not have a ‘cob’ on for anyone,” Jill retorted before turning her back and walking off.

We were then joined by Tony and Ben, Tony immediately placing his arm possessively around Megan as he usually did in my presence; I think I make him insecure for some reason or another though I’d never put a move on Megan ... well, not knowingly.

“Where did you go last night babe?” he asked her.

“You were snoring. I went to the flat to sleep, as Karen,” she said with a giggle, “was occupying the comfy sofa.”

“I don’t snore!” he snapped.

“Next time I’ll record you,” she giggled.

“There won’t be a next time,” he replied and stalked off.

“He just dump you, Megs?” I asked.

“Dunno, we’ll see later. I’m thinking of calling it off anyway,” she said quietly. “I want kids, but I’m not planning on marrying one.”

“We’ll be there for you, come what may,” I replied.

“I know bro,” she replied with a smile as Brian came into the kitchen looking for Karen.

“She’s cleaning her face,” I chuckled.

“Damn, I knew I should have got a picture,” he replied with a grin.

“She might not have forgiven you for that,” I chuckled as Kirstie and Adam arrived bickering as usual, followed by Donna who was shaking her head at the pantomime performances going on in front of her.

“Adam, behave and grab some coffee,” Fiona ordered as Wendy started serving up orange juice as well as getting the grill underway for sausages and bacon.

“Yes, dear,” Adam sighed and broke away from a discussion of Keynesian economics that told me he hadn’t a clue about them.

“Morning, capitalist swine,” Kirstie greeted me.

“Morning, bolshie tart,” I replied with a grin matched by her own as she came up and gave me an unexpected hug.

“God, you smell nice,” she said before heading off to grab some juice.

“Can I help with anything?” Fiona asked.

“Keep Adam from rising to Kirstie’s bait,” I chuckled.

“No way, it’s part of the joy of coming to the family parties,” she giggled. “You went to bed early last night.”

“Sitting in the dark doesn’t do anything for me,” I chuckled. “Particularly as my wife was out of it.”

“True, Adam went soon after too,” she replied.

“You weren’t far off after him,” Wendy added.

“I went up but sat on the balcony and watched the stars, with the power out they were brilliant,” Fiona replied.

“Wish I’d thought of that, but I stayed down to tidy up,” Wendy added.

“Ben went out like a light,” Donna commented. “Wish I’d thought of that too.”

“All that effort into sharing a room and he falls asleep on you?” I chuckled.

“Yeah tell me about it,” she giggled as Ben blushed like mad.

“Tonight,” he murmured as we all laughed.

“Promise?” she giggled.

“I promise,” he replied as Kirstie started singing ‘Ben’s on a promise’.

“At least I’m getting some,” he chuckled.

“Ooh, low blow,” I said with a laugh as Kirstie slapped his head followed by Donna.

“I get mine too, it’s just I haven’t decided on a significant other yet,” Kirstie giggled.

“Doubt any of those hairy trots you hang out with are worth the time,” Neville chuckled.

“Ah, you got me there, Nev,” she giggled. “Politics match, but talk about it being strange bedfellows if I went there.”

“One day my apparatchik will come,” I serenaded her paraphrasing the Snow White song and getting a slap across the head off her in return, though quite a gentle one.

“OK, everyone sit down and I’ll serve up,” Wendy announced as a cleaned up Karen appeared.

We all sat and passed around plates as well as toast and butter and the conversation turned to the power cut we had last night.

“Bloody good job I had my phone for a light or I might just have wandered into the wrong room,” I chuckled.

“Does get a bit dark,” Brian commented.

“A bit dark, Dad?” Kirstie chuckled. “More like the black hole of Calcutta.”

“We have candles,” he said defensively.

“Hard to find in the dark, Dad,” Adam replied.

“You all managed,” he replied with a grin. “Even if you stayed down here to chat.”

“We all turned in about the same time,” Wendy said. “Didn’t like to disturb Karen.”

“Party pooper,” Megan joked at her sister.

“I was wrecked from work and the journey,” Karen replied with a wry smile.

“More like the booze,” joked Fiona.

“That too,” giggled Karen.

“Your husband should have stopped you,” Jill said maliciously.

“He has a name, Jill, and he isn’t a control freak like you,” Karen hit back bitingly.

“No, he’s just a cheating man with all the morals of a tomcat!” Jill snarled.

“I beg your pardon?” I said my stomach going cold.

“You were always breaking up with Karen so you could go fucking tarts,” she said angrily, relieving my tension as she did not drop me in it over last night, assuming it was her, which seemed unlikely.

“You fucking liar!” Karen erupted angrily. “You know nothing about our relationship save only what you make up in your head. Peter never broke up with me for sex ... unlike me, often to my regret.”