Chapter 1: Something Unexpected

Christmas Eve, 1983, Milford, Ohio

-Frank Zappa

When I arrived at the Spencers', following the usual Christmas Eve celebration at my parents' house, I parked in front and walked inside. I was a bit surprised to find the house empty, but there was a note that said that the Spencers were having a joint Christmas dinner with the Carstons. I'd have the house to myself for several hours, so I decided to take a sauna. I walked up the stairs and stopped outside the door to my room.

There was a faint glow coming under the door. I wondered if Melanie had set up the tree in my room, though I thought it odd that she'd do that given what had happened the previous Christmas. I opened the door and saw that indeed there was a tree with lights and a couple of presents under it. But that wasn't all that I saw. My jaw dropped and my eyes went wide.

"Merry Christmas, Snuggle Bear!" Kara gushed.

"Kara? Wha ... What are you doing here?" I asked, recovering just enough from the shock of seeing her to speak.

"It's Christmas Eve, silly! We always spend it together! I put the year ornament on the tree already. I hope that's OK?"

I paused for a moment to try to gather my wits, but I was having a tough time. I decided a bit of levity might help.

"OK. We're not Pam and Bobby Ewing, so I know this isn't a dream!"

"True," she giggled.

"Kara, you broke up with me last Christmas Eve," I said, regaining a semblance of control. "For the last year, you've barely spoken to me! Now you're acting as if nothing has changed!"

"Let's go make some tea and talk. There are still about four hours before midnight," she said with a bright smile.

I was stunned again. I knew EXACTLY what she was implying. When I'd said to Larry that something unexpected always came up, I sure wasn't thinking about something like THIS! To say that I was off balance was the understatement of the century!

"Uh, OK," I stammered.

We walked down to the kitchen and I put the kettle on the stove and turned on the gas burner. I got the teapot from the cupboard along with a pair of cups, then got the tea ball from the drawer and filled it with Earl Grey tea. I stayed silent while I was preparing the tea, trying to gather my thoughts and make sense of everything. One thing seemed clear — that Anala's advice had worked. But to what end? And what did it mean?

When the tea was ready, I poured cups for both of us and we sat at the kitchen table. I didn't even know where to begin this conversation or what to say. I sipped my tea and waited. Kara didn't say anything, so I finally decided to prompt her.

"Why don't we start with what happened last year and work our way forward," I suggested.

Kara nodded, "You know what happened between me and Joyce. I was disgusted by what happened and it just kind of ate away at me. I didn't know how to deal with it, and given my upbringing, I felt it was such a grave sin that I couldn't recover from it. I blamed you, Steve. I blamed you for everything. For leading me down a path of sin; for not protecting me; for my dad's death; for Joyce; everything. I saw you as so sinful, because of all your girls and your sister. When we made love that last time, it just all hit me and I had to get away.

"I was upset, obviously, but it was more anger than anything else at that point. Then mom told me that you had planned to propose and I completely lost it. I cried all night. I realized I'd made a terrible mistake in walking out on you. You were ready to commit to me, and me alone, and I had thrown it all away. I just withdrew from the world. I refused to talk to you because I was both embarrassed and angry. I know you tried so many times, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to you.

"Then you sent me the birthday gift. I refused to open it, but my mom basically forced me to. I saw the bear, and I cried so hard because it drove home just what I'd done. I grabbed the bear and hugged it and wouldn't let go. I wanted to hug you, but I couldn't, so I looked at the shirt the bear had with 'Steve' stitched on it and hugged him tightly. I took him with me everywhere and cuddled him when I slept. He became a substitute for the real thing. I wanted you, but I couldn't have you. So Steve Bear was my substitute.

"When you came to see me, I was torn. I was so happy that you still cared, but sad that I wasn't engaged to you. The happiness wasn't enough, though, obviously. I had no idea how to fix things and I still thought I was damned to hell because of what you and I did, and especially because of what Joyce and I did. I started seeing Doctor Mercer because you insisted I should. At first it didn't help, but eventually it started to.

"I began to think it might be possible to fix things, but you were in Chicago and you had Stephie. I was depressed about everything, but I was making progress with Doctor Mercer. She was starting to help me see that I had a future, that I could eventually be happy, that I could find someone to love me and care for me. That I could put everything that happened behind me. Then Joyce called.

"I freaked out when I heard her voice. When she said she wanted to see me, I didn't know what to do. I told her I was busy, but she insisted and said she was sorry she'd upset me and thought we should talk about it. It just seemed to me like she wanted to do that stuff again, and I was afraid that she'd just show up at the house. I hung up the phone, and I was shaking so bad I just lay on the bed and curled up with Steve Bear. The next thing I knew, I saw you in the hospital.

"You were so nice and you stayed with me. I wanted you to hold me, but I knew that couldn't happen. Having you in the room was as close as I could come. You reminded me that God could love me, even if I'd done things I thought were very wrong. And then, when you were home last time, you said something that upset me, but later, made me think. I was applying my dad's standards and Pastor Kent's standards to what I'd done. Not my own. And I remembered how much I believed that what you and I did was right, even if it wasn't what my dad wanted.

"So, in the end, it was Joyce who was the problem, and what I did with her. And only what I did with her. I told Doctor Mercer that a few weeks later. I never told her what you said to me, even though my mom insisted that I should. My mom still doesn't know about me and Joyce, and I don't want her to. Once I talked to Doctor Mercer about how I felt after you talked to me, it felt like a weight had been lifted. That's when I decided I needed to see you and talk to you.

"The only thing was, I didn't want my mom to know what I was doing. I called Melanie and asked her if she'd help me set this up. I was really happy when I found out that they weren't going to be home and that you were staying here on Christmas Eve. It took a long time to talk her into it, but finally she reluctantly agreed to set it up. She was very concerned about you. Please don't be mad at her. She was worried about what I was proposing."

I drained the last of the tea that I'd been sipping while Kara talked and refilled both our cups. I still had no clue what to do. The biggest concern was that it appeared that Kara wanted to more or less pick up where we had left off, minus the ring, though she might be angling for that as well. Things had changed drastically over the course of the past year, and I was a very different person. Kara no longer knew me, and she didn't know about Jennifer. This was a complicated mess that could easily end up just as badly as last year.

"I won't be mad at Melanie, Kara," I said gently. "I promise. I guess I'm still stunned by you being here and that you seem more or less back to your old self. I wasn't expecting it and wasn't ready for it. A lot has changed since last year. A whole lot. I almost don't know where to start."

"Are you steady with anyone? I'm guessing Stephie is living with you at this point."

I chuckled, "We broke up, and she transferred to Georgia Tech for next semester."

"Oh! Why did you laugh?"

"Because, as I said, a lot has changed. I'm not the same person you used to know; not even close. As for the situation with Stephie, she decided that she belonged with her friend Jason down in Georgia, not me, and I couldn't really argue with her. They've known each other since they were two and finally figured out that they were in love. It was all amicable, and I encouraged her to transfer to Georgia Tech.

"I told you that I bought a house, and Elyse lives there, along with some new friends — Jackie, Katy, Cindi, and Julia. Kathy and Kurt still visit on weekends, and Pete will come by every few weeks now that he's based in Chicago. He accepted a job with the Naval Investigative Service, and he and Melanie are getting married on June 8th, after Melanie's graduation."

Kara laughed, "I'm not surprised that you were living with six girls, well before Stephie left. Are you dating anyone steady?"

"No. But it's not that simple."

"It never was with you, Steve. It was always complicated. I guess you should tell me about Bethany, Karin, and Jennifer."

"You'll need to add a few names, Kara — Tatyana, Sofia, Anala, and Elyse. I can't really explain things without including them. But there are other girls I see from time to time as well. And I may never settle on just one girl."

"Never?! But you want to marry and have kids!"

"Yes, and I didn't say I wouldn't get married, just that I might not settle for just one girl. Elyse wants to have kids with me, but she doesn't want to get married. Jennifer wants to be my life-partner, including having kids, but not necessarily be my wife. She thinks that should be Bethany."

"Bethany would never go for that!" Kara exclaimed.

"As I said, a lot has changed in the past year. Bethany told me last night that she WOULD be OK with that kind of arrangement. I'm not sure if I'm OK with it, but I'm open to the idea. Jennifer's going to be in Chicago the day after tomorrow to spend a week with me. We're trying to put things back together between us. I have no idea where it's going to lead. And she's been dating girls, so that's a seriously open question.

"Tatyana is coming to visit after that, though she and I are pretty much in agreement that our long-term goals don't align in a way that would let us be together. Karin's coming to visit in February, like she did last year. Things with her are kind of just in a holding pattern until we both graduate, but at this point it doesn't look like that's going anywhere, either.

"I'm going to Sweden during the Summer, after Pete and Melanie's wedding. Then in August Sofia is moving to Chicago to go to school. She'll be living at the house. She's very interested in a relationship with me, and I like her a lot, but I don't know if that's going anywhere either. Finally, there's a girl who's really helped me become a better person. Her name is Anala, and our relationship is very different from the others, but she'll likely be with me until she gets married. As I said, it's complicated."

"And as I said," Kara replied, "it was never simple with you. I didn't expect it to be. Actually, I expected you to be more or less steady with Stephie and with your usual collection of other girls on the side."

"Back in July, you would have been correct. Once Stephie and I broke up, I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to be steady with anyone before graduation. Right now, that includes not having anyone permanently sharing my bed the way Stephie did."

"I know you well enough that you have plenty of girls to keep you warm!" Kara giggled.

I chuckled, "Yes, I do. Does Doctor Mercer know that you're seeing me?"

"No. If I'd told her, she'd have told me not to do it."

"Of course she would have," I replied. "And what I see is cause for concern. Why are you here? Why the tree? The year ornament? The gifts? That seems like an attempt to reset back to last year. Does your mom know that you're here?"

"No. I couldn't tell her, either. I said I was going to visit Susie, and she's covering for me. As for what I'm doing here, I thought it was obvious. But I think I might have miscalculated. You're thinking about what happened last year, aren't you?"

"Of course I am!" I replied. "I was crushed, Kara. I didn't give up even when you wouldn't talk to me. I had my dad hang onto the ring for almost a month before he returned it for me. I wrote to you. I called you. You ignored me. You ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it!"

A tear leaked from my eye.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I still love you just as much as I ever did, but I guess you don't feel the same way anymore."

A tear ran down her cheek as well.

"That's the problem," I sighed. "I DO feel the same way. But after a year, I've moved on. I had to. My friends helped me deal with everything and helped me to learn from it and to grow. But it still hurts, Kara. It hurts a lot. I was ready to marry you and you simply walked away from me and wouldn't talk to me! I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't."

"You still love me?" she asked.

"Of course I do. But I'm not sure that matters at this point."

"It does matter!" Kara said fiercely. "I love you. You love me. That's a start."

"A start of what?"

"Just what I said. A start. A new beginning."

"I don't know if I can even think about that, let alone do it," I said.

"Didn't you just say that you loved me?" she asked.

"I did," I sighed. "But it's far more complicated than that. I can't just forget the last year. I'm also worried about you. The fact that you didn't tell your mom or Doctor Mercer what you planned. Not to mention implication before that you wanted to keep our Christmas traditions — all of them."

"You won't even try?" she said, tears streaming down her face.

"I need time to think," I replied. "You need to talk to Doctor Mercer and your mom. I'm not sure that you're ready for any kind of relationship at this point. And I don't even know that I can provide you with what you need, even as a friend."

Kara was crying freely now, her body wracked by sobs. I was afraid that she was going to revert to her semi-catatonic state. That was the last thing I wanted to happen, but I didn't know what I could do to prevent it. She needed comforting, but I had to be careful, given how vulnerable she appeared to be.

Chapter 2 »