Chapter 2: The First Step

June 11, 1978

I must have fallen asleep after the call to Birgit’s family. I woke to a knock on the door.

“Come in,” I croaked.

Stephanie came into my room. She shut the door behind her and locked it. She went into the bathroom and locked the door to Jeff’s room, then came back and sat next to me on the bed.

“How are you, Big Brother?”

“Bad, Squirt. Really bad.”

“I can tell. Mom and Dad have been talking and arguing for over an hour. She wants to ground you basically forever. She thinks that’s the only way to make you change your behavior. Dad doesn’t agree. He actually is arguing for no punishment because of how devastated you are. I’m not sure what’s going to happen.”

“Whatever happens, happens. Mom can’t change the facts. I loved Birgit more than anything. She’s gone now. And I have to deal with that, even if Mom doesn’t think so.”

“I’m going to try to talk to her when they’re done, but I don’t know if it will do any good.”

“Don’t get in trouble, Steph.”

“I don’t care. She can’t treat you like this. It’s not right!”

“I know, but Mom has to be who she is. You won’t change her.”

“How did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That Mom had sex before she met Dad?”

I couldn’t let on that Dad had told me. If that got back to Mom, Dad would be in real trouble. I didn’t like lying to Stephanie, but I didn’t feel I had a choice.

“It was a guess. She was twenty-five when they met, and she had her own apartment. Think about where they met, too, Squirt.”

“Las Vegas!”

“Yeah, not exactly where you go as a good girl for vacation in 1961!”

“Oh my God! So she did! And you called her a hypocrite!”

“Yep. I’m done playing games about church and morality with her. I told Father Buschmiller that I wasn’t sorry for having sex. Do you think what I did with Birgit was a sin?”

“Well, it was. But I kinda see your point. No, I guess I wouldn’t call it a sin, either. That would make it like dirty or nasty. But it wasn’t, was it?”

“No Stephanie, it wasn’t. It was beautiful and loving, and there is no way I could ever call it a sin. That’s why I don’t go to communion. I wrote that stuff in my journal.”

“Yeah, but I’m confused about some of the moral and religious stuff you write in there. I don’t really understand it. But I understand love. And I see how much you really loved her.”

“I did, Squirt, I did. I do. I always will.”

“So what about Becky?”

“We’re done. Well, I did promise to go there for dinner in a month, but I think we’re done. I have to call her and tell her about Birgit. I’m afraid she’ll think that without Birgit in my life, she can get me back. But I don’t think I want to. Birgit wasn’t the main reason I broke up with Becky.”

I got up, blew my nose, and lay back down on the bed.

“I couldn’t give Becky what she wanted.”

Stephanie interrupted. “Orgasms?” she said with a smirk.

In all this, Stephanie made me smile.

“Squirt, she had plenty of those. Amazing ones. You know what I meant. She wanted to be Mrs. Stephen Adams. Right now. Not after college. Not even after High School. I made the mistake of making love with her. Even though she denied it several times, she felt that was the commitment. I should never have done it. But I can’t undo it. Just like I can’t undo what happened with Jennifer.”

“Wait, you said you were going to call her. Are you talking again?”

“Not yet. She’s ready. But I can’t undo it. All we can do is move forward and see what happens. It’ll be different from what it was because we’re different. We both changed. God, Birgit was so smart. She knew we would change. That’s why she insisted on me dating. Why did she have to die?”

I was crying again. Stephanie lay next to me and hugged me.

“I don’t know, Steve, I don’t know.”

After a couple of minutes, she got up and said, “I should go before Mom comes. Come find me later, OK?”

“Sure. I need to call Becky now. Then I’m going to call Jennifer.”

Stephanie slipped out of the room. I thought about getting the journal out, but I didn’t want to have it out when Mom was certainly coming to find me at some point. There would be time for that later.

I dialed Becky’s number. I was happy that her mom answered.

“Mrs. van Hoek,” I said, “may I please speak to Becky?”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. She said you guys agreed not to talk until dinner next month. She’s pretty upset.”

“Under normal circumstances, I would agree. But things aren’t normal today. It’s really important. Please let me speak to her.”

She paused, as if thinking about it.

“Let me see if she’ll come to the phone.”

I heard her set the receiver down and walk out of the room.

A minute later Becky came on the line. “Hi, Steve,” she said evenly.

“Hi, Becky.”

“I thought we weren’t going to talk until next month when you come to dinner.”

“We weren’t. But something happened I have to tell you about.”

“OK.”

“Birgit died in a boating accident yesterday.”

“What?!” she gasped. “Oh my gosh! How are you doing?”

“Not good. Not good at all.”

“Do you need me to come over? I can get my mom to bring me.”

“No; not today. My mom is freaked out about my reaction and when she found out I had made love with Birgit she went off the deep end. She also knows I’ve been with you. I suspect she’ll call your mom and dad to tell them what terrible parents they are for letting us make love at your house.”

“She knows?”

“I told her. I don’t want to rehash the entire conversation, but I lost my temper and it came out. Just let your parents know. OK?”

“Steve, will you see me before next month? Please?”

“Yes; if that’s what you want. I can’t make any promises about how I’ll feel. Right now I just need friends. OK?”

“Yes. Can I come over in a couple of days? Mom will bring me, I’m sure.”

“My mom might try to ground me permanently, but yes. Come over on Wednesday. We can talk. Nothing more, though? OK? I can’t do anything more than just talk.”

“You know I love you and I’m sorry you lost your friend and that you hurt so badly.”

“Thanks, Becky. Just come after 2:00pm. OK? And you can stay as late as your parents allow.”

“Sure. Bye!”

“Bye.”

I wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but if I could salvage a friendship with Becky, I would.

My next call was to Andreas. I told him what happened and asked for a couple of days off. He told me to take the rest of the week and not worry about it. I thanked him and told him I would see him on Saturday and hung up.

I called Larry. He was doing OK, but was quite sad, of course. We talked for about ten minutes, and I could tell he was really making sure I was OK. I told him to stop by later if he wanted to check on me. He said he would.

Finally, I called Jennifer.

“Hi, Jennifer.”

“Hi, Steve, how are you.”

“About like you would expect, I guess. Broken, hurt, defeated, lost.”

“I’m so sorry. How can I help?”

“Come over and stay with me, please. Until I tell you to leave. Can you do that? Will your mom bring you?”

“What do you mean until you tell me to leave?” Jennifer asked.

“Bring some changes of clothes. We have a lot to talk about. It could take days.”

“Are you being serious? What about your mom?”

“I don’t care,” I sighed. “I don’t think she’ll call the police. That’s the only way she’ll be able to get you away from me. Larry will stop by later, too. Same thing. I’m just going to ignore the grounding.”

“Let me check with Mom. I’ll be right back.”

“Mom will bring me over in about an hour. I’ll bring some extra clothes. She did ask where I would be sleeping.”

“Tell her Stephanie’s room. Stephanie will have no issue with that.”

“OK. See you in an hour.”

“Thanks, Jennifer.”

I stripped off my clothes and got in the shower. I just let the warm water course over me. It felt good and I felt somewhat alive again. I got out of the shower, grabbed a towel to dry off, then walked naked into my room to find Stephanie waiting there. I quickly turned, grabbed my towel from the bathroom, then walked back into my bedroom.

She was laughing. “Impressive.”

Great, I had just flashed my little sister! At least she was being silly about it.

“Oh, shut up. It’s not that great.”

“Well, I haven’t seen any at all since we were little.”

“Good. And I hope it’s a long time before you see another one!”

“I came to warn you that Mom’s looking for you. I know I shouldn’t have been in here when you were in the shower, but I wanted to warn you.”

“Thanks. Jennifer will be here in about 45 minutes. And Larry will likely come by later, too. And Becky is coming on Wednesday.”

“Becky? Why?”

“Because I need all the friends I have to get me through this. And that includes Becky. I told her it’s just as friends.”

“Mom is going to flip her wig. She’s grounding you for the Summer. I think that’s the best Dad could do.”

My temper was starting to flare up again. I could feel it. I didn’t do anything to control it.

“I’m not grounded.”

“What?”

“I’m going to ignore it. What’s she going to do? Kick me out? I’ll move in with Becky.”

“Wait, what would that do?”

“Piss Mom off.”

“But would you sleep with her?”

“I’d marry her.”

“Steve, you can’t be serious!”

“As a heart attack. And I’ll tell Mom that, too. Or maybe I’ll suggest Melanie’s house so we can have sex in the sauna and invite Michelle over so the three of us can have sex together again.”

“Wait a minute? You and Melanie had sex with Michelle at Melanie’s house? At the same time?”

“Yeah, Squirt. Not in my journal. But it happened. I guess I probably should record things like that so I remember in the future.”

“Whoa! So you’re just going to tell her off?”

“Yes. I know she won’t kick me out. Well, I’m pretty sure. I don’t think Dad would let her. And if she does, I have options.”

“Wow.”

I walked to the kitchen and got a Coke. I saw Mom but just turned and started back for my room.

“Stephen Mark Adams! Come into your dad’s office right now!”

I walked in and shut the door. I sat on the couch and gave my mom the most petulant look I knew how.

“You are grounded for the Summer. No going out except for work and Summer school. No friends visiting. No telephone calls. And you will go to church every Sunday. You will go to confession and you will make things right with Father Buschmiller.”

My temper had already begun flaring up. The church stuff put me right over the top. I just didn’t care now.

“I am not going to church unless I want to. I will not go to confession unless I want to. And I don’t want to. I have nothing at all to confess. That requires repentance, and if you think I’m going to repent for making love with Birgit, you are wrong. Jennifer will be here in about 30 minutes. Larry is coming later. Becky is coming on Wednesday.”

“They are not. They will not be allowed in this house.”

“I hope you’re prepared to call the police. That’s the only way you can stop it.”

“I will call their parents.”

“Well, I suppose that might work with Becky’s mom, but I’m not sure. As for Jennifer’s mom, good luck. She knows about Jennifer and me. That we were lovers. And Mrs. Higgins will be on my side as well. So, yeah, go call the parents.”

I had worked up a full head of steam, and wasn’t about to stop.

“As for being grounded?” I continued, “I’ll see my friends when I want to. Here and elsewhere. I have a bike. I have friends who drive. I can walk. So no, I’m not accepting any grounding. The love of my life died and you’re grounding me because of it. Well, I’m not having it.”

“As long as you live in this house young man, you will follow these rules,” Mom said.

“Mom, I’ve followed your rules. I obey the curfew. I tell you everywhere I go, who I’m going with, and where we’re going, I do my chores, I get good grades, I save money. With the single exception of my sex life, which is none of your damn business in any way, shape, or form, you know everything I do.”

The temper was in full control now.

“If you are threatening to kick me out, I’ll go call Mr. van Hoek right now, tell him I made a big mistake, that I do love his daughter, and will marry her. We’ll get engaged immediately. I’ll ask to move in. They have a guest room. Or I might stay in her room, because we’d be engaged. Mr. van Hoek is a lawyer, I’m sure he could sort things out.”

Chapter 3 »