Chapter 3: Trying to Fix Things

June, 1978

On Tuesday evening, after Jennifer left, Melanie called. She asked how I was doing and told her I was better. Instead of feeling like my heart had been ripped from my chest, it just felt like I had a huge hole there. She said she was doing better, but still couldn’t believe that Birgit was gone. That made two of us.

She had called Pete. He was somewhat cold to her, but agreed to meet her for ice cream on Wednesday. I told her that was a good sign. I gave her the same marching orders as that day in the deli. Go apologize. Work it out. Make sure he knew she wanted him back. And that she was sorry.

“So,” she sighed, “what if he won’t take me back?”

“I think he will. Don’t go in with a negative attitude. Make sure he knows how you feel.”

“I will,” she agreed. “What about us?”

“There is no us until you do this, Melanie Spencer. And no sabotaging things with Pete so you can have sex with me. Remember what I said.”

“I do. Will you still be my friend?”

“I never stopped being your friend, Melanie. That’s why I’m doing this. I love you. I hope you know that.”

“I do. I guess I forgot when I got mad at you for not having sex with me.”

“Don’t forget again!”

“Yes, Steve.”

“Go get your boyfriend back.”

“Yes, Steve.”

I called Bethany and asked if it would be OK if I biked over on Wednesday morning. I needed to talk to her and it had to be face to face. She checked with her mom and said to come around 9:00am. I told her I’d see her in the morning.

I called Joyce and let her know. She was very concerned and asked if I needed anything. I told her that for the moment I just needed friends, and if she wanted to stop by on Thursday or Friday, I’d welcome it. She said she’d come by on Thursday afternoon.

I called Anna as well. She expressed her concern and said she wished she could see me before the end of the month. I told her I was doing OK and I had good support from my friends. She told me to call her if I needed to talk. I thanked her and told her I’d call her in a few days.

My last call was to Jennie. She started crying as I told her what happened. She asked if I wanted to come over on Sunday, perhaps I could do some yard work. I knew she wanted to talk and told her to please call my mom and ask her. I’d love to go work in her yard.

I pulled out my journal and started writing. I wrote five pages of my feelings about Birgit and what happened. I decided I needed to put it aside for a few minutes and try to talk to my mom again.

I found Mom and Dad in his office again. I shut the door, like last time.

“Mom. I know I said this before. I know you didn’t think I meant it, but I did. I do need to apologize for how I spoke to you. I completely lost my temper. It was disrespectful. I should not have done it. I was very upset and wasn’t thinking straight. I’m sorry.”

She was quiet again. I waited. Nothing. Dad spoke again.

“Judy, that’s enough. He is apologizing, damn it! This girl he loved died and all you can think about is that they had sex. What is with you?”

She got up and left the room. I started after her.

“Steve, let it be. She’s not ready to hear it. Give her a couple of days.”

“OK, Dad. I owe you an apology as well. I shouldn’t have spoken to Mom that way. I lost my temper. I was out of control. I know why, because I was emotional. But that’s not an excuse. I’m sorry, Dad.”

“Son, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. But you do have to learn to control your temper and your emotions. You really hurt your mom with the way you spoke to her. Wait a few days and try again.”

“Yes, Dad.”

I went back to my room and wrote several more pages in the journal.

Wednesday morning I awoke with a start. It took me a moment to gather my senses. As a morning person, I usually woke up quickly and bounced out of bed. Something was wrong. Then it hit me like a freight train — Birgit’s funeral was today. It was probably happening right at that moment! I cried. It took me about 20 minutes to compose myself enough to get up and shower.

I felt better after the shower, but I knew the hole in my heart would be there for a long, long time. I needed my friends. All of them. I was determined to fix every one of the relationships. Right now, Larry, Jennifer, Melanie, and Becky were a lifeline. Then there was Stephanie, who had been there for me since I had been with Birgit. They would get me through this.

I ate breakfast, checked the pool pH and chlorine, added some chemicals, then biked over to Bethany’s house. She let me in and offered me OJ or milk. I took the OJ. I told her what I had to say was really important and I didn’t mind if her mom was there. She looked concerned, but said nothing.

We sat at the kitchen table and I told her the broad outlines of the story, leaving out the fact that Birgit and I were lovers. When I got to the end, I had tears streaming down my face. I saw Bethany was crying as well. I apologized for upsetting her and told her I’d talk to her soon. I got up to leave.

“Steve, stop for just a minute,” Bethany said, sniffing.

She looked at her mom and they exchanged a look. I saw Mrs. Krajick nod. Bethany came up to me, put her arms around me, and hugged me. She kissed me on the cheek and told me how sorry she was. And then she let me go. It was only then that I noticed she hadn’t been shaking. I told her I would call her, said ‘goodbye’, and rode home.

I arrived home to find a message from Jennifer. I called her and she said she was checking on me and asked me to call her after Becky left, no matter how late. Her mom and dad knew I needed her and let her know that they would help in any way they could.

Around noon the phone rang. The voice on the phone raised my spirits immensely. It was Pete. Melanie had called him. They were going to meet later that day to talk. I told him I was happy for him. He told me not to get my hopes up because he was pretty upset with Melanie. I told him that I understood and hoped that he’d see fit to give her a second chance.

I told him I hoped we could get together over the Summer, and I really hoped it was a double-date. He told me he’d love to get together but the double-dates would have to wait.

When I hung up, I immediately dialed Melanie’s house, but there was no answer. I’d have to talk to her later. I went and took a shower and got ready for Becky to arrive. I was a bit nervous about the situation, and wondered if I was doing the right thing by seeing her. We hadn’t had the cooling-off period on which we had agreed.

I was concerned that Becky would see this as an opportunity. Maybe not consciously, but very likely subconsciously, she would think that the way clear. Birgit was no longer an impediment. As far as Becky knew, Jennifer and I were still on the outs. Of course, fixing my friendship with Jennifer took precedence over anything else I might feel for her now or in the future.

I ran through how I wanted to talk to Becky and what I wanted to say. I had to be careful not to give her false hope or deceive her. I had to guard myself against trying to fill that hole in my heart by making love with Becky. Doing that could be a disaster. I knew my emotions made me vulnerable. I’d just have to keep them in check.

I went to find Stephanie and asked her to keep an eye on me and Becky. If she wanted to sit with us, I’d be fine. What I didn’t want is for the situation to get out of hand. Stephanie agreed.

“So, Big Brother is afraid he can’t keep his hands off his ex-girlfriend?”

“Not funny, Squirt.”

“That’s what you just told me, if you think about it.”

“Yeah, I guess I did, didn’t I? And you’re right. I am afraid. I didn’t feel that way with Jennifer. I guess I trusted her to keep me on the straight and narrow. But I’m afraid Becky will try to take advantage of the situation.”

“She wouldn’t really do that, would she?”

“Maybe not consciously, but perhaps subconsciously. We loved each other pretty deeply. Now the thing that was blocking a permanent relationship is out of the way. I have to be super careful.”

“You know I’ll help, Steve. Just don’t be alone with her where something could happen.”

“I won’t. Thanks, Steph.”

“So long as you aren’t a dumb boy, you’ll be fine,” she said, sticking out her tongue.

“True.”

“Wait, what happened to your usual comment?”

“Not in the mood, Squirt. Not in the mood.”

“I don’t know if you noticed, but Mom and I are fighting. She thinks you’re corrupting me and that I need to stay away from you. She is scared to death that I’m going to be like you, and she blames you for that.”

“I know, Sis, I know. I’m sorry.”

“You never did anything except what you thought was right. I couldn’t have a better brother. Mom doesn’t like it that you have lots of sex. I don’t think that’s your problem. It’s hers. And I will make up my own mind about it. But I’m not going to decide based on what she says. Especially after you figured out about her not being a virgin!”

“Steph, be careful. Don’t push her too hard. And be real careful on that virgin issue.”

“Well, I’m not staying away from you and I told her so. She wasn’t happy, but she can’t really prevent it.”

“You are awesome, Squirt!”

“I am, aren’t I?”

She just couldn’t resist the comeback.

I went to grab some lunch and picked up a book to read to wait for Becky’s arrival.

Around 1:00pm I saw Mom and I said, “I’m ready to talk when you are. Just let me know.”

She didn’t respond. I had been way out of line and I knew it. But, she still insisted on treating me like I was eight or so, rather than fifteen, with a life independent of her, at least to a point, with my own needs, desires, and dreams. I was growing up and she didn’t like it. I didn’t know if I could solve that problem or not.

Becky arrived just after 2:00pm. Her mom and dad came to the door with her and I invited them in. Becky hugged me and kissed my cheek. I was happy with that. It was a sign that she understood at least some limits were in place.

Mr. van Hoek said, “Steve, we’re sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say beyond that. I know you and Becky had some kind of falling out, and I know you were taking a time-out, but I’m glad you called her. I hope you two can work things out.”

Mrs. van Hoek hugged me and said, “Steve, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

I called Dad to come to see Mr. van Hoek. I knew at some point they needed to talk and I figured face-to-face was good. They stepped outside to speak for a few minutes. I had an idea of what that conversation was about, but I figured Dad would tell me if I needed to know. Dad came back in and the van Hoeks left.

“Mom and Dad will pick me up when I call them. I brought a bag with a bathing suit and other stuff, so I can stay as long as you want, even overnight.”

“Thanks, Becky. Overnight isn’t a good idea, but stay as late as you are able and still have your parents get you, OK?”

“Whatever you need.”

“What I need is for us to talk. To sort out the mess we’ve created. To see what the next steps might be.”

“I’d like that.”

“Let’s go sit on the deck,” I suggested.

She nodded and we walked out past the pool, through the sliding glass doors to the deck. The day was warm, but not too warm, and there was a nice breeze. The heavily wooded ground behind our house rapidly sloped away, leading to a valley. The view was beautiful and for a few minutes, we just stood and took it in.

I motioned Becky to sit down. We sat side-by-side in deck chairs, facing the valley.

“Becky, I’m sorry about how things turned out between us. I want to discuss everything and get everything on the table. I want to have an honest, no-holds-barred conversation. OK?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll say right up front I am in no state to re-start our romantic relationship. My emotional state is, well, unstable; I guess that’s the best way to put it. For the same reason, I want to limit any physical interaction to hugs. I need these limits right now and I hope you’re OK with them.”

“Right now, I’m just glad you called me when this happened. That you would think of me and need me is important. From what you said, I can tell you are afraid I came here to try to get you back, to take advantage of Birgit’s death. And you know what, you are probably right to be worried about that. I did think about that. It was tempting. But I knew if I did that, it would make things far worse.”

“I’m relieved,” I replied. “I really am. So let’s start with the most important thing. I still love you. If anything, Birgit’s death has shown me just how important love is. I need as much love as I can get from my friends — you, Larry, Melanie, and Jennifer. I’ve already taken steps to repair my friendship with the girls, and to recover the one with Larry that’s kind of fallen between the cracks.

“Sadly, it took Birgit’s death to get Melanie and Jennifer to talk to me again. I’m going to take full advantage of that. Jennifer spent a couple of days here just being with me. As a friend, nothing more. We have a long way to go to repair our friendship and figure out where we are, much like I do with you.

“Melanie finally called Pete. I hope they work things out. Her making that call was the first step to repairing our relationship as well. That one is very different, of course. I’ve made it clear to Melanie that I’m not available in any way, shape, or form as anything other than a platonic friend. She needs to fix things with Pete. I’m pretty sure they’ll get back together. She’s had a huge loss as well — Birgit was like a sister to her.

“I spent some time with Larry, but not much. I need to spend time with him and just hang out. To get back to where we were. And to move forward. I need him as a friend and I’ve more or less let that friendship shrivel up. He’s hurting too, because Birgit was his friend.

“That brings us to you. I made quite a few mistakes. I missed a lot of signs. I didn’t listen to what you meant; I only heard what you said. The signs were all there and I ignored them. I let Jennifer push me, and you pull me, into a relationship that I couldn’t sustain; that I couldn’t handle. Don’t get me wrong, making love to you was fantastic, but it was also a mistake.”

“Steve, no! How could it be a mistake? We love each other!”

“Yes, Becky, we do. But that step meant something very different to you than it did to me. Yes, it was an expression of love. The thing is, for you, it was as if I had given you an engagement ring. To you, giving me your virginity was in exchange for a promise for me to marry you eventually. You told me that in so many ways. Yes, yes, I know you said otherwise, but I ignored all the signs. In effect, I made love with you on false pretenses.”

I had tears now — and they weren’t tears for Birgit. They were tears for me. Tears for Becky. Tears for a ruined relationship. I couldn’t give her back the thing I took from her. She wouldn’t have that to give to anyone else. For some people, it wasn’t that big of a deal. For Becky, I was sure it was.

“Becky, as I see it, your virginity was something precious you wanted to give to me on condition that I commit to you, kind of a pledge, I guess. Even though I was saying otherwise, I believe that’s what it meant and what you meant by it. I can’t undo it. I can’t make any promises or commitments to you. I hurt you and I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”

“Steve, I admit I lied to you. I did think that making love would pull you away from Jennifer and Birgit. But I lied to myself, too. I heard you say what you did. But I didn’t believe you. Or rather, I believed that making love with you would overcome your resistance. That was dumb.

“But, it was amazing. As much as you’re right about the pledge, I don’t want it back. Sex with you was so good, it showed so much love and it moved me deeply. Remember, too, I wanted it, and not just for the long-term relationship I wanted, but because my body ached for you. Remember the day after Thanksgiving? I almost got past my fear and did what you wanted. Not because of the bet, but because I had a deep, uncontrollable need to be with you physically. I don’t understand it; maybe I never will.”

She had started crying as well. We had it out on the table. The question now was where did this lead to? I truly had no idea. My mind mapped out the possibilities like moves on a chessboard. But the lines and variations were infinite. Jennifer figured prominently, just like before. What I had to do was avoid re-creating the same horrible situation.

I had to think about Bethany, Anna, and Joyce as well. I was still seeing them and developing a relationship with each of them. Each offered something unique, something different, and in the case of Bethany, something completely unknown and quite risky. My safe option, if there was one, was Jennifer, but I knew I wasn’t in a state to make that decision, and despite our banter before she left, it might never happen.

What did I want from Becky? I had no idea. None at all. All I knew was that I loved her. What I didn’t know was if we could establish a friendship. Would she see that as a promise of more in the future? Did I want to date her? Would she see that as a promise? Could I trust her if she said she didn’t? Only time would tell. I knew I had to ask her.

“Becky, what do you want to do? How do you want to move forward? What do you want? Be honest. If you aren’t, then we’ll end up right back where we were at your house when we dropped the chains on the bed.”

“I have no idea,” she sighed. “When you left and we were going to take a month off, I knew it was over. Even if you came to dinner after a month, the necklaces on the bed told me we were through. I hated it. I hated you. I hated myself. I cried myself to sleep holding those necklaces. They’re actually in my bag. Not because I thought we’d get back together, but because I want you to keep yours, even if you never wear it again.

“What we had was special. I would be a liar if I said I didn’t want you back. But I can’t handle your conditions and you can’t handle my requirements. Not now. Maybe not ever. I hope that’s not true. I hope somehow, in some way, fate is playing tricks on us now and that in the end, we’ll be together. But I know I can’t plan on it.

“What do I want? I would like nothing better than for you to take me to your room and make love to me one last time. Well, maybe not the last time forever, but the last time for now. But you already took that off the table. You’re probably right — I don’t know if I can handle being friends. I don’t know if dating is the right thing to do. I just don’t know.”

“How about we just agree to talk on the phone?” I asked. “Talking can’t hurt anything. It will keep us connected and we’ll see where things lead. I can’t promise anything except to be your friend. I hope you’ll let me. But I’ll understand if you can’t. Will you at least try?”

“I guess I can try,” she replied, sounding depressed. “For you, I guess I can try. I still love you so much it hurts. I miss you. Yes, let’s do that.”

I stood up and took her in my arms and hugged her. We stood there for a few minutes.

“Would you still come to dinner in 3 weeks as we agreed?”

“Yes, of course,” I said.