Chapter 1: Heartbreak

June 10, 1978

’If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.’

-Frank Zappa

I slowly floated through complete darkness, unable to find light. A phrase careened around inside my head, causing pain everywhere it touched. I was adrift, unstable, and afraid. Nothing was real. Perhaps it was all just a bad dream, a nightmare. Had I died? Was this Hell?

The darkness lifted slightly. I felt a presence next to me.

“Melanie?” I croaked.

“Shh!” I heard in return.

“Birgit’s dead?!” I wailed.

“Shh,” I heard again as I felt arms envelop me.

I drifted back into nothingness.

I suddenly came awake. I opened my eyes. In the dim light, I could see Melanie sitting on the edge of the bed. I saw Larry sitting in the desk chair. But there was a female form next to me.

“We were really worried about you Steve,” Larry said.

“How long was I out?”

“I guess about fifteen minutes. You seemed to, I don’t know, short circuit, when Melanie told you.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s the best way to describe it,” I sighed, trying to take stock. “It’s true, Melanie? This isn’t some sick game?”

“It’s true. I talked to her mom a couple of hours ago. I knew how you would take it so I called Larry to pick you up from work. He called your mom and told her he was picking you up, but not why. Then he brought you here.”

“But you and I aren’t speaking,” I protested, weakly.

“I know. But this was more important than my little snit.”

“And more important than me not being ready to talk to you.”

That was Jennifer, who was cuddled next to me in the bed.

“Melanie called me and told me,” she said. “I knew you would need me, even if I wasn’t ready. I tried to get here before she told you, but I didn’t make it in time. When I got here you had just fainted and they were putting you on the bed. I just laid down next to you to wait.”

There was silence for a time. I lay there quietly. I wasn’t crying. I was sure that would come later. I was still in shock.

“What happened? I just talked to her this morning. She was going sailing with Jonas.”

“The boat capsized in a sudden storm. They both drowned,” Melanie said, crying softly.

“Oh my God,” I gasped.

“I’m going to go talk to your mom, Steve,” Larry said. “How much should I tell her? Mrs. Spencer will call her later. You’re to stay here tonight.”

“Tell my mom and dad everything. It’s the only way they’ll understand. Make sure Stephanie knows, too.”

“You got it. I’ll be back.”

He left. I just lay there with Jennifer by my side. She was holding my hand, but that was the only contact. Melanie pulled the desk chair up to the side of the bed and sat down. She took my other hand.

Sometime later, I’m not sure how long; there was a soft knock at the door. It was Mrs. Spencer. She brought in a tray with a teapot, a couple of Cokes, and some cookies. I slowly sat up and Melanie handed me a Coke. She and Jennifer both had tea. Mrs. Spencer looked pretty upset as well. I wasn’t surprised; they had treated Birgit like a daughter.

“Melanie, how are you doing?” I asked after her mom left.

“Not good. Probably about like you, I guess. Well, no, probably better than you. Do you think you can get up?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Mom said we can hang out in the basement as long as we want. Larry will be back. You can use the guest room. Larry will stay as long as you need him, but eventually, he’ll head home to bed. Jennifer can stay with me. OK?”

“Sure. Let’s go.”

We walked to the basement. As we passed the family room I saw Mr. and Mrs. Spencer sitting on the couch cuddling and crying. I knew how they felt. Well, I suppose it’s different for parents, but I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my body.

We got to the basement and found a bunch of pillows and blankets on the couches. I grabbed some and just lay down on the couch and covered up. I didn’t really want to touch anyone at the moment. I needed to be alone, but didn’t want my friends to leave. It was a strange feeling.

Larry came back from having gone to my house, and sat on the couch with Melanie. Jennifer was sitting on the floor next to my couch, with her arm resting on the couch and her head resting on her arm, just looking at me. No way was I going to chase her away. I just hoped my friend was back.

We all just sat in silence for a while.

“When’s the funeral?” I asked.

“Most likely, Wednesday; in Stockholm, of course.”

“And we can’t go,” I said, as tears began streaming down my face.

“No, we can’t go,” Melanie said, sobbing.

“Here I am with my three best friends. Two of them weren’t talking to me this morning. Why did it take this to get us together?”

Nobody said anything. The only sounds were soft sobbing from my two friends and me. Larry was stoic, but Larry was always stoic. I could tell he was torn up as well, but it wasn’t his nature to show it outwardly.

“Steve, your mom was pretty upset when I told her. She was going to come to get you but Mrs. Spencer talked her out of it. I guess she didn’t know how close you and Birgit were.”

“She didn’t.”

“I didn’t even get a chance to explain before your mom started getting her purse. Your little sister stopped her. She said ‘Mom, Steve loved her. He needs to be with his friends who knew her’. Your mom asked ‘How can he love her? They never went out. They were never boyfriend and girlfriend’. Stephanie really stood up for you saying ‘Mom. He did. They were committed to being together forever’. When your mom asked how that was even possible, Stephanie told her ‘Mom, they made love’. Your mom lost it at that point, sorry to say. That’s when I borrowed the phone and called Mrs. Spencer. She calmed her down. But I hate to say it, you’re gonna get grief from your mom.”

“Jennifer, Melanie, would you come home with me in the morning and support me. I don’t know if I can handle her alone.”

They both agreed.

Mrs. Spencer offered us food around 6:00pm, but nobody was really hungry. I took a few bites of a sandwich and ate a few chips. The others did the same. We started talking about memories and things we did with her. Through rivers of tears, I spoke about our plans and goals.

“Steve, do you think you’ll still want to go to Sweden?” Larry asked.

“Yeah. It will be tough, but I have to see her, well, you know what I mean. To say goodbye.”

Larry left around midnight, assured that I was as OK as I could be. He promised to call on Sunday to check on me. At that point, we moved upstairs. I went into the guest room. Both Jennifer and Melanie offered to stay with me but I told them I just wanted to be alone. I knew those weren’t offers of sex, but just of friendship. But at this point, I didn’t even want that. I needed to be alone with my thoughts.

I lay in bed thinking back over the past two years. I had tried to do my best, to figure out what was right, to follow my heart. And everything had gone straight to hell. I’d ruined my friendship with Jennifer when I’d gone to Becky. My relationship with Melanie was wrecked when I did the right thing. My relationship with Becky was destroyed because I couldn’t commit the way she wanted. And Birgit, my true love, was dead before I could even act on what I thought was right. And now here I was, in her former room! Tears welled up again.

Jennie had warned me about sex. How it changes people. How people have different reactions to it. Sex was really the root cause of the problems. Making love one time with Birgit ended with my heart ripped out of my body. Making love with Jennifer changed and eventually wrecked our relationship. Refusing to have sex with Melanie wrecked not just my relationship with her, but my friendship with Pete as well. Collateral damage, I guess.

Making love with Becky had done exactly what Jennifer knew it would. It also created a situation that was likely to eventually blow up in my face, and it had. If I had refused to give in to her demands, we might still be together. But I wondered if it were even possible for me to have resisted much longer, even without Jennifer’s prodding.

There was Bethany. Her single experience was violence. I had a hard time getting my head wrapped around that one. In this case, a sex act had damaged her to the point where she needed therapy, maybe for the rest of her life. For her, even the idea of holding hands was a frightening prospect.

Sex with Kellie had been empty and meaningless. Even though it had been fun, I didn’t like the way it had turned out. Not because I wanted to have sex with her again, but because of the way she treated it like a business proposition. Even though the situation with Mary was purely about the physical pleasure, it had a very different character. It didn’t feel empty.

What was I going to do? I knew that I needed to call Becky despite our agreement. Sadly, I feared that she would take this as an opportunity to get what she wanted. I had no commitment to Birgit to hold me back; I had nobody else I was having sex with. If I did start to see Becky again, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to, it would have to be a complete reset.

Then there was Jennifer. She had come to be with me today, even though she was still trying to work things out in her mind. She didn’t know that Becky and I were taking time apart. She didn’t know much of anything about the past couple of months, actually. I hoped she was ready to talk. I needed it.

As for Melanie, well, there were deep problems there that were beyond my ability to fix. I was resolved to keep things cool between us until she talked to Pete. One way or the other, she had to deal with that before I could do anything with her. I decided I was going to call Pete occasionally to keep in touch. I hoped he would still be a friend. I wasn’t sure where he was going to college, but he had talked a lot about Ohio State.

A strange thought entered my mind. I had a chance for basically a new start. I was seeing Anna, Joyce, and Bethany. None of them had progressed beyond the kissing stage, with that one minor exception with Anna that I regretted. I had the entire Summer to date and see what happened.

That thought was crushed by memories of Birgit flooding back in. I cried myself to sleep.

At some point, I heard a noise and saw the door close. Moonlight shining through the window revealed a ghostly figure coming to the side of the bed.

“Steve, can I get in bed with you?”

It was Melanie. Really? Sex now? There was just no way.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Melanie. Go back to your own bed.”

“Oh, no! I’m not trying to have sex with you. I’m not. Honest. But I need you to hold me. Nothing more. I promise. Really. I just can’t sleep alone. Jennifer knows I’m here. Please don’t send me away! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry!”

She was sobbing now.

I knew what I had to do. My heart was crystal clear. I pulled back the comforter and let her climb in. She snuggled close to me with her arm across my body and her head on my chest.

Chapter 2 »