Chapter 12: Stiffening My Resolve

I was looking at my face in the mirror. It was a week after the supposed final treatment. I was satisfied that it was as good as it was likely every going to be. I could live with it. There was very little evidence of scarring and that was the objective. The color of the skin was now what I thought of as normal and I didn't feel people would even notice any difference. All that was left was the surgery on my ear. I felt myself breathe I sigh of relief.

Jess came into the bedroom and saw me gazing at my face in the mirror.

"You look good, Daddy. Just like you always did. When they fix your ear, you'll be perfect again," she smiled, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you, Sweetheart. That's good to know," I smiled and returned the kiss, my arm around her shoulder.

She was growing up, taller, slimmer, and prettier than a few months ago. She was going to look very much like her mother, I thought. I would have to watch out for the boys in future. She was fourteen now. Some of her schoolmates were sexually active, I learned. I knew Reese had had "the talk" with her, but I thought I had better think about what I wanted to say as well.

Matt was seventeen, driving the Focus to school and to his part-time job on the weekends. He was a supermarket box-boy and, while it wasn't anywhere near as interesting as his summer job, nor did it pay as well, he was happy to have the cash he earned. He had to keep the car in gas, have money for his dates with his new girlfriend, and other needs that came along.

Matt chose not to play football that fall. He wasn't quite big enough to make the first squad as a junior. He chose instead to join the track team to build up his stamina and used the weight room to maintain his strength. He was still growing, but like me, would probably top out near six foot, and weigh in about one-eighty. Plenty big enough for baseball, his first love.

Jess was now in her first year of high school and was on the freshman soccer team. She was slightly bigger than most on her team, and continued to play the back line, as she called it. Fullback was the official name, but she was the last line of defense on the field and she took her responsibilities seriously. She had learned to tackle thanks to a very patient instructor, and it had added to her skills. Like her brother, she loved to play and be around her teammates. I could see her on the first team varsity squad in the future.

I hadn't renewed my intention to move on from living in the house with either Reese or Ali. It had to come soon, since my ear surgery was scheduled in a week. When I knew what my recovery involved, I'd be able to make a decision about my living in the townhouse. I wasn't looking forward to that conversation. The only firm decision I'd made was that it needed to be with both women at the same time and apart from the children. It would be difficult enough without being ganged up on by five people.

The final surgery was in early October, this time in a hospital surgery. Dr. Sylvan did the work and I was under a general anesthetic for the operation. It was strange. I lay on a gurney, the anesthetist fitted a tube into my arm, asked me to count backwards from ten, and it was over. I think I might have got to nine, but the next thing I knew I was awake and could feel a bandage on my ear, but nothing else unusual at all. I didn't seem to have any after-effects from the anesthetic.

"There we are, Mr. Rideout. One new fender on the ear and you're as good as new," Dr. Sylvan joked with a smile. "Everything went as we expected. You'll be keeping the bandage on for the next week, then we'll have a look and make sure everything is healing the way we want it to."

"Good to hear," I croaked, my throat feeling dry. "I'm anxious for this to be over with. I'd like to look in the mirror and see who I used to be. So far, I'm really happy with the results."

"I'm pleased that you're satisfied," he smiled, as a nurse and the doctor helped me to my feet. Surprisingly, I wasn't at all wobbly ... the way I expected to feel. I was assisted to a wheelchair and whisked out of the surgery and down the hall to a cubicle where I found my clothes and a nurse. She left me with an envelope with my wallet and change. I wore no rings and Ali had the car keys. She would be waiting for me in the waiting room. After I'd signed out, we headed for her car.

"One more visit and it should be over, Ali," I said as we pulled out of the parking lot heading for I-90.

"That must be a big relief, especially the way your face turned out," she smiled as she drove along.

"It is. I didn't have a lot of hope that it would be anywhere near as good as it is, so I'm really happy with it. I feel like I'm getting back to something resembling normal again."

"What do you mean ... normal?"

"I'm sure you must have noticed I haven't been exactly a happy-go-lucky personality in the last while," I said.

She turned and looked at me before resuming her concentration on her driving. "Yes ... but we made allowances for it."

"What does that mean?"

"We knew you were upset about the damage to your body ... particularly your face," she said. "I could see the worry that you would never look quite right again and that bothered you."

"True. That was on my mind for a while. But ... this past year has been really hard on me, Ali. The discovery and the divorce. Moving out of my home and sharing the kids. The accident and my recovery. It was more stress than I could ever remember."

"And where do I fit in?" she asked, glancing at me.

"In the middle of this whole thing. Right after the divorce and before the accident, along comes Allison Bledsoe and throws everything into turmoil. Everything I thought I knew about myself and what I was going to do with myself in the future went out the window on New Year's Eve. Confusion and uncertainty mixed with lust and maybe love."

"Is that good or bad?" she asked, her brow wrinkled as she drove.

"I don't know," I said uncertainly. "I'm not sure. I'm not sure where I'm at right now. At first I was worried about my physical health. That's mostly behind me now. But I also began to worry about my mental health a while ago. I haven't said anything to you or anyone else in the family, but I've been seeing a psychologist. Someone who can help me understand how to deal with what's going on in my life."

"Really?" she said, her eyes wide with surprise as she turned her head to stare at me.

"Yeah. I'm glad I did. It helped. Most of my problems were from stress. All the shit that fell on me in the last year. I was coping, but only just. Trying to figure out where you come into the picture is hard. There are times when I'm sure I'm in love with you, and there are times when I wonder how that could be. We hardly know each other in some ways, but you have had a big effect on me. I wish I could tell you where I'm at right now. I wish I knew."

We rode in silence for a while and I could tell Ali was trying to absorb what I had told her.

"You're going to move back to your townhouse, aren't you," Ali said after a while.

"Yes. I'm probably going to take a vacation on my own for a couple of weeks. I've got budget meetings coming up and if I don't take the time soon, I won't be able to. I need to get my head straight. When I get back, you and I will talk about the future. That's if you still feel we might have a future."

"I wish I could go with you ... but ... that's not what you want, is it?" she said quietly.

"No ... I need some space and time to think about what I want for myself. Matt will be off to college in the not-too-distant future, and Jess won't be far behind. I'll be forty this December. Half my life is gone and I want to be sure that whatever I decide, I'll be satisfied and happy with it."

I'd been staring out the side window as I talked, but I turned and looked at Ali. I saw tracks of tears on her cheeks. I didn't know what to do about that. Should I tell her not to worry? Should I tell her that it will be all right? I said nothing. We spent the rest of the drive in silence.

There was something about Ali's reaction to my comments in the car that was bothering me. Not a worrisome bother, but a nagging feeling that I wasn't properly interpreting what I was seeing. No one was home when we arrived at the house. The children were all in school and Reese was at work. We had plenty of time before we had to pick up Jack at his school.

"I'll go get Jack," Ali said. "You stay here and relax. I won't be long."

I could tell by her tone that Ali was upset with our conversation on the way home. Maybe more correctly, she was upset with my comments about my doubts and concerns. I wasn't trying to let her down or walk away from her. I only wanted to try and make her understand how mixed up I was feeling. So much pressure and so many decisions to make, and one of them were small or inconsequential.

I walked into the bedroom, took off my shoes, laid back on the bed and within a few minutes I was asleep.

I awakened when little Jack was by the bed, his hands on my arms, looking at me.

"Hi, Jack," I said groggily. "How was school today?"

"Okay. Are you all right? You were sleeping when it was afternoon. Does your ear hurt?"

I'd forgotten my bandaged ear temporarily until the dull ache reminded me of the recent surgery. I must have been sleeping on my back, since I was sure rolling onto my right side the way I normally slept would have produced enough pain to wake me.

"A little bit," I said with a smile. His first thought was whether I was in pain and it reminded me just how nice this young boy was. "I'll be okay pretty soon. Just one more visit to get the stiches out and I'll be good as new."

"I'm glad. Do you know why Mum is sad?" he asked.

"No. Did she say she was sad?"

"No. She just looks sad," he said, a worried frown on his face.

"Well, I'll find out. Don't you worry about it, Jack. I'll tickle her and make her happy, okay?"

He smiled. "Yeah. Tickle her. She always laughs when I tickle her."

Jess and Matt were home from school, both ensconced in their rooms. I greeted them both and gave them the short version of my surgery and then headed downstairs to where I thought Ali might be. I assumed she would be in the kitchen beginning preparations for tonight's supper, and that's where I found her.

"I was sent down here to tickle you," I announced as I wrapped my arms around her.

She laid her head back on my shoulder and once again I could see tracks of previous tears. Something was bothering her and I had a pretty good idea of what it might be.

"What's the problem, Ali? Jack says you look sad and I can see you have shed some tears. Talk to me."

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid you're pulling away from me. I'm afraid that I might lose you," she confessed.

"No ... not going to happen," I said. "I just need some breathing room, Sweetheart. There is only one woman in my life right now and that's you. You aren't in competition with anyone."

"When you call me Sweetheart, everything seems to be all right. I'm trying to be a big girl, Grime. I know I've been very aggressive with you. That was stupid of me, but I was so ... so ... taken by you, that I couldn't help myself. You are everything that Pete wasn't. When I see you with Jackie, I just get warm all over. He loves you almost as much as I do. Please don't give up on us ... please."