Chapter 5

This is PRICELESS!!!!

WELCOME to 2015:

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless

We are SPEECHLESS,
Senate is CLUELESS,

And our Leaders
are WORTHLESS!

I'm scared – Shitless

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader...

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:"

"DON'T SELL THAT COW."

This one is compliments of JC

Kenny Rodgers robs a bank. As he is making a getaway, the cops starting chasing him. He is able to almost lose them when he hits a bump and a wheel comes off the truck. He crashes and of course is busted by the cops. As he is being lead away, he looks at the tire and starts singing "you picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel!"

A Cute Little Love Story Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit their nicely." Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." (Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.)

Distracted Driving Incident

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are...

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds...

To continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I had to put on my seat belt And I dropped

My electric shaver

Which knocked

The donut Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying To straighten out the car

Using my knees against The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Cell Phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an Important call.

Damn women drivers!

Heartwarming Story

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes...

The following are complements of another reader

CLEAN JOKES

Prayers Answered?

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Husband Shopping Center

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where women could go to choose -- from among many men -- a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as one ascended up the floors.

The only rule was, once a woman opened the door to any floor, she must choose a man from that floor and, if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

A couple of girl friends go to the place to find men. At the first floor, the door had a sign reading: "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

The sign on the second floor reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," say the girls, "but, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

The fourth floor sign reads: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," say the women, "but just think! What could be waiting for us on the top floor!"

So up to the Fifth floor they go -- and the sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have nice day."

Relationships

Contrary to what many women believe, it is fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Or course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, its extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself; Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward x I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So that means it was, let's see, February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's. Which means, lemme check the odometer, WHOA! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those

incompetent thieves $600!

COMMUNICATIONS GAP

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs!

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty?! They want a warranty?! I'll give them a damn warranty! I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing).

"What?" asks Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" asks Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

A BEFUDDLED BEAU

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she asks.

"What way?" asks Roger.

"That way about time?" says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last, she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger).

ANALYSIS TIME

The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

I have been told that this was written by Dave Barry. I can easily agree.

Classes For Men

Note: These are classes for men offered at the local Adult Learning Center. Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1: How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2: The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3: Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and

nearby bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4: Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory

graphics.

Topic 5: The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples

on video.

Topic 6: Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help-line support and support groups.

Topic 7: Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house

upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8: Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9: Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life testimonials.

Topic 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11: Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. On-line class and role playing.

Topic 12: How to be the ideal shopping companion: Relaxation exercises, meditation, and breathing

techniques.

Topic 13: How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and

calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

NOTE: Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

BAD HUMOR

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there!

3. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

4. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

6. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

7. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years ... even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions!

Sad, But True...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium" and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

The Wish

A woman was walking along the beach in Australia when she stumbled upon an old oil lamp.

She picked it up and rubbed it to get the sand off when, lo and behold, a Genie appeared!

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f*cking map again!"

The Counselling Session

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Gold Medal Self-Raising, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Bad Diet

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"

The Car Chase

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him, got out, walked up his colleague's car and said, "Hey sarge, why did you stop?"

"Stupid rookie," the sarge snarled in reply. "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never be able to catch him."

Getting Married

Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church, but when I married my wife I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes. At the first session, the minister conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?"

I replied, perhaps too quickly... "Sin?"

The Mother-In-Law

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.

"We'll ship her home," says the guy. The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

One Upmanship

A man from Alaska, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too ... see?" the Alaskan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Alaskan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do," the Rolls driver responds.

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Alaskan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Alaskan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen drives off.

The guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped by a guy driving a Volkeswagon Beetle, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his Rolls Royce.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen Beetle with the Alaska plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says,"Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Alaskan. "What's up?"

"Check this out ... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Alaskan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

Brains

Lisa, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

After a while, several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer, who had noticed here on his way into the store, became concerned when he came out 40 minutes later and saw her in the same position. He walked over to her car and noticed that Lisa's eyes were open and that she had very strange expression.

He asked her if she was okay.

Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

Using his cell phone the man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, the paramedics found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough had hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until the man noticed and came to her aid.

Lisa is blonde...

http://www.recoilmag.com/news/area_husband_pretends_0702.html

The Operation

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" asked the son.

"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

The Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren," the old man began. "Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

"Are you sorry for your sins?" the Priest asks.

"What sins?" asked the old man.

"What kind of a Catholic are you?" demands the Priest.

"I'm Jewish," said the old man.

"Then why are you telling me all this?" asks the Priest.

"I'm telling everybody," replied the old man.

Bad Humor: The Princess

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues, on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't think so."

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question? "What do women really want?" Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered ... is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

Chapter 6 »