Chapter 4

"I want to drive." I could feel her shaking my arm.

"What?" It was a little difficult to take in. In all my years with Penny, she never wanted to drive. Even when I wanted a rest she would rather stop than take over the driving.

The wombles were wishing us a Wombling Merry Christmas as she repeated the statement.

"I want to drive. You are preoccupied with something and your driving is suffering, so pull in to the next services, I can go to the loo and we'll change places."

"Yes ma'am." I said giving a mock salute.

She gave me playful punch on the arm "You just behave yourself soldier or I'll put you on a charge."

"Oh dear! No fun tonight then?"

"That will depend on your orders won't it?"

"Yes ma'am. What will it be ma'am? By the numbers, shoes off two, three, four. Trousers down, two, three, four. Willy out. Wait for it, wait for it. I'm waiting for it. Ouch!" I said as she hit me again.

"There's just one thing stopping me giving you such a slap."

"And what is that ma'am?"

"My husband is back. I don't know where you've been for the last few hours but it certainly wasn't with me. But now you're more like the man I married."

Greg Lake came on the radio singing about how he believed in Father Christmas as we turned onto the slip road for Toddington services. I parked the car and we went inside to the toilets. I waited for her outside the toilets with all the people milling around. I swear I didn't have to see her to know she'd come out. I felt the draft caused by every male head turning to look at her.

"Fancy a coffee?" she asked as we walked away.

"Is the Pope a Catholic?"

She punched me again. "Come on you caffeine addict, let's get you a fix."

We sat drinking our coffee and she kept smiling at me. "Are we OK now?"

"We've always been OK."

"Alright are you OK now? Feeling a bit brighter?"

"I'm sorry; it's driving at this time of year it always takes me back ten years. I'm over it now."

"You'd better be. --I'm still driving though. You can have a rest. Caroline told me to look after you and that's one lady you don't cross."

I smiled. "You know that's something I've learned over the last few years."

"She has a lot of respect for you. I knew she liked you but it goes deeper than that. A sort of grudging admiration; you must have done something to impress her."

"We did cross swords once or twice but we both had the same goal."

"That's more or less what she says about you."

"Then she'll be glad you are looking after me."

"I have my orders too you know."

We laughed and held hands as we finished our coffee. As we left the service area Paul McCartney was Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas time. Once back on the road she reached over and squeezed my hand.

I was feeling very sleepy, I heard Steel Eye Span singing Gaudete as I drifted into dreamland. I floated back to the days after the break up. Penny had gone back to Romania, determined to fight the divorce settlement. She had vowed to fight me for the last teaspoon. She wasn't really interested in the settlement; she just wanted to delay the divorce. It didn't matter how many times I told her that only the lawyers would win, she was determined to do anything to delay things. However, she didn't come home for Easter as she'd promised, and shortly after the holiday, she decided to accept the settlement.

Before the Easter break, Bob, my head of department, called me in to discuss the advertising for my replacement. I looked at the ad, skimmed over the text, and told him it all looked OK.

"To tell you the truth Drew I wish I didn't have to do this." He said.

"I don't see what you're getting at, if you think you can cover with the staff you have, don't advertise."

"Don't act dumb, you know I haven't got anyone that can do what you do. I heard a rumour that's all. The rumour has it that you're having second thoughts about going to Romania."

Well the rumour was wrong Bob. I'm not having second thoughts. I'm just not going. Not this year, not ever."

A smile spread across his face. "That's the best news I've heard all year. When is Penny coming home?"

"Whenever she likes, I'm not involved in that decision. If you are asking me if I'd like to stay on, the answer is yes. Now if there is nothing else I have a lot of assignments to mark."

"I'm sorry Drew, I didn't mean to pry. Look if there's anything I can do, just say the word."

"Thanks Bob, but there's nothing anyone can do." I left his office and went back to my desk.

It took three months from Penny's change of heart, for the divorce to be final. I didn't think I would miss her the way I did. I'd had almost three months without her before Christmas. Why should it be any different now? Of course the answer was quite simple, before Christmas I had something to look forward to. I'd store away things to tell her. I'd hear about stuff and say to myself Penny would like to hear about that. Then it was like a link between us, now it was a reminder that she was gone for good.

I became unwilling to cook for only one person. Some days I'd eat in the staff coffee shop at work, more often I would just go without. I grew a beard because I couldn't be bothered to shave. I saw no reason to get my hair cut so I just let it grow. I'd always been overweight so I didn't worry when I lost a few pounds I didn't even notice when my clothes started to hang on me. When the children came home for Easter they both tried to get me to smarten up, but I couldn't see anything wrong with the way I looked. It required very little maintenance. I kept telling them I was alright. The truth was that I didn't really know how I was, or how I felt. I was still running on autopilot watching all the shit fall on someone else. It took a couple of phone calls to pull me together.

The first came from Percy, and was quickly followed by a visit. Hearing her voice was a tonic in itself. I thought that seeing her would be even better. I had what you would call a rude awakening. I saw her car pull onto the drive that Saturday morning, and rushed to open the front door. I stood there for a moment as she looked straight through me. Slowly the realisation came to her.

"Drew." she said slowly. "Is that really you? What the hell has happened to you?"

"What do you mean? I'm alright. I'm fine. I may have lost a bit of weight but I could afford to lose it."

"Not that much you couldn't." She said as she pushed past me dragging her kit bag behind her. I followed her in.

"Good god Drew, this place is as big a mess as you are. What are you doing man? Where's the coffee?"

I pointed her in the direction of the coffee machine and dug a fresh bag out of the cupboard. She set about making some coffee then started on me.

"What happened to that lovely man I went to Romania with? You're an absolute mess. What happened to you?"

"You were there Perce. You know what happened."

"I know what happened in Bucharest, but that was months ago. You can't let it bury you like this, because that's what it's doing."

I didn't know what to do or say. I just sat down at the table and watched her busy herself in the kitchen. She washed a couple of cups and poured us both a coffee. Coming over to the table she put a cup in front of me and sat down.

"Drew, you can't carry on like this. You are letting that evil little shit get the better of you. Imagine how he'd feel if he saw you now."

"I don't see what's wrong with the way I live."

"Your joking this place is a tip, no wonder your kids are worried."

"Who says they're worried?"

"Caroline. David spoke to her. He said that you don't listen to them or your mother she was their last resort. I don't know why but he thought you might listen to her, and she thought you might listen to me."

"So that's the only reason you're here then, because Caroline sent you?"

"I'd have been here months ago if you'd done what you promised and kept in touch. If I'd known you were divorcing her I'd have been here to support you. I thought she'd have done her best to get you back."

"Oh she did. She came back and told everyone a whole pack of lies. I knew then that it had to be over. I mean I almost believed her, and I was there. I knew I couldn't trust her again. I still love her Perce but I know it has to be over. If I had to leave her on her own I'd be wondering what she was doing. I keep telling myself, I should never have left her out there on her own. I should have broken my contract here and stayed with her."

"And you made that decision all on your own did you? You didn't talk about it; you just decided to leave her there?"

"No, of course not; we talked about it, but I shouldn't have accepted it when she said I should come home and finish my contract."

"Now look Drew, there is no way that any of it was your fault. You both made the decision for Penny to stay out there. Even then just because she was on her own, she didn't have to cheat on you. You were on your own, did you take a lover? NO. Not even when Jackie offered it to you on a plate. Not until you caught her with her knickers down did you stray. So get this into your head right now. None of this is your fault."

I sat there sipping my coffee and taking in what she'd said. I looked around the room. She was right it was a mess. I took another sip and looked at her.

"Perce. --This is a lousy cup of coffee."

"She laughed at me. "Yes it is, isn't it? I'm not used to your coffee machine. What do you say to me getting you cleaned up, and then we'll go out and get a decent one."

Her intention was to get rid of my beard and cut my hair, but that was confounded by not finding any scissors. Instead, we drove into town to a Barbers shop, and they did the honours for her. I came out with short hair and clean shaven.

"Now that looks more like the Drew I know. Now that we are in town, I think we should buy some clothes that fit you better."

By the time we got back to the house, I'd kitted myself out with casual and work clothes that were a little loose fitting but a lot better that the ones I'd been wearing. The loose fit was Percy's suggestion.

"I intend to see a bit of that weight going back on." She said.

I took Percy up stairs and asked which room she fancied. She took one look in the master bedroom and said "This will do fine once we get it cleaned up and change the sheets."

"This is my bedroom." I said.

"That makes it even better. Come on; give me a hand with these sheets."

The night was absolute bliss for me. There was no rampant sex, in fact there was no sex at all but for the first time in nine months, I fell asleep in the arms of a woman, a woman who was still there, when I woke at 5 am. Ever since Christmas I'd had trouble sleeping, five hours was fantastic. I turned to look at her. How could this lovely woman be interested in me? I soon rationalised it. She was doing it for Caroline. Caroline had sent her to look after me. But then that Christmas Eve came back to me. Does a woman really do that just out of sympathy? I was still running this through my head at 7 am when I put the coffee on to brew. I took two cups back up to bed and gently shook her shoulder.

"Wake up gorgeous. Coffee is ready."

I climbed back into bed.

"How can you call me that when I've just woken up? I must look like the back end of a bus. What time is it?"

"It's about 7.30. I've been up for a couple of hours. To tell the truth I don't sleep that well these days."

She sat up, showing me her beautiful breasts, and took a sip of coffee.

"It was just me then. You can get good coffee out of that machine." The smile she gave me was priceless.

"So," she said. "You're not eating right, that's obvious, and you're not sleeping well. What else? How do you feel Drew?"

"Fine, I feel fine."

"So, one of your students hands in a first class piece of work, how do you feel?"

"I congratulate them. I tell them it's a great piece of work and that they should be proud of it"

"That's what you do but how do you feel? Let's try again. A man or a student calls you a spineless wimp, how do you feel?"

"I think that if all he can do is hurl insults then he's lost the argument. That's his problem not mine,"

"You're not getting this. You're telling me what you think, not what you feel. One last try. Someone calls your wife ... No someone calls your daughter a worthless slut. How do you feel?"

"STOP THIS. Just stop it, I don't know alright. I don't know how I feel. It's like I've got some sort of insulation between me and the outside world. It filters all that out and gives me the stuff I can handle."

The tears were coming to me eyes as she put her arm around my neck and pulled my head to her breast. She was stroking my head.

"I'm sorry baby. I know it's hard but I have to know what's wrong before I can help. Have you got anywhere you need to go today or shall we just spend the day in bed. If you can bring your best game I know I'll enjoy it."

"I've got to go to mum's for Sunday lunch she'll be expecting me."

"Will she mind if you bring a friend?"

"Probably not, I'll give her a call and find out."

"Good then we'll get up and I'll start the breakfast while you have a shave and a shower."

When my mother opened the door to us, she couldn't believe her eyes. She stepped back to look at me then rushed forward to grab me.

"You've cleaned yourself up. Thank god for that. Come in." We both walked in and mum looked up at Percy. "And who is this young lady?"

"Oh sorry mum this is Percy or Captain Persephone Marshall if you want to be formal."

She gave Percy a big hug. "I'm very pleased to meet you dear. Are you the one responsible for this?" She asked pointing to me.

"Hello Mrs Styles. Yes maybe a little. I only got here yesterday."

"Well if that's the difference you can make in one day, you'd better stay for a while."

"I intend to Mrs Styles, don't worry."

"Percy's under orders from Lady Caroline." My mother loved to think that I knew titled people so it was always Lady Caroline when I spoke to her.

"I was coming anyway. Caroline just pushed me along a bit."

We had lunch and I managed to eat a little more than usual but not enough to satisfy mother.

"I see you haven't got your appetite back yet."

"I'm working on that" said Percy. My mother looked at her and seemed to be struggling to find the words she wanted. Eventually she spoke.

"I'm sorry my dear, I really can't call you Percy. That's a man's name, it makes you sound all butch, and I can see you're not. I don't mean to offend you, but is there something else I can call you?"

"You sound like daddy. Persephone was mummy's idea and daddy always hated it. When people started calling me Percy it was too much for him. He used to call me Sephie. You can call me that if you like."

"Sephie." said mother looking at Percy. "Hmm, well it's a lot better than Percy, it suits you."

As we were about to leave Percy went to use the bathroom. Mum squeezed my hand."You've got a good one there son. You want to hold on to her."

"Mum she's 32, I'm 45; what interest could she possibly have in me? We're friends, that's all."

"Well call it wishful thinking if you like, but I see more than that. I'm telling you, you could do a lot worse."

On the drive back home Percy was bright as usual. "I like your mum, she's so natural and she's worried about you."

I started to smile.

"What?" asked Percy.

"It's nothing."

"It must be something, that's the first time I've seen you smile since I got here."

"It's just mum matchmaking. I told her you were out of my league."

"And how do you know that?"

"What?"

"You don't know what league you're in until you start playing the game, and you my friend, haven't begun to play the game yet."

When we got home we started work on the house she tidied and dusted while I went round with the vacuum cleaner. By the time evening came upon us, it was back to the state that Penny would have found acceptable. We sat on the Sofa. Percy's head was on my shoulder and we both had a glass of wine. She snuggled up to me.

"That was a lovely and very productive day. This place looks more like a home now. There is only one problem. --It looks like her home doesn't it."

I looked around at the photos, ornaments and nick knacks. All Penny's, nothing of mine on show at all there were ornaments I'd bought her for her collection. There were photographs of the two of us, some of the children, but nothing that showed that I lived there.

"I don't see you with any of this. I see you as a man with books on the shelf not ornaments. What about all these cushions?"

I pulled one out from behind me. "I've always hated them. Unnecessary clutter as far as I'm concerned. I think Penny thought that you couldn't have too many cushions,"

"Well it's your house now. It's time to make your mark on it. Sweep away the old life and start again. We'll start tomorrow after you've seen the doctor."