Chapter 3: Self-Reflection

I slid down the laundry room wall until I was sitting on the cold tile with my knees drawn up. The phone was still in my hand. The screen had gone dark. For a long minute, I just sat there and breathed. The tears came without warning. They were hot and quiet, and they would not stop. I hadn’t cried since the day of my wedding to Sarah, when I saw her walk out looking so perfect in her white dress. I pressed the heel of my hand against my eyes until I saw stars, but it didn’t help.

What had I done?

I had cheated first with Cindy, more than once. I had told myself it didn’t count because Sarah and I had barely touched each other in months, and Cindy would be leaving soon and Sarah would never know. I had been weak and stupid and lonely, and Roxie had known the whole time. She had planned it. She had sent Cindy to me each time, knowing exactly what would happen. And when she had the photos and videos, she sat across from me at their kitchen table and smiled as she laid out the terms.

Ryan got one night with Sarah. If she said no at any time, it stopped. In exchange, the videos of Cindy and me disappeared. Our marriage stayed intact, and our family stayed in the company house we had moved into just a couple of months ago. I had said yes because I didn’t see another way. I had told myself I was protecting her; I was protecting us. I had told myself that if she said no, Ryan would walk away and I could pretend none of it had ever been on the table. I had been lying to myself the entire time.