Chapter 6: Making Do

Neither Richard nor I said a word about that afternoon. I could not bring myself to mention it. Every time I thought about the possibility that he had seen me in the closet mirror—while I watched him destroy Sammie—my face burned and my stomach tightened until I felt sick. The humiliation of being caught like that would have been unbearable. So I kept my mouth shut. He kept his. We passed each other in the kitchen in the mornings and in the hallway at night like nothing had changed, and I told myself that silence was safer than any conversation we might have had.

That night the images would not leave me alone. Nick came to bed the way he had every night since the new job started—tired, shoulders tight, already half-asleep by the time he set his phone on the nightstand. I waited until the light was off, then climbed on top of him before he could roll onto his side. “I want you,” I said. My voice came out lower than I expected. He blinked up at me, surprised, but his hands found my hips. I rode him hard, grinding down, chasing the sharp, overwhelming feeling I had watched Sammie have hours earlier. When I told him to flip me, he hesitated.

“From behind?” he asked.

“Yes. Please, do it.”

He rolled me onto my stomach and pushed in. The angle was deeper than usual. I closed my eyes and pictured Sammie on her knees, Richard’s thick cock driving into her, the way she had begged and then cum so hard her arms gave out. I came from Nick’s cock, sharp and sudden, my face pressed into the pillow so the sound would not carry. He stayed inside me afterward, breathing hard against my shoulder, one hand still on my hip.

“Jesus, Sarah. What got into you?”

“I just missed you,” I said. I did not turn around. I did not want him to see my face. He kissed the back of my neck, and we fell asleep tangled together. I lay awake longer than he did, still feeling the aftershocks and the guilt that arrived with them. I had used him to chase someone else’s orgasm. The knowledge sat heavy in my chest even while my body was still humming, and I felt dirty because of it.