Chapter 1

The soft golden oldies music played over the car radio, filling in the otherwise comfortable silence as I drove. Funny that, how does one know if a silence is comfortable? I suspect it is one of those feelings that one has after twenty years of marriage, the sense that both husband and wife are comfortable enough in each other’s presence that talk is not needed to fill the void. I reached over and turned the radio off

“Have you heard from Craig lately?” I asked.

Claire looked over at me with a smile on her face, as she always does when asked about our son, whom we both adore. “He is busy studying for mid-terms. I spoke with him yesterday and he thinks that he won’t have any problems with the exams.” She then spoke with some amusement in her voice, “And I think that he has met someone; he made some comments about someone named Mary, ‘just a friend’, but that’s the first time I have ever heard him mention a girl in conversation. He’s growing up!”

I could hear the quiet joy in her voice at her pride in our son, both in his academic accomplishments, but also the fact that he was starting spreading his social wings, obviously not as early as many boys, but about the right time for him, having a somewhat introverted personality.

I glanced over at Claire and saw her smiling, eyes crinkled, eyebrows slightly raised, with her typical laughing eyes and laughing face. It was the look that so characterized our relationship. More than anything, our marriage was based on our close friendship, and I she was still dear to me after so many years of marriage. I know that everyone says that couples argue with each other, but I could not recall a time when a disagreement rose above anything but mild irritation. I thought it likely a combination of my calm nature, one very slow to anger, and Claire’s trademark happy nature. If there was such as thing as unipolar happiness, then Claire had it. I was lucky and knew it. Even our children noticed, and more than once commented that they had never seen us yell at each other. I know the typical explanation is that the parents simply didn’t yell in front of the kids, but we never expressed anger even when by ourselves.

I thought that some of this was also due to Claire’s experience in her work. She was a twenty year veteran of public relations for large non profit institutions, and knew how to celebrate triumphs and how to gently gloss over things that needed glossing. In her job, good news was presented by a senior administrator and bad news was presented by a spokesperson, namely Claire. Currently, she represented both the local university and hospital, and every few months she was on the television, being questioned by reporters, and she would ably manage hard questions as she calmly minimized harm to her employer. She knew how to hold a confidence, and she was widely acknowledged never to say a bad word about anyone, even in private. I knew that this was partly her training; she was so often in the public eye, she simply couldn’t afford to make any off the record comments. This trait carried over into her private life, and if I didn’t know how gossip-filled and backstabbing universities and hospitals could be, I would have thought that her work consisted of an employee nirvana.

And this was the where a little needle of doubt pricked my mind. I was sure that she never badmouthed me to others, quite the opposite, but I really didn’t know, deep down, what she truly thought about me. She could control any conversation, thought quickly on her feet, and was never at a loss for the right thing to say. But just as I saw her control reporters, I always had that smidgen of doubt that she was managing me. Maybe she hid her feelings beneath a facade? But maybe this was not a bad thing? Since she always expressed her love for me, if she thought otherwise, deep down, then maybe I should accept this.