Chapter 7: Confessions

Jean was home again, in between field missions, and once again, he was Hardy’s guest, being entertained with beer and barbecue. Although Jean’s presence put quite a damper on his ability to spend time with Beth, Hardy genuinely liked him, and enjoyed his company. Only rarely were others invited to participate, and this wasn’t one of those times.

Hardy’s relationship with Beth had matured and stabilized over the past year or so, and she had confided in him that her ability to respond to her husband had become nearly nonexistent. He had also came to realize that her willingness to let go to him was not simply due to his irresistible charm. After being badgered mercilessly, he’d discussed it with Josephine, and agreed with her assessment of his initial appeal to Beth: i.e., her attraction to older men in general, as well as her jealousy and resentment of Jean’s career.

Recognition of these factors made not one whit of difference in his love, and lust, for her, nor did they disprove her ongoing devotion to him as a lover. It did, however, give him more reason to evaluate the relationship, with a somewhat clearer head than he’d had at the start. It also made him take a hard look at Jean.

Over the duration of their acquaintance, Jean had proven himself time and time again to be a true friend and neighbor. He never demanded as much consideration, or help, as he offered. And when he made a commitment, he delivered on it.

Hardy came to realize that much of what Beth resented about Jean was a result of his absolute dedication to the well being of his family. Jean saw his role as provider requiring that he not just delivering the minimum resources necessary to maintain life, but enough to make it possible for his children to exceed his achievements with their own.

From his perspective, Jean was responsible for providing sufficient resources to insure the successful growth, development maturation, and success of every member of his family. He was driven to make sure this would happen even in the event he died. Because of that motivation, he worked harder for advancement in his profession than did others.

Once Hardy understood and accepted this, he began to examine his own motives, as well as his integrity, concerning the ongoing relationship with Beth. He realized that although Beth viewed him as a hero, saving her from an unfulfilling existence, he was, in fact, an opportunist, taking advantage of both her vulnerability and Jean’s lack of awareness.

By the time of this latest meeting, Hardy’s load of guilt (which he successfully ignored whenever he was with Beth) had grown very large. When he spent time with Jean, he knew his friend could detect that all was not well, and the questions were becoming harder to avoid.

He wanted to come clean with Jean. Josephine had advised strongly against it, suggesting that if Hardy really needed absolution he should see a priest, instead, and pointing out that since he hadn’t discussed the issue with Beth, first, an impromptu confession wouldn’t be fair to her.

Jo had even suggested that his true motives for wanting to spill the beans might actually be malicious ... figuring that the Pasteur’s marriage might be destroyed, after which he might have an opportunity to claim Beth for himself. Hardy knew he was no saint, but he couldn’t even begin to believe that about himself. Nonetheless, the impulse to confess was strong, and growing.

As often happens among men, the conversation began to turn more and more toward women and sex. The two men traded observations about the beauty and desirability of women with whom they were both acquainted. When Hardy mentioned that he found Beth extremely attractive, Jean smiled, but showed no surprise.