Chapter 1: Hopes Realized and Crushed

All kids grow up thinking they know what they want to be when they grow up. Little boys imagine becoming a heroic figure, like a fireman, policeman, maybe an astronaut. Little girls dress up as princesses, nurses, teachers, and beauty pageant winners. Sadly, most of them never realize their dreams. I mean, whoever gets in front of their 6th grade class to say they want to be a garbage man, a proctologist or a grocery store clerk? Yet all these people are needed and their jobs are still important, if maybe not so glamorous.

As for me, sure there were the days I dressed up in my mother’s old clothes and pretended to be princess. Like every other girl, I watched my share of beauty pageants and imagined it was me standing on the stage at the end with a crown on my head and roses cradled in my arms.

Yet there was only one thing I truly ever dreamed about becoming - a teacher. I can’t really explain why, it’s just been something that I’ve always wanted. I guess I admired most of my teachers as I grew up. As I got older and had the opportunity to work with children in various capacities at my church and other volunteer groups, it only strengthened my determination. To see the joy in a child’s face when they learn something new is incredible and fulfilling - it simply cannot be forgotten.

Graduating with my teaching degree was one of the highlights of my life. My goal had been to return to my old home school district and teach but it was an extremely competitive job market and the waiting list was incredibly long. As an alumni I was hoping that I might have a bit of an edge, but in talking with some friends that were already teaching there, I realized that nothing would help me more than to get some real-world experience to go along with my freshly minted diploma.

After applying at a number of schools, I was fortunate to find a small Christian school that needed a replacement for their 4-6 grade teacher who had been injured. It was one of the proudest days of my life when I stood before my first class, a real teacher at last. Sure there were days when it was frustrating and I would go home wondering what I’d gotten myself into. Overall, though, it was just as rewarding and satisfying as I’d hoped it would be - maybe even more. I loved the age group I was teaching. As one teacher I knew use to say, “young enough to love their teacher but old enough to tie their shoes”.

That may have been true more of the 4th graders than 6th grade, but at least it was a far cry better than the hormonal 8th graders I had when I did my student teaching! Now THEY were a challenge, to say the least. The girls all had the “attitude” going strong while the boys were learning about sex and it seemed they had perpetual erections in class as they constantly tried looking down my blouse or up my skirt. If 8th grade as already that bad, I can only imagine what high school would be like which is why I preferred the younger kids.

At the same time my professional career was taking off, my personal life was going along great as well. Finally I was dating a guy who looked to be “the one” Duane was indeed the love of my life and I could easily see myself accepting his marriage proposal. To make it all the more interesting, I’d been getting reports of him appearing in jewelry shops looking at rings! Marriage, or at least an engagement, seemed imminent. Yes, my life was good ... good indeed!

Duane knew a LOT about me, including many of the sexual “adventures” I’d had since my first time at age fourteen. Given we’d met the first time at local BJ party (at least so he and my friends claim, I hated to admit it but I didn’t remember his dick in particular), it wasn’t like he thought I was some innocent little teenager. In fact, not only did Duane not care that I had a reputation for being a slut, he actually seemed to be proud of me because of it. This was especially true when he got to grin mischievously at the guys I was teasing, not letting them forget that HE was the one I’d be going home to bed with at the end.

As much as Duane THOUGHT he knew about me, the potential problem was that he didn’t know EVERYTHING. The inner conflict I was having was when and how to tell him perhaps one of the most important aspects of my life - the incestual relationships between me, my dad and the rest of our family. It’s not like it was something that comes up in casual conversation and I didn’t exactly advertise it. I never told anyone I was dating as I was afraid that when we broke up he would go out and blab about it to everyone - even if we didn’t break up for that matter. As a wide person once said, a secret is no longer a secret if two people know about it.

Although I knew I had to tell Duane about me before we got married, I procrastinated, unsure of how he would react. Now you would THINK it would be just fine with him, especially since it meant he would also be able to have sex with my mom, aunt and cousins (AFTER we got married). Unfortunately, some guys can be strange.