Chapter 1: A Matter of Control

If there’s one thing I think that can cause me the most concern in a relationship, it’s all about control. By “control” I don’t mean who is dominant, stronger or anything so overt. Instead, consider a puppet show. The puppets appear to be doing whatever they want and one may appear to be in charge from the audience’s perspective. However, the person who is really in “control” is the puppet master - the unseen person operating behind the scenes, the one pulling the strings, the only one who REALLY controls what happens. It is the same in relationships in that it doesn’t matter who THINKS they are in control or appears to be to the rest of the world. Instead, it is the one who is “pulling the strings” who controls the relationship, maybe without even the other person’s knowledge.

While not easy to admit, and maybe even something some people might criticize me for, when I’m in a relationship I need to be the one who is in control. I think that’s true with many people, it’s just most people don’t realize it or if they do, they won’t admit it out of fear that they might appear to be selfish or manipulative.

For me, it’s only been in the last few years that I came to terms with it myself, although it’s always been there when I look back at my life and see what relationships have worked for me and which ones have failed. There is an almost perfect correlation between the level of control I had in the relationship versus the satisfaction I felt being with that person.

Control can be subtle. In fact, I would say “is often” might be better than “can be”. In my case, the perfect “controlling relationship” is where I allow the other person to feel in control (face it, most everyone likes to be) but yet when push comes to shove, I’m the one calling the shots, maybe such that the other person doesn’t even realize it. I would guess that most guys who have dated me would say they were in control. It just goes to show that most boys are so easy to control!

So for the most part, why is it so easy for me to be “in control”? Actually, I’m sure you already know the answer - sex. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t believe that boys want sex any more than girls do. In fact, I think there have been many times when I wanted to get laid even more than the guy I was with. The key is not to let them know it - something that isn’t all that difficult.

First, guys have this never-fail signal that tells everyone when they’re horny - their dicks. If a guy is horny on the beach, he either has to be comfortable enough with himself to let his erection be seen by everyone, lay on his stomach or hit the cold water. Meanwhile, at the same time I can be even hornier than he is but who knows? So while girls can be just as horny as guys, they are much better at disguising it.

For example, when I’m out with a guy, usually I’m just as anxious to suck his dick as he is for me to do it. Yet who do you think is in control of the situation - the guy with the raging erection trying to grope me every chance he gets, or the calm girl initially ignoring that same erection, even while she is screaming in her head that she wants it so badly! As my dad would say, I rest my case.

Fortunately, most of my social life involves sex to one degree or another so being a “control freak” isn’t all that hard to deal with. There have been a few cases when I didn’t feel in control - and typically I dropped the guy soon afterwards, even if it WAS fun at the time.

Of course, there IS one notable exception to all this - my father. As the one man I trust most in the entire world, I submit to him which means I voluntarily relinquish the control in our relationship and he assumes the head of household title. Currently I’m dealing with a blackmailing scheme at work, or at least at the work I’ll doing this fall. Yet even in this seemingly “worst-case scenario” I’m slowly wresting back the reigns of control.

So what does all this have to do with my Uncle Paul?

Simple - control issues. But first, a quick update on how I got to my current situation with him. You can find all the details in my earlier diary entries.

My dad was the middle of three boys. Paul is his older brother by eight years. Due to their closer age differences, my dad grew up much closer to Jim, his younger brother by two years and even to this day, he is far less involved with my Uncle Paul. It also doesn’t help that Uncle Paul wound up on the North Side in the Fox Chapel area whereas my dad and his younger brother stayed on the South Side. Uncle Paul had always seemed to me to be the “straight-arrow” of the family - conservative to the core, staunch Republican, moderately wealthy, etc. He’s been my favorite uncle in that he and Aunt Julie have always treated me so nice, a LOT better than my prudish Aunt Shari who was always bitching to my mother about the way I dressed and behaved. Even so, when I was growing up I would catch Uncle Paul looking my way at times, especially when I was wearing really short cutoffs or a bikini that left little to the imagination. Then again, he looked at other girls and my other cousins the same way so he was really no different than most other men and I never took anything he did personally.