Chapter 3: Rebooting the Heart

Martin’s mind was conditioned from childhood to filter emotional distractions and process pertinent information. He grew and adapted to social interactions, but his methods and mannerisms often made him the odd man out, leaving him vulnerable to bullying. He learned to ignore what he could and deal with what he couldn’t, though his logic-based approach didn’t always yield expected results. Telling a bigger, meaner, and significantly dumber bully that their insecurity-based projections were irrelevant rarely worked in his favor. After getting his ass kicked a few times, he reevaluated and determined that avoidance was the better strategy.

When he learned of Siobhan’s affair, he faced a betrayal of everything he took for granted. None of his childhood filters could prepare him for the emotional impact on his suddenly vulnerable psyche. He had accepted notions of love, trust, and the whole exceeding the sum of its parts. None of it was logical, but he rationalized it into the foundation of his existence, relying on it as he relied on the strength of their relationship. Her betrayal shattered that framework, and his foundation crumbled. Emotions he had never experienced consumed him as he flailed with pain and emptiness: Hurt, anger, fear, hate.

It wasn’t a simple reality check for him to reevaluate and adjust his mindset. Everything he built—his relationships and career—was disrupted, and no amount of logic could help him sort it out and discard the hurtful parts. The solution was harder yet simpler than he imagined. It was difficult because he had to rely on others—in this case, Casper. It was simple because, after listening and hearing what he couldn’t see, he reacted like a computer. He shut down and rebooted.

After her husband left, Siobhán knew their relationship was changed forever. She blamed herself for distancing from him. Her mother had warned her, but she ignored it, becoming obsessed with her childhood flame, Kyle Jennings, who had returned with an Oxford education. He had grown, as had his charm and buoyant personality. He knew her better than anyone, even her husband, and was always her confidant. Her attraction rekindled quickly, drawing her back to him. She acknowledged the physical similarities between him and her husband, but while Martin was quiet, Kyle was spontaneous. He visited the day he arrived, and that night, they ended up in bed, captivated by each other’s cravings. Despite her first trimester bump, they fucked for hours with feral intensity.

Their rekindled affair was no secret in her expansive home but was downplayed with other dark and seamy family secrets. Many younger relatives smirked when she visited with her husband and child, none-the-wiser. If that weren’t enough to solicit smiles and snickers, the icing on the cake was the rare chance when the two men met.

Martin took nearly a week to accept his wife’s betrayal and absolve his guilt. While rebooting, he clinically analyzed and discarded emotions like anger, jealousy, desire, and regret if they proved to be irrelevant. His demeanor remained unchanged when he emerged from his private office days later. He was still quiet, reserved, and careful with his words. He still smiled with boyish charm, but the emotion never appeared in his eyes. Inwardly, he felt cold and unfeeling, a sociopath by some standards, but not malicious. He still believed in right and wrong, though distantly. He couldn’t eliminate all emotions without losing his humanity, so he condensed what remained into a new, irrational filter. It was a powerful sense of irony. And it guided many of his decisions.

His first concern was his immediate personal needs. He hadn’t eaten in days and felt weak and unwell. He recognized the sour stench of sweat and pain from his pores. Returning to their small home, he showered, ordered food, and examined the house. It no longer served his purpose, so he obtained his own space. It wasn’t lost on him that his estranged spouse appeared within 30 minutes of his return, accompanied by two bigger cousins, Gary and Seb.

She looked gaunt and strained, and he briefly wondered if her stress had affected the baby. He dismissed the thought as irrelevant. He wished no harm to the child but recognized that—even though it was his—he would have little to do with its upbringing.

Siobhán’s planned encounter was disrupted by her shock at her husband’s appearance. He seemed thinner, but not in a good way. His sedentary lifestyle had caused him to gain weight, but his meager food intake mitigated this. Those excess pounds had vanished, leaving him looking pale and sickly.

She started to make an obvious observation as he sat quietly in the kitchen, looking at her blankly. However, the initiative was lost when the doorbell rang, interrupting her thoughts. They hadn’t exchanged greetings when he bounced to his feet and strode past her and the two dumbfounded cousins.

“Excuse me,” he remarked as he slipped by to answer the door. He accepted the large food bag and handed the delivery person a wad of cash. Siobhán’s eyebrow arched at the number of hundred-dollar bills. She followed him back to the table and watched him sit and rummage through the sack, laying out the contents. He sampled a fry and then filled his mouth with a handful as he unwrapped a large burrito.

“Help yourselves,” he said without looking up. “I ordered enough for everyone.”

To her chagrin, her idiot cousins accepted the invitation and grabbed seats on either side. Biting back her disdain, she took the chair across from her husband and shook her head incredulously as he stuffed his face with two hands. Finally, she blurted out, “So this is how we’re going to do this?”

Her cousins paused to glance at her uncomfortably. She glared at the man across from her. He swallowed noisily and took another mouthful before sitting back and wiping his mouth. He continued chewing as he looked back at her. Something about his gaze unsettled her, and she saw something different in his eyes, something missing. After he cleared his palette, he remained silent as if waiting for her to continue.

Anger flared, and she released her pent-up breath. “Would you at least explain what happened to you?” she demanded. “Where you went? Why you went?” Her voice caught, and her eyes moistened. “What the hell, Baby? I was so scared!”

His continued silence was maddening, but she was used to him taking forever to answer. This time, he got to his feet and went to the refrigerator, grabbing a gallon juice jug. Holding it up, he asked, “Cran-raspberry?” When both cousins eagerly agreed, he returned with four glasses, filling one before passing the jug. The two big men graciously filled one each and silently toasted their host.

Siobhán gasped with frustration at their rudeness. Finally, she cursed and snatched the last glass and jug for herself. After pouring her own, she glowered, sitting back to sip. Her body froze when he finally answered.

“You’ve forsaken our marriage,” he stated calmly, picking up his utensils again. “You started sleeping with your ex-boyfriend Kyle Jennings the day he returned from London.”

The two men looked sheepish at his declaration. Neither dared glance at their cousin, who sat still, glass half-raised. Her face drained of color; she knew her betrayal was exposed and couldn’t deny or defend it. Her hand shook as she lowered the glass, swallowing nervously. She couldn’t meet his eyes as her mind raced. The awkward silence was broken only by his eating. It clashed with the emotional storm inside her as her world of deception crumbled. “I ... I’m so sorry,” she said softly, her voice full of pain and sorrow.

Martin continued eating voraciously as if she had commented about the weather instead of admitting the truth. Her hands fell to her swollen belly to rub it comfortingly, lost in her anguish. His silence made her more anxious, and silent tears streamed down her face. “Do you hate me?” she asked miserably, wiping her tears with a wet sniff.

He shook his head, studying the remaining morsels on his plate. He continued chewing as he set aside his utensils and took up his napkin. When he looked back at her, his expression remained unchanged. “Hatred is prodigal,” he replied. “Contrary, pointless.” He finished his juice and refilled the glass.

Siobhán considered his words, studying his poise and behavior. She was confused and oddly encouraged by his non-hostile demeanor. “You’ve changed,” she remarked.

“I’ve evolved,” he replied, catching her off guard with his quick rejoinder.

She looked down and fidgeted with the glass in front of her. “Will you divorce me?” She braced for his response.

“Do you want a divorce?” Again ... No hesitation.

She blinked back tears and gazed at him forlornly. “No, of course not!” she replied with more conviction than she felt.

“Do you want to marry Kyle?”

That hurt, and she flinched, “No! God, no!”

“Then it’s logical for us to stay married.”