Chapter 9: Kind of Blue

I held Alex in my arms, sitting on the deck by the pool as the sunset. She was beautiful beyond words. The world slowly turned blue over the course of the hour as the yellow and oranges faded with the sun. Blue and Greys took over. Bump a bump. What is that? It only happens around her and Mindy. Alex really is the most perfect creature on the planet. She’s smart, funny, beautiful, and she likes me. I need to make sure she’s happy. I need to protect her. I want to watch her make the world her own. She chose that moment to smile. I don’t think there is anything I wouldn’t do to see that. What this feeling is called?

All of a sudden, the words came to me. Sitting in this world of shadows, I grabbed the notebook and pen and wrote. When I finished, I read the poem back to myself. Love? Oh hell, I’m in love with Alex. I can’t be in love, I don’t have a heart. I’m broken, I’m wrong! How can I love her? But I do. Oh hell, I do. I love her. I’m in love with my best friend. What the hell am I supposed to do?

She spoke, “You all right John?”

“Yeah, I’m fine love.”

“You seem a bit anxious. Do you not think your poem is good enough?”

“I can read it to you if you want.” And I did. I read every line but the last one. I want Alex in my life. For better or worse I need her close to me. I can’t tell her how I feel. She won’t want to be my friend if she realizes how I feel about her.

When I finished, she asked, “If you could have anything in the world right now what would it be?” You, I want you to love me. I want you to feel the way I do. I want to not be afraid for once in my stupid life. I want someone to be capable of loving me. I want to be someone that could be loved. I want to be good enough.

“A Cup of tea would be nice.”

“You sure that’s the one thing you want right now?”

“Honestly. I could do with a sandwich too. I doubt that is an option with the grandmother’s insistence on mealtimes though. How about you? what’s your one thing?”

“I don’t know, I think I’d like to know what really goes on in that head of yours. Sometimes you look so serious.”

“My apologies, I’m never knowingly serious.”

“Liar.”

“Seriously, Purple Pizza with puppies on it. Did I mention I’m wearing ice cream as a hat to school tomorrow? Can I borrow a bikini? I want to go in style.”

Alex laughed. Best sound on earth. God damn it. Stop that. Stop thinking of her that way. Stop feeling. Great I’m ordering myself around, and I’m ineffective at it.