Chapter 4: Betrayal

♂♂Sunday. May 27th. 2012.

Two
years couldn’t have passed by quick enough. I was finally graduating with only a month left of school. I no longer had to endure the bullying and silence from my classmates. The constant fighting and defending myself has got me exhausted. They knew I was gay by the time I returned to school that first suspension. The weight of my sexuality couldn’t be held by my teammates, so they booted me off with silent hazing and mistreatment until I quit. I spent my junior and senior year drifting through classes and attempting to keep my grades good. However, I would be lying if I said none of it weighed on me.

I wasn’t interested in playing another sport. Football was my life; I enjoyed the thrill and excitement of running around a field and chasing a ball. Getting booted off the team crushed me for a while. Thankfully, I had Kendryck, my cousin, and Basil to keep me going. Especially Basil, he’d buy me makeup, clothes, and jewelry with the money he made from working at Auto Zone. He primarily shopped at Macy’s or Forever 21 and bought me flats since heels were hard to find in my size. The only cheap clothes he’d buy were to be specifically ripped off during sex.

It’s mid-afternoon on the weekend and Basil invited me over again. On my eighteenth birthday, Dad gave me my mom’s old PT Cruiser. It’s purple and the engine was questionable, but I was glad I could go anywhere I wanted. I didn’t want to go to Basil’s because I wasn’t feeling well all week. Stress from finals and the changes of life had me constipated, so I wasn’t in the mood for anal sex. I went over there anyway because I wanted to be with him. He was my boyfriend, not just a sex partner.

At least I thought.

I sprinted to his porch because it was raining. He let me in, and we went to his bedroom. Basil started touching me immediately, but I push him away. “Sorry, I’m not in the mood for that.” I lower my eyes. “Can we just hang out?”

“What’s wrong? You love sex.” He frowns.

“When I feel good. I feel like shit right now. I’m not in the mood for that, but I still want to hang out with you.”

“I want to do more than hangout. Sex is our thing.”

“Is it our only thing?” I lower my head.

“No. You’re my boyfriend.”

The corner of my lip raises. “Feels like you only want me for sex.”

“You’re fun to fuck.” Basil shrugs. “Come on, really quick.”

“No.” I scoff. “If you’re going to be like this, I will leave.”

“Are you serious? You came over here and you’re just gonna go?”

“If you keep being a dick, yes.” I stare at him.

“Maybe if you stop being a fucking prude, we wouldn’t be arguing and would be having a good time instead.”

My jaw drops. “I’m not a fucking prude! I’m sick! Doesn’t that mean anything?”

“I think you’re playing hard to get.”

“Why would I do that? You’ll fuck me any way I play it.”

Basil comes closer to me. “If you’re gonna play hard, I’ll play hard too.”

I furrow my brows. “What do you mean?”

“I’m stronger than you, Vehren.” He whispers dramatically, “You’ll lose.”

“Fuck you. I’ll kick your ass.”

“Oh, I’m so scared.” Basil touches my crotch. I shove him off hard. He stares at me, eyes blackening. His force is hard than mine, he pushes me onto the bed and climbs on top. Basil pins my legs with his own, holding my wrist down. I try to wiggle away, but... “I told you.”

“Get off!”

“Are you going to stop being so difficult?”

“Fuck you, Bas—” I’m interrupted by a kiss. When he backs away, I spit in his face. Basil wipes the spit, pulls his arm back, and punches me in the gut. Another one to the jaw. He forces me around, ignoring my pleas for him to stop. He yanks my pans down and jacks off over me. “Stop! Please!”

“Fuck you, Vehren! Fucking stupid whore.” He pushes his way inside. Basil doesn’t stop, not even when I start crying. At one point, I stopped fighting. I laid there, motionless under his thrusts. By the end, when Basil pulled up his pants, he finally spoke again, “I told you that you wanted it.” I’m able to sit up and slide my pants on. I grit my teeth and grab my things. “Where are you going?” I don’t say anything, continuing out of the house. He follows me but doesn’t say anything else.

He watches me from the porch as I skid out of the driveway and down the street. I drove fast, hurrying out of there as quick as I can. Tears fall down my cheeks, I cough hard sobs and wipe them away. When I got home, I finally took a shit. It was painful, I found myself staring at the wall and getting Deja vu. Only this time, when I relieved the memories, I only cried more. I blocked Basil on everything, never wanting to contact him again. In return, Basil never tried to contact me. I never told anyone what Basil did to me, as no one knew we were in a relationship. And they’ll never find out.

I graduated with a 3.0 in grade point average. I felt accomplished knowing I could go to any college I wanted without much of a problem. Walking across the stage made me smile, not at my peers, but my future. Everything was open for me; I could do anything with my desires.

The problem was, I lost them all. Once Basil and I broke up, I stopped cross-dressing too. I threw away all the clothes Basil bought me. The jewelry, make up, and shoes, everything that had to do with Basil was gone. I also deleted my page, throwing away ten thousand followers with it. With no interest in football and school being over, I was left questioning: What do I do with my life?

I got a job at a sports restaurant called ‘Touchdown Wings’ as a server. The first few weeks were rough, but once I got the hang of it, I was set for a career. I figured, if I had a stable job, maybe I didn’t have to go to college right away. This was a proposal to my dad that nearly shook him to his core. Most of my family are either college graduates or police officers, so the idea of me not going to college wasn’t going to fly.

Against Dad’s wishes, I never did apply for college seriously. I instead took on many shift at Touchdown, often pulling doubles to avoid having that conversation with Dad. I made good money and was okay at saving, which helped my case of getting my own apartment. In the meantime, I was smoking weed in the basement of my parent’s house.

Thursday. August 9th.

One evening in August, I was smoking a joint next to Lucci in the basement. I pet her black fur, she’s so small she can fit in a large purse. Suddenly, the door opened upstairs. In reaction, I toss the joint into a nearby pop can. Dad shows up at the bottom of the steps. I wasn’t expecting him home so early, he’s usually in his office or at court.

“What are you doing?” His brows furrow into his slim nose.

“Hanging out with my dog?” I continue to pet Lucci.

“You’re smoking weed.”

“I’m not.”

He chuckles without a smile. “You think I’m stupid, boy? Do you think I don’t know what weed smells like?”

“How do you know what it smells like, Dad?” I tilt my head.

He blinks. “Are you serious?”

“Not really.” I chuckle. The heat is in my cheeks, flowing through my body. I was high, and there was no hiding it.