It's in the Cards


Caution: This Humor Sex Story contains strong sexual content, including Ma/Fa, Consensual, Heterosexual, True Story, Humor, Oral Sex, .

Desc: Humor Sex Story: Who would ever imagine some misprinted business cards could be the instrument to help a lawyer get goth sex, a blow job in his car on the way to a Bar Association meeting and a whole new outlook on life?

I banged this out this morning, read it over this afternoon and here it is. Nothing fancy, just my take on the jusicial system and religious judges.

It's All In The Cards

The guy was steaming. He opened the box of business cards and screamed, "Is this somebody's idea of a fucking joke?" He dumped the box upside down and the cards cascaded down onto the front counter of Excel Job Printing Shop. The unfortunate young woman behind the counter picked up one of the cards and read.

She gasped and started giggling. She tried to compose her face and failed. "Oooh hah." she tried to take the grin off her face and failed and began laughing again. "I'm sorry, Sir. I, I, I just can't help myself. But you do have to admit that it's funny."

"Oh? Is it funny enough to have your business license pulled?" The deadly serious look on his face left no question of his state of mind. "Believe me, I can and may get a court order to close the front doors of this place while an inventory is made to determine how much the owner has to satisfy any upcoming judgment. I believe you had better think again about how funny this is."

"Sir, I was not laughing at you, but at the card. Do you realize how many men would love to have a business card like this? Believe me. If this card got passed around town, you would have more free publicity than you could ever imagine getting if you paid top dollar. And the best part of it is that I can prove that you didn't plan any of this."

"Lady, I don't know what you are talking about. I already have the ethics committee chairman from the State Bar Association demanding I come in for a hearing. They do not take this sort of thing lightly." Well, she thought, at least he isn't yelling, now.

The business card was supposed to advertise the services of a cut-rate legal office. There was a picture of the face of the lawyer in the right quarter of the card. There was his name across the center of the card, along with the address and phone number. But the problem was that where the card was supposed to say, "John D. Price, Attorney," the "e" had been replaced with a "k" and the Card read, "John D. Prick," Attorney. The picture of his smiling face seemed to have a lecherous cast to it. The caption underneath the smiling face read, "My prick is always the lowest. See Prick for prick. You'll be satisfied by me every time."

"Sir," the chastened young woman said, "This is just a computer error. Please let me straighten it out. We'll reprint the order for you and throw in ten thousand extra cards. I really am sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."

"That is total bull shit. This is not a computer error. Some son of a bitch did this on purpose. See that picture? That is not the one I chose. When I placed the order I said I wanted the three quarter profile. Now I intend to find out what happened here and someone is going to pay, big time." He leaned over the counter and frowned at her.

"Look, Sir, Mr. Prick, er, I mean Price. If you sue me, I'll go out of business." Her eyes were wide with fright as she began to comprehend just how great the danger to her was. "I own this company and have been really working hard to make a go of it." She started crying, tears falling down her cheeks in steady streams. "Oh God. I'm sorry." she said in a broken voice.

"Turn the tears off, lady, I see better performances every day in court."

Suddenly the tears stopped as outrage took over. "Well, let me tell you, Mister Prick, What happened here is that the man who did my setups for me got drunk yesterday and fucked up not only your order, but at least twenty others. I fired him. The reason he got drunk was when he started setting up your order. You represented his ex-wife in a divorce and took everything he had. An hour after the divorce, his clothing was on the sidewalk in front of his house and he didn't even have a car to carry them off in. He hated you and got his revenge. So punish me for what he did and fuck you very much."

"Oh, wait. I think I know whom you mean. Was your setup man's name Frank Schooner?" His rage disappeared, as he remembered.

"Yes, it was. He was very bitter about what happened to him in court. He blamed you for ruining his life."

She had calmed down, but her cheeks still glistened with the moisture of shed tears.

"First, let me tell you that your ruined friend Frank came to court drunk and mooned the Judge. Hell, until he did that, there were no problems. The guy is his own worst enemy.

He removed his fresh handkerchief and dabbed the tears away from her cheeks. "I'm sorry if I over reacted, but I have a couple of people who are gunning for me and they have filed a formal complaint with the Bar Association claiming that I purposely ordered that card. I am in deep trouble over this. If you would accompany me to the hearing and tell what happened, I would consider it a closed matter."

"Sure. You name the time and I'll be there. I really am sorry, though."

"Just one thing, though," he requested, "Would you take out all those body piercings? The green and orange hair will be distracting enough. But the total Goth look just might be a little much for the hearing committee. I mean that some of those guys consider ankle length skirts daring.

A mean look came over her face at the effrontery of this straight suit telling her what she should look like brought out all her defensive anger. Then she stopped and thought that he was trying to meet her half way. "Okay," she meekly answered.

"The hearing is at three this afternoon. I'll pick you up at two and we'll discuss what your testimony will be on the way there. It really is only a statement of the facts, so there isn't all that much to worry about."

He started for the door and stopped and came back to the counter. He gathered up most of the cards and said, "Maybe I better save these," he paused, "for evidence." He grinned as he put the offending business cards back in the box.

She smiled and waited for him to leave, which he did, taking most of the cards with him. She grinned at one of those left behind. After all, it was funny.

Right on time, at two PM straight up, he walked into the small print shop. The door chime sounded and he heard her voice in back call, "Come on back and give me a hand."

He walked around the counter and headed back to hurry her up. He wanted to get there early and try to do a little glad-handing. It never hurt. He opened the door and saw her naked, her back to him. This was evidently her bedroom. She was furiously going through her closet. "Bah. What in hell do you wear to impress a bunch of fucking lawyers?"

"Well, I'm pretty impressed right now." he told her.

"Oh." she exclaimed, "I thought that was Shauna coming in. But since you're here, what should I wear to your meeting?" She was not the least bit discomfitted to have him see her naked.

"Well, I believe, from what I see here that your clothes are a bit too outré for most business occasions, unless they were being held on Mars." He grinned, as he said the words, taking the sting out of them. He leaned past her into the closet and pulled a black tee shirt off a hanger. He handed it to her with a nod of acceptance.

She looked at his choice doubtfully. "It doesn't say anything. It just is."

"Look," he told her, stepping back to look at all of her and not just her face. "You have a body that any normal woman would commit suicide to have. Except for its god awful color, your hair has a texture I have never seen before. Your face is perfection, even down to your sweet looking cupid bow lips. My God, woman. Why in hell do you want to hide your natural beauty to look like a cartoon character? You are the embodiment of perfection."

"Really?" she asked, awed.

"Yes, really. Now get dressed and let's get out of here before I forget why I came in the first place. We'll be late." He turned and walked out of the room, preceded by a very conspicuous bulge in the front of his pants.

Taken aback by the intensity and obvious sincerity of his avowals, she hurried to get dressed in a black tee shirt and black jeans that were only two sizes too small. (But they made her ass look great.)

Just as John Price got back out front, a chubby young woman entered the store. "Hi," she greeted him, "You must be the lawyer. I'm Shauna." She was wearing a web muscle shirt with nothing on under it. Her brightly rouged nipples stuck out through the mesh.

His eyes widened as he took in her appearance. Both nipples were pierced with dangling gold rings. As she talked, he could see the stud through her tongue. "Er, uh, hi," he answered her. Then he blurted, "Doesn't that thing hurt you got through your tongue?"

She grinned and answered, "Only if the guy gets carried away while I'm giving him head." Her smile seemed to defy him and dare him to say anything else.

"Please forgive me, but I meant just having it in your tongue, not in your mouth. I mean your tongue in your mouth, not, well... " He stopped. He could not think of another thing to say.

"When I'm sucking cock, I usually take it out, especially if the guy's uncut. Are you circumcised?" She still seemed to be mocking him.

"Why no." he answered and was saved any further comment by the young woman coming up behind him, dressed and ready to go.

Relieved, he led her out to his car and opened the door for her. She got in and he closed the door. His crotch was even with the passenger window. His hard on was framed perfectly. She grinned as he hurried around and got in behind the wheel and started the engine.

.... There is more of this story ...

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Ma/Fa / Consensual / Heterosexual / True Story / Humor / Oral Sex /