I'm a loser, always have been.
In High school the girls laughed at me, and often picked straws who would get to make a fool of me at parties. You know, play spin the bottle and when the bottle landed on me and I'd turn to kiss the girl to the left of me... all of a sudden it's a guy, puckering his lips and making smoochy noises, and a general tittering would erupt from all the girls... haha, real funny... just cause a guy is afflicted with crummy vision and has to wear coke-bottle lenses, I was branded. Un desirable, Un loveable, and definitely UN Fuckable! A brand I wore right through university, and even now. I fell in love once. Completely, and stupidly to a girl. Cynthia. A wonderfully creative and beautiful soul. She was a writer and as an artist she wore an artists passions. She taught me how to kiss one day. I was hers. Unfortunately she couldn't give herself. Having suffered some unspeakable emotional trauma as a child, she could never entirely love anyone. I moved out west where I hoped to forget her. But I never did I forget Cynthia and her gentle "cookie kisses"
I'm almost fifty now, Oh, I've been married, for 20 years. To a bitch that never really gave a shit and wouldn't even kiss me, thought it was dirty, or I was dirty. Only good thing that came from that was my two kids, or at least one of them cares.
So now I live alone, in a lousy 1 bedroom apartment that's so small I have to go outside to change my mind. No regular girl friend. It seems like the only women that pay any attention to me at all are the ones that I have to pay to do so.
Last month one of my little friends that I've been so kind to allow to stay at my place, "I have no place to stay, please please please can I stay with you, you're such a sweetheart" Oh this little blonde cutie knew where i lived and how much I was hurting for some affection, she ripped me off, to the tune of $150 and my DVD player. DAMN, I am so stupid. How could I ever believe that anyone as pretty as this little blondie would even think I was attractive?
Then Natalia came bouncing into my life. This little honey was barely 5 feet tall. A smile that would make you stop doing anything else but look at her, and sigh. A wonderful mop of brown Red hair that frames her delicate features perfectly. A trim figure with hardly any waist at all. Ok she's a working girl. I don't care any more. I am just so damn lonesome, and she is so sweet and lovely. I met her one day while desperately searching for company on a rainy evening.
"Hi, looking for company?"
Oh I've heard that line before.
"Maybe, It depends, You aren't out to rip me off are you? Or just sucker me for a quick $40 or so and split before I even get warmed up?"
"Oh no! " She looked shocked that I even asked the question, " I know some girls do that, I don't believe in that kind of thing"
"Look I'll be frank with you, I'm not your regular john. I can't just stick it in and pump like a fool and poof done good night ma'am, bang goobye. I need a more slow and gentle approach, and someone that like to kiss and make out, cuddle and get some serious foreplay going. before we get down and dirty."
"I know what you mean, I'm the same way, I like a man with a warm heart, and I pick my customers for that same quality." She gently touched my chest and traced a small heart with her left index finger. "That to me is way more important that looks or anything else."
I nodded and gestured her to come with me, as she walked along with me. We chatted about pets and how she liked cats and had cats all her life, and that she loved the way they purred and swayed their tail around your legs when they wanted to say hello. We talked about music, I mentioned my love of almost any kind of music, but especially Jazz. We talked about family, hers and mine, we talked about ex relationships, we talked and talked and talked. The more we talked the more I fell in love with her. Here was someone that related, maybe not the most educated woman around, you could tell from her questions about my computer that she lacked some basic twenty first century skills, but she was not stupid, she watched intently and genuinely interested as I explained about what I did in Photoshop where I work. She could be taught. After a while though when the lights dimmed and the music filled the room with soft warm sounds, and she started to kiss me, and so lovingly and gently touch me, and run her fingertips all up and down my neck and back. I held her face in my hands, like a nervous bird, barely touching her, and kissed her lips and felt her tongue slip in and slide over mine. I was filled with a thrill I had not felt in a very very long time, not since Cynthia had I felt this sensation of complete rapture. I was lost in her eyes, in her smile, her touch and now her kisses were making me woozy.
Then she took my hand and pulled me to my feet melted into my arms and kissed me more slipping her tongue over my throat and neck. I was getting more than a little aroused. My pants were tenting impressively, especially interesting since I am not a very well endowed man, my penis being only 5 and half inches long but I guess I make up for it in girth being 6 inches around,. Slowly, we kissed and loved each other, she slid out of her top, letting her sweater fall to the ground as I marvelled at her small but wonderfully perky breasts. Her nipples were incredibly responsive and extended fully two inches from the dome of her breasts, I couldn't resist as I cupped one and sucked in her other in my mouth, she hissed in approval as I played gently and wetly with her alive nubbins. Hse sighed and swayed as I ran my eager hands down her flat and hardened tummy. I lowered my head and licked at her abs and navel. Her fingers intertwined in my hair and she held me close to her as I laved at her torso.
"Oh Lord, Natie, I want to explore every bit of you."
"Oh sweetie, You do so know how to love me, but the pants stay on this time, I'm so sorry, but you know, it's just not good now."
I knew what she meant, and nodded my understanding.
"I promise next time very very soon, I want you to do it all to me, believe me. but now, my sweet, it's your turn."
"Natie, you gotta know, I haven't been able to get up for a long long time, you will probably find me a challenge, or get tired trying to get me off" I had heard such complaints from these girls before
"Let me worry about that. Just lie back and relax, and let yourself enjoy it."
She pushed me on the bed and slipped my underwear off. Once relieved of my fruit of the looms, she proceeded to lie between my legs and look me in the face as she started to lick, at first, the suck, then completely engulf me in her mouth. Now I have not gotten many blow jobs in my 49 years. The ex simply refused, I had my first one only 4 years ago, but this time, with natalia... oh man, she slurped and licked and sucked me deep into her mouth, never ever taking her eyes of mine, although I must admit my eyes surely left my sockets many times while she performed her miracle on me. I was completely ensconced into her throat, and yet she never scraped me with her teeth, or bit me accidentally, She fucked her mouth with my dick and ran her hands over my balls and crotch. She licked along the sides and hummed and moaned, she sucked it in deep the stroked me up and down and licked the tip, then took me in deep again and ever so gently ran her teeth on the base. Then repeated the process, until the inevitable came to happen.
"OH my UUUUUUUUUUUnghhhhh" I exploded, I writhed and wriggled all over as I orgasmed, and Natalia never took her mouth off me, all through my ecstasy, she took me deeper and deeper in her moth and she swallowed all of it. Not one drop escaped her ministrations. I let go what felt surely like a gallon of dead baby juice into her gently humming and moaning mouth.
"See, I knew there was nothing wrong with you. Impotent, my ass!" she beamed at me with that wide smile and kissed me.
She went home that night, with my heart in her pocket. And $40. And her phone number in my book. And a promice to see me again soon.
My dreams have since been pleasantly disturbed by visions of her in my mind. Dreams of her warm and naked in my arms. Dreams of me gently loving her, undressing her slowly and kissing every part as it became exposed to view. Dreams of my filling her with all my love, in as many positions that time would allow. But especially dreams of my lavishing her with oral affection unside her slender thighs, and the wonderful place they meet. I would watch her writhe and wiggle in my dreams, as I let my tongue enjoy its explorations of her womanhood. Inside and out. I dreamed how she would arch her back and pull my head into her crotch as I made her cum, not once or twice, but over and over again, licking and sucking and inserting a finger and gently flicking around inside her to find that elusive g spot, ooooo found it... now she's really cuming alive, she is pumping at me so intensely that we have effectively moved completely around the bed. She wrangles her way around and is about to engulf me in her special attention... and the clock warns of the approach of sunrise. Damn.
Weeks later, Natalia and I have met a few times since. We were even supposed to go together on a "real"date, to see Lord Of the Rings... Return of the King" but her and her daughter got sick. And yes I believe her. This lady, and I do consider her a lady despite her profession, has been nothing less than sweet and gentle and everything I have ever wanted in a woman. I have had long warm and lingering dreams of her almost every night since our first meeting. I am starting to feel afraid. Afraid that I am feeling something I should not. How can one fall in love with a "Working Girl". How do I resolve "sharing her" with all those men... I am afraid that I may become stupid and jealous, when I can't afford to keep her off the street. The nagging possibility that she's also a drug addict bothers me, also I am starting to fear my feelings will betray me, just as they have so many times before. And yet I cannot help myself. Her "answering service" freind told me she has the habit of running away when she feels that things get too close. I don't dare get pushy or possessive. Oh Lord help me. How did this happen. It is so bitter sweet. I feel myself falling in love with her, and yet I cannot possibly afford a long term relationship with her, unless she wants to maintain it herself. I feel so helpless, and yet...
I met her on The day before Christmas Eve, and we had a "date" I had found something I thought matched her charisma, and my limited budget. A sparkelely necklace and bobby pin set with coloured rhinestones. Almost right after she was in my home, I pulled her to me and embraced her and kissed her with all the love I could muster. The I gave her her Christmas Gift, She had the most wonderful smile. Her eyes glimmered with happiness as she opened it and opened in wide eyed wonderment as she looked ta them. She handled them delicately. She seemed to particularly like the hair clips. She kissed me deeply and appreciatively.
"I didn't get you anything."
"I don't care, don't need anything." except for you, I said in my head.
"They are so beautiful"
"They aren't expensive, but they sparkle so wonderfully, Just like you."
"I sparkle? Really?"
"Oh yes, like nothing or no one I know."
She kissed me again.
We proceeded to chat on and on again about movies and wanting to go see Lord of the Rings. I reached to my bookshelf and found my old Ballentine Books paperbacks. One of the first American Authorized printings of the trilogy.
"Here, these have brought me great pleasure since high school. It's time they were passed on. Look at this, you put the covers together and it forms a single image."
She was fascinated, I was rapt.
We talked more and longer than we have before. She told me of the troubles she has with her daughter, a smart 3 year old. Told me all about she is reading and always acting so precocious. And yet her daughter is also demanding and a big handful. Overactive and full of endless questions. Add to all this that she is making Natalia crazy with premature demands for particular brands of clothing. I have raised 2 children, who are now grown and on their own, I remember this phenomenon, but not a 3 years old. I couldn't help but laugh. Not at Natialia's dilemma, but at the situation. I could see poor pretty Natie with her hands on her head wondering how come she is doing this so young.
I found myself rubbing her neck she leaned into my massage
"That feels nice, don't stop"
I didn't. Her neck was exceedingly soft and warm. I couldn't stop if I wanted to. In fact, I leaned over and kissed her throat, and held her close to me.
"Why do I always feel so warm and stress free when I come here. I wish I could spend more time with you"
"Natalia, listen to me, you never have to look farther than this place if you need a break, an escape valve or just a place to sit quiet. Please. I mean it. Consider this your home. You will always find me waiting with open arms. I have no one else. My kids never visit, or rarely anyway. All I have at night is my cat. And hes not that much fun to cuddle."
Peewee strolled by and rubbed his furry grey cheek and rolled his long tail around her leg.
"I will take you up on that, you know."
"I'm counting on it."
We kissed again. Deeper and sexier. She licked my tongue and lips. I felt myself get aroused. She took my hand again, and repeating the past encounters lifted me to my feet and pulled me to the bedroom. I followed sheepishly, but with anticipation. I knew what was coming. I was hoping that tonight, maybe.
Her shirt lifted and got pulled over her head. I stood in front of her and she reached for my belt. This was new. I have never been undressed by anyone before. I was getting hard. My pants tented. She insistently, but slowly pulled my pants to below my knees, and lowered my underwear.
"OOOo someone is happy to see me."
Her hand envelloped my hard on. It felt wonderful, a velvet glove sheathed me, and stroked me.I closed my eyes and moaned quietly. When I reopened my eyes I saw her looking into them and that glowing smile I love so much was shimmering in the dim light.
"Why don't you lie down and enjoy this."
But I wasn't done yet. I reached for her and caressed her. Sliding my hands all over her slender back, and kissing her neck and throat. Her breasts were bared to my hands and I cupped one lovingly. I leaned over more and licked her hardened nipple. Oh God she hissed her passion for it in my ears and licked me down my neck just below my left ear. I shivered. My dick quivered in her soft hands as well. I reached for her belt and felt her hands touch mine.
"No sorry, not yet, I know I really, really want it too, but it's not time yet."
I was disappointed, but I nodded. I had been told by her friend that she had recently suffered a yeast infection. I understood what this muct be about. I still stroked her crotch and the inside of her thigh. She pushed me gently on the bed and stroked me several times. And then... O O my god... and then She did what she does best. She pulled me inside her mouth and filled her self with my meat. O O the feelings. Incomparable softness and warmth, and wetness and she proceeded to hum. And moan, and suck wetly and moved her mouth off me for a moment and then brought it back down, the she licked my balls and down the side of my penis. O mygod, never, ever, never. I moaned and arched my back, I reached for that shiny mop of brown auburn hair. I didn't pull her down on me, but I caressed her ears and ran my fingers in her hair. Oh I was going to... maybe, I felt the quiver in my legs begin, Oh please let me, God please. (At this point let me preface by saying that ejaculation has been a spotty event for me with a woman since my 45th birthday. I am at best a long term project) I want ed to, I felt the muscles quiver and shiver and contract and pulse. My back arched and wiggled and writhed. My hands grasped the headboard of the bed and pulled me up. And yet... nothing. I pulled and pushed. I pleaded I begged, still... nothing.
"I am so sorry, I have to go, It's that time again"
She always has to be home by eleven, for her baby.
"Dang, Natalia, You have to know something" I held her close and kissed her as sexily as I could muster."even though, I didn't... you know... I did. I told you before, I sometimes just run out of gas, so to speak, But believe me, I enjoyed that completely and enourmously. NO ONE can make me feel like you can, darlin, Really!"
She returned my kisses and hugged me to her.
"I know, I could tell, and I wish I didn't have to go, I love your kisses and your hot chocolate and all the affection and understanding you offer me, and so much more. You can never know how much it means to me too, that you would offer me the comfort of your home like you do. Sometimes the stress is just so much, I t's nice to know, I can come here"
"And don't you ever hesitate, even for a minute. If you want or need for anything. I'm here. In fact, you mentioned you were going to the store, did you get what you needed?"
"No, Ok then lets go."
I tool her to the local all night store, she picked milk and a few small goodies for her kid. I then asked her if that was all. I told her not to be shy, and grab what she needed, I told her to take some juice, because it was flu season. She did. I then got her a pay as you go card for her cell phone. I paid the clerk. A woman standing at the counter next to us gave me a dirty look. Natalia wasn't dressed like a street girl or like a cheap whore, so I have no idea how she came to whatever conclusion she had decided upon. I doffed my hat to her and we left.
"Thanks you so much for this."
"I don't mind, when I have the spare money, it's no bother at all."
She hugged me to her.
"MMMMM I don't want to go." She complained.
"And I miss you already"
"But I have to go. My baby wkes up at stupid hours still."
"I know, It's Ok, I'll see you soon?"
We kissed and hugged again and parted.
I felt warm and fuzzy for days.
Its now the Sunday after Boxing day. I was looking in my wallet this morning and found I was missing a $100 note. Oh Oh. Fortunately it's not a total tragedy as I have an uncashed cheque in there too, more irritating than anything, it could be much worse. Then I got to the store. Sales at the camera store I work at have not been outstanding. My employer has been increasingly nervous about inventory levels, and since I am "The Guy" I got the brunt of his worry today. It went on and on all through the entire day, from store opening to closing, whenever a customer came in he'd shut up, but he'd start right back in as soon as store was devoid of clients again (almost the whole day). I was left with a gigantic ego bruise and deflated and depressed. Once I got in my apartment. The combination of disappointments accumulated, and I broke down. I sobbed and cried in my hands for hours. My daughter called, my friend from out of town called. Neither helped much. Then I called Natalia.
"Hi!" her voice was bright and cheery.
"Hi, how are you?"
"Oh, I'm doing better, after yesterday, (her 3 year old had been giving her a very demanding and stressful day) I'm less stressed out today."
"Oh thats good"
"You?, How was your day?"
"Really, How come?" You could hear some concern in her voice.
"Just a bad day at work"
"Do you need me to come over?"
"Oh yeah! Can you?"
"I'll be about half an hour, Ok?"
"Oh take your time, don't get all in a hurry, I think we both can use some stress free time together, eh?"
"Ok I'll bee there in about half and hour still."
"Ok see you then."
I put the kettle on for her favourite hot chocolate.
The door buzzer sang.
"Hi It's me."
"Come on in!"
She was bundled in a white parka. The weather had turned cold and ice was covering the sidewalks. She fell into my arms and we kissed. She petted Peewee. She parked herself at the couch in the already dimmed light of the living room. I had a Diana Krall CD playing. She commented on how much she enjoyed the music.
"I'm going to stop calling you Pierre and start calling you Prince. You are always my Prince Charming, you seem to always find me or call me when I really need you. Like your psychic or something"
"I am a bit of an empath, but that's hard to explain with a straight face."
I brought out her extra huge size mug of steamy chocolatey richness. She grasped the mug in both hands and savoured the warm liquid and helped herself to some Christmas cookies.
"Take whatever you like"
"MMMM I love these."
I felt like saying "and I love you!" but didn't. I just beamed. I suddenly felt better, my bosses stupid tirade was a long forgotten noise. I knelt on the couch next to her. She grasped my hand We began to chat, talking about the bad stuff of our days, I told her about my jerky boss's accusations. I waved them off as trivial and she went on to talk about when she used to have a job doing counciling. I listened in fascination, I knew she wasn't a dummy. I looked in her eyes and ever so gently held her hand in mine all the while she stroked my fingers with hers. She explained about how she had to leave because of the hassles she was going through with her ex husband. I tsked knowingly. I knew exactly what she meant. The lies and accusations of a failed marriage are never any fun. And the finger pointing, asserting she was to blame for it's collapse.I asked if she could return. She said that she had even recieved inquiries about that very possibility. She expressed that yes, but she would require training with computers to go back first. I told her she could use mine, anytime. I thought to myself, If she got off the street, and got to working again, I'd marry this wonder in a second.
Time rolled on. The clock was pressing the deadline.
She took my hand in the customary way. She pulled my into the bedroom, but something was different. She kept her shirt on this time. I held her to me and slipped my hand inside and she was not wearing a bra. She took my pants and shorts off and started to minister to my waiting penis as she always did. Passionately and relentlessly, and more importantly, lovingly. I groaned as she played with me. Much the same result as before, darn it. I really wanted to let one go too. I pulled her up and kissed her neck and throat. I pulled her shirt up and cupped her breast in my hands and slid one hand over her taut tummy. She was defined and hard. And she sighed as I touched her. This time I slid a hand over her pubic mound. She sighed again. I undid her jeans. She allowed me.
"Time for me to return the favour"
"OOOO I can't I gotta go, the time, Sweetness. Will you be up later? I wantr to come back and cuddle some more."
"I can be. Yes please come back, so I can finish this. I ran a hand over her crotch again"
"OOO I want you to, I love your tongue and fingertips. Your hands are so srong and gentle.I want to come back in a bit, once my little one is in bad. I often go for late walks, I could come here."
I was getting excited.
"Oh yeah great, Yes!!"
"Ok then " she kissed me several times warmly and passionately. We broke and she re donned her coat and fell back into my arms and kissed me some more. Be back really soon, my Prince."
I waited until 2 (most of that time spent writing this) then went to bed, I fully expected the buzzer to go off. It never did. I felt like dying, although I was certain there was a good and reasonable cause for her failure to come back. I was more than willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I imagined her baby had awakened and could not be put back to sleep without Mommy in bed with her. (Natie told me her daughter sometimes acts out like this) So why not. I still felt crappy and wept in my pillow in the last few moments before sunrise.
Oh Damn, Now I have to go back to that shit face of a boss for another day. I let the memory of Natalia's kisses and the promise of the inside of her panties keep me going for yet another day. I must have whacked off at least 3 times that morning. All I could think of. was her taut tummy, tight erect nipples, (so sweet and delectable, just screaming to be suckled) and the softness of her skin just below her belt and my exploring her feminine secrets.
I'm a stupid bonehead.
I am so obsessed with Natalia, Concerned for her and her child. Worried about evrything, I called her this evening wanting to see her. She said things were so so, she wanted to come to see me. I wanted to take her out for a nice dinner. But i never told her. I wanted to surprise her, So I set off immediately to meet her.
Called her friend She hadn't left yet. It was snowing outside.
I had called at 4 it was now after 6
Called Her friend again.
She must be about ready by now you'd think
Left again to meet her.
Waited in the lobby
Still so Natalia
I went back home
Called her friend again
Natalia came to the phone
Hi I'm just leaving now, I'm sorry
I was in the lobby waiting to surprise you for an hour.
I didn't know that
How could you. Possibly know, I don't know oyur appartment number.
I wouldn't go there anyway. Not with the possibility of getting her baby's dad the jerk
I wanted to take you out for dinner
I wont have time for dinner I wanted to get some money to pay my friend back and some for me, and I just won't be able tonight.
Ok then well whatever, just get here.
Her freind called me and started to talk.
She was defineately on her way now. She had her coat on and everything.
I told her I think I was being manipulated. That Natalia just wanted to see me tonight for money.
She sighed and proceeded to tell me some of her dumbass baby's dad was pulling.
My heart melted. How can I be so selfish. Thinking only of her and my fun. Her baby's at risk with a stoned stupid ass looking after her baby. No wonder she can't get away. And she's being pushed out to work to feed his habit. Mostly. How can she clean herself up. If HE's gonna be hanging around and doping his head all the time. I was getting angry. I wanted to find her and pull her baby away and get them both here with me But the time is not right. The timing is too fast, too sudden. But I know it will take something radical and sudden to stop the hurting.
Natie hurry and come to me. And yet I know why if you can't. I just wish I could help NOW. 6 months from now, I know I will be better able. I need that to happen. She needs that to happen. I just hope I can hear her say "I love you" Once. I want her to want me, not just want me to get her out.
Still no Natalia
Getting lonesome again.
My life sux,
Her life sux
Her Baby's life is in jeopardy
And I can't do hardly anything except feed money to the black hole of her jerk off's need.
It's Tuesday. Two days til New Years. I couldn't stand it any longer. Waiting, begging the fates to bring her to my door. "Natalia, come to me" I'd pray, to no one in particular.
I didn't want to call her first. I wanted her to call me, or just show up at my door. I had been thinking of where we had left off the last time. I was determined no matter who makes the first move... The next meeting is for her, no blow job for me, unless she wants to make it a 69. Nuh Unh. The vision of her smiling face and her sweet voice haunted me all day. Even my stinky stupid boss couldn't bring me down from my cloud. I am truly getting frightened. She has been waking up emotions in me I long thought as dead. I am so afraid of the consequences of revealing my real dreams to her. How much I want to NOT be a customer, I want to be her Lover, her boyfriend, maybe even her husband. My heart has been broken so many times, I sometimes wonder if I ever get open heart surgery, would they find the 'ol ticker just pasted together with staples and duct tape? Every relationship I've engaged in has been a disaster. Cynthia, Faith (my ex), Tami, (a wonderful woman I met online and convinced me to visit her in California when my marriage broke apart... she was sweet and lovely, but just too stinking far away, she found another boyfriend, and I had to move on). I was sure the same would happen here. Besides, how can I be seriously in love with a woman that plies her trade as she does. Oh God, Help Me! Natalia had mentioned she wanted to quit the streets, go back to cancelling, Maybe, just maybe, I could be the one she wants to take her off. NAH, How could she want me, I looked at myself in the mirror, 5 foot 4 (barely) fat, graying, 49 years old and almost blind, and not rich. LOSER you're a LOSER why would she want you, I kicked at myself, why would anyone as lovely as this think you're boyfriend material. What a joke. And yet, she sends me all these signals, The wonderful sexy kisses. Calling me her Prince. The way she just holds my hands when we walk together. The endless smiles and loving glances... I must be imagining this. But I want to believe. No one has wanted to care for such a long time where the feeling was mutual
I was hoping against hope
I wept as I picked up the phone. I shook as I punched the numbers. Damn her cell is dead again... Oh well, I'll call her friend upstairs. Busy, double damn. I tried again.
"Hi, It's Pierre."
"O, Ok I'll just run downstairs and get her."
The line went quiet. I waited. A minute or two passed.
"OOO Hi there, OO I've been thinking about you all day, I was just thinking to go to your place, and I wasn't sure when you'd be in."
"Yup, I'm almost always in around 8"
"Ok, so I'll leave in a few minutes then."
"MMM I'll have the kettle on."
"I won't be able to go til around 8:30 or so, so don't put it on just now, O and I'll bring "Rat Race " back too, I never laughed so much. Thank you so much for letting me borrow it."
"Absolutely, Ok I'll be waiting for you."
When she arrived My heart filled with joy. Her enormous smile lit up her face and I could think of nothing but kissing her.
It had been snowing, a rarity here, and it was staying too, making truly a strange event.
"Is it white enough for you?"
"I love it when its all new and crunchy and fluffy."
"Well at least you're bundled up enough for it."
We kissed again. She greeted Peewee and he purred his hellos to her as she petted him. She removed her parka, then her vested sweater.
I made her the usual gigantic mug of hot chocolate. She sat at the couch and sipped at it contentedly. She is always so happy and content to be here. I played some Enya in the background. She enjoyed the lilting Celtic sound and the choir like voices.
"I wasn't sure you wanted me to come back after the last time. I'm sorry I disappointed you, I should never have promised to come back when I couldn't. There was such a stressful scene, I just couldn't get away."
"No worries, sweetie. I had the notion that it might have been something like that. That's why I am always telling you. That this is you home, seriously. When things are too much to take come here. Please, Please!"
I looked into her eyes and her smile filled me with confidence. I felt I couldn't hold it in anymore. My heart felt like it would burst if I didn't say it.
"There are 3 little words I want to say to you, Natalia, I am just so afraid that you might get scared or feel pressured and run away. All my relationships have always always turned to crap. I don't want this to end, But, Natalia, Natie, I don't want to be your customer any more. I want to be your Lover. Oh God Now I've said it. You fill me heart with joy every time I am near you. I don't want that to end. I want to share my life with you. I know I'm a lousy catch. I'm short fat and half blind. But you bring out feelings in me I haven't felt since I was 15."
"Oh my, Oh I know, I want you to know I think of you all the time too. I know when I'm with you I feel so relaxed and so full of your affection and respect."
"When we first met it was respect, Now, it's Love." I touched her cheek and let my fingers revel in the softness of her throat and neck.
"Pierre I won't run away, The feelings are very much mutual."
I got the feeling that she had trouble saying the three little words. But her attitude and her gestures and her glow came through. All the time she held my hand and stroked my plam and fingers with her own. Her eyes filled with understanding and moistened as she leaned over and kissed me. This one was a new kiss, she held me to her pulled my face to her and slipped her tongue in my mouth. She stroked my neck and ears as she continued to fill my head with steam.
"I love you, Natalia" I caressed her face again and drew her against my chest as we hugged.
"Natie, Tomorrow is New Years eve, I want us together to ring in the New Year, I want to either join you at your place or you to come here, with your daughter if you have to. I want to I need to. "Mmmm I'd have to arrange a sitter."
"Natie, I am going to have to meet your baby some time. Why not just have me there, or is that going to be a problem with your "other"
"Oh You know, I'd just love to, but I don't think it's going to be possible. There's a lot of reasons, but for now let's just say the logistics wouldn't work."
"O, dang, well Ok, I guess." I was a bit hurt at her rejection, but at least she didn't reject me, just the New Years eve out.
That night she didn't do her magic on me, we were to far engaged in our conversation. We talked about her career hopes. I told her I had a thought, her unhappiness with her situation, and my own loneliness screamed for a new plan of action.
"Natalia, my divorce is final now, and my ex is getting remarried in May, That means no more alimony payments. I was thinking. I want to move from this drug infested neighbourhood. If you could get off the streets, if you felt so inclined, maybe come May or June, between you and I we could make enough to get a 2 bedroom apartment away from here."
She never looked straight at me, but she smiled and nodded.
"Maybe, I'd have to think on that."
"In any event, to reinforce what I said about this being your home, I'm going to get keys made for you."
"That would be nice." She looked at me and smiled the big broad glowing smile that makes me sing in my heart. "But in any event, I have to go, it's that time again, can I make a call first."
"Oh sure. Go ahead."
She picked up the cordless and keyed in the number.
"Hi, It's Natalia, How long? Ok" She hung up. "So I better go, mybabysitter is asking me to come now, so You know"
"Ok, so until next time."
A few weeks later some time and several meetings have come to pass. I have discovered a few important facts.
1) She is definitely an addict. Heroin, Damn. But she has signed on to a Methadone programme to get off the juice, and is currently sticking to the regimen faithfully. The big trick is that her stupid abusive live in partner, is also using and has it in her face all the time.which brings us to number 2
2) Graham, the beast in question, has been a jerk and a half. It's bad enough that he has no plans to stop his drug abuse. But he has parties with all the neighbourhood joining in and all smoking and whatever. She has already served him notice that she is leaving him, but he hasn't as yet, and it has made connecting difficult some days. May evenings she refuses to come out if she feels he willnot look after her daughter properly. This is the major source of the "Broken promises" to see me at night. Natalia has told me that the target date for the big escape is the end of February. She has made all kinds of legal financial plans in motion, making sure that Graham is locked out of her accounts and her tax logs. Making sure all her legal papers show her as separated or single as appropriate. Sorting and disposing of unnecessary items Her main worry is her daughter, and how she will handle the big break when it comes. Her older sisters and her Aunt all told her that she would get over it, and not to worry too much. This woman has had enough of crap relationships, two long term situations, one went so far as to stage a break in to steal her stuff, furniture and valuables just to get enough money to get a fix! The other gets her involved in prostitution, so she can pay for both thier habits!! She's been used enough! Time for a loving real relationship with someone that really cares for her and needs her safe and healthy. Like me!