"... so damned unpretty..." blared out of the radio, as TLC's once famous song brought me back to a time 15 years ago...
"Why In the hell do you like me?" Linda asked.
"Because You are lovable sweetie!" I stated, wondering why she could never understand that I could love her.
"What do you mean? All I am is an ugly freak!" She began to cry.
Holding her to my shoulder, I recalled what my mom once said to me 2 years ago. Being a guy of 16, I couldn't understand why she felt this way, but, decided to parrot the once wise words that had saved my life.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I see you as lovely. I don't know why you keep trying to see yourself as something less."
She sniffled, pulled her head back and looked at me like I was from Mars(Which, since then, I have learned that Men truly are from Mars and Women are from Venus!)
"What do you mean Trying to see myself as something less?" She queried, while trying to puzzle out if I was being serious.
"I mean, you are beautiful. The only way you could not see this is if you were trying not to. There is too much good about you to not see any of it!" I exclaimed
She looked into my eyes again, and I saw something there that scared the shit out of me.
"I am nothing special. As a matter of fact, I don't understand what you would ever want with a girl like me." She said.
Sighing, I leaned back against the lockers. This required a story that I was certain I did not want to tell in the middle of the crowded halls in our school (Can you say dope fiends? I knew that you could! <sorry Mr. Rogers!>) "Can you come with me to a place that I know. It will give us a few minutes to talk privately. I need to let you know something about me. It will be hard to hear, and I think even harder to say."
"... uhh... Sure, I guess. What does that have to do with..." she started
Not trying to be rude, I grabbed her hand and started walking... towards the administration building! As she trailed along with me, I could feel her getting more and more concerned with our destination. Not pausing once we arrived, I pulled her into a closed office. I took a moment to compose myself and to place a short call on the interoffice phone. Then, turning towards her, I started to talk.
"Lynn, I have been your boyfriend for 2 years. Ever since I got to this school, you have always been there. Remember us meeting in Mr. Hall's Geometry class that first day?" I hurried on seeing her smile in recollection "Well, I kinda lied to everyone as to why I transferred here at the beginning of Sophomore year." I looked at her to make sure I had her attention.
"I was raped." I couldn't think of a better way to come out and say it, and with her shocked look, I figured I might as well go on before she ran out screaming "As you know, My dad is... well he lets just say he is VERY devout in his Christian beliefs. You know I am a geek and at 120 Lbs, I have always been... Well... easy prey for bullies. In my freshman year, I was raped by a teacher at a Christian school. I tried to tell my dad, buy he thought that I was lying to cover up for the fact I was doing badly in that teacher's class. My mom overheard the conversation and came in. She told my dad to shut the fuck up!" I chuckled, thinking back at the shocked look on my dads face.
"You should have seen my dad. He looked like someone had smacked him in the face with a cold fish. He sat there with his mouth trying to make words, and looking at my mom like she was from another planet. She then told me to finish telling them what happened. I tried to make them understand that I wasn't a fag or nothing. But, I could see the look on my dads face. He had already decided that I was something less than he would pick up after the dog." near tears I concluded "I decided that I needed to die."
Looking at her, I figured I had shot my wad; she was going to run out of the room freaked beyond belief. Much to my surprise, she asked "What happened then?" She seemed enthralled by the story.
Feeling the pain and humiliation of the past, I continued.
"I finally got through the story with my parents. Then came the police, every man I looked at had pity or disgust in their eyes, and I didn't know how to deal with it. Once we got through with the police, it was damn near 10pm. I was so tired, all I wanted to do was put my plan into motion. 20 sleeping pills and I would never have to wake up again. Going to the bathroom, I started to open the bottle of medicine as the thoughts and feelings of the day had rushed through me. Feeling Pain, Humiliation, and Fear, all because I wasn't a big enough man to protect my manhood. I was spoiled, a freak and a total disappointment to both of my parents." Here I stopped, unable to go on.
Tears were pouring down my cheeks, as I noticed Mrs. Lopez sitting with us. I guess she had come in sometime during my story. She had known of my story, but I wasn't sure if she believed me until that moment. I saw the same tears flowing across her cheeks that were mirrored on my own. Drawing on something I didn't know that I had, I resumed.
"I downed the pills. I remember thinking that I hoped this would make me look better to my dad. I hoped he would know that I was trying to fix things for him. I sorta stumbled into my room, not able to see that well, and passed out on the bed. My last wish was that my mom would not worry about me and mess this up."