Sunday, February 25, 2001 5:17AM
So much on my mind lately. Today I spent most of the day home, and did give you a call, to see how you were doing. Although you seemed distant during the conversation, I was very happy when I got that message you sent me. I am missing you so much right now too that it hurts.
We've only known each other for just a few months, and yet I sometimes feel a connection with you that I don't even have with Karen. You are so much like the person that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. It's not surprising how so many guys want to be with you, and I feel so lucky and privileged to have spent such intimate moments with you. We talk about almost everything, and help each other with our problems. Even before, I would look forward to meeting you when we would have class together, and am so happy when I see you. Those days when you don't come to school, I get worried about you, and feel sad that I don't get a chance to see you. It's weird, since every day we wait for each other when one of us is late, and we walk to class together. We each lunch together, and we study together. I'm so happy just being with you, and seeing you, that I surprised myself that night when I kissed you.
Backtrack: Wednesday, February 21, 2001. A very powerful day. That day, after English class, we went out to lunch at Uno's. During most of lunch we were talking about your relationship with Brian, and how when you two made love, it seemed more like he was doing it for himself - to relieve his own stress. You wanted to figure out a way to make things different, to make things new again. We discussed various things that you could do to make it better for both of you, but I didn't feel good about this, because I was advising you on ways to make Brian happier, when he doesn't deserve it. I mean, seeing the way he treated you in the past, and how he always puts himself and his business before you, makes me really mad. I admit, I don't know everything there is to know about you, but from what I do know, you're a caring, loving person who will do worlds for the person you care about. Sometimes, I would feel that if we were together, I could show you the right way a guy should treat you, to keep you happy. Even though it hurts me to know I have these feelings when I have Karen, but Karen seems distant to me. I'm not talking about physical distance, rather the feeling I get around her.
I've been going out with Karen for more than 5 years now. 5 years is a long time, and we have a lot of history and memories, but our relationship didn't come naturally. I was the one that initiated many of the things between us, and although things were better during the beginning, we had many problems. A lot of the things that I would want in a relationship, she did only in the beginning because she felt she had to do it. Later on, she decided that those things she didn't like, she wouldn't do anymore. Things like holding, hugging, kissing, and many others, including sex. Now, to me, these things are a very necessary part in my relationship with anyone, and I have the feeling that I'm holding on to the relationship because of the fact that it's easier to stay together than to break up. Yes, I do love Karen, but does that mean I'm in love with her? I don't know anymore. I can't say yet that I love you, but the potential is definitely there, and I do feel it very strongly. But I can't bring myself to say that to you yet. Maybe because we haven't talked to each other yet about what has been happening to us lately, but love is something that you feel, regardless of how the other feels, right? I know that if we met 3 or 4 years ago, right now I would say that I love you. But back then, love was very immature, and I had less experiences than I do now. And, I know that if we were to start a relationship together, if Karen or Brian were not in our lives, that I would find myself falling in love with you very quickly. I will only say those words to you when the time is right, otherwise those words are cheap and without meaning. And I desperately want those words to have meaning when I say them to you.
Well, back to the other day. After we finished lunch, but not quite finished with our conversation, we went back to school to go to English class. After English class, we went to the 3rd floor of the library, to write our personal memoirs for class. We worked on this for a while, and surprisingly Brian didn't call. After we were done, around 6pm, we decided to go down to your car, where we could talk and smoke at the same time, while waiting for Brian to call you when he was done. We talked more about sex, and after hearing about how frustrated you were with Brian, and how he wouldn't even take the time to kiss you, I felt really upset, and I knew you were too. I reached over, and held your hand. After sitting there for a few minutes, while listening to the radio, I looked over, and saw you sitting there, with you head looking over towards me while resting on your shoulder. You looked so sad right then, and I after looking at you closely, I looked forward and said this: "I really want to kiss you right now." I let go of your hand, and covered my face, not believing that I actually said that. I apologized, to which you said "it's okay." Then, I did the thing that I had thought about for the past few days. I looked at you, then leaned over. I was very close to you, and was looking at your eyes. They were darting back and forth, almost like you were not sure where you wanted to look. I noticed you starting to breath deeper, and that your heart was beating faster. I leaned in, and that's when my phone rang. I then shut off my phone, and looked back over at you. You almost looked sadder, and I told you to come over. You leaned towards me, and I just held you for a while, feeling guilty for what I tried to do, and deciding whether or not I wanted to try again. After holding you, with your head on my left shoulder with you facing me, I pulled back a little, and tilted my head down. Again, when I saw your face, your eyes were darting all over the place. Then I leaned my head further down, and kissed you. Although there was little reaction from you, I kissed you again. Then you started kissing me back.
I can honestly say that the way I felt that night, I hadn't felt in a long, long time. I felt bad for a while, thinking that I took advantage of you. But that moment felt so right, so good, that I wished it wouldn't ever end. But, after a while, it did. I'm not sure if we both just stopped, or if Brian called. But, after we stopped, we both just sat back, and after a moment, I asked you, "are you okay?" and you just nodded. I asked you if there was anything you wanted to say, and you replied, "Why?"
.... There is more of this story ...