My mind wandered too easily these days. I wondered whether you really missed me and still loved me or if I had become an albatross around your neck. There was little for me to think about where you were concerned. I loved you simply and fully. It was not a love that smothered. I could be separate in body from you and still love you deeply as if I knew every fiber of you, as if I knew your smell during passionate lovemaking and when you were shining with sweat after a hard play at basketball. Neither offended me. Rather I could revel in you. Yet here I was, my mind wandering again, trying vainly to understand what it was about you that kept me irevocably tied to you as a boat tied to a dock.
I decided quite quickly to call and book a flight to Boston. I'd put in for a week off. I decided not to tell you of my impending visit. It was not like me to "sneak" up on you for I prided myself on privacy for myself as well as for others. I just felt that if I told you ahead of time and I got scared and backed out you'd be devastated and therefore so would I. I did not want to hurt you anymore than I already had.
When my plane had reached an altitude where we could loosen our seatbelts I quickly unhooked myself and stood up stretching. I tend to do that when I'm nervous about something. And indeed, I had reason to be nervous. You had pleaded with me for several years to meet you. We had a few good opportunities to do that. But something always held me back. Of course, your being married didnt help. We fell in love so easily, you and I. Neither of us were looking for a complicated relationship and yet we somehow found the other compelling enough to withstand any hardship just to be together. I was not one to "date" married men but with you it never seemed that you were. At least, not before. Now it seemed that you were deeply engrossed in your marriage and your life and I somehow felt the intruder. It made me sad and I must admit a little angry. So it was with mixed emotions that I slowly and carefully walked up toward the front of the plane to use the restroom. We were fifteen minutes from landing and I wanted to freshen up. I was fifteen minutes closer to you.
Logan Airport is by contrast an easy place to circumvent. I was grateful for that because my sense of direction inside walled confines was lacking, to say the least.I was also very nervous. I'd already booked a rental car but had not made reservations anywhere to stay. I wanted to drive to where you worked. When I got in my car I pulled out the address you'd given me two years ago. Then I pulled out the map of Massachusettes. I studied both carefully trying to figure out a route. The sun beat down and caused my forehead to sheen with sweat. I turned the car on so I could run the air conditioner. The soft hum and cool moist air ruffled the map gently to and fro. I'd decided to wear a silk skirt for I knew you liked the feel of silk against my skin. But now as I sat in the car the cool air blew up the inside of my skirt between my thighs and caused me to squirm a little bit. I concentrated on the map tracing it with my fingertip. I figured it would take me at least an hour to reach U Mass. I slipped on my sunglasses and fiddled around with the buttons in the car to famialarize myself with everything. I knew I was just stalling but I was caught in my own web and needed the time to let my pounding heart settle down again in my chest. Finally, satisfying myself that I knew the route to take I folded the map up carefully along with the address and reached over to place both in the glove compartment. Putting the car in drive I headed out of Logan Airport.
Mid August and the sun shimmered on the hood of the car as I raced along the interstate listening to the radio. My mind whirled in anticipation and nervousness. I wondered if you'd be glad to see me. I wondered if you would be angry at me for just dropping in on you like this. I wondered if you'd even be there still. I had not spoken to you in several months and I knew your departure from the lab was imminent but I was not sure when. What would I do if after finally taking this risk, I could not find you. I knew your home address but I would never dare to go there. I would never risk putting you in a predicament that could ultimately hurt your marriage. Above all else, that was paramount in my mind. I'd always told you that and I meant it. Your girls were more precious to me than our love for each other and I would never jeopardize their life together with their mother and father. All these thoughts swirled through my head as I glanced at the signs along the road. My fingers were clenched to the steering wheel. They felt clammy and hot. I relaxed my grip on the wheel and concentrated on something more pleasant while i drove. I remembered the first time we had phone sex. You had been at the lake. It was summer and I remember laying in my bed completely nude while my fingers danced along the contours of my belly and lower. Your deep sensual voice resounded at my ear and there was nothing else around me but your voice. We drifted through the night crying out in agony and passion. My orgasms were deep and fullfilling. More fullfilling than I'd ever been fullfilled before. I touched you that night as you touched me and somehow we knew we'd fallen deeply in love. Our limbs writhed with hunger, arching and grinding as we orgasmed over and over. Sometimes we'd drift off to sleep only to wake to the other one slowly building to a crescendo of deep groans and moans. And on the night took us till it was dawn and still we could not say good night or good morning. We were insatiable.
My mind suddenly focused again but I smiled softly thinking about that night. It would be forever pressed and kissed within the album of my mind. I finally saw the exit sign I needed to take and I slowed the car down to manage the exit ramp. I needed to focus and so my mind closed the album as I steered off the highway.
The University of Massachusettes was huge! I'd pulled into a gas station to check the map again and realized just how spread out it was. I felt intimidated and overwhelmed suddenly. I sighed softly as I stared at the map. Why didnt I just go to a payphone and call? It would be so much easier. You could give me directions to the lab. But what if you weren't pleased to hear from me? My mind played a tug of war. Finally, I knew it was futile for me to try and locate the right building in which you worked. I had to call. Glancing up, I saw a bank of payphones on the wall of the gas station and I drove up to the curb and turned the engine off. My heart was pounding and my legs felt wobbly when i got out of the car. I hadnt realized how hot it was and the sun beat down hard on the top of my head. It also made me realize that I was thirsty too. I decided to go in and get something to drink before calling. I settled on a bottle of water and chugged half of it down before I went outside again to place the phone call. Juggling my purse and the bottle of water I found some change and your phone number. A group of painters drove up and got out laughing and talking. Their accents startled me. They sounded just like you. It made me long for you and as I waited for the other end to connect I could feel the stirrings in my loins. A women with a deep oriental accent answered. I asked to speak to you. There was silence at the other end. Finally she told me you no longer worked there. I quietly said good bye and hung up the phone.
I mentally kicked myself wondering why I hadnt asked where you were now? I mean, it could be assumed that I was a former colleague or student of yours. If pressed, I could have made something up. Stealing up my nerves I redialed the number. The same woman answered and I quickly told her who I was and that I had worked with you at Keene State in New Hampshire. Of course, I didnt really tell her my real name. I dont think she bought it and so I found myself stuttering and trying to sound plausible. I'm not a good liar and it was apparent to me as well to the woman on the other end of the phone. Finally, she told me that you were at home and she gave me your phone number. I couldnt believe she would do something like that without asking you first. But somehow, I think she knew who I was. I know you never told anyone about me at work but we talked many times. I know from my own experience with my coworkers that nothing much escapes them as I'm sure it didn't with her. I thanked her and quickly hung up the phone. This didnt really do me any good for I knew that I would not call you at home and besides, your home number was burned in my memory. I looked at my watch and realized it was only 2pm. I wondered idly why you were home. Now I wondered what I would do?
The surf pounded against the sand. Its fury roiling into foamy patterns as it shrugged back out to the sea. I watched fascinated. With my shoes held in my hand, I unconciously dug my toes into the sand. The small cottage cast shadows where ever the sun waxed and waned. I'd decided to rent it for the week when I bought a newspaper and looked under summer rentals. I was very lucky to get this cottage at such short notice. The elderly woman who met me here an hour ago was very happy to rent it at such short notice. It was not in the best condition but I didnt care. I wanted to be able to take a shower, have some privacy, and figure out what to do next. The large wrap-around porch really sold me on the place. I would enjoy sitting in the wooden swing each evening as the sun went down. I sighed softly turning my back to the water and went inside to unpack my things and take a shower. I'd stopped and bought a few things on the way so that I wouldnt have to go out later for dinner. I felt let down and just wanted to sulk silently with my thoughts.
.... There is more of this story ...