My mind wandered too easily these days. I wondered whether you really missed me and still loved me or if I had become an albatross around your neck. There was little for me to think about where you were concerned. I loved you simply and fully. It was not a love that smothered. I could be separate in body from you and still love you deeply as if I knew every fiber of you, as if I knew your smell during passionate lovemaking and when you were shining with sweat after a hard play at basketball. Neither offended me. Rather I could revel in you. Yet here I was, my mind wandering again, trying vainly to understand what it was about you that kept me irevocably tied to you as a boat tied to a dock.
I decided quite quickly to call and book a flight to Boston. I'd put in for a week off. I decided not to tell you of my impending visit. It was not like me to "sneak" up on you for I prided myself on privacy for myself as well as for others. I just felt that if I told you ahead of time and I got scared and backed out you'd be devastated and therefore so would I. I did not want to hurt you anymore than I already had.
When my plane had reached an altitude where we could loosen our seatbelts I quickly unhooked myself and stood up stretching. I tend to do that when I'm nervous about something. And indeed, I had reason to be nervous. You had pleaded with me for several years to meet you. We had a few good opportunities to do that. But something always held me back. Of course, your being married didnt help. We fell in love so easily, you and I. Neither of us were looking for a complicated relationship and yet we somehow found the other compelling enough to withstand any hardship just to be together. I was not one to "date" married men but with you it never seemed that you were. At least, not before. Now it seemed that you were deeply engrossed in your marriage and your life and I somehow felt the intruder. It made me sad and I must admit a little angry. So it was with mixed emotions that I slowly and carefully walked up toward the front of the plane to use the restroom. We were fifteen minutes from landing and I wanted to freshen up. I was fifteen minutes closer to you.
Logan Airport is by contrast an easy place to circumvent. I was grateful for that because my sense of direction inside walled confines was lacking, to say the least.I was also very nervous. I'd already booked a rental car but had not made reservations anywhere to stay. I wanted to drive to where you worked. When I got in my car I pulled out the address you'd given me two years ago. Then I pulled out the map of Massachusettes. I studied both carefully trying to figure out a route. The sun beat down and caused my forehead to sheen with sweat. I turned the car on so I could run the air conditioner. The soft hum and cool moist air ruffled the map gently to and fro. I'd decided to wear a silk skirt for I knew you liked the feel of silk against my skin. But now as I sat in the car the cool air blew up the inside of my skirt between my thighs and caused me to squirm a little bit. I concentrated on the map tracing it with my fingertip. I figured it would take me at least an hour to reach U Mass. I slipped on my sunglasses and fiddled around with the buttons in the car to famialarize myself with everything. I knew I was just stalling but I was caught in my own web and needed the time to let my pounding heart settle down again in my chest. Finally, satisfying myself that I knew the route to take I folded the map up carefully along with the address and reached over to place both in the glove compartment. Putting the car in drive I headed out of Logan Airport.
Mid August and the sun shimmered on the hood of the car as I raced along the interstate listening to the radio. My mind whirled in anticipation and nervousness. I wondered if you'd be glad to see me. I wondered if you would be angry at me for just dropping in on you like this. I wondered if you'd even be there still. I had not spoken to you in several months and I knew your departure from the lab was imminent but I was not sure when. What would I do if after finally taking this risk, I could not find you. I knew your home address but I would never dare to go there. I would never risk putting you in a predicament that could ultimately hurt your marriage. Above all else, that was paramount in my mind. I'd always told you that and I meant it. Your girls were more precious to me than our love for each other and I would never jeopardize their life together with their mother and father. All these thoughts swirled through my head as I glanced at the signs along the road. My fingers were clenched to the steering wheel. They felt clammy and hot. I relaxed my grip on the wheel and concentrated on something more pleasant while i drove. I remembered the first time we had phone sex. You had been at the lake. It was summer and I remember laying in my bed completely nude while my fingers danced along the contours of my belly and lower. Your deep sensual voice resounded at my ear and there was nothing else around me but your voice. We drifted through the night crying out in agony and passion. My orgasms were deep and fullfilling. More fullfilling than I'd ever been fullfilled before. I touched you that night as you touched me and somehow we knew we'd fallen deeply in love. Our limbs writhed with hunger, arching and grinding as we orgasmed over and over. Sometimes we'd drift off to sleep only to wake to the other one slowly building to a crescendo of deep groans and moans. And on the night took us till it was dawn and still we could not say good night or good morning. We were insatiable.
My mind suddenly focused again but I smiled softly thinking about that night. It would be forever pressed and kissed within the album of my mind. I finally saw the exit sign I needed to take and I slowed the car down to manage the exit ramp. I needed to focus and so my mind closed the album as I steered off the highway.
The University of Massachusettes was huge! I'd pulled into a gas station to check the map again and realized just how spread out it was. I felt intimidated and overwhelmed suddenly. I sighed softly as I stared at the map. Why didnt I just go to a payphone and call? It would be so much easier. You could give me directions to the lab. But what if you weren't pleased to hear from me? My mind played a tug of war. Finally, I knew it was futile for me to try and locate the right building in which you worked. I had to call. Glancing up, I saw a bank of payphones on the wall of the gas station and I drove up to the curb and turned the engine off. My heart was pounding and my legs felt wobbly when i got out of the car. I hadnt realized how hot it was and the sun beat down hard on the top of my head. It also made me realize that I was thirsty too. I decided to go in and get something to drink before calling. I settled on a bottle of water and chugged half of it down before I went outside again to place the phone call. Juggling my purse and the bottle of water I found some change and your phone number. A group of painters drove up and got out laughing and talking. Their accents startled me. They sounded just like you. It made me long for you and as I waited for the other end to connect I could feel the stirrings in my loins. A women with a deep oriental accent answered. I asked to speak to you. There was silence at the other end. Finally she told me you no longer worked there. I quietly said good bye and hung up the phone.
I mentally kicked myself wondering why I hadnt asked where you were now? I mean, it could be assumed that I was a former colleague or student of yours. If pressed, I could have made something up. Stealing up my nerves I redialed the number. The same woman answered and I quickly told her who I was and that I had worked with you at Keene State in New Hampshire. Of course, I didnt really tell her my real name. I dont think she bought it and so I found myself stuttering and trying to sound plausible. I'm not a good liar and it was apparent to me as well to the woman on the other end of the phone. Finally, she told me that you were at home and she gave me your phone number. I couldnt believe she would do something like that without asking you first. But somehow, I think she knew who I was. I know you never told anyone about me at work but we talked many times. I know from my own experience with my coworkers that nothing much escapes them as I'm sure it didn't with her. I thanked her and quickly hung up the phone. This didnt really do me any good for I knew that I would not call you at home and besides, your home number was burned in my memory. I looked at my watch and realized it was only 2pm. I wondered idly why you were home. Now I wondered what I would do?
The surf pounded against the sand. Its fury roiling into foamy patterns as it shrugged back out to the sea. I watched fascinated. With my shoes held in my hand, I unconciously dug my toes into the sand. The small cottage cast shadows where ever the sun waxed and waned. I'd decided to rent it for the week when I bought a newspaper and looked under summer rentals. I was very lucky to get this cottage at such short notice. The elderly woman who met me here an hour ago was very happy to rent it at such short notice. It was not in the best condition but I didnt care. I wanted to be able to take a shower, have some privacy, and figure out what to do next. The large wrap-around porch really sold me on the place. I would enjoy sitting in the wooden swing each evening as the sun went down. I sighed softly turning my back to the water and went inside to unpack my things and take a shower. I'd stopped and bought a few things on the way so that I wouldnt have to go out later for dinner. I felt let down and just wanted to sulk silently with my thoughts.
After taking my shower, I slipped on a pair of lose cotton shorts and a t-shirt. I fixed a gin and tonic, even cutting up a fresh lime to add to it. I padded outside to the swing barefoot. My hair was still damp and I curled my legs underneath me sipping and staring out at the water. I could hear, more than see the waves as they gently and rhythmically lapped the shore line. Night had fallen on the cape. I'd called home earlier to let my son know I was here, giving him the phone number in case of an emergency. I'd already made up my mind that I would not seek you out. It was a hard decision but somehow I didnt want to tempt the fates. I held to the belief that if it was meant to be then it would happen. My forcing the situation would not be good I'd decided. And so, I sipped my drink tasting the tart cool liquid as it slid down my throat listening to the sounds of natures fury.
I had not realized how tired I was. The combination of fresh air, alcohol, flight and long drive had made me drift off to sleep. I woke with a start. The wind had picked up and the swing, with its rusty hinges in the porch ceiling had creaked. I'd forgotten where I was at first. My limbs were aching and I carefully unfolded myself and stood up.
I wheeled around to where I'd heard the unmistakable voice. My eyes squinted trying to see into the darkness. The soft pool of lamp light coming from the living room window spilled out onto the porch and just skipped down the front steps. I could not see anything further. I'd just imagined it. The wind and surf had strengthened since I'd fallen asleep and the sound deafened my ears. I could not have possibly heard anything but that. Suddenly, I saw you. You stood just out of the light at the bottom of the steps. My heart slammed in my chest making me feel dizzy. I grabbed the stair rail feeling my knees wobble as I tried to focus my eyes on you.
I could not believe it was really you.
"How did you find me?" I asked confused. My mouth was suddenly dry as I formed the words.
We stood facing each other as you slowly ascended the steps closing the distance between us.
"Why didnt you call me?" you asked ignoring my question.
Your eyes bored into mine. My heart was pounding as if I'd been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. You always made me feel like that.
When I stepped back from this moment I realized it was the first time that we'd seen each other. It was almost etherial in its complexity and yet we faced each other as if we were having a normal conversation. It dawned on me that you'd probably been standing there watching me sleep and so you'd had more time to compose yourself unlike me.
"Why did you come here?" you asked.
Your eyes slowly slid down my body and back up. At first it made me uncomfortable but I knew how shy you really were and you'd never do this knowingly so I knew you weren't even aware you were doing it. I stepped back, the back of my knees bumping into the swing making me wobble slightly. It forced me to sit down rather than look like I was off balance which i really was. The swing creaked loudly in my ears as I looked up helplessly into your eyes. The soft glow from the light inside caused shadows to hug along the edge of your face. I unconciously plucked at my shirt realizing that my nipples were erect and could be clearly seen through the thin white tshirt.
"Dont." you said reaching out pressing my arm softly back to my side. "I just want to look at you."
You stood before me not moving.
"I wanted to see you." I said.
It sounded hollow even to my ears. It was all I could get out. My mind was whirling and my tongue had suddenly felt too large for my mouth. Matthew continued to stare down at me. His face was unreadable.
His face. I loved Matthew's face and his body. He had the longest fingers that for some reason I found fascinating. I wondered quite often how those fingers would feel on my body. With the invention of digital cameras we'd been able to send images of ourselves clothed and unclothed. He teased me when he sent his pictures. Each day I would receive a new one with one less clothing article on his body. I would wait hungrily for a new addition each day.
Matthew, thought of himself as a geek. He was six foot, lean, moderately muscular, with thick dark hair and green eyes. He had terrible vision so he wore rather thick lensed glasses. But to me this just added to his appeal.He had a low sensual voice with a slight burr in it and a mild new england accent.He held a Phd in biochemistry and with my background in medicine it clearly had a basis for our chemistry. We both liked music. He was a avid Mozart fan while I enjoyed listening to alternative music.He played guitar and sang and I also played guitar (though not well) and I sang. I, on the other hand, was slightly built. I was five foot six and weighed, on a good day, around 110 pounds. I had natural blonde hair slightly below my shoulders which never looked neat. My hair had a mind of its own. I felt more comfortable in jeans. I wore little makeup. I felt intimidated by women who dressed well with every hair in place. I couldnt even keep my shoes tied which probably was the reason I felt more comfortable barefoot.
The moon had risen at some point because I realized the porch was suddenly bathed in silvery light. I had envisioned this moment of meeting many times in my dreams.
"Kristin, answer me please".
"I told you. I wanted to see you". I said simply finally able to speak.
I let the part about how he found me lay dormant at the moment as I continued to just stare back at him noticing for the first time that his belt line was only inches from my face. I started blushing out of control and shifted my eyes from him. I felt his finger brush my cheek and slide down to my chin pressing my face back towards him.
"Look at me." He whispered softly.
I looked up and he was smiling down at me. My hands reflexively came up on either side of his thighs and I smiled back still blushing. We had spent so many hours on the phone living out our fantasies that this seemed only a prelude of what we both knew was inevitable.
Matthew bent down slightly and softly kissed the top of my head. His hands pressed on either side of my face pulling me slightly forward. My heart pounded in my chest and it felt as if every bit of my breath had been sucked out of me. My legs trembled as I let him guide me gently pressing my face against his thighs. I could feel his cock beneath the cotton of his shorts as it pressed against me. Every bit of will that I might have had evaporated as I knew intinctively what to do and what he liked. I could smell the clean smell of cotton as I let my nose move back and forth against him. His hips moved with me as my hands grasped his thighs harder. I softly kissed the warm hardness beneath my lips and then moved my hands around to the front of his shorts and found the zipper letting my nose continue its warm dance. I thought I heard him groan but it could have been me. I wasnt sure. I felt the unmistakable tingle start in my groin as my fingers fumbled to slide the zipper down. Time seemed to stop. I had no idea of the time nor did I care. The roaring in my head was NOT from the sea but from my own blood pressure soaring out of control. I finally slid his zipper down and unbuttoned his shorts. I could see the unmistakable tent of his boxers beneath as I let my face nuzzle again into him. Even though we'd never touched our bodies were like well tuned instruments. My fingers trembled as they found the slit in the front of his boxers working their way in. His fingers curled through my hair pressing his hips closer to my waiting mouth.
If someone had told me four years ago that I would meet someone online in a chat room and fall in love with that person, I would have told them they were certifiable. I'd heard the grim stories of online cyber affairs. I had no intention of being a statistic. I was smug in my self-assuredness and felt that sordid little affairs happened only to desperate lonely people. I had never cheated in my marriage so when my husband informed me he was having an affair with a coworker I was stunned. I was not prepared for this. I'd prided myself on staying fit. I was a professional. He'd never had to ask for sex. I enjoyed sex as much as he did. But the reality was that he had and so our marriage ended after twelve years.
I'd just finished taking my boards and was at loose ends. I'd purchased a computer the year before but had never downloaded the software so that I could connect online. I decided to download the software mainly out of curiosity. And so it was, I found myself in a virtual reality chat room. This was different than normal chat rooms because there was depth and space to the environment. This particular chat room was called the Lodge. It looked liked a winter lodge nestled in the snow capped mountains of some country. There was a large stone fireplace with a crackling fire. There were plush colorful sofas as well as soft glowing lights. By clicking and sliding my mouse I was able to move around in this environment as well as move near someone else to chat in private if I wished. Four years ago, this was considered "cutting edge" technology and most of the people who found the lodge were as curious and new to all of this as I was.
I met Matthew three months after my divorce was final. I'd been on call that weekend and Monday was my day off. I fixed a cup of tea that morning and decided to see who was in the lodge before going about my day. I found I liked starting my day there. I'd met some very interesting people. Hard to believe that a federal judge, cartographer, physician, lawyer, magazine editor, CPA, teachers, writers, as well as professionals with computer backgrounds, could all converge in the lodge and love it. We were a small group in contrast to the large chat rooms out on the web. We were actually part of an intranet based server with a well-known internet provider. This probably made us closer and more willing to open up about ourselves.
Matthew and I instantly bonded. At first, it was a close friendship. He'd told me he was married but like many married men was not fulfilled. I more or less chalked this up to boredom on his part and since I was not emotionally involved with him I could listen to him as he listened to me about my past marriage and not judge him. He was my friend after all. He was home for the summer taking care of his girls and while they napped he would come into the lodge and hang out. He was funny, smart and intuitive especially where I was concerned. I rarely saw him during the day because I was working but he would pop into the lodge at night at odd times and we'd whisper together like two children. I guess I was rather naïve and it took two months before I realized I was falling in love with this man that I'd never even seen. I had no idea at the time he that he was falling in love with me also. He tended to be jealous if I talked to others or showed too much interest in someone but I just assumed he was trying to flatter me with his attention. I did not realize he really meant it. He would take great pains to impress me, which of course I was. He would send me emails asking for a date on such and such a night. We'd meet at the lodge and then surf around the web together keeping in touch by messaging back and forth on a messaging service we both had. Little by little we started exploring more erotic sites. Usually, these were sites of women in lingerie or poetry sites with erotic literature. He was just as new to this as I was. We were like naughty children peeking at things we'd not been allowed to see before. I found by the end of one of these nights that I was very stimulated. It was hard to go to bed alone on these nights. I'd lay in bed and fantasize about him. My fingers would slide over my body, pinching my nipples and rubbing my clit pretending it was his fingers doing this. I would cry out calling his name when I made myself orgasm. I did not know that he was feeling the same thing and would jerk off thinking of me. All in all, we stumbled our way through the early summer stimulating the other and not realizing what was happening to us.