Chapter 15: Tilda

† April 2023.

At the OB/Gyn office, Julie and Pam are meeting with Dr. Maryann Leslie.

“I have good news and bad news, Pam. The good news is that your daughter appears perfectly healthy, mature, and ready to make her appearance. The bad news is that she’s over 4 kilograms, nine pounds. Forgive me for being direct, Pam, but as big as you are on top, you’re just tiny below the waist. If it weren’t for the small gender differences, your pelvis could credibly fit inside a thirteen-year-old boy.

“My medical opinion is that vaginal birth is impossible for you. We will have to get her out of you surgically.”

“A C-section?”

“Exactly. And there’s no reason to put it off. Your daughter is fully cooked, as we say in the maternity business. Let me check the schedule. Then we can get your informed consent to the procedure and alert your husband.”

“Can my friend Julie be there?”

“Well, yes, or your husband, but not both.”

“Nate gets the shakes when he sees blood, so Julie would be better. You can get the time off?”

“Don’t worry, that’s not a problem. I’m almost as excited to meet her as YOU are, Pam.”

† April 28, 2023

Matilda Heidi Kaiser takes her first breath.

In the weeks that follow, Pam struggles bravely with postpartum depression. Focused on caring for and nursing little Tilda, she refuses any kind of antidepressant drug therapy for fear of contaminating her milk.

† July 14, 2023 (Bastille Day).

Nate and Pam bring Tilda over to Julie’s house for an overnight visit. She was ten weeks old and still large for an infant. She could raise her head slightly, and Pam believed she already showed a little recognition when their faces were close together.

Nate was nervous whenever he was near his new baby. He had only held her a few times while standing. Julie saw that he was freakishly tense.

“I’m afraid I’ll drop her.”

“Give her over and go sit in your giant recliner. Good. Now lean back and make a basket for her with your arm. Here’s your beautiful daughter. Just relax and cuddle her. Pam, why are you crying?”

“Oh, Julie, it’s so unfair that you can’t be pregnant. You would be such an incredible mother. I just don’t understand you sometimes.”

“How so?”

“Under ordinary circumstances, you would have scratched my eyes out just for fucking your husband. Or, you would have hated me for having a baby with Nate when you couldn’t yourself. How did little Juliet Lehman grow up without a jealous bone in her body?”

Julie glanced over at Nate, who had apparently drifted off while snuggling with his sleeping daughter.

“I will tell you, Pam, but you must never repeat this story, not to anyone. Not even to Nate, because he hasn’t heard it either. Do you promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

Forgiveness

† April 2007.

Julie Lehman, age 15, is crouched on the floor of her bedroom in her flannel nightgown. Next to her is the ventilation duct for the house’s furnace. Because of the layout of the duct work, Julie can hear every word spoken in the kitchen, including tonight’s argument between her parents, Gina and Alan.

“I can’t take any more of this, Alan. What the hell is going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Bull. Shit. Goddammit, after seventeen years of marriage, I know better. What is eating at you? You’re acting like your dog died. I’m sick of it. TELL ME.”

“Marriage. Huh. You don’t want to know.”

“What, Alan? What is it? You want a, a divorce?”

Julie barely managed to stifle a loud gasp.

“Daddy?!”

“Not me, but you will, Gina. Oh, fuck me. Alright. This is the truth: I had an affair.”

“What? WHAT? Tell me. What happened?”

“No, that will just make it worse.”

“Alan. As God is my witness, if you don’t tell me the truth, the whole truth, I will get out my pistol and put your ass down. Permanently. Do you think I’m playing?”

“No, Gina. Alright, here’s everything, the whole truth.”

Her father went on to describe being tempted by a woman at his workplace. And that she had taken him in her car for “lunch” but instead she parked the car and unzipped his pants for a blow job.

“You put your dick into another woman’s mouth? What the hell were you thinking? Never mind, go on, continue.”

He went on to describe a series of assignations, perhaps ten times in twelve weeks. He was aware of her periods occurring in the weeks when weren’t intimate. The last time they were together it was about 10 days after her last period. Suddenly, she was insisting (for the first time) that he skip using a condom.

“I almost agreed, but then I realized Angie might be fertile and was using me to try to get pregnant. I rushed off, leaving her untouched. That was the end of it all.”

“You’re telling me that you ended it? Because you mistrusted her?”

“That’s the truth, Gina. I’m sorry. I was a fool. I should have never gotten in that woman’s car in the first place.”

“That’s for damn sure, asshole. Just because your cock has a head on it doesn’t mean you should be using it to think with. Fuck!”

“I’ll pack my things and be gone by midnight. Please tell Julie that I’m sorry. God! I’m so, so sorry.”

The next thing his daughter heard was confusing.

Julie thought, “What is that? Is he, is he crying? Oh, what a terrible sound. I’ve never heard Daddy cry. Not once.”

Then Alan got some control over himself.

“I’m going down to the basement to find my suitcase. It will take just a little time for me to collect my things.”

“No.”

“No? I don’t understand.”

“This is my right hand, Alan. I’m undecided. I want to slap you so hard that your teeth come loose.”

“Go right ahead. I deserve a lot more than that.”

“No, Alan. That won’t make me feel better. If you leave, I won’t feel better. I’m going to put my hand on your arm instead, and I’m asking you to stay.”