Viagra Nation — a series by Jennifer Nugent

THE TIME: Five years from now. THE PLACE: The North American continent. THE ENEMY: Fanatical terrorists, bent on destroying America. THE SOLUTION: Semen booths, staffed by attractive young ladies who are expertly trained in the art of pulling rambunctious loads of excess guy-goo out of thick, angry hardons! THE HISTORY: Things have not been the same since that fateful day in September, when terrorists attacked America. Their plan was to drop a ton of tranquilizers in the geographic center of the continental United States: Lebanon, Kansas. The terrorists hoped the ensuing dust cloud would spread out and seep into the ground water, and then into the general environment, sedating the population long enough to defeat the US military. These fanatics raided a pharmaceutical warehouse in Missouri, stealing a truckload of Valium, a sedative. But before making their getaway, they spied several large crates of Viagra, a drug used to treat male erectile dysfunction by enhancing sexual stamina and arousal. Unfortunately for the terrorists, they confused the Valium with the Viagra, and so our story has a happy beginning: The terrorists accidentally dropped a ton of Viagra onto American soil, then gobbled handfuls of Valium and died slow, godless, despair-filled deaths! The Viagra dust cloud floated out far beyond the Kansas borders and into the streams, rivers and lakes of the entire continent. This caused the sexual stimulant to seep into the ground water, where it made its way into wells and reservoirs, as well as into the grazing lands and farming topsoil. From as far north as Alberta, all the way south to Acapulco, and covering the entire continental United States, Viagra was in the water, the crops, the meat and fish and poultry, and even in the air itself. This caused grown men, many of whom were old enough to think their sexually active years were far behind them, to develop recurring cases of what has come to be known as "teencock". This unfortunate condition was considered a threat to national security, since teencock is responsible for a general lack of judgment and self-control. The federal government quickly mandated that "semen booths" be built on every block in the country. Each semen booth was staffed with two young women - a trainer, 22 years of age or older, and a "Semen Girl" in the 18-to-22 range - and it was the responsibility of these vinyl-gloved civil servants to empty the semen from any man who was brought to them with an obvious case of teencock. The program was a great success. Adult teenage girls, fresh out of high school, were able to land high-paying government jobs with little or no experience it cock-handling. Also, crime was way down, since few men had the energy to exhibit aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, with such a great number of semen booths, there was little room for supervision and oversight, and the program was rife with abuse. The guidelines that had been set up for these teencock-handlers to follow were routinely ignored, and the men who were "victimized" in the semen booths had very little legal recourse... since the testimony of a man with an acute condition of teencock was considered tainted by his sexually-enhanced state! So not only were men sometimes purposely stimulated and aroused by mischievous or sadistic females... then taken to the nearest semen booth under the new post-September citizen's arrest laws... but the young ladies who staffed the semen booths were rarely in the mood to play by the rules! Consequently, men were often forced to stand idly by in the cramped confines of dimly-lit semen booths, and watch their Viagra-induced teencocks get treated like playthings! Still, in all fairness, it will never be known if the men remained silent due to their lack of legal recourse, or simply because they just didn't mind all that much. This is why I've provided the following accounts of what happens to the teencocked men in the semen booths... so you can judge for yourself the merits of the federal government's semen booth solution.