Chapter 12

Susan was a bit better in the morning, but she certainly wasn't herself for several weeks. She went through the motions of going to school and getting on with her life.

Barbara didn't show up in class the next day. She spent most the day in a fit of severe depression. She was passing through Tutorville the next day when she happened to see Susan. The normally vibrant stunning woman seemed a fragile broken shell of herself. Barbara found tears flowing down her cheeks. Knowing she had been the cause of the change.

The change in Susan threw a general damper on the spirits of everybody in Tutorville. It was as if the whole university was depressed. Barbara couldn't help but feel it and think: "I caused this."

Her own depression lasted much longer than Susan's. Her mother was no help at all. Her father was.

"What's been bothering you Barbs?" he asked.

"I hurt someone very deeply, who was just being kind to me." she replied.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I was stupid enough to listen to gutter talk when I knew better." she answered.

"And what have you done about this?" he asked.

"Nothing. I don't think they will ever speak to me again." she said.

"Maybe. But you'll never know if you don't try. And if you feel you've wronged somebody, then you won't feel right until you've done all you can to make it right." he said.

Barbara hugged him. "Thanks dad." she said.

She waited for the right moment to approach Susan. She found it a few days later when some students departed from her circle at Tutorville. Leaving her alone gathering her books up. Barbara approached slowly. Susan sensed her and let her come.

"Can I talk to you. I'll understand if you don't want to." Barbara said.

Susan looked at her. It hurt her a bit how Barbara had seemed to shrink back into her shell.

"Certainly. I'll listen." Susan said, sitting back.

Barbara felt her eyes tearing up, but forced herself onwards.

"I want to apologize to you. I did you a great injustice saying those things about you. They were petty and spiteful. You didn't deserve it. You've never shown me anything but kindness and warmth. I'm truly sorry I did that to you." she said, tears flowing from her eyes.

Susan considered her a moment before replying: "Barbara. The rumors didn't affect me in the slightest. I really don't give a fuck what the rest of the world thinks about me. It was the loss of you that hurt me. It's seeing you withdraw back into your shell and knowing what you lost. That's what hurt me. Not some petty rumor from some vacuous air-heads."

Barbara's legs seemed to fail her. She collapsed to the floor sobbing. "Oh, god Susan, I'm so sorry! I didn't know." she gasped, between her sobs.

Susan had no choice over what she did. She immediately knelt before the sobbing girl and pulled her into her arms. Barbara was more than a little surprised, but powerless to resist as she sobbed against Susan.

Just then Jill happened to come by. She was floored by what she saw; Susan was comforting the very person who had caused her so much anguish. She approached quickly, unsure of the situation, but concerned mostly for Susan's welfare.

Susan caught her approach and shook her head. Then, without thought, mentally asked her: "Would you please bring us a couple of cups of coffee?"

Jill was stopped dead in her tracks. She nodded at Susan and then turned to get them.

Barbara found herself warmed to her core, feeling nothing but love and compassion from Susan. Never had she known such a wonderful feeling. It pervaded her soul. She found her sobs abating. Then she was just hugging Susan back.

Susan guided them up onto the sofa, still hugging her. Curious students stopped for a moment over the sight, but didn't intrude. Most knew that something had been depressing Susan. The whole university felt it. But now she seemed to glow as she held the quivering girl against her as her sobs finally faded away.

Jill returned with the coffee. Kneeling before the pair she handed a cup to Barbara.

She took it with shaky fingers, thanking Jill meekly. She sipped at it shakily. Susan took her own cup from Jill, suddenly realizing what had happened. She looked at Jill, who raised an eyebrow to her and smiled, also raising an eyebrow towards Barbara.

"Thanks, Love. Give us some time, huh?" Susan asked, aloud.

Jill nodded to her grinning and moved away.

Barbara sipped at her coffee, watching her go. She was puzzled over where the coffee had come from. Had Jill just surmised that it was needed?

"I guess we should have a chat." Susan said softly.

"How can you be so caring towards me, after I hurt you like that?" Barbara asked, afraid to look at Susan.

"Because, in all honesty, I'm just thrilled to have you back." Susan replied, smiling radiantly.

Barbara found her eyes drawn to Susan's. She felt her gaze and her smile and just melted inside.

She couldn't break the gaze as hard as she tried. Finally Susan broke it herself by taking a sip of coffee.

Barbara felt herself shaking internally as she realized she was in love with Susan. That was the last thing she expected to happen. She quivered as she took a sip of coffee.

"So lets talk about the rumor you heard." Susan said.

"I'm sorry I believed it." Barbara said, shakily.

"No your not." Susan said, softly, "You were being honest with yourself ... You just handled it poorly. We all make that sort of mistake from time to time.

"The rumor confirmed something your subconscious had told you long before. But you rejected consciously as something alien to your upbringing. You wanted to be friends with us, but to believe the information would have been contrary to that upbringing. So you chose to ignore it. Then you were in a fragile state and the rumor acted as a catalyst in the wrong direction. All in one moment you were angry, mostly with yourself, because you had duped yourself and you suddenly realized it. Instead of face what you really believed, you lashed outwards.

"Ron was the only point of reference that conformed to the rules of your upbringing, so he was the one you turned to. Then he didn't react the way your upbringing had programmed you that he should. Instead he rejected all that you were saying. And your whole house of cards came tumbling down. I felt it falling. That's what affected me so deeply." she said.

"You felt it? How?" Barbara asked, not arguing with the validity of the assertions Susan had made.

"The same way that I asked Jill to bring us a cup of coffee without you hearing it." Susan said, contemplative.

She sipped at her coffee, giving Barbara a moment to think about things.

Barbara sipped at her coffee, then asked: "Was that you who visited me that night in my room?"

"No, that was Jane. She has a tendency to get dramatic when she gets pissed off." Susan chuckled.

"I'll say. God! I can't begin to describe..." Barbara faltered.

"I know. I felt her do it. I was mainly concerned she would really hurt you. But that's what I mean by dramatic. Only Jane would think of punishing someone with a solid ten seconds of pure pleasure." Susan chuckled.

Barbara nodded. "It was certainly effective ... I couldn't talk for hours. My roommate thought I'd had some sort of epileptic seizure. Then I didn't dare tell her what really had happened ... I'm not really certain myself. But the loss of it was as profound as the feeling. I didn't leave my room at all the next day because I was so depressed ... Susan, what are you? I mean, you and Jane and the rest? I mean how?" she asked.

"That part I can't tell you yet. I think we have some other things to talk about first." Susan said.

"I don't understand." Barbara said, sipping at her coffee.

"They we will talk until you do understand, cause I'm not going to lose you again. I don't think I could take it." Susan said, softly.

Barbara heard herself replying: "The last thing I expected was to find myself in love with you."

"So that's a good place to start them. That and what I said earlier about the rumors. See, there are these labels that people place on each other, without ever realizing what they really mean. Like the term lesbian... " Susan began.

They talked for hours. They both missed classes. Jill came and hovered around the edges, gently guiding people away from them. Then coming back to listen to her beloved mentor. They talked about history, religion, sex, love, compassion, education and relationships. Susan didn't waste any words on trivialities, gently guiding Barbara away from insignificant points. She was a master orator in her prime moment. Barbara was more than a little swayed. She was developing understanding. She didn't notice when Ron came and sat on a planter behind her and listened. Unbidden, Jill brought another round of coffee and the discussion continued.

The other thing Barbara was developing, was a deep feeling of admiration and desire for Susan.