I received the letter in the morning post and didn't even open it up until I had returned from the market later that morning. It didn't seem to have any information on the envelope and was not even post-marked like so many letters seemed to be these days. It least it had a full first-class postage on it so I decided to chance reading it since the bulk of the unsolicited mail was sent under reduced terms.
It was immediately obvious that it was, as I suspected, an advertisement.
With an automatic motion, I almost discarded it right into the trash can, but the purpose of the ad caught my attention. I didn't know whether to laugh or to snort in outright derision. They were offering me a wine and cheese "get together" at a local hotel to review their offerings in luxury caskets with a highly advantageous financing plan that was insured to be "paid in full" if one should expire prior to the last payment. I was totally amazed at their marketing strategy and decided it was worth a visit to the free event just to see what type of person showed up for the spiel and what was the hook they would use to build their client base.
The hotel was a large well-appointed establishment with a number of conference halls and reception rooms. When my beloved spouse of some thirty years passed a little over a year prior, I was annoyed with the realization that neither of us had even given the final details any thought. I guess we both thought we would live forever or perhaps it was just us deciding whoever went first would be relieved of any unpleasant stress.
I was the unlucky one in that instance but in all fairness I would have to admit it was more luck rather than lack of luck. The entire affair was extremely costly, required a great deal of patience and left me with a sour taste in my mouth knowing that there would be no one around to take care of my final wishes. My children were in a distant location and the grandchildren were of a generation that refused to recognize the either the realities or the responsibilities of the real world. Most of our friends had already gone on to their maker, that is, if they believed in that sort of thing. I always sort of favored the whole "reincarnation" thing because it gave you a second chance to screw things up. Of course, there was always the possibility you might come back as a butterfly or some such silly life-form.
My preference would be as an Eagle soaring over everything and protected by the extinct species act. I figured my knowledge of the dangers of windmills and other things like live wires might come in handy in my new incarnation and I would be one up on all the other Eagles.
I wondered if the boy Eagles had fun with the girl Eagles, what with the feathers and all. There was something less than normal about such a thought, so I immediately pushed it out of my mind.
Anyway, getting back to the casket investment scheme, the hotel was only a short distance from my retirement community that was filled with thousands of senior citizen retirees living the good live on golf courses and soaking up the ambiance in the Country Clubs with well-stocked bars. I tended to not enjoy that sort of thing since I had operated a bar in my earlier years and knew it was best for me to "look, but not touch."
Since I was not much one for playing golf or for drinking, which only left me with a focus on seducing senior citizen females wherever and whenever I could track them down. I was doing fairly well in that department being careful to not make any friends too close to home to avoid entanglements. It seemed like a fair share of the compliant females were actually married to disinterested spouses making the entire issue moot.
The meeting room was packed with eager clients. It was hard for me to accept that these vibrant people were already contemplating passing to the other side. The ratio of females to males was apparent with the women outnumbering the men about two to one. I looked around the room to select my two and spotted a nifty redhead, probably, a "from the bottle" redhead, but I was not overly picky in that regard. She had the most attractive breasts on a truly mature woman that I had seen for quite some time. Of course, they were sagging a bit even with the help of a heavy duty bra but still they inspired me to instant Viagra-less firmness. To top it off, her caboose was petite and delicately heart-shaped at the other end. I was certain she saw me checking her out from the vicinity of the assortment of rather nice wines and she sort of wandered over to stand beside me.
I could discern the scent from either her hair shampoo or expensive foreign perfume and it further increased the tenting of my sports slacks. It didn't bother me to much because in this kind of a situation, it doesn't hurt to advertise.
"Do you think it is silly to start looking for caskets when we are still alive and kicking?"
Strangely, that was my exact thought but I thought it wise to not confirm it as yet until I could see which way the wind was blowing.
"It certainly would premature for a person as young and attractive as you but I like to be prepared for all contingencies. Especially now that I am alone."
I could see her perk up a little at the last statement. I was not quite certain if it was the tenting of my slacks or the claim to complete availability that swayed her to move closer and slide her arm in mine as we moved to the other room to "view" the caskets. It brought her soft hip into contact with mine and I knew she was not wearing either a girdle or a control-top pantyhose underneath. In fact, it was quite possible she had nothing on underneath at all.
Most of the prospective clients were couples. I would assume they were married, but these days, I wouldn't depend on it. I gave up all thoughts about finding my second allocated female and concentrated on the one on my arm. The age-old logic of "one in the hand is worth two in the bush" convinced me that this female with the heart-shaped ass was a keeper.
The young man behind the podium gave the statistics in a firm but gentle voice reminding us all about the inevitability of our certain demise. He laid out their program which rewarded the participants for smart prior planning and then began to introduce the casket models to us as if we were purchasing a new automobile. I was more attentive to the fellow standing directly in front of me who was fondling an overweight woman who was obviously alone and not happy about it. She didn't seem to harbor any objection to his blatant exploration of every hidden curve of her backside and acted nonchalantly disengaged with her legs slightly spread apart and a smile on her face.