Chapter 9

December 25, 2012

I wrote all night, but my bed became irresistible just as the bedroom window started to glow. I wasn't sure how long I'd slept, but I was still tired when I became aware of John sitting on the edge of my bed. There was a steaming cup of coffee in his hands, and I knew it had two creams and one sugar without even tasting it.

"Good morning," he said, sitting the cup on the desk beside my bed. "Sorry I picked your lock, but I was worried about you."

I reached up toward him and he gathered me in his arms, crushing me in a tight hug. "I'm sorry." It was all I could get out before my throat closed, and I pressed my face into his shoulder.

"This is killing me." When he pulled back to look at me, I noticed the dark smudges under his eyes.

I was hurting him, I realized, and reached up to touch his face. "I've been up all night thinking," I whispered. "I want to be with you, but I can't figure out how. I don't know how to stop wanting you and I can't stop being afraid."

He shook his head. "We need to talk, Kate, it has to be today. I can't take this anymore."

"I know, but Mom will be here all day."

"Let me take care of that, just don't avoid me again. I swear, if you do, I'll pack up my shit and drive away without a word. It took everything I had not to leave last night," he said, his chin quivering as an angry tear spilled down his cheek.

"I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but I can't think straight when I'm around you." I kissed his tears and held him tight. "Let me get a shower and I'll come out." He nodded, then looked away and left without looking back at me.

I had written our story and the feelings that went along with it, but after pouring it all out, I was no closer to finding answers to any of my questions. At the end of it all, John was still my cousin. Our parents would fight us being together and I couldn't ask him to risk losing his parent's support for college. I also couldn't rob him of finding happiness with someone who could give him more than the mutant babies I'd give him. I had to make him see he was better off without me.

I finished showering and dressed in my red holiday sweats. I even wore the matching bra and panties I'd planned to wear for him someday. He may never see them now, but it made me feel good to wear them. At least I didn't have to worry about ruining the panties. I'd never had a shorter period in my life.

I brought my empty coffee mug to the kitchen and poured myself another cup. John was having an animated conversation with his brother over a video call on his tablet.

"He even got me my own gaming account! Hey, is that Kate back there?" I heard Nate say.

"Hi Nate!" I said, as I leaned over John's shoulder to smile at my little cousin. "What did Santa bring you?"

"My own computer!" he said with excitement dancing in his eyes. "It's got a totally cool case with neon lights inside!"

"That sounds amazing. Are you using it right now?"

"Yeah, Dad let me set it up all by myself after unwrapping it."

"What did your brother get?"

"He's out riding his new bike right now, but Mom's mad at him 'cause he's still wearing his pajamas."

John and I both laughed. "Look, we've got some presents we need to open when Aunt Lisa gets up. Let me call you back after we eat some breakfast," said John.

In the video, Nate looked over his shoulder as I heard Aunt Susan shouting something. "What? Oh, Mom says you'd better call back because she misses Aunt Lisa and wants to hang out with her over video."

"Tell her we definitely will. See ya, buddy!"

"Bye!" I said, waving before John disconnected the call.

Taking a sip of coffee, I went to Mom's door and knocked. "Mom? You alive in there?"

I heard her talking quietly, and then she opened the door. "I'm awake, just talking to Susan. Do you want to cook breakfast first or open presents?"

"Presents!" John yelled from the living room.

I chuckled. "I guess presents it is," she said, putting her phone in her pocket as she walked past me. I rarely caught her in a lie and catching her now made me curious about whom she'd really been talking to.

In the living room, Mom took over distributing the gifts. "Now, I don't know how you do it at home, John, but in our house, we take turns opening one at a time."

"Fine by me," John said. "You open the first one."

She smiled and pulled six boxes out from under the tree. "Is this one from you?" she asked him, holding up a small box up and shaking it.

"Yes, Ma'am." he said, as he sat back to watch Mom untie the ribbon and carefully unwrapped the present.

"She does this same maddening thing every year," I said to John. "She refuses to tear the paper. Sometimes I've used the same wrapping paper on her gift for years."

"Stop it. I do what I like and I like what I do," she said then stuck out her tongue at me before opening the box at last. "Oh, John! It's absolutely lovely!" she preened, holding a beautiful silk scarf in purple, green, and gold. "How very thoughtful of you! I love things like this."

"You're very welcome."

"Here, open mine to you," she said and passed him a larger box. He tried opening it as carefully as she did, but he accidentally tore the paper. "You don't have to open it like I do, John."

"Good!" he said before tearing the paper off and tossing it aside. When he opened the box, he pulled back the tissue paper, revealing a pair of blue and white pinstriped pajamas. "What made you think I didn't have pajamas?"

"I guess by the fact that you sleep in shorts and a t-shirt every night," she replied, causing us all to laugh as John pulled out the top and held it up against his chest. "Every man should have at least one good pair of pajamas. I hope they fit."

"I'll find out tonight. Thanks, Aunt Lisa."

"My pleasure, John, now for your turn, Kate!" she said, as she tossed me a small box.

When I opened it, I found my grandmother's pearl earrings. "Oh, God, Mom, you didn't have to give me Nanny's earrings."

"It's time," she said with eyes glistening. You've worn them more times this year than I have."

"Still, thank you so much. I'll treasure them."

"I know you will. Now it's my turn!" she cried as she pulled my gift out and unwrapped it in her usual, careful way. "Oh no, Kate, you shouldn't have spent this much on me!"

"You'll really love it, I promise. John helped me pick it out and even added some books on it for you."

She glared at him. "John!"

"They're all free, public domain books, long out of copyright protection. There wasn't a pirate around, except for Long John Silver in Treasure Island."

"I loved that story when I was a girl. I'll have to read it first. You're gonna have to show me how, Kate."

"You just play with it for a while and see what you can figure out. I'll help you if you need me to."

"I hope you kept the receipt."

"I did, but I bet we won't need it," I said, grabbing my gift for John. I was nervous about it. I'd gotten it before things had become tense between us, but now it was too late to do anything about it.

John tore open the paper and laughed long and loud. He held the box up so Mom could see the label, his face as red as my sweats.

"Aromatic massage oils?" she read. "Kate, what in the world?"

"I gave him a pedicure because it looks like he cuts his nails with a weed whacker, and he gave me a foot rub with some sandalwood oil in return. Since he used the last of it on me, I wanted him to have some more in case he decides to do it again."

"Me next!" Mom said with a laugh. "Heck, if I'd known you'd do that, I'd have let you do that for me a couple of times this week. Those long shifts are hell on my arches. You've got the last one, Kate."

When she slid over a flat square package, I had no idea what it could be. The paper came off to reveal a 2013 calendar with pictures of mugs full of steaming coffee. Puzzled and a little disappointed, I looked up at John, but he offered no explanation, only an enigmatic smile. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

With the present opening out of the way, we cooked breakfast together with Christmas music playing in the background. I made cinnamon rolls while Mom fried bacon and eggs and John set the table. After we ate, John plugged his tablet into our television and we had a long video call with Aunt Susan, Uncle Tom, Nate, and little Alex. Mom made phone calls to other relatives while John and I sat on the couch and read. All morning I tried to tease some kind of meaning out of his gift to me with no success.

Later, Mom played games on her new tablet until she started nodding off in the afternoon. John finally turned off his tablet and stuffed it in his backpack. "Aunt Lisa, Kate and I are going to the movies if you want to nap on the couch."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea. You kids have fun."

After we moved off the couch, she took it over and pulled the blanket around her shoulders. John helped me put on my coat, and then grabbed his backpack and my gift to him.

I locked the door behind us as we left. "I'm exhausted from pretending everything's normal."

John nodded and took my hand as we walked to his car. "Me, too."

"Maybe we could find a coffee shop to talk?"

"You let me worry about that," he said, holding my door while I sat, then going around to get in and start the car. "I know you're having a hard time seeing us together. I only ask that you keep an open mind when I tell you what I've been thinking."

I took a deep breath. "I'm listening."

"I'm falling for you. I can't help it. The feeling is there and pretending it's not is killing me. I've been tearing myself up trying to stay in the moment, but I can't take it anymore. I don't know if this is just a crush or something more, but I have to find out," he said as he pulled out of the driveway.

I nodded as the fire in my heart I had spent all night putting out, suddenly flared back to life. I knew I was doomed if I listened to him, but part of me knew it was already too late.

"If I called Dad today and told him I wanted to be with you, he'd laugh it off as a crush and he'd be right. He'd point out we haven't known each other very long, no matter how it feels to us. I've got two more years of school and they'll be harder than the last."

I nodded again, the sense of drowning returning when he took my hand.

"Last year I got distracted from my goals. Before I came here for Christmas, all I wanted to do was to make it through school. Now, I can't let you get away, not without trying to make this work first. I'm worried about the long distance between us and eventually getting our parents comfortable with the idea of us dating, but I'm not sure you want the same things I do, Kate."

I was in tears, torn and conflicted by his confession, and the words poured out before I could stop myself. "You've made me feel things I never even imagined were inside me. Even though some of those things scare the fuck out of me, you make me feel safe enough to explore them with you. But none of that changes the real problem. I can't live in the moment anymore, but I just can't see us working out long term. I want a family someday," I said, the truth ringing clearly in my own ears as I fell apart and sobbed.

Stopping at a red light, he turned to me with a puzzled expression. "What the fuck does that have to do with anything?"

"We're cousins, John," I replied, wondering how he could be so dense.

"Wait a minute," he said, his face brightening. "Kate, we're not related like that. Didn't you know? I was adopted."

Those three little words made my whole world pivot on its axis. "What?"

"I thought everyone knew. Mom and Dad adopted me when they thought they were infertile. After a few years, Mom ended up pregnant with Nate. Apparently it happens all the time, something about having kids around makes people more fertile."

"I can't believe it. Mom never told me," I said, suddenly light-headed as my skin rose with goose bumps.

He drove down the feeder road and turned into a parking lot. "Maybe they thought our cousins would treat me different if they knew."

"So we won't make mutant babies?" I whispered, more to myself than to him.

"Hopefully we don't make babies at all," he said with a chuckle, before sighing in relief and pulling me into his arms. "Unless we want to someday. I have to admit, I wouldn't mind practicing a bit first."

I laughed and shook my head. "I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders."

"I can't believe you've been struggling with this all by yourself. If you'd just talked to me, we could've avoided a lot of pain."

"Story of my life," I murmured as I wiped my eyes. "Someday I'll learn. It still doesn't make our family or friends willing to accept us dating. People won't care we're not actually related after they hear we're cousins."

"No, but we can take it slow. There's no need to tell anyone right away. We don't even know if this will work out yet, so there's no point in facing that issue until we're sure."

With the horrible obstacle out of the way, I wanted to dream with him. "So what's our plan, then?"

He reached into his pocket and handed me a folded piece of paper. "This is the other half of your Christmas present."

My hands shook as I unfolded the handwritten list of dates, mostly weekends, some longer. When I realized what they meant, I covered my mouth with my hand and started crying again. The calendar--he wanted to come back, and often, from the look of it. He wanted me. He wanted all of me, the whole messy package.

"I can't promise it will be easy, but I'm going to try very hard to make it work."

I threw myself at him, kissing him hard despite my tears and snot. He held me tight and whispered my name. "Why does Mom have to be home today," I growled in frustration.

"Uh, Kate?" he murmured as he pulled back to look at me.

"What?" I asked and when he nodded out the car's windshield, I looked around and saw where we were. "This isn't the movie theater."

"No."

"Don't you think you're being a little presumptuous?"

"Nope, just hopeful," he said, giving me a sheepish grin.

I pouted. "So, after all that reading, we don't actually get to see the movie?"

"I have it on my tablet. If you really want to see it, we can watch it in bed."

I kissed him again, but softly this time. "I like the way you hope."

John let me climb back into the passenger's seat and then drove us around to the hotel's front entrance. The valet opened the car door with a flourish. "Merry Christmas, do you have reservations?"

John came around the car and handed him the keys. "Yes, under John and Kate Alderman, we have the honeymoon suite. There's a small bag in the trunk as well," he said, taking my hand to lead me inside. The hotel was gorgeous, with a soaring atrium and a fountain that shot up three stories. The girl who worked the front desk kept sending me jealous glances as she checked us in, but I couldn't stop smiling at him.

Moments later, he had our card key and was leading me to the elevators. As soon as the elevator doors closed, he turned me around and kissed me soundly. I melted as his hands slid up my back and gasped when he gently sucked my lower lip into his mouth.

The elevator dinged and I was swept off my feet carried me down the hallway. We passed an old couple who laughed at us, but we were laughing even louder. He fumbled with the card key at the door, but refused to set me down until we'd passed the threshold.

"You really know how to sweep a girl off her feet," I said as I hugged his neck and kissed his cheek. When he put me down gently on the bed and I lifted my arms above my head. "How do I look?"

"Like a painting of a French girl," he said rubbing his hands together. "Here is the tip for the porter. I've got to go get some ice and glasses. Be right back!"

I sat there on the bed as the door shut behind him and looked around at the room. The bed was very comfortable and the furnishings upscale. There were actual paintings on the wall, and not the generic prints that seemed to be standard in every hotel and doctor's office. One painting, a silhouette of a couple against the sky as they walked down the beach, caught my eye, making me smile.

Standing up, I pulled the comforter off the foot of the bed and turned down the blankets and sheets. I ran my hands over the sheets, amazed at how soft they were. My stomach was a nervous jumble of knots, but I was so ready to be with him.

When I sat back down on the bed, I reconsidered everything, since the biggest obstacle was out of the way. It still wouldn't be easy, but it was now possible for us to have a future together. Just knowing there was a chance made my heart open up. I was still afraid of how he made me feel, but it was tempered with newfound hope. He'd proven how far he was willing to go to keep me, and that created the trust I needed to take the next step with him.

When I heard a knock on the door, I picked up the cash he'd left on the dresser and opened the door. "Mrs. Alderman?" asked the porter.

I beamed at him and nodded. "You're the first one to call me that."

"Well, your husband is a very lucky man," he replied, and I could tell he was blushing underneath his dark complexion. "Congratulations! A Christmas Day wedding, that must've been wonderful," he said as he put the bag from the car on the luggage stand near the closet.

"Thanks for bringing it up for us," I said, giving him the tip before he backed out of the room.

"My pleasure, y'all have a good afternoon."

"I'm sure we will."

Alone again, I opened the bag he'd left to discover a bottle of champagne and a container of strawberries. There were even a few dark chocolate bars and some bottled water. Everything was still cold from being in his trunk all night. I took the strawberries into the bathroom to rinse them off and remove the leaves.

"I'm back!" John called out as he came into the bathroom with a bucket of ice and champagne flutes. "Want a glass of champagne?" When I nodded, he popped the cork off the top and filled the glasses.

He handed me a glass and offered a toast, "To us."

I took a long sip. "The porter called me Mrs. Alderman," I said blushing and shaking my head. "I can't believe this was the reason you worked all day yesterday."

"It's what I wanted to do. And no pressure, by the way, if you just want to get drunk and watch the movie, it'll still be money well spent."

"Oh no, I think you know what's gonna happen," I said, burning alive for him. He flushed a deep red and began shifting around. "Go ahead and straighten it out," I said with a laugh. After putting down his glass, he reached into his pants to straighten himself out. I was feeling bold and said, "Or you could go ahead and take them off." I finished cleaning the strawberries and put them on a towel to dry.

"I was hoping you could help me." He came up behind me at the sink and kissed my neck. "Are you done with those strawberries yet? I'm getting hungry."

The chills from his soft kisses made it hard to speak. I relaxed against him as he moved his hands to gently squeeze my breasts. "Let's eat later," I said, suddenly breathless.

"These taste pretty good." he whispered into my ear, pulling my ear lobe between his lips. "They're a little dry though. Do you have something a little more..." he paused when I took his hand and slipped it down into my sweats. "Oh, there's something I'd like to try."

The moment his fingertips brushed over me, I pushed against him and his shaft was hard against my ass. "I need you to take me to bed right now."

Bending down, he picked me up and carried me swiftly through the door to the bedroom. When he put me down on the bed, he quickly pulled off his shirt and pants. I sat up and took off my sweatshirt and unhooked my bra. His eyes were fixed on me, moving from one part of my body to another and the lust on his handsome face revved my engine.

He said, "Oh, look, you match all the way down," he said, his eyes taking in every inch of me.

"I was hopeful, too."

He slid into bed next to me, kissing my lips, his hands cupping my breasts. When he bent to take my nipples between his lips, I felt his hands push the waist of my sweats and panties down. I lifted up and helped him pull them off completely.