Chapter 8

December 24, 2012

Mom was eating breakfast when I joined her in the kitchen. When it's just the two of us, we eat on the stools that run along the counter, between the kitchen and the living room. As I walked by the couch, I noticed John had folded the blanket over the back and sprayed air freshener again. Our scent was still there underneath it all, but I prayed Mom hadn't noticed.

She didn't say anything as I made my coffee and toast, so I sat down on the stool next to hers.

"John left early. Did you two fight again?"

"No." I took a sip of coffee. "He got a job."

"A job? Here?"

"Yes, and he was very cryptic about it."

She finished her cereal and tipped the bowl back to get the last of the milk. "So did you do anything fun yesterday?"

The mental image of him lying naked on the couch flashed across my mind. "Went shopping, had pot roast for dinner." I shrugged and ate a bite of toast.

"It was so good, wasn't it? I had some when I got home last night." She took a sip of her coffee and arched her eyebrows. "I thought you both just went to bed early, but then I noticed three bottles of wine in the trash. You look a little green this morning. Want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to say. We drank some wine, got a little silly. It was no big deal, really."

"Did he open up about what's been bothering him this year?" she asked, turning sideways on her stool to face me.

"Not specifically, I think it might've had something to do with a girl." And her name was Sarah. As I feared, that whisper haunted my dreams all night.

"That's what Susan thinks. I told her he seems fine to me, other than the tension between you two." She watched me over her coffee as she took a sip. "I didn't mention that part to her, though."

"What tension?" I asked, taking another bite of my toast to hide my reaction. My stomach was roiling from the wine and acid.

"You have been stalking around each other like cats, Kate. I can't tell if you're going to smile at him or scratch his eyes out. And blowing up like that at me yesterday. I know it's your time of the month, but seriously, you're more stressed out than I've ever seen you before. I want to know why."

"You did imply that you liked Steph more than BF."

"Yes, I did, and I'm sorry for upsetting you, but you can't tell me you didn't overreact."

I sighed. "I'm sorry I overreacted. John called me on it, too. I was trying to apologize with breakfast."

"I know, but you come by your temper honestly. I was still too hot to talk."

"I figured. I don't know what's wrong with me, Mom." My chin trembled, so I pinched my lips to stop it before she noticed.

"I do," she said, touching my hair. "Everything is changing. Your friends are moving on, and I can't afford to give you the college experience you probably wanted. It's been hard as hell for me to transition from being a mom to a roommate."

"That's all true, but there's more." I was so close to just telling her and damning us both, but then I lost my nerve. "There's only five more months of school. I don't expect you to pay for me continuing my degree at UT, so that means I need to find a real job."

"I'm not kicking you out of the nest. You can stay here as long as you want."

"I want to move in with Jules, though." I looked at her and saw her biting her tongue. "We've been talking about it for years, you know that."

"Yes, I know."

"I'm asking, seriously, why do you hate her so much?"

Mom sighed. "I don't hate her."

"Then what is it?"

"It's dumb. In my day, people didn't date like they do now."

I thought about how Jules dated. "What? You mean because she hooks up with girls sometimes?"

Mom flushed a deep red. "I told you it was dumb, just forget I said anything."

I was utterly confused. "What does that have to do with me?" Mom didn't say anything. "Do you think I'm going to catch the gay from her or something?"

"Kate." Suddenly the question she wanted to ask was all over her face.

"Wait, you think I'm gay?" I glanced at the couch and started giggling, which turned to full on laughter, and every time I saw her perplexed expression, another wave crashed over me. Pretty soon Mom was smiling and then laughing right along with me.

"Stop, Kate," she said, reaching around to hug me. "Stop, I'm sorry!"

"Oh, God, Mom, my sides hurt now." I clung to her as the chuckles tapered off at last.

"Well, you never date for very long. I thought maybe you just kept trying for appearances' sake."

"No, Mom, trust me on this. You don't want the details, but I can assure you, I've dated enough to confirm my preferences." Don't look at the couch, don't look at the couch, I chanted to myself. "Why didn't you just ask me?"

"I don't know. I never had the nerve."

"C'mon, are you kidding me? Is this the same woman who spent an hour drawing me diagrams when I was twelve and wanted to know how sex worked?"

"You have no idea how hard that was for me," she said as she fanned herself. "I was so mad at Dan for not being around then. God, I need a drink and it's not even ten in the morning."

"Not me, I'm done drinking for a while."

"I can't believe the two of you polished off all three bottles."

"I had about three glasses, John drank the rest."

Her expression turned serious. "You don't think he has a drinking problem, do you?"

"No, I don't. I just think he's got a lot on his mind right now. Sometimes it's easier to face things with a little anesthetic."

"Keep being kind to him, Kate. He's such a great guy. Let's hope he and Steph hit it off, so he'll come back to see us more often."

I nodded and tried not to wince at the thought. "I'm doing the best I can."

"Oh, I feel so much better. Thank you for talking with me. Now I can stand to face Christmas Eve at the mall."

"Have a good day at work."

"What are you gonna do all day?"

"Read probably, maybe nap, I didn't sleep well." The dreams woke me half a dozen times and in one nightmare, Sarah was a zombie slowly chasing us until John embraced her to save me. I shivered at the memory of her eating him alive.

As Mom went back to her room to get her purse, I heard her ask herself quietly, "I wonder what John's up to?"

That question followed me as well. I tried to read. I tried to sleep. After a lunch of leftover roast, I gave up trying to do things and let my thoughts drift.

I sat in my usual spot and stared at his end of the couch. He'd been naked and I'd been so brazen that I'd taken him in my mouth and swallowed his seed. He'd touched every part of my body and given me the most powerful sexual experience of my life.

It was frightening to think I had that capacity for pleasure inside me all along without even suspecting it. He'd opened me like a key opening a lock and released a part of me I barely recognized. There were times I'd dreamt of being held down, of being forced to experience pleasure, but he had shown me it went even deeper than my dreams.

There'd been a part of me that had wanted him to bite me, to twist and to pinch while I begged him for more. Just thinking about what happened on the couch was more arousing than all the fantasies I'd ever had. And now that I knew what it was like, the idea of not being with him again made me feel physically ill.

Yet even as I wanted him, I was simultaneously terrified by how he made me feel. The person I thought I was began slipping away, drowned by the person I became when he touched me. He was redefining me with every kiss. With every touch, he stripped away the veneer I had built around my heart, exposing the raw desires I'd never been comfortable facing alone. Being with him made them seem safer somehow, as he first tamed the desires and then tamed me.

Dwelling on the conflict he created inside me was pointless. He was my cousin, the son of my mother's sister. We were blood relatives and forbidden by law and social custom to marry or have children. It didn't matter how we felt for one another; it simply couldn't be. I finally accepted it and fell into a troubled sleep.

The notification sound on my phone interrupted my nightmare. I had a text message from Holly: Going to the mall, I'm bored.

I had to stop thinking about him, it was driving me mad, so I texted back: Pick me up?

She replied: On my way!

By the time she'd arrived, I'd fixed my hair and put a drop of perfume behind my ears. I picked one of my nice new panties and a bra that lifted my breasts to their best advantage, some warm wool pants, and a nice seasonal sweater. I looked smashing, but felt smashed. Maybe it was better to just let him go back to Norfolk and pretend this never happened.

When I heard a honk from outside, I grabbed my coat and purse, and to my surprise, Holly and Steph were both in the car together.

"Isn't John coming?" asked Steph, who kept looking at the front door.

"He's out doing something today. Let's go!"

Holly backed out of the driveway and headed toward the mall. "Doing what?"

"Some job, I guess, but he was very cryptic about the whole thing."

Steph opened her eyes wide. "Maybe he wants to buy a special Christmas gift for someone." It was clear who she thought that someone might be.

Holly sputtered out a laugh. "Easy girl, I wouldn't want you to get overheated."

"Oh stop, you're just jealous he picked me."

"You keep telling yourself that," said Holly, looking at me in the rear view mirror with a wink.

I sighed, letting their ordinary banter ground me to the real world. "It's nice to see you two getting along again."

Steph smiled at me over the seat back. "I couldn't bear to stay angry over Christmas. It just wouldn't be joyful."

"I think she called me because there are too many people visiting at her house," said Holly.

"That's true, but I really am sorry about what I said."

The parking lot was insane and it took forever to find a spot. When we did, we still had to hike it in. The weather was cold but not as cold as it'd been recently, and I'd worked up a sweat by the time we made it to the entrance.

"What's first?" Holly asked.

"Something warm to drink, my treat!" said Steph, putting her coat over her arm and heading toward the center of the mall.

The sounds of the season filled the air. When we entered the central atrium, I looked over to see a familiar face sitting at the grand piano. When John said he'd played recitals, I'd assumed they'd been like mine, where parents were forced to endure ten badly played renditions of Für Elise. He was absolutely amazing.

I waited until we were in line for drinks before I gathered myself and said, "That pianist is amazing."

Holly glanced his direction, then her head snapped back for a real look. She elbowed Steph and said, "Holy shit! Look!"

Steph stood with an open mouth, looking back and forth between him and me. "You knew he was gonna be here, didn't you?" She pushed my arm playfully. "I can't believe he's that good. Oh, I hope he will play something at my party!"

"I'll get us a table so we can listen. Steph, would you get me a coffee? Two creams, one sugar. Oh, and get a bottle of water for John, if you don't mind. I'll take your coats."

I found a table close enough to see him play and left our coats over three of the chairs. He had a thick songbook of some kind propped up, but he rarely looked at it. The arrangements he played were jazzy with flourishes and improvised bits, moving from song to song in a seamless way. Holly went with Steph to get our drinks, so I watched him without feeling self-conscious.

All the arguments I'd carefully laid out for myself were annihilated by merely sitting there in his presence. He went through my heart like a strong wind, blowing every fear and anxiety out as easily as snuffing out a candle. I was overcome by the image of his naked body next to mine and his hands kneading pleasure from me like a potter's hands kneading clay. I was drowning again, but instead of swimming away, I surrendered and drew in deep breaths of him. After hours of agony, I was lost again in seconds, but it didn't matter because he was there and I was his. I was his, and it scared me clear to my bones.

My reverie ended when Holly and Steph sat down on either side of me, talking to each other. Holly took off her lid and blew across the opening to cool her drink as she sat. "Where did he get that tuxedo?"

Steph stirred her drink. "I'm sure the formal wear store supplied them. All of the male pianists have worn one. Isn't that their logo on that little placard on the piano there?" She sat as well with a sigh.

"I think you're right. Rental or not, he looks amazing and plays even better."

"Just look how fast his hands move."

Holly grinned. "I'd love to find out how fast his hands move."

Steph purred, "I'd love to find out how strong his fingers are."

I jumped up as the coffee in my mouth exploded toward the table. "Sorry! Too hot." He hadn't left any bruises on me, but there had been a pleasant soreness when I'd showered. I kept my head down, so they couldn't see my face as I mopped up the spill with a napkin.

When I looked back up, Holly was giving me a penetrating look. "Be careful with hot things, Kate. You might end up getting burned."

"Yes, I agree," I replied, checking my sweater to see if I'd gotten any coffee on me.

"Oh, he's taking a break. John! Hi! Over here!" Steph was so enthusiastic about seeing him, that I had to smile, and we all stood up as he approached.

When he smiled back at me, it suddenly seemed easier to breathe. The sense of drowning I'd been struggling with was suddenly gone, leaving me feeling light headed in its wake. He looked a bit tired, but that was understandable after last night.

"What a surprise!" He gave us each a quick hug, and then sat down opposite from me. We all sat again and leaned in to talk. "I didn't think I could keep this secret very long."

"John, I can't believe how well you play." Steph took his right hand in both of hers and I shivered as she touched him, gritting my teeth in frustration.

"It's just practice, that's all."

"No, I was forced to practice for hours and never got any better."

"Well, I'm glad you liked it."

"Would you mind if I imposed upon you to play something at my party?" Holly mouthed the last three words to me at the same time Steph said them, and Steph gave us a dirty look when we giggled.

"Of course, Steph, my fingers are yours."

"You have no idea how glad I am to hear that." Her sultry tone implied she wasn't just thinking about her piano, and I could've happily killed her with my bare hands.

"I've only got fifteen minutes and I need to get something to drink."

"I've taken care of that." Steph presented the bottle of water to him like it was a vintage wine.

"Thank you, that was considerate of you."

"It was Kate's idea." Holly gave Steph an evil grin, and I pushed away the rage I felt. He had to go. I couldn't live like this.

Steph tittered like she'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "Yes, I believe it was, but I got our drinks."

I sipped my coffee and kept my eyes on him. I couldn't stop looking at his lips. "Yes, Steph should get the real credit."

He took a long drink and drained half the bottle in one go. "Well, I've completely underestimated how hard playing a twelve hour shift was gonna be, even with breaks. My arms are killing me."

"How'd you get called in to do this?" asked Holly.

"When Kate brought me up to meet you Saturday, I spoke briefly with the pianist. I do this kind of thing sometimes, at a hotel in downtown Norfolk. He had to play at a church service tonight and the other two pianists they've been using got sick with bad colds. I left my number and the mall manager called me in a panic yesterday. I swung by to audition and got fitted for this monkey suit in the afternoon, and here I am today."

I shook my head at him in wonder. Even in the midst of all the problems we'd been having, he'd managed to get up here and do all that.

"Yes, but why would you need to work at all?" asked Steph. "Aren't you on vacation?"

He glanced at me and said, "There's something I want to do and need the money to do it, that's all."

"So cryptic," Steph said. "Surely you can tell us more than that."

"I can say it's nothing tangible like a gift." Steph hid her disappointment at his comment, but I could see it. I had to admit being a little disappointed myself, even though I had no right to be.

"Oh, just tell us, you're driving me insane!" said Holly, slapping his arm.