Chapter 5

December 21, 2012

I heard John get up early and go to the bathroom. It was still dark out, but I'd been awake for a while. The restless night of cramps and bad dreams might've been behind me, but a long, cold day at school lay ahead. I sat up to put my feet into fluffy slippers when John paused at my door on his way back to the living room.

"Good morning."

I allowed myself to look him over without guilt. He was rumpled and his hair stuck out all over. Part of me wanted to slide back in bed and invite him in for a snuggle. Instead I just smiled and said, "Good morning."

He leaned against the doorframe and rubbed his hands along his arms. "Look, I don't want things to be weird between us. I probably went too far with the foot rub and freaked you out. It's just..." he sighed, "I like you."

Goosebumps raised along my arms and legs. "Really?" I asked. The sudden panic made me swallow fast to keep from getting sick. I put my hand over my mouth and looked away until the feeling passed. He couldn't like me, too, I thought in horror.

He seemed frustrated at my reaction, but I couldn't make myself speak. "I mean, I really like you, not like a cousin."

If I denied I felt the same way, he would probably leave. I was too much of a coward to let him go, so I looked down and whispered the truth, "Me, too."

"I thought you barely liked me," he said, sounding genuinely perplexed.

"The opposite, I like you too much," I said and took a deep breath to steady my nerves. "I kept telling myself I was seeing what I wanted to see." I put my face in my hands to avoid looking at him. "This is so wrong. You can't like me. Oh God, I'm gonna be sick."

He sighed. "Kate, this isn't working for either of us. That's why I just want to leave."

I looked up in a panic. "You can't. I just want ... I mean ... please. Please, don't go."

He looked in my face with such compassion and empathy that I could tell he felt the same way I did in that moment. "So what are we going to do about this?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Can't we just see what happens?"

Then he came in and sat next to me on the bed. I said, "That's what I'm afraid of."

When he put his arm around me, I rested my cheek against his chest. "No one has ever made me feel this way before."

"What way?"

"I don't know, whatever this is you're making me feel," I replied, not knowing how else to explain it. It didn't help he was so close I could feel his warmth. Before I could stop myself, I rubbed my cheek against his chest and breathed in the spicy scent he always seemed to exude. "I think I understand how cats feel about catnip right now."

He kissed my hair and hugged me tight. "I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, too. Okay then, you set the pace. No rush. We have two weeks to figure something out."

I pulled back and looked in his eyes. "Then you'll stay?"

He laughed sadly. "How could I leave now?"

I almost kissed him then, instead I rested my hands against his chest. "I'm glad you're staying. I need to get ready for school, but maybe we could talk some more this afternoon?"

He smiled. "No more avoiding me?"

"No. I'll come home right after school."

Standing, he drew me up with him. "Can I make you a cup of coffee?"

"That would be sweet of you." And then he left me standing there, tingling all over.

By the time I was out of the shower, Mom was up with John in the kitchen. I was still suffering from cramps, but they weren't as bad as some months. When I joined them, Mom was beaming.

"John's going to stay with us!" she said hugging him so long his face turned red.

"Good." I smiled as though I hadn't already known. He handed me a cup of coffee with sugar and a big dollop of cream already in it. "Thanks."

"I don't go into work until noon, do either of you have any laundry to do? I'm going to put in a load or two."

"I've got a few things. Let me grab the hamper from my room." By the time I got back, John and Mom had sorted piles in the middle of the living room floor. I put my hamper next to Mom and whispered, "I've got some stains I need to spray."

"Just put them in, I'll take care of it." Mom gave me a wink. "Do you need any cash?"

"I'm good for now," I said as I grabbed my book bag and hugged Mom. "Are you closing tonight?"

"Yes, so don't wait up for me. Just leave me some leftovers, so I can eat when I get home."

"Okay." John raised his hand as I passed, so I gave it a slap. "See ya, Cuz!"

"Have a good day."

Our secret tickled me as we smiled at each other. "I will. You, too."

The last day of school dragged on forever, and even the teachers seemed like they were already on vacation. I turned in my assignment when I walked into technical writing, and then spent the whole class doodling while everyone else scrambled to finish theirs. I was hungry at lunchtime and went looking for someone to eat with.

"Kate!" When I heard my name in the distance, I turned to see Holly wave as she walked faster to catch up with me.

"Hungry?"

She shivered and rubbed her arms. "Yes, but somewhere warm please. I'm freezing my tits off."

"I'd say off campus, but it's too cold to walk anywhere. Let's go see what they have around here."

In the cafeteria, I found some tomato soup and a roast beef sandwich and Holly got a burger and fries. We both grabbed a coffee and took our meals over to a table away from the crowd.

Holly sat with a sigh. "I'm so ready for this break. I've been bored out of my skull."

"Me, too," I agreed. "You doing anything special over the holidays?"

"No, just family stuff and of course, Steph's fucking party."

I tried to gauge how serious her tone was. "So I'm assuming you guys didn't make up?"

"She never apologized for being a bitch, so fuck her," she said, as her eyes followed a guy wearing a tight sweater over wide, muscular shoulders.

I smiled at her wandering attention. "C'mon, you've been friends since elementary school."

Holly was silent until muscle-guy was out of sight. "I'm telling you, she has been on my ass like a rash for the last two months. I've had about enough," she said and then took a bite of her burger.

"Are you sure it's all her?" The soup was too hot to eat, so I blew across the spoon before taking a sip.

"Probably not, but it sure as hell seems like it sometimes. She's stuck living like she's still in high school. She still cares about how many people notice her during the day, for fuck's sake. I just can't live like that anymore."

"Everyone grows at their own pace, but she's still our Steph." I put down the spoon and chastened her with a look.

"Well I'm sorry, but I've been thinking about moving on if she can't keep up." She took another bite and chewed slowly, staring back at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked around a bite of my sandwich. The roast beef was warm and the crust on the bread was flaky and crisp.

"She still wants to do the group dating thing. I want to go hang out at the Hickory Hammer, where Jules works, and meet new people. When I try to talk about what's going on in my life, she turns everything around back to herself. And the smaller our old group gets, the clingier she becomes," she said before popping the last bite of hamburger in her mouth.

"She's just scared and having a hard time adjusting."

"Maybe," she said around a mouth full of food, "but I'm ready to try new things and experience life."

I sighed. "Me, too."

Holly looked at me wryly. "Is that a crack I see in your icy, cold exterior?"

When I realized what I'd said out loud, I felt myself blush. "Sorry, not ready to discuss it yet," I said and put a spoon of soup in my mouth to keep from saying more.

"Oh my God, Katie, you're in love!"

I squirmed in my chair and tried not to grin. "Stop it, seriously."

"You have to tell me something! You can't just drop that on me and leave it at that." She picked up a fry and tore it apart, eating the bites with a grin.

"There's nothing to tell. I have no idea what's going on at this point."

"So don't give me any details. Just give me a broad outline, between you and me. I won't tell a soul." She raised her eyebrows twice at me and nodded to encourage me.

I was seriously tempted. I really needed to talk to someone about it, and since Jules was away I didn't really have anyone else. I shot for vague. "Okay, there's this guy, super sweet, and he makes me think naughty thoughts. That's all." Even as I said it, I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks.

"Have you told him?"

I hesitated, but my nervous expression gave her the answer before I even said it. "Yes."

"What did he say?"

"He likes me." I still couldn't believe it, but just remembering it made my eyes water. "But I'm scared to death."

"What are you afraid of? Tell me, what's the worst possible thing that could happen?"

"I don't know. Seriously, that's the problem. I've dated guys, but BF has always helped me avoid the land mines. She's got this way of seeing through their bullshit, except she's not around now and I've got no idea what I'm doing."

Holly squinted at me. "You mean to tell me that Jules has been the one waving you off from relationships all these years?"

"Well yeah, but it's not just her. Mom gives me shit all the time for being too picky." Holly shook her head and laughed sadly. "What?"

"Nothing, it's none of my business. So, this guy likes you and you like him, what's next?"

"We're gonna have to figure that out. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up, though. I can't see it working out long term, for reasons I don't want to get into right now." The soup was cooling, but I forced it down anyway.

"But you'd like things to go long term if the circumstances were different?"

I thought about how nice it was cooking with him in the kitchen. "Absolutely."

"Here's what I see. You clearly need some practice doing relationship stuff and you have access to a nice guy who seems willing to help you do that. My advice? Let go and see what happens."

I took a deep breath. "I don't want to get hurt."

"Good luck with that. You can't avoid it. Life hurts--all of it. The best you can hope for is to learn something for when you try it again."

The words sunk in as I finished the last of my soup. "You're right."

"That's what Steph doesn't understand. She keeps doing the same things that worked before, but they don't work anymore. She's only hurting herself. No matter how much I encourage her, she refuses to try anything new. Those days are gone. Most of our friends moved away to college and all the holiday parties in the world won't bring them back or turn back the clock."

After she ate the last of her fries with a grimace, we picked up our trash and threw it away. "She'll figure it out. It just might take her longer," I replied while putting on my coat and zipping it up all the way to my neck. "Thanks for the talk, Holly, I feel so much better."

She grinned at me. "Anytime! Give me a buzz and let me know how things are going. I'm really happy for you, Kate. It's been a long time coming for you." Just before she walked off, she turned around again. "What time are you taking your cousin to the mall tomorrow? I would really like to meet him."

I couldn't tell if she asked coincidentally, or if she figured out whom I'd been talking about, either way, my stomach did a slow roll. "Three, in the center, near the coffee shop."

"Great. I can't wait to meet him. Plus, I get the added pleasure of tormenting Steph!"

I shook my head as she walked away. "See you then."

The afternoon classes were even slower than the morning ones. I was anxious to get home, even though I had no idea what I was going to do once I got there. When the last bell rang, I ran to the bus and sat fidgeting all the way home.

When I walked through the door, I said, "I'm home." The house was warm and there was a tantalizing aroma of apples and cinnamon. "Did you bake another pie?"

John stood in the kitchen stirring a pot on the stove. "No, I just made some hot apple cider."

"It smells wonderful. I'm gonna shower and change, save some for me!"

The cramping was worse, but I refused to let it bother me. The hot shower helped. I put on a soft flannel pajama top and pants with a bold green and gold pattern. When I came back out, John had left me a cup of hot cider near my spot on the couch. He was reading in his tablet with the blanket over his legs and I joined him with a sigh.

"I bet you're glad to be done."

"It was so slow today. I was bored out of my skull. Oh, this is wonderful," I said after taking a sip of the cider. I held the cup under my nose to take in its scent. "What did you put in it?"

"Cloves, allspice, nutmeg, and a bunch of cinnamon. It's my favorite drink this time of year."

"It just became mine, too."

"Did you want to get out tonight? I was wondering if you might take me around to see the sights. I'd love to take you out for dinner, maybe go see some Christmas lights?"

"Ordinarily I would, but I need to stay close to home tonight, girl issues. How about tomorrow afternoon? Two girlfriends of mine would like to meet you."

He put his tablet down and gave me a funny look. "I'm not sure what to say to that."

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying hard not to laugh at his expression.

"You know what I mean." He grinned at me and chuckled. "I'm not interested in meeting anyone, not now, anyway."

"I just want you to meet my friends. BF is out of town, but Steph and Holly are here. They've heard a lot about you, so it's only natural they'd want to meet you."

"Seriously?" he asked with a wrinkled brow.

"I may have gushed about you to Steph. Actually, I'd planned to introduce you two, in the hopes you would hit it off. So I was selling you a bit." I felt my smile grow thin.

"Why?"

"I figured, if you two hit it off, I would be able to stop thinking about you."

He reached down and rubbed my leg through the blanket. "Please don't stop thinking about me."

"It doesn't look likely at this point."

"Good. I thought about you all day."

"What did you think about?" I pulled the blanket up and settled back into the couch.

He blushed. "I find you very attractive, but if that was all it was, I wouldn't have said anything. You confuse me sometimes, but I like the mystery so far. There's strength in you that I didn't expect at first. You seem to know what you want in life and you work hard at school."

"Of course I'm strong. How did I manage to fight the men off all these years?" He chuckled, but I was curious about his comment. "Why didn't you really think I was strong?"

"I don't know, I just misjudged you, I guess. You seemed tense and irritable, but then when you warmed up it was like I'd known you my whole life. I loved playing Wii with you. Even though we both know you're better than me at Mario Kart, you played along with me pretending otherwise."

"That was fun. That's when I started feeling things, at least until I caught you staring at my chest."

"Yeah, I plead hormones on that one, but you can't deny you have an amazing body."

I blew a raspberry at him. "I have no boobs to speak up, my feet are too big, and my face finally doesn't get bumps every month."